Disclaimer 1: I do not own Criminal Minds.
Disclaimer 2: I do not own Caltech, although I did go to college there. All characters are fictional, regardless of how much they may resemble actual persons.
Author's Note: The format of this story is unusual. It alternates between 1994-1995 and 2010. I hope the weird format doesn't bother people too much, since I've already got a bunch of chapters written and plan to update regularly. I just need to proofread the chapters before I add them to the story.
Some of the chapters contain quite a bit of nerd speak, but I reserve the right to nerd speak as much as I want in a story about my favorite TV nerds. Nerd speak clarifications may be found at the end of each chapter.
This is my first ever fanfiction. Reading &/ Reviewing are much appreciated. Enjoy!
Chapter 21
June 1995
"Mom?" Spencer spoke into the phone.
"Spencer, did you dust your windowsill with Kryptonite today?" asked Diana.
"Yeah, Mom, I did. Don't worry about it," Spencer replied.
"Good, make sure that you do it every other day. Kryptonite degrades in ultraviolet radiation, so you need to replenish it often," she explained. "How is my baby boy today?" she asked.
"Good, Mom, I'm almost done with finals," Spencer replied. "Geology is my last final. After that, I'm free until I start my research project next Monday."
"Whatever you do, Spencer, don't join one of those military research projects. They're going to use you for their war games, then disappear you when they decide that you know too much."
"My project has nothing to do with the military, Mom," said Spencer. "I'm working on novel carbon nanomaterials. The project isn't practical enough to have military applications. We're trying to synthesize a variety of materials harder than diamond."
"Diamond, from the Greek word adamas, meaning unbreakable," said Diana. "An allotrope of carbon, the hardest naturally occurring material, forged at high temperatures and pressures in the Earth's mantle..." she recited.
"Yep," Spencer agreed. "We're trying to synthesize nanocrystalline diamond aggregates, also known as aggregated diamond nanorods, or ADNRs for short."
"That's quite a mouthful, Spencer. You scientists really love your jargon, don't you?" Diana teased.
"I know, Mom," Spencer replied. "We scientists love our jargon, but jargon has a purpose. It makes communication more precise. My colleagues know exactly what I'm talking about when I mention ADNRs. They know that I'm talking about carbon nanomaterials synthesized from compression and/or heating of C60 fullerite powder. It's less clear if I say 'hyperdiamond', although 'hyperdiamond' sounds cooler to the layman."
"My oh my, someone's starting to sound like quite a scientist," Diana continued teasing. "Referring to his colleagues? Calling his mother a layman? The Institute is doing an exemplary job of brain-washing!"
"Mom!" Spencer complained.
"Alright, baby boy, I'll stop making fun of you for today," Diana soothed her son. "Don't forget to save one of those ADNRs for your mother. You know that diamonds are a girl's best friend, don't you?"
"Sure, Mom, I'll steal one for you from lab. When the Institute finds out, they'll send me to a re-education camp in the Yukon."
"They'll have me to contend with if they dare!" Diana proclaimed.
"Against mothers the Gods themselve contend in vain?" asked Spencer.
"You know your mother!" Diana replied, "And your Asimov too!"
"Of course, Mom, I'm me," Spencer informed his mother.
"Asimov has always been your father's favorite," said Diana. "I tried to convert him to the classics, but it didn't work. He remained loyal to his sci-fi until the bitter end."
"Well, you know, Mom, a lot of science fiction is deeper than you might think. There's some genuine human emotions..."
"Yes, let me save you the time, Spencer," Diana cut him off, "I am never reading Foundation to you."
"Dune?" Spencer asked hopefully.
"Not a chance!" Diana replied, cruelly dashing her son's hopes. "I get a headache every time I read about those Mentats and Ixians and Tleilaxu Face-Dancers. Not to mention Arrakis the Desert Planet and the Fremen and the sandworms. And don't forget 'The Spice'! The whole thing reads like some hippie's acid trip."
Spencer sighed dramatically into the phone. His mother did not share his taste in science fiction. He had gotten that from his father, the one who could remain loyal to his sci-fi, but not to his family. William Reid had taken his Asimov first editions with him when he had abandoned his family, nearly four years ago.
"Do you miss your father, Spencer?" Diana suddenly asked.
No answer.
"I miss him," Diana admitted. "He was weak, and he didn't deserve us, but I'd be lying if I said that we were better off without him."
No response.
"You can tell your mother, Spencer," Diana comforted her son. "You can tell me if you miss your father."
Not a word.
At that moment, a loud ringing sound invaded Diana's serene study.
"Why do they ring that thing every time we talk on the phone?" she asked her son.
"Sorry, Mom! Gotta go!" Spencer excused himself. "The sophomores are ringing the brake drum, and this is our last chance to get it back before we become sophomores too!"
"Alright, Spencer, be careful and remember what I told you about the Kryptonite," Diana reminded him.
"Yeah, I will, Mom. Gotta go! Bye!"
Spencer hung up and poked his head out of the open window. Leave it to the sophomores to ring the brake drum during Finals Week, when half the freshman would be working on their exams. Still, they had saved him from his mother's interrogations.
Spencer climbed out his window onto the roof overhanging the first floor. He climbed up the ladder onto the second floor roof, where the sophomores were gesticulating like Great Apes, taunting him with the clanging of metal against metal as they rang the brake drum ever louder.
Spencer teeter-tottered after them on the roof. He was alone in his quest, but he didn't mind a bit. He was in the mood for a fight.
Colorado Boulevard was abuzz with activity on a Friday evening in June. There were droves of teenagers roaming the streets, wallowing in their summer freedom. There were couples, young and old, enjoying a stroll in the cool night air. Over on Green Street, one block to the south, the nerds were out and about as well, bored out of their minds after the conclusion of Finals Week.
In their ennui, the nerds had turned to breaking and entering.
"Rube?" asked Princess Grendelin. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"
Sir Rubik wiggled his way through the window of a large building in the Pasadena Civic Complex. He vanished through the window, then poked his head out of it to gaze down at the Princess.
"Of course!" he replied. "Why would they leave the window open if they didn't want us to come in?"
"Um, I don't think they left the window open so we could break in and play broomball in the dark," the Princess suggested.
"Poop!" Sir Rubik replied.
This exceedingly mature declaration jolted the Princess out of her half-hearted misgivings. Twisted logic or not, broomball in the dark was too appealing to pass up. She handed the brooms and balls to Sir Rubik, who grabbed them out of her hands and offered his own hands to pull her through the window.
The Pasadena Skating Rink was closed for renovation, which meant that now was the perfect time for the Princess and the Knight to make it their very own. Unfortunately, a set of double doors separated the Zamboni garage from the ice surface. The doors were secured with chains on the far side.
"The time has come, Apprentice," said the Master. "Your time of glory has come..." she handed him a set of miniature tools.
"As you wish, Master. Thank you, Master," the Apprentice replied, reverently accepting the tools in a manner befitting the occasion.
As the Master watched, the Apprentice loosened the screws over the hinges at the top and bottom of the left side door panel. The panel shifted against the frame and opened a crack, not wide enough for anyone to fit through. "No matter," shrugged the Apprentice, proceeding to unscrew the hinges from the right side door panel. When the panels were no longer attached to anything, the Master and the Apprentice activated their collective brawn to shift the door against its frame, opening up a crack wide enough for the Master to squeeze through. On the far side, the Master picked the lock, unraveled the chains, and pried apart the panels. The Apprentice screwed the panels back into the frame before passing through the open doorway to join the Master. The Master replaced the chains and secured the lock. With a sharp snap of her fingers, the Master promoted the Apprentice to Journeyman.
"Wow!" exclaimed the Journeyman. "I've always wanted to have the rink all to myself!"
"Yeah, me too!" the Master agreed. "I hate it when those snotty little hockey children are darting around all over the place. It makes me want to skate over their snotty little fingers."
"I thought you didn't believe in violence," the Journeyman rebuked the Master.
"Oh come on, Rube, nothing in life is absolute!" the Princess excused herself, shedding the formalities of the Master. "Sometimes, you have to make exceptions!"
"Poop!" he snorted.
"Dear Sir! It would behoove you to watch your language in front of the Princess!" the Princess complained. "What is this new fascination with poop?"
"Oh, it's nothing," explained the Knight. "One of my friends, Rebecca, is working on a research project involving coprolites. She's analyzing them to figure out if T. rexes ate each other."
"Whoa, stop right there!" said the Princess. "You're telling me that the great Tyrannosaurus rex - king of the dinosaurs, lord of the reptiles, inhabitor of my most terrifying nightmares - was a cannibal?"
"Not just a cannibal!" Sir Rubik answered, "Maybe even a cannibal scavenger!"
The Princess shrank back in amazement. "And they can figure this out from poop?" she asked.
"Yeah, Rebecca tells me that they can detect dinosaur proteins, specifically T. rex proteins, from samples of fossilized dung from 65 million years ago," Sir Rubik explained. "If they find certain tyrannosaur proteins at certain concentrations in tyrannosaur coprolites, it would prove that tyrannosaurs ate each other."
"Keep me posted on that," said the Princess. "That Rebecca sure is smart, unlike some people. Why couldn't you have picked a cool research project like hers?"
"My project is cool!" Sir Rubik defended his project.
"Only if you steal me one of those ADNRs when you finish making them," said the Princess. "You know that diamonds are a girl's best friend, don't you?"
"Funny, that's exactly what my mother said to me this week on the phone," Sir Rubik mused.
"Did you just compare me to your mother?" screeched the Princess. "Do I look like someone's mother?" she continued screeching.
"No, no, no, I didn't mean it like that!" Sir Rubik scurried back.
Scurrying back, while a tried-and-true method for escaping the wrath of royalty, was incompatible with the slippery ice surface underfoot.
"Thud!" went a rear end upon the ice.
"Poop!" went a distress call into the darkness.
"Swoosh!" went a duct tape ball into a hockey net.
"Scrape!" went a duct tape broom against the ice.
"Woohoo!" went another duct tape ball into the net.
"Boing!" went a duct tape ball off the metal frame of the net.
"Whack!" went a broom against a ball.
"Goooooooal!" went a ball into the net.
"Ahem!" went a throat clearing from the bleachers.
Silence.
The Princess and the Knight stared at each other through their glasses, their brooms and balls dropping to the ice. The Princess grabbed the Knight by the arm and pulled him lower to the ice surface. Together, they scurried away from the unfamiliar throat clearing, towards the wall between the bleachers and the ice, onto the side of the rink opposite the throat clearing. Over the wall and past the benches they fled, out the door of the rink, down the deserted hallway, out the door of the building, across a wide walkway, through the open doorway of another building.
Footsteps failed to materialize behind them. No additional throat clearing was heard.
On this cloudy night in June, on Green Street, no one would not be arrested for breaking and entering, which meant that everyone was free to commit the crime of trespassing.
"Where are we?" asked Sir Rubik, looking around the flower-carpeted lobby of his refuge.
"The Pasadena Civic Auditorium," Princess Grendelin replied.
She wandered through the double doors into the main auditorium. The seats near the front carried white placards bearing the names of Hollywood celebrities. The auditorium was pompously decorated for the People's Choice Awards this coming Sunday, and the VIPs had been assigned seats just below the stage.
The Princess rearranged the seating assignments according to her whim.
She placed Alex Trebek, the host of "Jeopardy!", amidst the cast of "Friends", with Jennifer Aniston on one side and Courtney Cox on the other. She hoped that Jennifer and Courtney would kiss Alex during the awards ceremony.
She placed Tom Hanks, the star of "Forrest Gump", amidst the cast of "ER", with George Clooney on one side and Noah Wyle on the other. She hoped that George and Noah would kiss Tom during the awards ceremony.
She placed Roseanne and Whoopi Goldberg next to each other, with no one near them, not in front or behind or on either side. She hoped that Roseanne and Whoopi would break out into a vicious hissing cat-fight during the awards ceremony.
Sir Rubik stood aside and watched the Princess rearrange the seating assignments. He didn't recognize any of the names, so he didn't understand the logic behind the way the Princess had "improved" the seating assignments.
"All set!" the Princess announced.
She hopped up onto the stage and addressed the empty auditorium.
"I...I..." she cried, trails of imaginary mascara coursing down her imaginarily berouged cheeks. "I can't express how honored I feel to receive this award," she continued fake-crying. "I would like to thank...to thank the voters...and...and...my family," she maintained the facade. "First of all, my noblest Knight Sir Rubik...Then, my devotest Apprentice Rube...And finally, my belovedest bestest Friend Little Rubert!"
"Little Rubert?" asked Little Rubert, "I'm sure there are no people named Rubert."
"Indeed not, Little Rubert is an unique gem in this transient universe of ours," replied the Princess, still teary-eyed and mascara-cheeked. "Little Rubert's life has not been easy, what with his autistic savantism and scatological obsessions, but he has always been my loyalest supporter."
"Which award are you winning?" asked Little Rubert.
"The Lifetime Achievement Award, of course," said Princess Grendelin. "Now, shush, Little Rubert, I'm not done with my speech yet."
"There's a two-and-a-half minute time limit," Little Rubert reminded the Princess.
"This is my domain, Little Rubert, and I shall decide what the time limit is!" the Princess retorted.
"You shall decide?" asked an unfamiliar voice from the back of the auditorium.
Princess Grendelin and Sir Rubik snapped their heads back, staring at the figure in the back of the room. On the plus side, the figure was not wearing a Freddy or Jason outfit. On the minus side, the figure was wearing an official uniform, the uniform of the security guards that patrolled the Pasadena Civic Complex. The unfamiliar voice and unfamiliar throat clearing probably belonged to the same individual.
The Princess grabbed the Knight by the arm and pulled him behind the heavy curtains separating the stage from the backstage area. Together, they scurried through the bowels of the auditorium, through hallways and dressing rooms and sub-stages, in circles and circles and circles, all without discovering a single exit out of the building.
The security guard followed them like a zombie in a horror movie, sweeping his flashlight over the floor as they hid behind a row of seats in a screening room. They avoided him, only to run into a second security guard sweeping a second flashlight down a cement-lined corridor. They didn't understand why he was wielding a flashlight in the brightly lit hallway, but it definitely made him more terrifying.
When the Princess and the Knight finally stumbled onto an exit, they were met by a third security guard, nameless and faceless, who turned the doorknob from the far side. The Princess and the Knight could only scurry down another set of corridors in search of an alternative exit. The first security guard waited for them in the lobby, brandishing his terrifying flashlight and a pair of handcuffs. The second security guard waited for them on the stage, brandishing his terrifying flashlight and another pair of handcuffs. The third security guard sauntered triumphantly up and down the stairs of the auditorium, terrifying even in an absence of abrandishments.
Sir Rubik conceded defeat. There was no way they would be able to escape all three security guards.
Princess Grendelin conceded nothing. She screamed her highest-pitched blood-curdlingest scream, as the four males, Sir Rubik and the security guards, all covered their ears with both of their hands. The scream was the practiced craft of years. Its original purpose had been to manipulate her parents. Whenever they heard the scream, they would automatically believe that one of her brothers had wronged her, rather than the other way around.
While the security guards dropped their heads between their knees, Princess Grendelin and Sir Rubik fled the scene, the Princess still screaming and the Knight still covering both of his ears. They lunged up the stairs of the auditorium, into the lobby, and out through the original entrance portal. Sir Rubik unlocked his bike from a bike stand, and Princess Grendelin climbed onto the handlebars. In the two days since Sir Rubik's geology final, they had become accustomed to traveling in this manner through the streets of Pasadena.
"Onwards, Mighty Steed!" Princess Grendelin directed.
Her mighty steed kicked down upon the pedals, harder and harder, until they reached the bicycling equivalent of warp speed.
"Right turn, Mighty Steed!" ordered the Princess.
Her mighty steed made a sharp right turn onto Lake Avenue, nearly running over a tiny barking terrier tied to a parking meter. Princess Grendelin hissed, cat-like, at the annoying little canine as her mighty steed sped down the hill towards her true domain. She vowed to cease and desist with both trepassing and breaking and entering for several days, at least until Sir Rubik's eardrums recovered from her Scream Attack.
Later the next morning, when the sun rose into the sky at an odd angle and all the Scurves slumbered peacefully, Sir Rubik and Princess Grendelin watched "Jurassic Park" in the Foosball Room. Sir Rubik assumed the role of Head Velociraptor, but even he was afraid of the poison-spewing dilophosaurs led by Princess Grendelin. The velociraptors and dilophosaurs engaged in a heated battle in the rainforests of Costa Rica, until a tyrannosaur burst into the room and sent them scurrying down the ladder into Snake Alley.
"I knew it!" Pierre yelled after them. "I knew you had a secret girlfriend! You can't hide the truth from me, Spender!"
"Shut up!" Spencer yelled back.
"Poop!" the girl yelled.
Spencer grabbed the girl by the arm, and they fled into the featureless hallways of Fleming House. He thanked his lucky stars - the yellow one above the horizon, the white ones above and below the horizon.
The girl was real.
Nerd speak clarifications
1) ADNRs/C60 fullerenes
C60 fullerenes are cool molecules made of 60 carbon atoms arranged in hexagons and pentagons like the surface of a soccer ball. The structure is an icosahedron. They're also known as "Buckyballs" after Buckminster Fuller, an inventor who popularized the geodesic dome, which has the same structure.
2) Dune
Sci-fi series by Frank Herbert. While Foundation is the flagship series of "hard" sci-fi, Dune is the flagship series of "soft" sci-fi, where the ideas involve more social sciences than physical sciences, but are equally fascinating.
3) Coprolites
Fossilized dung. I don't think it's possible to detect proteins in coprolites from the time of dinosaurs, but human coprolites have been analyzed to find out whether humans ate each other.
4) Brake drum
An actual brake drum from a car that the freshman and sophomores of Ricketts House fight over for no reason at all. The activity is 100% pointless but possibly stress-relieving.
5) Broomball
A game similar to hockey played with a duct tape ball and duct tape brooms on the ice without skates. Devoid of rules.
6) Against mothers the Gods themselves contend in vain?
Quote from "The Gods Themselves" by...you guessed it...Isaac Asimov. Original quote was "Against stupidity the Gods themselves contend in vain", but I think it can apply to mothers as well, as long as mothers and stupidity are not associated with each other. In the novel, an arrogant scientist refuses to acknowledge that his invention may cause the destruction of the universe.