The Logical Choice

Chapter Twenty-One

Word Count: 4,365

Rating/Warning/Summary: Same as chapter one

Author's Note: Okay, so... the last line of the last chapter left me intimidated about following it up, and so it took a bit to get back to this. And now, time to post it, and the panic returns. :P

Still, this gets things closer to resolution, even if they're not all settled. They're moving forward, which is really all anyone can do, right?

Chapter Twenty-One

"I think it is best you rest now. You still need to heal."

"Kent," Kokoa whispered, her heart hurting again. "Don't ignore what I said. Please."

He closed his eyes, looking pained. "I am not. I… I could not. However, I… I would much prefer to …. I do not want to have this be a product of your gratitude or… or your acknowledgment that what you had with either Shin or Toma is truly over now that they have both moved on and are able to act only as friends to you. I… You are under no obligation to feel anything for me."

She shook her head. "That's not what this is. I know it may seem like it is after the way I ran from you, but… it isn't. I was scared, Kent, and a part of me still is. It's terrified. I know that there was a very good part of Ukyo who was acting only out of love, and yet… what happened… and I still feel like I don't deserve love or happiness, and I know… I know that the love of a man like you is rare and special because men like you don't fall often and yet in some respects… when they do, they're better than others despite all the reasons you'd think they'd be terrible at it… You are logical and can be so blunt, but you are also so kind and generous and I have seen the depth of your love for your parents. Don't say that's obligation, either. You love them."

Kent lowered his head. "I still think you should rest. This was a very stressful day for you, even if you know now that the others understand and do not judge you for what happened."

"I don't want you to dismiss what I'm saying."

He sighed. "It is simply difficult for me… Even though you may not be wrong about my parents… it is a topic that I do not know how to speak of most times. I am still very aware of their mortality. They are… I… Can you please just rest?"

She took his hand. "I'm not trying to make this harder for you. I just wanted you to understand why… I do want this. I… I am not saying that just because I have wanted to be in love all this time despite being scared of it, and I am not saying that because I want… forgiveness, all though I do. I know I can't just go out to the world and tell them what happened. I can't ask for their understanding. I don't know how I could ever make it up to them. I can't. And yet… I'm still here. I still have… a life to live, and I don't want to do it alone. I don't want to suffer even if there is that part of me that thinks I should."

"Kokoa—"

"I don't know that I won't end up trying to run again even as good to me as you've been. And I don't know that I won't be unreasonable or that we won't fight. We will, and we used to argue pretty good before. I know it won't be easy, but Kent… I want it. I really, really want it. All of it. The love and the home and the family… and you."

He combed back her hair. "This is… unromantic and not what you want to hear, but I think… I would like to take some time and verify that these feelings are not… the product of the moment or the situation and that… they are what we both believe them to be."

She smiled despite the fact that she was crying all over again. "That is so like you. Wanting proof."

"Don't laugh. Please."

"I'm not. It's just… it's not funny, but it's you… It's so very much the you I know… the part of you I love… You know how people say we need our opposite? Not that we can be complete opposites, but that other one..."

"'Only that which is the other gives us unto ourselves.'"

"Yes. That one. I thought about that a lot when I was trying to find out why I couldn't love anyone. Trying to find what it was that I didn't have or they didn't have… what I needed to look for… why it never worked with anyone… I didn't dream it was about Ukyo or any of that, but I tried to find it… I never did… I… you don't go choosing love, you can't pick some perfect partner and make it work. I don't even know that I can say that Ukyo and I had that, though he loved me and I… Maybe you seem like more of the other, but that's not even why I feel like I do about you."

Kent nodded. "I suppose I should also say that I do not think that you fit my original conceptions of a romantic partner… certainly not the one that my parents believed my genetics would lead me to. I have to think that were genetics the only factor, you'd be taller."

She laughed, and he frowned, but she found that so adorable. "I'll wear heels."

"That is not necessary."

"Still, I will. At least once. For you."

"I do not need that."

"I still want to. At least once. To try it. And… I really, really want to try a kiss, too."

Kent flushed red. "And I really believe you should get some rest."

"Can I go home now?"

Ikki almost laughed at Kokoa's impatience. Since the doctor walked in this morning, that was all she wanted to know, even as Ken tried to ask a few more balanced questions about her condition. They did need to know what she was looking at for her recovery, after all, even if most of her injuries had turned out to be minor and she was eager to get out of here.

She looked like she was doing a lot better, and the way she kept looking at Ken with smiles and blushes was adorable. Sawa kept frowning and looking at Ikki, but he could only smile in return. He'd been worried when Ken first admitted that he had feelings for Kokoa, but he'd been wrong to fear that. She wasn't going to break his heart.

Now that she had an explanation for her past and her inability to love, she and Ken had a real chance to make this work. It wasn't going to be simple or easy, but it could still be something good.

"You are getting ahead of yourself," the doctor said. "I haven't finished going through what you need to expect, Mrs. Mizutani."

She blinked, looking a bit confused.

"There was another misunderstanding," Ken said, and she looked at him. "It… It can be corrected."

"Yes, as I was saying, I'm not here to discharge you yet. We haven't gone over what care you will need and how your recovery should progress."

"I'm supposed to rest and take it easy and no lifting, right? I know that. And I will take it easy. Kent is going to make sure of that," she said, giving Ken another smile as she squeezed his hand. "And his parents said… well, they're very interested in making sure I recover properly. And… I have Orion, too. He offered to stay with us and help out."

"He did?" Sawa asked, frowning a little. "He is a little strange, Kokoa. Are you sure... Can you really trust him?"

"Yes."

Ikki didn't figure she was going to change her mind about that. He looked at Ken, who didn't seem bothered by that at all. If Ken accepted it, then it was probably okay. He wasn't going to risk Kokoa's safety, and while Orion's story was weird, Ikki did have a few more reasons to believe it than most.

And if Ken, of anyone, could believe it, then it just might be true.

"I am glad to hear you have a support system, but as we did just discharge your parents, I believe it may be best to wait on sending you home just yet."

"I don't intend to do anything crazy. I… it's hardly fair to Kent, but he would let me stay in bed all day at the house. I just… I really don't want to be at the hospital, and since you mentioned Kent's parents—it's a bit hard for him to be here and with them, so why not let us all be in the same place? That way he's less stressed, they're less stressed, and I don't have to be here where I'm stressed."

Ikki had to laugh at that. Kokoa was even giving them the doe eyes. She looked so innocent and sincere that she was bound to get her way, even if the logical argument failed.

"I can see to it that she rests," Ken said. "That is the point of her going home with me."

The doctor frowned a bit, but then he didn't know that Kokoa and Kent weren't married.

Yet.

Ikki had a feeling that wasn't too far off for them. Even if Ken normally wouldn't rush it, his parents' health might force the issue a little. Not that Ken was marrying her just because his parents were sick. That wasn't him, and it wasn't like that between them. Ken did love her. That was obvious to Ikki, and those smiles and blushes… she was definitely aware she felt something, too.

"Sawa and I were planning on bringing by food and stuff, too, so you wouldn't have to worry about meals."

"See?" Kokoa said. "I can go home. I'll get lots of rest at this rate."

"Here," Orion hopped out of the car and ran around to the back door, opening it for Kent. He grinned at Kokoa for a moment. "I'll hold it just in case so you can pick her up safely."

"Orion." Kokoa was blushing so red Orion was tempted to take out his phone and snap a picture of it. She looked beautiful, even if she hadn't picked out her clothes—Sawa brought them for her—and she wasn't able to make a rose with her braids, either. "Stop it."

"The doctors did say you should not do much walking," Kent said, and that just made her redder as Kent leaned in to gather her into his arms. She didn't try and stop him, and Orion knew she wanted this. She just didn't want to admit she wanted this.

"Yes, but I didn't walk to the car. And it's not that far to the door. I don't actually need to be carried." She buried her face in Kent's shirt. "This is..."

"Oh, she's just embarrassed because she's only ever seen this as a romantic thing to do, not something practical. It's like those stories she used to read as a kid—almost every girl read them, about princesses and rescues… fairy tale picture books are full of stuff like this." Orion said, and Kokoa actually made a little noise that sounded like a shriek.

Kent grimaced. "If you intend to embarrass her, you can leave."

Oh, Kent was so protective. Orion wouldn't have thought it when he first met him, but he was a nice guy.

"I was trying to explain? She does like it, you can tell she does, but she's too shy to admit it. Only I think… with all that happened… you both are going to have to be a lot more open about how you feel than you were before. Because you have doubts and she has doubts… and you need to talk. A lot."

"Orion."

"You may not be wrong about that, but I do not know that it is your place to give us romantic advice. This… relationship is ours, and it is… It has not been as private as I would like, but that does not mean that everyone else should just give us advice or think they know what's best. It… no matter how well-meaning that advice is, if we cannot learn these things ourselves, it is of no benefit. And… We are still determining what this is and what it will be. That is not the time for others to make decisions for us."

Orion winced. "That wasn't my intention."

"I know you're a bit used to talking to me about nearly everything and you were connected to me so you know a lot about my past relationships, but Kent and I do need to do this ourselves," Kokoa said. "If we don't… I'm afraid of what might happen… and I don't want to do that again. I don't want to lose Kent."

Kent looked down at her, his expression troubled, and Orion figured he better stay out of it. He did go up and open the door to the house for them, though, letting Kent carry her inside. Orion heard someone call out to them, and then when he went around the corner, he saw Kent's parents sitting next to each other on the couch. He recognized them from his times in worlds where Kokoa was with Kent, though it was strange to see Daichi with the oxygen tube on his face.

"Kent?"

"Mother, this is Orion. I told you he'd be helping settle Kokoa in for her recovery."

Orion lifted a hand and waved. "Hi. I mean, hello. I… it's very nice of you to take Kokoa in like this. I'm really grateful."

"She is very close to family," Daichi said with a smile. "I understand you are her… brother?"

"Sort of?" Orion said. "I mean, we're not blood-related, but we got really close, and I guess the best way of describing our relationship is like that. We're like family, I'd think, right, Kokoa?"

"Yes," she said as Kent settled her into the other chair. She looked up at him, frowning when he left her there. "Um… Again, thank you both for this. I didn't really want to be alone in my apartment after what happened. Just knowing that Naiken knows about it… it doesn't feel safe or like home anymore."

"Then you intend to move later?" Ayeka asked with another frown. "After you find a new apartment."

"That… hasn't been decided."

"The cost of breaking her lease is excessive," Kent said, "though we were able to convince her landlord that a sub-lease was best under the circumstances as she needs to recover."

"And I had a friend who was looking for an apartment, so he was glad to take it over because it is so close to our school. Oh, I am a student at the university where Kent and Kokoa teach," Orion added, smiling. "I think he'd like to stay there forever because Kokoa's apartment is nice. He even hugged me. At least it wasn't the whole head thing. Why is it everyone pats me on the head or ruffles my hair?"

"I suspect it has to do with that strange garment you wear that makes you appear to have horns."

Orion thought about that. "Oh. You may be right, Kent."

One of the hardest things he'd had to adjust to after becoming human was not having horns. He was pretty used to them, so he had some hats and that hoodie that made it look like they were still there. That helped.

"You did all this with her apartment already?" Ayeka asked. "I thought they did not want to release her, and Kokoa just said things weren't decided."

"Ikkyu and Sawa had a run-in with the landlord when they went to get Kokoa's clothes, so I felt it best to explain the situation and offer a solution."

"And when I said things weren't decided, I didn't mean…" Kokoa took a breath and looked at Kent. "I don't know that I will go back to my apartment even if things don't work out, but… Kent is the only thing that feels like home now. I want to be where he is."

That time, Orion saw Kent blush.

"Are you comfortable?"

Kokoa looked up at him with a smile, and Kent felt a little unsettled. He did not wish to believe that she would go through some kind of pretense with him now, but he did still worry that all of this was too soon. She could not put aside all of her past that easily, and she still needed time to mourn what she'd only now remembered. She was not ready to go forward.

"I am, Kent, thank you for everything," she said, still smiling. "Not just the promise at the hospital or finding a place for Orion or even the sublease idea. It's all so kind of you."

"I did not do it to be kind."

She laughed. "I know. You were being practical and logical, and people don't think that can be kind, but it is. And even if it was… well, if you did it out of love, that's kind, too."

He could not think of a proper response to that, so he said nothing.

"Only now I'm a bit worried that I chased you out of your bed, and that's not really okay," she said. "I know Orion has the spare room, and he was so excited about being able to decorate it. Your parents seem amused by him, too, but they really made his day. Still… that room is the spare room, and this one I can tell is yours, so… where are you sleeping? Don't say the couch. Please."

He did not have a convenient lie, and she likely would not have believed it. "That was my intention."

"Kent. That's not right. You can't… you made space for us, but I can't accept it knowing that. I'm sure Orion will say the same thing. He wouldn't want to put you out of a room."

"I do not use this room much. It does not bother me. Having you here is more important."

She blinked, and it looked like she might cry. Kent frowned. That was far from his intention. She wiped at her cheek. "Oh, I really don't deserve you."

"Kokoa—"

"I still can't force you out of your room. Please. I… is it too much to share this bed? We… sort of have done that before, and it… it was nice."

He stared at her. "I… No. That's not a good idea."

"Why not? It was fine when we were friends, but not when we're taking steps towards dating?"

"Well… yes." Kent grimaced. "And no. It was… when we slept in the same space before, it was mostly an accident. It was done to make you feel safe, staying there as you fell asleep or even holding onto you. And… that was intimate, in a way, but it was not… I was still refusing to accept what I felt, and you didn't know what I felt… and you don't know what you feel now… and it is not a good idea to confuse things with too much physical proximity."

"You are such a gentleman."

"It's not even that. It… Certain touches inspire chemical reactions in the brain that can be mistaken for what they're not. Lust is often confused with love. Physical attraction can have emotional components, but it can also… 'create' them, making people believe that what they feel is more than what it is."

"That's not what this is."

Kent blinked. That assertion was not verifiable. "Kokoa—"

"Which is not to say you're not handsome," she said, flushing. "I… it's just… I am attracted to you, but that's not why I want you to be able to have your room. And it's not gratitude talking, either."

"Perhaps not, but it would be best for your recovery if you were not sharing a bed."

"Are you sure about that?"

"What?"

"Well, they said not to move around too much, and I kind of do when I'm sleeping, so… if the space was smaller, that's better, right? Having you next to me would keep me still for longer."

He stared at her. "That is a… logical, yet devious, theory."

She laughed again. "Please just stay, Kent. I'd feel better about it… I'd be too guilty over forcing you to the other room. I should take the couch—"

"No."

"Then just stay here."

"You don't have to carry me again," Kokoa said, blushing as Kent came around the car again. She could walk. Even if the doctors said not to do too much moving around because of her stitches, she could still walk, and while she did love being in Kent's arms—she was still a bit mad at Orion for saying that, though—she didn't want to do that here. This was work.

And Kent looked tired already, so she didn't want him to push too much. That was her fault again. She'd tried to do the right thing by giving him back his bed, but he was so tense she doubted he got much sleep.

"We're just walking with you to make sure you make it to your classroom okay," Orion said, and Kent nodded. He seemed to hesitate and then put his hand on her back as they walked.

She felt a little weak, but that was because he was touching her, not because of the accident. Kent had a point about physical contact. The more she got with him, the more she craved it, especially since she could cling to him and use him to shut out all her own negative thoughts. She listened to his heartbeat until it was all she heard or she inhaled his scent and tried to puzzle all of it out. He did so much for her without doing anything.

Maybe this wasn't love yet, but it could be. She wasn't going to run this time. She didn't know that she had with Toma or Shin or anyone else, not in the same way, but she'd known she didn't feel enough. She'd tried to make it more, but it wasn't. That part of her heart that was Ukyo's and her guilt held her back.

She couldn't bring Ukyo back, and she couldn't make up for what happened the way she'd unconsciously been doing it. Maybe teaching wasn't enough, but she could start there and do more. Maybe doing right by one person was where she started, and that person… it was Kent.

"Here we are," Kent said, and Orion dashed ahead of her to open the door for her. Half the class was already there, and she could feel the anxiety coming off of them. Some of them had been there when Naiken attacked her. Others when she stepped into the street. Kent helped her sit. "Are you sure you want to do this today?"

"I'm fine, and we're going to watch a movie and do a reading assignment. I won't move around much. Promise."

"Okay," Orion said. "I kind of wish I could stay, just in case, but I have other classes… I don't really regret majoring in literature—I'm leaning towards being a writer because I could tell a thousand stories after all the worlds I know—but it does mean I can't stay now."

"Regretfully, I have my own courses to teach and cannot remain to watch over you, either."

"Not right now, though, right?" Suki asked, and when they looked at her, she seemed to want to disappear into her chair as her friend Lin giggled next to her. "It's just… you gave us a guest lecture before, so you have to have a free period now or you couldn't have done that before."

Orion grinned. "That's great. Thank you so much."

Suki flushed red as Lin whispered in her ear, and then she elbowed her friend hard. "Shut up."

"But you do think he's cute, too, right?"

Orion frowned. "Me?"

Kokoa tried not to giggle. He was adorable, actually.

"Her supposition is correct. You should go to your own class, Orion. We will meet you later depending on if Kokoa is up to finishing her classes today. I do not think it wise, but she is stubborn."

Kokoa flushed herself. "Hey."

"Okay, see you later," Orion said, and he gave Suki a wave that had her just about crawling under her seat as Lin moaned about her friend getting all the guys.

"If you set up the projector, we can start," Kokoa said to Kent, and he nodded. She watched him do it with ease compared to her, since she could barely pull down the screen for it, and he didn't have any trouble getting her computer to connect to the projector, either. "Okay, pick the one on learned behavior patterns—that one. Thank you."

Kent gave her a slight smile, and she patted the chair next to her desk. She used it to stand on when she was getting down the screen, but it would be fine for Kent to use.

He eyed it and frowned, but sat anyway, making her smile as he did.

"If you get really bored, you can help me grade papers," she said, eying the stack that had built up while she was preoccupied by her ex-husband and then in the hospital.

"That would be unwise. I know very little about emotions."

"You know more than you think, and that's not all psychology is." Kokoa said, but he still didn't touch the papers. "I'm terrible at math, but I'd still help you grade yours."

"That is different. These answers will be subjective."

She grimaced. "Some of them, maybe, but I still think—"

"If you were grading my papers, you'd have an answer key. There'd be no confusion over the matter, even if the subject is not your strong point."

"An answer key?"

"Yes."

She couldn't help it. She laughed. "Oh, Kent, you're adorable."

"That statement was not at all humorous or adorable."

And that just made her want to kiss him more.

She didn't deserve this happiness, she knew that, but she swore she'd do everything she could to keep it, to be worthy of it.