Chapter 21

"When will our past stop fucking with us?" Alex whispered sometime later. Piper still held her and Alex felt safe for the first time in weeks.

Snorting, Piper rolled them so that she could see Alex's face. "I don't know. Our past is so fucked up and we did so much to each other. With our luck probably never."

Alex searched Piper's eyes and studied her face. This woman that she loved more than life itself; all she's ever wanted and needed. And yet…and yet they still found ways to hurt each other. Alex felt guilty for the position she'd put her family in. She knew she'd pushed Piper into a corner and that's why she'd kicked her out. But Alex thought Piper held some blame too. She'd completely cut her off and kept Liam from her. She had essentially abandoned her and that was something they promised to never do again.

Pulling out of Piper's arms, Alex sat up. Piper sat up as well and reached out for her. Alex put her hands up to hold her off. Taking a deep breath, she tucked her legs underneath her and faced Piper. "Listen…I know I was wrong in the Fahri situation and I'll own that. But Piper, what you did was wrong too. You kept Liam from me for a month. He is my son too, you know. You told me that everything I did affected him. Doesn't that apply to you too? Or is this another one way street here?"

Piper hung her head, unable to meet Alex's gaze. In a small voice she said "No, no you're right. I was wrong. It was easier to keep blaming you than admit I was wrong. No matter what's going on with us, he should always be first."

"Yes he should. Always Pipes. About us…" Alex looked away for a moment. She could see panic flair in Piper's eyes and it made her want to run. No more running…

"I love you Piper and I never want to be without you but this…what we do to each other…the doubting and running and assumptions and decisions made in anger. It has to stop. We've never been the best at communicating but it's more important now than ever that we're more open and honest with each other. It's not just us anymore. Pipes, you shut me up in a box before the box was even built. You can't do that, it wasn't fair."

"I know Alex…" Piper said, dropping her head once again.

"Piper…" Taking Piper by the chin, Alex lifted her head until she could see her face. She needed to look her in the eye when she said this. "I am an addict Pipes. As much as it kills me to say that, I am one. I know it's never really affected us before now but it's real and it's there. It's a part of me. Today was too close. It opened my eyes. It's time I started dealing with my problem. I'm going to a meeting in the morning before we go get Liam."

Piper smiled at her and put her hand on Alex's knee. "I think that's a great idea baby. Can I go with you?"

Alex jerked like she'd been slapped. She wasn't expecting Piper to ask that. Her addiction had always been her problem and she'd expect it to continue being so. "You really want to?" she asked in disbelief.

"Yes, I do. It's your addiction and I've always let you deal with it in your own way. But it's our problem Alex. It's a part of us. I need to be able to talk with you when you struggle; support you. I can't do that if I don't understand." Piper said to her.

Alex stared at her for a long time before saying "I think I'd like that, Kid."

/

"My name is Alex….and until recently I didn't think I was an addict. I was cocky. I've got over 9 years clean under my belt. That's not an addict, right? I did NA because the prison system said I had to, then when I got out I continued for a little while because it was strongly advised. But I never really bought into it…" She dropped her head and looked down at her hands. Clearing her throat, she continued. "I was proven wrong yesterday. I didn't use…but I wanted to. It was there and I was willing. I once said heroin was the best girlfriend I've ever had. And there she was again. I was alone, my life had officially fallen apart…I thought I'd lost my family. But the heroin was there, just like she always was before; ready and willing to help me forget. But then…then my phone rang. And it was my lifeline. The person that holds my heart, and yesterday my life, in her hands." Alex's eyes sought out Piper's and held them. "She saved me and she talked me out of that room. I'm not proud of where I was in that moment. I hate what I was about to do. I hate that heroin makes me weak, that it can control me. Yesterday wasn't rock bottom for me but it was close enough to scare me. I made a vow to my wife and to myself that I would face my problem and I wouldn't run from it anymore. So here I am today. My name is Alex and I am an addict."

She stepped from the podium and made her way to the back of the room where Piper stood waiting on her. Piper reached out to her and took her hands when she got close. With tears in her eyes, she looked at Alex for a long time. Pulling her into a hug that was full of comfort and love, Piper whispered into her ear, "Hello Alex, my name is Piper and I am here to help you every step of the way. I am so proud of you."

/

Alex barely had the car in park before she had the door flung open and was crawling out. They were at Polly's and Liam was in there waiting on her. She couldn't wait to see him; hold him; smell his sweet baby smell; look in his big blue eyes that were so much like Piper's and get lost there while she talked to him. She told Piper she wanted to take Liam out for a walk by herself and Piper said she would hang out at Polly's and play with Finn while she waited.

Going up to the door, Alex knocked twice before walking in. The house was silent. She felt her chest tighten at the thought that they might not be there. But the door was unlocked so they had to be there, right? Walking down the foyer and into the den, she saw signs of Liam scattered about the room but no Liam. Backing out of the room, she went to the kitchen. No sign of him there. Going down the hallway, she heard low murmuring the closer she got to Polly's bedroom. Then she heard the unmistakable sound of Liam's giggle. Her heart twisted and she felt tears welling in her eyes. Her Little Man was just through the door. She felt Piper's hand on the small of her back, then her lips against her cheek. "Go on, go get your boy' Piper said softly to her.

Alex pushed the door open and stepped into the room. Liam was sitting up in the middle of the bed while Polly lay beside him and played with him. He was sitting up. When had that happened? Her heart twisting again, she cleared her throat. Polly looked behind her and smiled. "Hey! Liam! Look who's here! Mama is here big guy!" Liam looked over at Polly and smiled. Polly picked him up and turned him to face Alex. Oh, he was so handsome! Alex's breath caught in her throat. She had tears flowing freely down her cheeks now. She took one tentative step forward, then another and another until she was running across the bedroom towards her Little Man.

Noticing the commotion in the room, Liam looked her way. He stared hard as she ran towards him but as soon as she got close, he smiled and started flapping his hands and kicking his feet. He squealed and leaned his head towards her. Alex reached them and took him in her arms and squeezed. Liam giggled and put his forehead on her chin. "Liam…hey Little Man." Alex breathed out. Liam raised his head at the sound of her voice and placed his hand on the side of her face, almost as if he knew this was a treasured moment. Alex placed her lips softly against his forehead. Swaying back and forth with him, she gently nudged his head down to her shoulder. He rubbed his face back and forth on her before settling his head down. She thought she felt him sigh against her and she smiled. She swayed with him for a long time before she realized she was alone in the room with him. Her heart was full and her mind was at peace…she could stay with him in this moment forever.