The disclaimer has been kidnapped by ni-wait, I already did that. The disclaimer must stop Dr. Robotnik from collecting all the Chaos Emeralds, so it won't be back for a while. Here's another one you should probably avoid if you're a fanatical Christian... but if you're not one who agrees with Jerry Falwell and all those lunatics, you might enjoy this one. Oh, and excuse the grammar.

Todd sat on the counter in the bathroom, looking at the cracked mirror. He smiled at it. He grinned at it. He gave the mirror "the wink and the gun." He raised his eyebrows. He brushed his hair back. He gave a sexy smirk.

"Toad's got it ALL, yo," he said to the other Todd. Decided that the "sexy smirk" was the best one, he hopped out of the bathroom and into the living room. Lance, Fred and Wanda were sitting there, watching a CNN News Update.

"That's lame," Fred said. "CNN calls this the Mutant Watch, MSNBC calls this the Mutant Scandal, and Fox News don't even spell 'mutant' right with their Mutent Insult. Guess Republicans don't know anything."

"...there's Reverend Foster, it seems he's ready to make his speech," the anchor continued. Todd hopped onto the chair Wanda was sitting on, one foot on each armrest, and gave her his "sexy smirk." Quickly, she pushed him out of the way.

"Turn it up, Lance," she said.

"These mutants," Foster announced, "Are an abomination! This is not what God had in mind when he put us on this Earth. They are here to terrorize those who believe in the Good Lord, and to rid the world of good, honest Christian values."

"Sir," a reporter said, "What proof do you have?"

"I have with me images from the now-infamous Brotherhood of Bayville house. In several of the rooms we have found anti-Christian messages. One bedroom belonging to a Fred Dukes was covered in food leftovers, which concludes that he is guilty of the sins of sloth and gluttony. In the bedroom belonging to Lance Algers, we found notes reading that he loathed and hated the X-Men... these notes were also found in other rooms, but in greatest concentration in the room of Lance Alvarez, who has also been known, according to the diary of the aforementioned Fred Dukes, to become angry at his housemates for little to no reason. Lens Alvers is guilty of the sin of wrath. The room of one Pai-tro Masimov has contained numerous images of himself, as well as mirrors. He is without doubt guilty of the sin of pride. The diary of Fred Dukes also reveals that another housemate, a Tabitha Smith, often used the others for her own purposes. She is guilty of the sin of greed."

"More like the sin of slut," Lance muttered.

"The diary of Todd Tolownski-"

"It's a journal, yo!" Todd yelled, ignoring the mispronounciation of his last name.

"-has revealed that he has great desire for his housemate Wanda Masimov. This includes numerous detailed notes about his plans to seduce her, including short stories he has written about the matter and explicit sketches." Wanda looked at Todd, who gave his best "nervous grin" and hopped upstairs. "Todd Tolownski is guilty of the sin of lust. As for envy, they are all guilty, as they envied the mutants living at the Xavier Institute. For this, the Brotherhood of Bayville Mutants must be punished and sent back to hell!"

"Reverend, are you insane?" a reporter asked. A serious question.

"No! But you will all go to hell if these mutants are not found and destroyed! Destroyed and CONDEMNED!" At 'condemned,' Foster raised his arms high in the air and shook his hands and face furiously, almost violently. The witch hunt had begun.

X-Men: Evolution
"HEATHENS!"
King of the Worthless

After the report, the Brotherhood all agreed to stay inside. However, someone needed to go out and get some food. They all agreed that Fred should do it, as his diary ("say what you want, I like my diary," Fred retorted) was the key piece of evidence Foster had used against them. Fred trotted to the supermarket and walked inside.

"Look, mommy! A mutant!" a little girl said.

"No honey, he's not a mutant, just a fatass." Fred decided not to attack them, only because he wanted to get back home to watch the Seinfeld reruns Fox was playing. He looked at the list Todd had given him. He grabbed a shopping cart and gathered a few random fruits and vegetables. He didn't really care much for those. He got to the freezer and gathered some waffles. He got some ice cream, too. And a few frozen pizzas. He decided to get some frozen dinners, too. Then he got some milk. And some orange juice. And bacon. And a bunch of other meats.

"Fred 'the Blob' Dukes," Fred said to himself. "Master of shopping."

"Fred Dukes?"

"Yeah?"

"MUTANT HEATHEN!" Fred noticed that several shoppers had dropped their shopping and gathered around him. "BACK TO HELL YOU GO, HEATHEN!"

"What! Wait! Did you mean Fred J. Dukes? Because I'm Bob 'the Fred' Dukes."

"Oh... what denomination are you?"

"Uh... I dunno. I guess I'm an agnostic or something."

"HEATHEN! HEATHEN!"

"AAAH! I was just kidding! Good Baptist humor, huh?"

"..."

"I'll go now." Fred quickly ran out with his shopping cart, not bothering to pay.

--------------------

After the Brotherhood had eaten something, there was a knock at the door. Still being careful, they wondered which of them should answer. Fred had already done something. Wanda... well, Wanda wasn't one to follow orders, so it was just Lance and Todd. Lance pushed Todd out of the kitchen and that was that.

"Uh... hello?"

"Hi there, youngster," an old, gray man with glasses said. "Are your parents home?"

"Ain't got parents."

"Aunt and uncle?"

"Nope."

"Grandparents?"

"Nah."

"Other legal guardian?"

"She ain't home right now. Can I take a message?"

"No, that's alright... are you by yourself, son?"

"Uh..." Todd took a quick glance at the kitchen. The others shook their heads. "Nope. Just me."

"You're never alone, son. Perhaps I should tell you about Jesus Christ?"

"I know Jesus. We go bowlin' together."

"DO NOT INSULT MY LORD!" The old man somehow managed to open Todd's mouth and pull his tongue out, then with his free hand caught a dagger that slid out of his sleeve.

"AAAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAH!!!"

"Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in vain!" The old man brought the dagger down, but in a freak accident, Todd's tongue became slippery and he lost his grip, but it was too late, and he had already begun. With no tongue to cut, the dagger met his right left thigh. Todd quickly closed the door and jumped upstairs. Curious to see what had happened, Lance opened the door. He found that the man was gone, and the bloody dagger had been stuck onto the door. Engraved on the handle were the words "Mutants will not be spared!"

"It's worse than I thought, guys."

--------------------

The Brotherhood gathered in Pietro's room, which they had decided would become their war room, since he wasn't there. Todd sat in Pietro's bed, nervously gripping his tongue.

"Mah deah thweeth thungue..."

"So we've got religious psychos after us. That was close, Toad. If Wanda hadn't saved your ass, you'd be giving up flies."

"Ah thoulda nown! You thaveb mah lithe!" Todd quickly slurped his tongue back into his mouth. "My hero! I'm yours forever!"

"Arrgh!" Wanda slapped him. "Don't flatter yourself. I did it because even you don't deserve that."

"My swee-"

"Okay, that's enough, Toad," Lance yelled. "Now, they know where we live. If this guy tells his buddies, we'll have a whole mess of fundamentalists to deal with. Our first action should be to move somewhere else for a while."

"Where can we go?"

--------------------

"I'm so glad you've decided to sign your lives to me," Professor Xavier said. "As you can see, once you are in my grip, there's no way you can escape!"

"Who are you talking to, Charles?"

"Uh... you're hearing things, Storm... you remember nothing... yes..."

--------------------

The Brotherhood gathered in room 2F of the Last Resort Motel. They had checked out the room for two people (Lance and Wanda, using clever disguises... a moustache and a blonde wig. Guess which was wearing which!), because Fred and Todd were too recognizeable. Wanda sat on the bed she had claimed as hers, and Fred sat on the bed he'd chosen for himself... Lance and Todd didn't feel up to challenging him, so they slept on the floor. Lance sat on the one chair the room had, and Todd sat on top of the TV.

"Okay, so part one was a success," Lance said.

"Let's celebrate," Fred suggested. "There's a Chuck E. Cheese's across the street."

"Dammit, Blob, we're here to plan!"

"Okay, how about this, we bomb all local churches and make sure to burn all their children!"

"No, Toad, we're trying to avoid that kind of thing right now. Wanda, what do you think?"

"I say we go back to living our lives and crush anyone who stands in our way."

"You gotta admit, Wanda's idea is practical," Todd said.

"Dammit! You're all lunatics! Here's the plan. We pose as religious fanatics and whack their leader."

"Ooh! Ooh! I want to be the Muslim fanatic!" Todd yelled. He hopped around, yelling "jihad!" in his best Arab voice.

"I'll be the Jewish fanatic!" Fred yelled. "Ya schmuck! Ya schmuck!" Annoyed, Wanda made Fred's bed collapse, and the door flew open has as Todd was jumping to the other wall. He crashed into it and was stuck outside when it closed again.

"Thank you," Lance said. "But we all have to be Christian fanatics. We'll have to practice a bit if we want to be convincing."

"Lemme in! I'll be good! I promise!"

"Okay then... maybe I should do all the talking... okay, wait, I just got a brainstorm!"

"Will you just settle on a plan?!" Wanda yelled.

"Okay, here we go then. Reverend Foster lives in Virginia. We'll drive over to his house. Me and you will distract him while Toad and Fred sneak in. That sound good?"

"It's the best plan we have," Fred said.

"Alright, whatever." Wanda then opened the door and let the freezing Todd back in.

"Aaaack... some crazy hobo flashed me!"

--------------------

On their way to Virginia (which city, that's up to you), the Brotherhood listened to a little traveling music. Wanda sat with Fred in the backseat, not wanting to be stuck next to Todd, who rode shotgun and had control of the radio.

"Born to be wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil-" Quickly, Lance turned the radio off.

"Hey, what gives?! That's perfect road music!"

"Yeah, that's the problem. I've heard it used so many times that I can't listen to it without thinking of car commercials." Todd began to fidget, and quickly popped in a tape to keep himself busy.

"In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit," the narrator on the tape explained. "Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole..." Quickly, Lance pushed the eject button and threw the tape out the window.

"HEY!"

"Toad, I've let you play that twice already! Why don't you just start reading?!"

"Too much effort!" Todd sat back and put his feet on the dashboard. He peered back at Fred. "Yo, Fred, got your Game Boy?"

"Nope. Got taken by the cops."

"So what's that Wanda's playin'?"

"That's my Game Boy Advance."

"What's up with this? I asked if you had a Game Boy and you said no!"

"Yeah, you asked if I had a Game Boy, not if I-"

"Alright, alright, I get it, I get it," Todd muttered, not wanting to hear the punchline. Before Lance could stop him, Todd turned the radio back on. A new song had already begun. Suddenly, Wanda began to sing along.

"...Mirrors on the ceiling, pink champagne on ice, and she said we are all just prisoners here, of our own device..."

"You dig this, Wanda?" Todd asked.

"Maybe." Todd began to sing along, and then Fred. Unable to resist, Lance started, too.

"And in the master's chambers, they gathered for a feast, they stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast."

"Last thing I remember," Todd sang, doing a solo, "I was runnin' for the door, I had to find the passage back to the place I was before..."

"Relax, said the nightman," Wanda continued, "We are programmed to receive, you can check out any time you like, but you can nev-"

"WE INTERRUPT THIS PROGRAM TO BRING YOU AN IMPORTANT NEWS BULLETIN."

"DAMMIT! DAMMIT DAMMIT DAMMIT!" Todd screamed.

"Earlier today, Reverend Foster issued the following statement: 'I know what you're doing, you mutant vermin! You're probably sitting in your jeep, on your way over to my house to ambush and murder me! Well it's not gonna work! I have The Lord on my side!'" Suddenly, nothing happened. Everyone shrugged and continued.

--------------------

Dressed in black burglar outfits, Blob and Toad sat near the backdoor of Reverend Foster's house. It wasn't hard tracking him down. He lived with his wife and their son, who was about their age. Lance, once again wearing his mustache and a suit, and Wanda, wearing a blonde wig and a black dress, as well as carrying a bible in her hands.

"Okay, just follow my lead," Lance said. Reverend Foster opened the door. "Good evening, Reverend."

"Oh, hello."

"I'm John Matenopoulos, this is my wife Christie. We wer-"

"FOREIGNERS AND SODOMITES, BOTH OF YOU! GET OUT!" Reverend Foster slammed the door on the confused pair.

"What now, great leader?"

"We go with the usual plan."

"Care to fill me in?"

"Well, here's how it goes." Lance let out a slight tremor. "Okay, bust the door down, Scarlet Witch!" With her codename spoken, it was officially a mission. Scarlet Witch caused the hinges to simply fall off, and the door fell with them. They saw that Blob and Toad had gotten Avalanche's signal and had already busted in through the back door. Mrs. Foster had already been locked in a closet. Reverend Foster sat calmly in his chair as the mutants surrounded him.

"Nice of you to join me, boys," he said. "And you too, young lady."

"This ends here," Scarlet Witch said.

"So you've locked my wife away and you have me cornered. You've forgotten one thing." Suddenly, a teenager in a white gown with a golden cross appeared. "This is my apprentice and son, Joshua Foster. He will deal with your scum!"

"Yeah? What, is he a mutant, too?" Blob asked.

"He a karate master?" Toad asked.

"He gonna preach us to death?" Avalanche asked.

"No," Joshua said. "SHINING GOD STRIKE!" Somehow, out of nowhere, lightning struck Avalanche, and he fell to the floor. "Care to test your luck, sinners?!"

"How'd you do that?" Blob asked.

"Freddy, NO!"

"Like THIS! SHINING GOD STRIKE!" This time, Blob fell.

"We surrender! We surrender!" Toad screamed.

"SHINING GOD STRIKE!" Now Toad was on the floor. "Just you and me, you harlot! SHINING GOD STRIKE!" Somehow (somehow, really?), the lightning hit Joshua instead. Scarlet Witch had to chuckle. Now it was just her and the Rev himself.

"Very well. The time has come to unleash the full power of the Bible!" Reverend Foster took the book and posed dramatically. "The time has come at last! Now, you heathen! Feel the full power of God! HOLY MANIFESTATION!"

A giant, gold-colored being made entirely out of light appeared. Scarlet Witch remained unfazed.

"Are you not going to run? Are you not a GOD-FEARING girl?!"

"No."

"HEATHEN!! HEATHEN!!"

"I alwayssss know..." a hissing voice declared. Caliban stood at the doorway with his usual bland expression.

"What? Who is this new demon?! What does he always know?!"

"This is Caliban. I had a hunch, so I asked him to come along. Looks like I was right."

"RIGHT?! RIGHT ABOUT WHAT?!"

"You are a mutant," Caliban said.

"NO! NOOOOO!! I AM NO ABOMINATION! I AM ONE OF GOD'S CHOSEN FEW! SO IS MY SON!! WE ARE THE CHOSEN!!"

"My work here is finished," Caliban said. "And my reward?"

"Here," Scarlet Witch said. She took Toad's wallet and removed whatever money she could find. "Have this."

"This is of little usssse to me..."

"Ahem."

"I will make due..." Caliban took the money and left. As the others began to wake up, Reverend Foster fell to the ground in tears. The mission was over.

--------------------

The Brotherhood sat around the living room, having nothing to do. Todd jumped in and turned on the television.

"Toad, it's Saturday. There's nothing worth watching today," Lance grumbled.

"CNN is always worth watching, yo," Todd said as he changed the channel.

"Okay, Toad. Remind me to beat you for saying that."

"Reverend Foster has is apparently retracting his statements condemning mutants... we take you now live." Reverend Foster came on the screen, with several microphones attached to the podium.

"I was hasty in dismissing mutants as monsters and sinners. I now realize that mutants are far beyond humans. In fact, I believe that it is humanity's duty to worship humans, as they are the closest beings to God that have ever walked the Earth. Also, I would like to announce that I am a mutant."

"So nothing's changed, big deal," Lance said.

"Yep. So what do you want to do?"

"Let's go drive a Rabbi insane," Fred suggested.

"You're on!"

Wanda groaned. Sometimes she felt she was better off dead than the Brotherhood house.

The End

Reverend Foster's a bit of an in-joke, as I keep using him in fanfiction (or in original fiction) whenever I need a crazy fanatical Evangelical leader who is fond of yelling "SODOMITES!" at sinners.