Disclaimer: I am not Cassandra Clare.
A/N: Hey guys! Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I have returned, to share more of my insanity with you!
Okay, so sorry it has taken so long to post another chapter. There was the moving and then the mental health and now I'm moving again because the people I'm living with got evicted and urgh! Anyway... point is I'm back! Huzzah!
Thank you to:
Claceismyotp, Dreameuro, Nobody To Everybody, Mysterygirl77, JamieWayland, ahealybradygmail, annieherondalelightwood, CPM2003, Dauntless-Princess3392, talkingtothemoon38, Foundalaska, mocerebral, elizabeth-cassandra-sarrows, Chae-lo, , The Crystal Rose, kristywidge, Kitty9876543210, ReineLVIII, authorshateus, IAmMisaki, I am well at grammar, Bookwork2000, sharingstories2, Lana. Lily99, eve redfern, m1090, Letitgo92, melodyann75, SamicaWrites and A bleeding heart's tale for following,
Claceismyotp, ahealybradygmail, annieherondalelightwood, Dauntless-Princess3392, talkingtothemoon38, elizabeth-cassandra-sarrows, The Crystal Rose, Kitty9876543210, I am well at grammar, LittleDancer29961, sharingstories2, AngelAndDreamer, eve redfern, m1090 and sparkleunicorns16 for favouriting
And MrsChisHemsworth, reppinda5o3, Too Wicked for this World, Wraith of Starlight (He meant basically does Clary want to be their friend, or does she want to be by herself?), Ravenclaw-Shadowhunter-Fae, sexistpiglet, chompchomp123, JelloDVDs (Guest), GreyJem24, Guest, JamieWayland, annieherondalelightwood, Sabiduria, FangirlOfLiterallyEverything, The Crystal Rose, Slayer, ASliverofSilverandGold (As Jade), Angeliel, WeArentLost-Yet and ReineLVIII for reviewing! I am so amazed by the response from last chapter!
Last chapter had a bit of a mixed reaction, but that was actually really exciting for me! I loved the response from that and I would love your feedback on this one, obviously. I'm beginning to sound like a broken record, eh?
Anyway, just one more thing: I'm going to put a VERY IMPORTANT A/N at the bottom of this to explain an idea I had and I would love everyone's ideas on that. So if you could read the explanation after this chapter and drop me a line, tell me what you think of that idea, that would be great!
Anyway, enjoy, have fun, say hi, REVIEWW!
Clary's POV
Later that night, sitting at my desk staring at my computer screen, I try to figure out what is going on, why everyone is angry at me.
I know that they want me to talk to them. I know that, for them, talking is easy. I know that, for them, it's so simple to connect. I know that, for them, their problems are easily figured out. It makes sense, then, that they believe they can fix my problems by me talking to them.
The thing is, there is a part of me that does want to talk to them. There is a part of me that just wants to pretend I'm fine and sit under our tree again. But I can't handle their looks, their questions. And I know they will ask me questions, I know that they will want answers. And I can't give them anything, I just can't. There are too many risks, too many variables- after all, it can always get worse.
My friends are so much stronger than me, but then they haven't had to deal with what I am dealing with. I know that I shouldn't compare our lives or troubles, but how can I not? How can I not wish that I grew up like them, with a family that loved and accepted me? Even if that family is broken, even if it's a small family, all of them feel loved, all of them feel accepted. How can I not wish for that?
Slowly, my mind formulates a plan. Maybe I can't tell my friends everything. But maybe I can tell them something. I could tell them something small so that most of their questions are answered and we can go back to how it was. Maybe if they don't know everything- just enough- I can be near them again.
Suddenly feeling lighter than I have in weeks, I open up my email browser, not wanting to wait till tomorrow. But just as I start to write in addresses, doubt settles in my stomach.
What if they won't forgive me? Even Magnus is mad at me- what if a small explanation isn't enough? What if I need to do more for them? What if an email won't cut it? What if-
Oh shut up, Clary! I think to myself. You want them back in your life. This is necessary.
But no matter how much I scold myself I can't seem to find the words. Apologising, explaining to all of them at the same time is just-
But maybe I don't need to do it all at once. Maybe… I can practise… maybe…
I type in one email address and begin my missive.
Jace's POV
I lie on my bed with my feet where my head should be, bouncing a ball off the wall. The rhythmic thump has put me into some sort of angsty teenager trance. There are things I should be doing right now, but I honestly don't care about how many people died in the Irish Potato Famine or how the movie Braveheart is historically inaccurate, nor do I care that we no longer have any clean cups in the cupboard and I can't make it from my bedroom door to my bed without tripping over something.
Some sort of screamy-guitar-y type music is blaring into my ears so loud that I can probably be certain of hearing loss. But I honestly do not care.
You can go ahead and say that I'm sooking, or feeling sorry for myself. And you'd be right. Because the thing is, today I realised something- this is probably the first time I've had to chase a girl. And I do not like it. I'm a spoilt little brat, I know, but this whole Clary thing is no longer fun for me.
It stopped being fun the moment I starting actually caring about her.
Which is bloody ridiculous, given that the whole caring thing is making me miserable. You'd think it'd do the exact opposite.
After a while, I hear a ping from my phone signalling an email. I unlock my phone and open my email, expecting to see spam. Instead, I see something I definitely did not expect.
An email from Clary.
I take about twenty seconds to think about it before opening it up.
From: Clarissa Morgenstern
Subject: I'm sorry
Date: 3 August, 2016 9:17pm
To: Jace Lightwood
Dear Jace,
I know this is probably unexpected. Especially today.
I thought a lot about what you said and how I've been acting the last few weeks. And you were right. I didn't really think about it and maybe it was subconsciously done but even so, it hurt you. I was only trying to help you out but all I did was hurt you and for that, I am sorry.
The thing is Jace: my life is pretty… complicated. But that shouldn't be your problem. I didn't mean to shut you out. Well, I did but I was just trying to do the right thing for you.
If someone tells you often enough that you're worthless and no good and a whore and everything insulting you can think of, you start to believe it.
Jace, this is really hard for me to say. But, see, my father isn't exactly, well, nice. He's controlling and manipulative and emotionally abusive. And after Magnus' party, he kind of blew up at me a bit. The original plan was that he was under the impression that I was going to Magnus' for a school assignment. What I didn't know was that he drove by that night while I was there, saw all the lights and the heard the music and he was none too pleased, let me just say that.
So when I came home, he blew up at me, called me all these names and I didn't really know how to handle it. I cut all my hair off because he kept saying the way I looked was just whoring myself around to the nearest man and I just had to do something. I regret that now.
When I came back to school, and I drew away from you and everybody, it was just because I could hear my father screaming in my head, about how horrible and dirty I am, and I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't handle how he could take something that was so wonderful, so beautiful as that night with you, and turn it into something so ugly.
But that's no excuse: I shouldn't have let it get to me.
I'm sorry Jace.
I understand if this isn't reason enough to forgive me. I understand if I've hurt you too much for you to let me back in your life again. But I would really love to talk to you. And I'll try to be more open with you, try to let my guard down.
I'm sorry Jace.
I really miss you.
Love,
Clary.
I stare at my phone screen, and then reread the email about a dozen times. Finally I press reply
From: Jace Lightwood
Subject: Re: I'm sorry
Time: 3 August, 2016 9:36pm
To: Clarissa Morgenstern
I'll meet you out the front of Taki's tomorrow morning.
We'll talk. We'll see.
Jace.
I get Alec to drop me off at the corner of Taki's and lean against the brick wall of the café, staring down the street, waiting for Clary. If I'm honest, I already know that I will forgive her- I'm that pussy-whipped- but that doesn't mean I don't want her to squirm a little.
What? Don't act so surprised; you already know I am an arsehole.
Finally, I spot her walking towards me. Her bag is thrown over one shoulder, her head still covered with a beanie. But instead of her usual, rugged-up look, she is just wearing a plain red and black t-shirt and three-quarter length jeans that hug her delicate curves and make me want to run to meet her. But that would completely end the making-her-squirm plan so I just continue to wait for her to come to me.
Her eyes connect with mine when she's about five steps away and we don't look away from each other until finally she stops right in front of me. No words are said, but there really isn't a need to say anything, until finally, Clary breaks the spell.
"Jace, I'm so sorry. I never meant-" And then I'm kissing her.
I don't even know how it happens, but one moment I'm watching her, with those big green eyes, showing how scared and apologetic she is, and I know she means it and the next moment, my arms are around her, clasped at the small of her back, and I've bent down to meet her lips with mine.
Whatever she was about to say gets lost as we kiss and I'm not sure if the kiss is hard or tender or somewhere in between. All I know is that I want her closer and as her hands find their way onto my chest and her fingers latch onto my shirt, I have never felt so free. Nor so protective.
This girl- this tiny, fragile, beautiful girl- keeps on surprising me. Just yesterday, I was telling myself I needed to get over her, but now look at me, as far from 'getting over her' as I could probably get in a public place.
Finally, we break apart, our foreheads pressed together, our arms still around each other. I don't open my eyes, savouring the moment and the kind of warm completeness that comes with kissing Clary. And then she sighs and I grin and open my eyes to see her smiling softly. Her eyes snap open when she senses me watching her and she sheepishly grins before hiding her face in my neck, her arms moving to wrap around my chest. I chuckle, pulling her closer, if that's even possible.
"Shut up." Clary grumbles into my chest and I laugh again, feeling all the awkwardness and all the hopelessness of the last few days just dissipate.
"I missed you, sweetheart." I tell her quietly.
"I was so worried you wouldn't want to talk to me." She whispers, so quiet I can barely hear her. "I thought you wouldn't ever want to speak to me again. Which I would have understood, I mean I'm not-"
"Hey, shush!" I tell her, pulling her away from me to look her in the eye. She looks vulnerable, biting her lower lip. "Clary, I understand why you did what you did. I just wanted you to talk to me, and you did. That took guts. And I feel close to you now. In fact," I say, allowing some cockiness to enter my tone. "It's now my life's mission to fill you with so much self-confidence, your ego will rival my own."
"That could take a while." Clary replies, a smile in her voice.
"Problem?" Clary grins at me and shakes her head, her eyes shining with relief.
"Come on then, Romeo." She commands, drawing away from me. "We'll be late for school."
Clary's POV
I think I'm shaking as I walk towards the group's spot underneath the tree at lunchtime. Jace already has spent the past ten minutes on trying to calm down my racing heart. I had already decided that I was going to do this. There are just so many maybe's happening in my head that it's hard to quiet them all in order to form a coherent sentence.
Finally, I make it to the table under the tree. Jace sits down easily next to his brother and steals Will's apple, taking a bite out of it and smirking when Will squawks indignantly. On the other side of the table, Caterina and Maia smile at me, looking nervous themselves like they know something is up. Everyone else doesn't notice, too drawn into their conversation.
"Hey guys." I murmur before I can lose my nerve. My friends turn to me, and all of them either have blank looks on their faces or they look extremely hopeful.
I freeze.
What the hell are you doing Clary? For God's sake, what are you doing?! My inner bitch screams at me.
I open my mouth and try to push words out, but all that escapes me is air.
What is wrong with you? Do you honestly think they're just going to forget your complete silence for the past weeks? Are you kidding me?!
I shake my head and wrap my arms around my middle, trying to get my head to stop racing.
There is nothing you can say to make this better right now!
"I- I-" Finally some sound comes out but I can't figure out what to say.
Just shut up and walk away. What good can you do now?
I can't figure out what to say past the screaming in my head. I know that they're looking at me, waiting for me to talk to them.
Just walk away. You father is right about you, they'll never forgive you.
Honestly about to give up, I scan the faces of my friends, wanting to memorise them, lock them in my mind. And then my eyes connect with Jace's, and the screaming in my head comes to a complete stop.
In that moment, it's just me and him, looking at each other over the space between us. His eyes show sympathy, but not pity, which surprises me. The smile he sends me is encouraging, hopeful. But I know he won't push me, I know he won't plead with me. Because I know he understands now, at least more than before. I know that he accepts what I have told him and that he knows that I can't tell him more until I am ready.
And for some reason, knowing all of that, feeling his support and encouragement even from a few feet away from him, seeing the acceptance and understanding in his features, I know I can do this. I know I can say the words, and accept my friends' decisions.
Because even if they won't forgive me, even if they want nothing to do with me, at least I still have Jace.
"I'm sorry." I finally say, feeling proud of myself when I get the words out. "I didn't mean to hurt you guys or confuse you." Already, I can see the looks on their faces soften, but I need to explain a bit more. "I can't really tell you much but my home life isn't great. I was trying to make sure I didn't burden you guys more than necessary. I know that didn't really work and I'm sorry." I look them all in the eye, suddenly feeling brave. I don't try to protect myself by wrapping my arms around myself like I normally would- I stand straight and… well not tall but… resolute.
No one says a word- they just slowly turn away and go back to the conversation. I frown, unsure what's happening, but then I see Ragnor and Simon have moved a little so that there is a gap between them and Ragnor pats the space between them, grinning at me, and I quickly sit in the space they offer.
Simon gives me an awkward one armed hug while he goes back to eating his sandwich and reading his graphic novel. Ragnor smiles at me. And Catarina reaches across the table and hands me a container of sliced strawberries. I send her an amused, confused look and she just shrugs and smiles.
"So, let me regale you with the tales you've missed." Ragnor says, bending down so he can talk quietly in my ear. "Those two," He points towards Magnus and Alec. "Are irritatingly adorable. Those two," He points to Maia and Jordon, sitting on opposite ends of the table. "Are being very weird. Those three," He points to Tessa, Will and Jem, huddled together having an animated conversation. "Are dancing around each other like it's about to go out of fashion. And those two," Lastly, he points to Isabelle and Simon. "Had sex." My, Simon's and Isabelle's eyes widen in shock and, in their cases, fear as Ragnor grins evilly.
"What?!" Alec yells, standing up and glaring at Simon.
"For fuck's sake, Isabelle!" Jace shouts, rising and narrowing his eyes at his sister.
Ragnor and Will dissolve into laughter, while everyone else not involved in the family crisis suppress nervous smiles.
Oh, it's good to be back.
A/N: So, thoughts? Let me know! :)
A/N (Idea): Okay so, I've noticed that in the reviews I'm getting, people are starting to guess how this story will end. I've had a thought: multiple endings!
A/N (Explanation): So how it would work is that you guys submit ideas for endings, I write that ending, an epilogue for the ending, and a continuation of the story as if that ending didn't happen- three chapters at the same time. This is because it seems a bit daft to end the story in multiple ways but at the same time- that wouldn't work plot-wise and probably would be too rushed. Then, when everyone is satisfied that there are enough ways the story has ended, everyone votes or reviews their favourite ending.
A/N (Why?): Because, dear mushrooms, I am a writer. Writing is what I do. Thing is, it would be really nice to say I am a 'published author'. Once the voting has happened, the best ending will be made apparent, and I can publish this story with the best ending.
A/N (What's in it for you guys?): I know it is annoying when a writer takes down their fanfic because they've published it. So I thought about a solution: The person/ persons who submit the most beloved ending to this story can request a free copy of the published edition, which I will also sign if you like, that I can send to them personally. Everyone else who wishes a copy can contact me and I can send you a personalised copy of the published book, signed as well if you like.
You guys are my favourite people. The encouragement and love you've sent me is amazing and I'm so appreciative. This is why I thought you guys should have a say in how this story ends. Of course I have my own idea, but I thought this multiple ending idea would be fun. Let me know what you think of the multiple ending idea.
Either way, starfish, I am going to turn this into a published work. When that happens, I will of course give you warning and will send a copy to anyone who wants one. But let me know whether you guys want a say in how it ends or if you guys are willing to blindly hand this story's fate over to me.
As always, please let me know what you thought of this chapter, my multiple endings idea, and if you like that idea, an ending suggestion.
As always, have fun, say hi, REVIEWW!
Love, Stormy xoxox