Cats and Dogs Living Together, But No Mass Hysteria

March 1, 3019

It sucks all to hell, finding out that between you and your goal is a huge swamp full of dead people, and it'll be really damned difficult to avoid it. The nearest I can manage is a southerly route in hopes of skirting the western edge, then cutting eastward across what the map says is a sort of dry stretch between two monstrous piles of marshland.

The charter review meeting last evening had a mixed reception. I didn't call particular attention to the Ring, for obvious reasons, and glossed over the risks in general terms. Okay, I flat out didn't mention any of them. I'm taking the stance that the risks in this endeavor are mine to manage. I can only hope Ufkoth doesn't go all Boromir on us. He's pretty big.

Speaking of Ufkoth, I dragged some stunningly juicy tidbits out of him. Or he was just pissed enough to dish. Coincidentally, about dishes, in the food preference sense. You see, he ate his last meat ration this morning, and Sam made a comment:

Sam: If you're still hungry, there's lembas.

Ufkoth: [stink-eye] No. I am not hungry enough to eat ass. [shoots me a hostile look]

Me: [mild 'fuck you' glance]

Sam: [huffs] It's not that bad. A sight better than what you've got, I'll warrant.

Ufkoth: [sneer] I prefer meat.

Sam: Well, you won't be getting any more of that sort of meat, so you'd better get used...

Ufkoth: [royally pissed] [holds up shriveled meat strip] What do you think this is?

Sam: [sassy] I'd rather not say.

Me: [mom] All right, that's enough. Let it go, Sam. I think he grasps that eating man-flesh isn't an acceptable practice while he's...

Ufkoth: [colossally fucking pissed] [nuclear detonation imminent] [3...] My clan did not eat it! We never ate it!

Sam/Frodo/Me: [stunned]

Me: [timidly] [calming] Okay. It's just that... by all accounts, Saruman fed you...

Ufkoth: [2...] I don't fucking eat man-flesh! I have never eaten man-flesh!

Sam/Frodo: [scooting back]

Me: [stupidly] But... you could have...

Ufkoth: [1...] He fed his Uruk-hai man-flesh! He made them hunger for it!

Me: [palming pepper spray can] Are you saying... you're not... Uruk-hai?

Ufkoth: [explodes] I... AM NOT... URUK-HAI!

[lengthy pause] [watch Ufkoth gasp, twitch, and quiver from minimum safe distance]

*** PAUSE FOR COMMERCIAL BREAK ***

Me: [quietly] What are you, then? By your definition?

Ufkoth: [gathers shit] [calms self] [perhaps engages internal debate]

Frodo: [calming] You are welcome to share our rations. And perhaps if we find...

Sam: [joining in] Coneys. We're bound to come across'em this time of year. Poking their noses out to have a sniff of the air. That'll be a nice change once in awhile, won't it?

Me: [awkward] Ufkoth. [he darts a wary look at me] Tell us about yourself. Who you are. Where you came from. All we have are guesses. I swear, we're not trying to poke fun at you or piss you off. We've got a long road ahead of us; we need to come together. Can you do that?

Ufkoth: [growl] I did not ask for this.

Me: [nods] [gently] I know.

Ufkoth: [hesitates] I am an Orc.

Me: [delicately] Don't take this the wrong way, but... what were your parents?

Ufkoth: [narrows eyes] [curls lip] My da was a Man; mum was an Orc.

Me: [uncertain] So... what are the Uruk-hai made of?

Ufkoth: [sneer] Blood and shit.

Me: [wry] You're not too fond of them, are you?

Ufkoth: [snort] Arrogant pigs. They are made the same way I was: Orc and Man. Because I was not made in Isengard, I was less than they.

Me: [fascinated] Did Saruman treat you differently, or...?

Ufkoth: [growl] [distasteful hiss] Saruman. He knows nothing of Orcs. He thinks we are all the same. He called me Uruk-hai; his 'pets' did not. [pause] [very aggressive snarl] I do not eat the flesh of Men.

Me: Okay. That's a relief. But... I'm curious...

Ufkoth: [snarl] What now?

Me: Your grandparents. What were they?

Ufkoth: [low-grade stink-eye] My da's father was an Orc; his mum was Mannish. My mum's parents were both Orcs.

Me: [starting to get a picture] So... this clan of yours... Orcs and Men living together... in relative peace? Enough to... intermarry?

Ufkoth: [snarl] Yes.

Me: [stunned] Wow. [turn to Hobbits] Oh my god, guys. This... this is a beautiful thing, right here. Do you understand what he's saying?

Frodo: [math whiz] Men and Orcs have learned to live with one another.

Me: Yeah. Here I was thinking it was a completely foreign concept, unknown in this world. But... [gesture at Ufkoth] look at him. He's the end result of a couple of generations of Men and Orcs living together. In peace, no less. You don't call yourself a 'clan' if half the members are assholes. It's all for one and one for all.

Sam: [ever the skeptic] What sort of Men, though? The kind who're no better'n they should be?

Ufkoth: [growl] [stink-eye level increasing]

Me: [emergency subject change] I think we should probably look for a place to camp, you think?

Not gonna lie, totally excited about these bits and pieces Ufkoth drops when harassed. Now I'm wondering if the reason why Saruman contacted his clan in particular was because the 'ancient method of Orc breeding' was a natural occurrence there, and they'd already found that perfect balance of Mannish and Orcish traits the old bastard was looking for. In which case, the 'native Isengarders' oughta shut the fuck up, because the original blueprint didn't come from Isengard.

Oh shit. Did Saruman take these clans and break them apart? All of them? Because there can't have just been one. There had to be more. I hope Ufkoth knows. But I think I'll let him cool down some more before asking.