"How are you, Rory?"

"Fine"

"Do you want to talk about what happened yesterday?"

"No... I'd rather not"

"Why is that?"

"I just don't know what I could say... I don't really even remember"

"You remember leaving your home?"

"Yeah, I remember all that... just not the lighthouse..."

"The lighthouse?"

"Yeah"

"What happened at the lighthouse?"

"I don't know. I can't remember"

"Alright. Let's talk about something else then. How you've been feeling lately. In general"

"I don't see the point in this"

"Rory, a lot of people are worried about you. You know that right?"

"Yeah"

"Everybody wants to see you happy. They are trying to help"

"I hate to be a disappointment for everyone"

"That was a bit cynical"

"Yeah, well, cynicism runs in the family"

"Does it?"

"Look, I know this constant question asking is supposed to get me talking and have a breakthrough where I profess that my dog was stolen from me when I was two and I have deep scars because of that, which explain why I've been acting like a total weirdo lately, but I don't believe that, okay?"

"So you think your bad mood is not a consequence?"

"I can't really find a reason. It just happened"

"When did it happen?"

"I don't know. I can't really pinpoint a moment where I started feeling crappy"

"So it's totally inexplicable for you?"

"I don't know"

"Do you always feel that way? 'Crappy'?"

"No. I guess it comes and goes"

"Tell me about your boyfriend"

"What does he have to do with this?"

"He was with you yesterday"

"It wasn't his fault"

"You've been having problems?"

"No. God no. I am not some lame girl who wants to keep her boyfriend by pulling a stunt"

"I didn't say that. I was trying to ask you about your relationship"

"He is not the reason. I know everybody thinks that he is the reason I am messed up, but he is probably the only thing keeping me sane still"

"Why do you say that?"

"He is the only person who hasn't been telling me that I am weird, that there is something wrong with me and that I need help"

"Why do you think that is?"

"Because he doesn't think I am crazy? He seems to be the only one"

"Cynical again"

"Yeah, well you should get used to it"

"You don't think you need to be here talking to me?"

"I don't know. I..."

"Rory, forget what everybody thinks or says. How do you feel? Do you feel that there is something wrong with you?"

"I... I don't know. I know I am different. That I've changed"

"Do you like that change?"

"No. I don't think so. It's confusing"

"Do you think it has to be that way?"

"I don't know. Maybe this is what growing up is like. Maybe you start realizing that not everything is simple, black or white. That there are things you will never know for sure. That there are decisions where you will never know if it was right or wrong but you will just have to trust that it was right"

"Have these questions been bothering you for a long time?"

"I guess. I mean, I have to decide on a lot of things. A lot of things that I've decided long ago, but I am not sure that I am sticking to those decisions because I want to or just because I never dared to think about having other options"

"Are you talking about college?"

"College, life, everything. Is it possible that someone can realize that they have just been stuck playing a role? And that if they could do it all over again maybe their life would end up completely different?"

"Yes that is possible"

"I mean, what if for some stupid reason my parents wouldn't have gotten married? Or if I had wanted to be a ballerina and not a journalist? Or if I didn't want to go to Chilton? Would I be a different person? Would I be the same?"

"You can't really know the answers to these questions, Rory"

"Yeah, I guess you can't"

"Why does this bother you so much?"

"I don't know. Aren't you supposed to be all screwed up when you are a teenager?"

"You didn't used to be"

"Yeah, well, I still ended up like that. Does that scare them?"

"Who?"

"Everyone? That their perfect little girl is not stable and smart and happy, like they always thought she was?"

"Are you talking about your parents?"

"My parents, my grandparents, our friends, everyone"

"Do you think they expect you to be perfect?"

"I guess they just got used to it"

"Because you were always perfect?"

"Because I always tried to be"

"And now you're tired of being like that?"

"No... I guess I am just tired of ...being"

"Is that what you were thinking yesterday at the lighthouse?"

"I don't think I was thinking at the lighthouse"

"Does that scare you?"

"Yes"

"So what's gonna happen?"

"I don't know. I thought you were supposed to tell me that"

xxxxxxxxxx

"Mr. Hayden, Ms. Gilmore"

Lorelai looked up hearing her name and saw the counsellor step in through the door.

She got up from the couch she and Christopher had been occupying for the past two hours.

"I am done with the initial review" the woman said sitting down across from them.

"She seems to be doing a lot better today" Christopher blurted out "I mean, compared to yesterday"

Lorelai just sighed, an uneasy look in her eyes. She never ever thought she would be at a counsellor's office waiting to find out how Rory is. This just never ever was a possibility. She slumped back into her seat, a lump forming in her throat. She felt Chris squeeze her hand and it almost made her start to cry but she took a deep breath instead focusing on the woman in front of her.

"I think that Rory seems to be in a severe state of depression which ultimately lead to what we call a psychotic episode"

"Oh my god" Chris said, his eyes wide.

"You're saying she's crazy" Lorelai blurted out.

"No" the woman said, emphasizing the word as if trying to calm them both "that's not what I am saying"

Lorelai sighed frustrated and bit her lips trying to stay quiet.

"With any type of mood disorder, if extremely severe, there is a possibility that the individual loses their touch with reality. That seemed to happen to Rory. Now, she seems to be completely stable and well right now, but I think she is a very intelligent person who seems to balance out her emotional problems and we shouldn't be convinced she is fine just because she is acting rational right now. I think she will need ongoing therapy and personally, I think that she needs some medical treatment as well"

"How did this happen, why?" Christopher asked, his face distorted.

"It's really hard to evaluate the emotional state of someone in one sitting, but from what I gather, I think it's a combination of her pushing herself really hard to meet her own expectations and difficulty coping with the changes in her life"

"What does that mean?" Christopher asked.

"She is saying it's our fault" Lorelai said bitterly.

"No, that's not what I am saying, Ms. Gilmore. Rory is someone who's always been very driven. She has these huge goals and she's fought for them for a long time. She's worked really hard despite the fact that she's only a teenager. I don't think that it's strange, the fact that she would at one point feel like the pressure is just too much"

"But we never ever put that pressure on her" Lorelai said frustrated "does she think we expect her to be perfect?"

"I think she does. I think she is just so used to being perfect and impressing everyone that she thinks that it sort of became her role to meet those expectations. Even if they were placed upon her by herself"

"So we just tell her she doesn't need to do that anymore" Chris said.

"I don't think it's that simple, Mr. Hayden. Telling someone that it's okay to give up is not going to make them feel better. I think that we need to encourage her to reevaluate her goals and we also need to help her with a lot of the emotional turmoil she's been experiencing"

"What do you mean by that?" Lorelai asked wearily.

"I think she is dealing with a great deal of anxiety and depression and I think she should be treated for that"

"You want to put her on drugs?" Chris asked shocked.

"Yes, I think that is needed"

"Wow, okay, slow down. Isn't there therapy or I don't know, something else that we can do? Do we have to drug her senseless just because she is depressed?" Lorelai said raising her voice.

"I am not saying that. Look, you are her parents, it is ultimately your decision. Let me explain why I think it is necessary. Depression is a chemical disbalance, it is a disease just like diabetes or high blood pressure. Something that can be controlled by the right types of drugs. I have seen many people who needed this as an initial step in their treatment, to get them out of that low"

"I just...I... I don't see how we got here, I mean she was always so balanced, so happy, such a good kid and now you want to put her on drugs..."

"Ms. Gilmore, please, don't make this into more than it is. I personally think it would help her. It's not a lifelong treatment, it's not sedatives, it's not addictive, just something that might help her start to cope"

Lorelai turned towards Christopher desperately.

"I think we should try" Chris said and Lorelai looked on surprised "I mean, if she feels she would like to of course"

"Chris" Lorelai started unsure.

"No, Lor, I don't know her anymore. I thought everything was fine and now she is just so quiet and hurt and running off to feel better, this isn't right. Now maybe we haven't been paying attention, maybe we've been too busy with Matt or our work or our lives or maybe we were just in denial and didn't see the signs, but we gotta do whatever it takes to help her" he said passionately, his eyes sparkling.

Lorelai looked at him talk, tears welling in her eyes.

"She's our little girl" she whispered.

"I know. We are gonna help her" Chris said grabbing her hand "it's going to be alright"

"I think it's very important that you support her and let her know that also" the counsellor went on and Chris turned to her, his expression focused, determined and Lorelai just stared at him unable to tear herself away. He could always be tough if it was needed. She realized that. In the crucial moments of their lives, somehow he always found his confidence, something that helped her stay strong, and face everything.

She sighed and turned to face the counsellor as well paying attention to what she was saying.

"Now, I suggest that we put her back into her normal course of life as soon as possible, as soon as she is capable. Our experience shows that kids with a strong support network, a strong work ethic, a goal tend to improve better, tend to react more to treatment"

"How is this going to work?" Christopher asked.

"I think the best would be to get her started on some antidepressants and a mood stabilizer and get her back into school. She will of course need constant counselling, but given your background and her history, I think that we can be optimistic"

"So just go and pretend nothing happened?" Lorelai asked bewildered.

The woman sighed.

"No. Definitely not. Ignoring that there is a problem makes this worse, Ms. Gilmore. I suggest you try and talk to Rory, spend more time with her, get to understand her. It's important not to punish her for these feelings. You have to understand that this situation is not a cry for help or her forcing you to pay more attention to her. But it is a sign that her mood is a consequence of a brittle balance. You have to be ready for something like this happening"

"You are saying this will happen again?" Chris asked.

"It's impossible to tell. Maybe she'll go back to the completely balanced girl she always was. Maybe she never recovers. Maybe she shows bipolar symptoms. Only time will tell. Either way, your support, and those of everyone around her is crucial"

Lorelai sighed closing her eyes.

"Do you think she has a strong support system to help her through this?" the woman asked.

Chris looked at Lorelai and sighed.

"She has a childhood friend in our town, and she's always been friendly with everyone in Chilton.. although, perhaps lately she's been withdrawn... I honestly don't know if she has friends that could help her..." he said unsure.

"She has Tristan" Lorelai said quietly and Chris looked at her suddenly.

She looked at him smiling a wry smile.

"It's true. He seems to be the only one who can reach her nowadays"

"Her boyfriend?" the woman asked.

Lorelai smiled a bittersweet smile seeing Chris wincing hearing that term. He still had trouble understanding the sudden switch of boyfriends.

"Yes" Lorelai said and then laughed bitterly "although I'm not sure he isn't just as lost as Rory is"

"Well... maybe that is not a bad thing. Obviously, Rory seems to trust him if he's going through similar feelings"

"Yeah, I guess" Lorelai said furrowing her brows "that would explain how quickly they became so close"

"I suggest you appreciate any type of support she can get at this point" the woman said as she got up from her seat to walk out from the waiting room.

Lorelai stared at a spot on the floor in front of her as Chris pulled her close kissing the top of her head.

"What happened?" she whimpered.

"I don't know, Lor. I never thought she could..." he started but trailed off.

"She was so helpless. So lost" she cried burying her face in his chest.

"It's gonna be okay. Everything is going to be fine" he said, his voice shaky, but determined.

She nodded her head biting her lip to stop herself from crying, wishing he was right, wishing she would believe him.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"Hey" she heard his voice, for the first time since she knew him unsure, and timid.

She looked up, sitting on her bed in her quiet room.

She smiled.

"That's the first time I've seen you use that door" she said amused and he smiled uncomfortably.

"Yeah, your mom let me in" he said pointing backwards as if trying to identify Lorelai.

He was still standing in the doorway, his uniform slightly ruffled. She smiled realizing he came straight from school.

"How was school?" she said staring at his uniform.

He shrugged and took a step towards her bed, unsure of what to do with himself.

"Same as ever" he said.

She dropped her gaze to the floor, her face becoming serious and he just stood there looking at her.

"I can't really remember what happened..." she started, catching him slightly off guard.

He looked at her undecided, waiting for her to go on.

"...at the lighthouse... you know" she said as if trying to clarify.

He sighed barley noticeable.

"I'm sorry if I scared you" she said, still not looking up.

He moved to her bed coming to sit next to her.

"There is nothing you have to be sorry for" he whispered, his hand reaching out to touch hers but then stopping midway as if he were afraid to break her.

"They said that... it's depression... that it can be treated" she looked up as if waiting for his permission.

He sighed opening his mouth to speak, but then changing his mind. He was staring at a spot on her bed as if contemplating something.

"Do you think that will help?" he finally asked, his voice quiet, barely audible.

She looked up at him uncertain.

"I don't know" she said "I just don't. I mean I feel the effect. Of what they've given me already. Last night, when I was... you know" she said closing her eyes.

"What does it feel like?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know. Numb, I guess. It takes that feeling away. The one that grips your chest. It's easier to breathe, I guess. But then everything else seems a little numb as well"

He looked at her, his expression slightly troubled.

"You don't think I should take them?" she asked, her eyes fixed on his.

He dropped his gaze going back to his favorite spot.

"I didn't say that" he said.

"You are thinking it" she replied.

He smiled frustrated.

"You read minds now?" he said trying to lighten the mood.

"You think you battled this without any help, you learned to control it without taking anything" she said, her eyes strangely fiery.

He sighed looking up at her.

"Maybe it wasn't the same thing" he said.

She looked at him unconvinced.

He sighed again, his hands grasping hers.

"Rory. Look. Whatever it takes... for you to feel better" he started, struggling with the words "it's fine. Just tell me it does make it better. Tell me it is better"

He looked into her eyes, his face concerned.

"I missed you" she said quietly.

He exhaled in relief as if he had been holding a breath in forever. He pulled her into a hug, squeezing her tight and inhaling her smell as if trying to memorize every single thing about her.

"I did too" he sighed.

"I just wish I knew what to do. What the right decision was" she mumbled into his hold.

He pulled away slightly.

"You'll make the right decision" he said quietly.

"How is that?" she asked looking up into his eyes.

"Every decision is right" he simply said.

She chuckled lightly.

"Oh yeah? How is that?" she asked, not believing him.

"Well" he sighed, his gaze dropping to her hand, his fingers playing with hers "I believe that every person finds the place where they should be. It's like entropy. Or gravity. You come to rest in the position that you were meant to be in. It's like water, finding it's way through the cracks to fill up that hole that it was meant to" he spoke slowly, his words flowing from his mouth effortlessly. She listened with her breath held, as if he were telling her some great truth, something that would explain everything.

"And it really doesn't matter how you got there" he looked up again, meeting her gaze "the way you got there is beside the point, because in the end it didn't make a difference. So really, there is no wrong or right decisions. Every decision just moves you forward"

She stared at him. His words made so much sense, and she wondered for a second how he could be so wise beyond his years.

"So that should give you faith?" she asked.

"No, it doesn't prove anything. It doesn't promise anything. But I guess it gives you a sort of confidence, knowing this"

"Because it's out of your hand?"

"Because it doesn't make you think you are responsible for the whole world" he chuckled lightly "Yeah, I guess some things are out of your hand"

"Is this supposed to make me feel better?" she asked uneasy.

"No, you should also take your Zoloft if you wanna feel better" he chuckled and she slapped him playfully.

Leave it to him to make a joke about things that were life or death serious.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

She walked into the kitchen and stopped suddenly seeing her mother. She sighed slightly.

There it was again. An uncomfortable silence. She wondered for a second when they started to have these. They never used to. They were in sync, they were reading each other. And even when they fought, it only lasted till the next time they were in the same room and no longer.

Now it was different. Like something had been broken. Something that couldn't even be named, described.

"Hey" Lorelai said unsure, forcing out a smile.

"Hey" she replied trying to match her smile. She mused at how incredibly hard it was to smile.

"How are you feeling?" Lorelai asked, still unsure.

Rory shrugged her shoulders.

"Want some coffee?" Lorelai asked, sitting down on a kitchen stool.

"Sure" Rory answered.

She sat down on the stool next to her mom, leaning on the counter and accepting the cup of hot liquid.

"Nothing's all wrong when you got coffee" Lorelai said trying to lighten the mood.

She took a sip and didn't look up. It somehow felt like an incredible burden suddenly. Trying to have a conversation. She never thought about it like that before. A conversation as a task. But suddenly it seemed like it.

"I'm sorry" she said quietly and felt her mother freeze.

"About what?" Lorelai whispered, fear in her voice.

"About all this. I wish I knew why I'm like this" she answered truly.

Lorelai just watched her.

"It's not your fault" she finally said. Her voice was strong, determined "It isn't"

"Yeah" she mouthed silently into her cup "I'm still sorry you have to deal with this"

"Hey. It's better than you being a drunk. Or a druggie. Right?" Lorelai joked then suddenly stopped, unsure again.

Rory stared ahead as if contemplating. As if choosing the answer to that question was the most important decision she could make. As if having the strength to play along would prove a point. To herself. To her mom. To everyone.

"Or a Backstreet Boy fan" she said quietly, still not looking at her mother but finally managing a smile.

She was sure she felt Lorelai's relief just then. As if that one comment convinced her that everything was going to be fine.

"Or a marching band member" Lorelai chuckled.

"Hey, Lane is a marching band member" she said in mock hurt.

"I'm sure her momma's proud" she chuchkled.

"Actually she is" Rory played along.

"I mean, god, who wouldn't want to see their daughter in ugly, ill fitting uniforms with little top hats and a yellow feather, punching a huge drum?" Lorelai ranted.

"It's actually a really nice uniform" she commented.

"It would make any honest, respectable Seventh Day Methodist proud" Lorelai gleamed.

"You know what, I might just join the marching band if you really think that" Rory teased.

"Oh my god, do that and I'll start volunteering on the PTA" Lorelai said, her face threatening.

"You would not dare" Rory narrowed her eyes.

"Oh yeah? Watch me organize the baking sale, missy" Lorelai joked.

"Fine. No marching band. But I might buy Millenium" she quipped.

"That's it, I am disowning you!" Lorelai said shocked.

She laughed. Wholeheartedly. She watched her mother's face light up and sighed smiling.

She suddenly realized it was going to be fine. No matter how she felt right now. Or how it had been for the past couple of months. She was going to be alright.

"Mom?"

"Yeah kiddo?"

"I think I want to go back to school" she said staring at a spot on the counter.

"Rory. You don't have to do that. You can have a bit of rest. You only missed a couple of days. Feel free to ..."

"I am good" she broke her off "Really"

Lorelai looked at her narrowing her eyes.

"Okay" she whispered "of you want that"

She smiled a wry smile as she got up from the counter to go back upstairs. She really wasn't sure what she wanted. But she hoped it was that.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

She stood at the entrance of the big building clutching her binder, looking at the long hallway full of kids in uniforms. She sighed.

The last couple of days have been okay. She almost felt normal. Of course that was back home, in her room, where she worked on feeling okay for the past couple of days. This place here. Well, it always managed to make her feel unsure, weird, uncertain.

She felt a hand slide into hers. She looked to the side to see him staring at that same hallway, calm and cool as always. She smiled a light smile. It was different, facing everything with him by his side.

"Ready for the zoo?" he asked, glancing at her.

"I heard there are new chimps" she replied.

"Oh yeah" he started walking, holding her hand still "they are very delightful. Please observe: to your right, the mating ritual" he said pointing towards a girl and a guy leaning against the lockers, "to your left the females of the species collecting insects off of each other as a sign of affection" he went on observing a group of girls gossiping and giggling in a group "and of course the leader of the pack observing the happenings from a very high rock" he finished as they came to stand in front of Headmaster Chilton, obviously not amused by Tristan's remark.

Rory blushed slightly and dropped her gaze.

"Ms. Gilmore, it's good to see you back at work" he said turning towards Rory and ignoring Tristan "how are you feeling?"

Rory blushed even more glancing around uncomfortably, self conscious.

"I'm okay, thank you" she said quietly.

"Glad to hear. Mrs. Woodbridge is expecting you three times a week, don't forget" he said and smiled.

Rory nodded uncomfortably and walked on, still holding Tristan's hand.

"You have to meet her three times a week?" she heard him ask.

"Yeah, after school" she answered.

"How is she?" he asked worried.

"Well, about yea tall, 18th century glasses, curly black hair, weird accent" she joked not wanting a serious discussion on the topic.

Tristan stopped pulling her back to face him.

"What wrong?" he asked.

"Is everybody talking about me?" she suddenly asked, looking up into his eyes.

"They might be" he answered nonchalant.

She sighed frustrated and turned to walk on but he pulled her back.

"I honestly don't think that's your biggest problem right now" he said.

"Well it definitely is not helping" she shot back.

"Okay, would you like if they would be talking about something other than your emotional problems?" he said with a hardly noticeable smirk on his face.

"Yes, I would like that"

"Okay" he whispered and grabbed her waist moving forward until his lips crashed into hers. She leaned back slightly, caught off guard by his sudden kiss and she felt her body go limp feeling the passion suppressed in his body. He groaned into the kiss, making her senses tingle. His one hand came up to the back of her head pulling her deeper into the kiss, while his other hand slipped down, grabbing her ass and pulling her against his hips.

He broke away, his eyes full of lust, his breathing heavy.

"There" he said, his voice shaking lightly "you can be sure they are not talking about your problems now" he whispered breaking into a grin.

She stood there, her head still dizzy and unable to think straight. He gave a small peck on the lips then walked past her into the other end of the hallway towards his classroom, leaving her flustered and taken aback.

She looked around seeing the amazed faces staring at her in the hallway that suddenly was really quiet. She cursed, suddenly understanding his words and looked after him just as he turned back to look at her, amused, mischievous smile on his face.

She couldn't help but smile. She turned around walking towards her classroom, ignoring the stares and whispers.

He was right. They would definitely not be talking about her emotional problems now.