We nearly made it with the 200 reviews. Just two short. But hopefully I'll get them for this one. Please? And thanks to milady dragon, Tacroy, NikkieSheepie, specialfrancine, L.A.H.H., Marian Locksley, Fangirl Moment xD, thedeejay, gernumblies and Sunshine for reviewing! Torchwood and Hitch-Hikers seem to go well together, judging from almost all of your reviews. I still reckon the radio series is better that the books though.

This isn't exactly what was requested, but the request sparked off an idea which I thought was a lot more interesting than a simple discussion and which was just too good to pass up…

Impending language warning for Owen…

Guilty as Charged

"He's had me on decaff for a week!" yelled an outraged Owen. "And do you know what he's done now? Your precious little teaboy has moved all my instruments, and thrown away that pizza I was saving for later!"

"I was tidying up."

"It was deliberate! And you've been putting god-knows-what in my food all week! Don't think I haven't been noticing!"

"And what do you want me to do, Owen?" Jack intervened.

"First of all you can bloody listen to me, and then you can lock Ianto in a cell with Janet for a week!"

"I demand the right to a fair trial."

"Sorry, Ianto?"

"Trial by jury, sir. It's only fair. I protest my innocence."

"Don't listen to the arrogant little shit! You know he's been doing it! Just –"

"Owen."

"Jack?"

"Shut up. And I like the trial idea. Sounds fun."

Owen scowled as Jack yelled over to Gwen and Tosh, who had been patiently doing their best to ignore the warring trio. "Tosh! Gwen! How do you hold a trial?"

"Do I look like a criminal to you, Jack?"

"I hate to point this out to you, Gwen, but yesterday you did break into one of Cardiff's main banks and threaten the manager with a gun." Ianto told her calmly.

"Yeah, but only 'cos Jack ordered me to."

Tosh took over. "For a trial you need a jury and we haven't got one."

"I'll be the judge and the jury." Jack declared. "What else do we need?"

"Err…" Owen began to protest, feeling sure that this wasn't how it was supposed to work.

"A defence advocate and a prosecutor." Ianto explained. "And an accuser and the accused. That's me and Owen."

"You been in the courts system before?" Owen asked sarcastically. Ianto ignored him.

"Right: Tosh prosecution, Gwen defence."

"Ok." Tosh replied, frowning. "So I'm with Owen, right?"

"Uh huh. Now go and gather evidence and whatever else it is you do." Jack racked his brains to try and remember what the Twenty-first century court system was like. "Speeches, that sort of thing."

"We'll win this easy, Tosh." Owen grinned horribly at Ianto. "You haven't got a chance, mate."

Gwen and Ianto gave him a joint secretive smile and Ianto started whispering something in her ear.

"Well, come on then." Tosh said, grabbing his arm.

"My client Mr Harper – sorry, sorry – My client Dr Harper would like to accuse Mr Jones of… Look, Jack, please can you take that wig off?"

"That's a wig?" Owen joked. "I thought it was a dead poodle."

Jack looked hurt. "All your judges wear wigs. And carry little hammers. I don't know why, but…"

"The hammer's for hitting people who make disparaging comments about their wigs with." Ianto explained.

"Like Owen did?"

"Yep!"

"He's lying!"

"Jack, it's not for hitting people with!" Gwen interrupted. "And the wig is not necessary! It's just…"

"Distracting." Tosh completed.

"Alright, alright." Jack removed the offending garment. "Now get on with it before this becomes a dictatorship again."

"Alright." Tosh began again. "And just a quick note to say that I don't know much anything about this at all… Ok. My client Dr Harper wishes to accuse Mr Jones of various offences against him, including tampering with his food, drink and personal work equipment."

"How do you plead, Mr Jones?" Jack asked, pleased that he knew how this bit went.

"Not guilty, your Honour."

"Err… now what?"

"The prosecution, Jack." Ianto prompted again.

"Alright. Back to you, Tosh."

"Well, me and my client have collected a lot of evidence to prove our case. For a start –" Tosh stood up and walked over to the screen. "We have this video clip from the CCTV footage of the autopsy bay at 7.31 am this morning, showing the accused rearranging the accuser's medical equipment."

The others watched in silence.

"And then we have this CCTV clip… and this one… and this one… to show the accused tampering with the accuser's personal beverages… Would you like to see the other nine CCTV clips, Jack?"

"No, I think that will do. Any more evidence?"

"This half-eaten pizza, covered with a delightful layer of blue mould - oh, sorry, my client says it's a 'specialist topping' - anyway, we found it in the bin. And we have a witness for the offences concerning the coffee and the take-away food."

"Would that witness be Owen, by any chance?"

"Yes."

"Alright, we won't bother hearing him. I'm pretty certain we all know what he's going to say. Defence!"

"Your meant to ask my if I've changed my statement yet, sir."

"Have you changed your statement, Mr Jones?"

"No."

"Well, that was a waste of bloody time, wasn't it?"

"Thank you, Owen. Go on, Gwen."

"My, um, client, Mr Jones wishes to protest against the accuser's, err, accusations. He says that he was merely cleaning up the mess that the accuser is accustomed to leave behind and had no intention of rearranging anything maliciously. He also argues that he can't possibly have disrupted the accuser's filing system for his medical implements because there clearly wasn't one, and wishes to point out that leaving scalpels on the floor and decomposing pizzas in cupboards is a serious health and safety issue."

"Protest." Owen raised his hand.

"Yes, Owen?"

"How do they explain away the food and the coffee?"

"I think Tosh is meant to say that bit." Ianto corrected him.

"So what? It still stands."

Gwen and Ianto looked at each other, and Ianto whispered something hurriedly in Gwen's ear.

"We can't." she said, answering Owen's question, and ignoring his triumphant expression. "And my client wishes to claim guilt, but with diminished responsibility."

"Eh?"

"I wasn't fully responsible."

"Gwen - explain."

"Mr Jones was affected by Dr Harper's recent severe psychological attack on him, which drove him to seek revenge."

"What recent psychological attack?" Tosh demanded, knowing full well what.

"My client refers to the recent incident in which Dr Harper played a subtly-altered audio tape of a particular scene from 'The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy' over the Hub's announcement system, causing the accused to assume that the Earth was under threat of imminent destruction. Hey, I'm getting good at this, aren't I?"

"Very." Ianto said dryly.

"And I'd also like to call up a witness to show how this episode affected others and drove them to similar actions."

"Who?"

"Toshiko Sato."

"Me?"

"Yeah. Tell them."

"Alright, alright, I helped Ianto. Just a little bit. And Gwen did too. And it was because of the… extermely annoying deception commited by my client."

"Looks like the table have turned on you, Owen!" Jack said cheerfully. "The jury pronounces Ianto guilty but with diminished whatever. So I'm letting him off. As for you, Owen…"

"Hey, that's not fair! You can't just turn on me! You're biased towards them because, because…"

"Because?" Gwen asked, amused.

"Because they're Welsh and they're a minority so you have to be nice to them!"

"Um… what?"

"You know! Like they're more likely to let Black people off otherwise the jury get accused of racism!"

"Owen, I can think of a dozen reasons why Jack would be lenient to Ianto and not to you." Gwen pointed out. "Most have very little to do with the fact that he's Welsh and more to do with the fact that you're the person in the wrong."

"Can you sentence the accuser?" Jack asked.

"No. Not in the same trial, as far as I know."

"I'm changing the rules then. Owen, I pronounce you guilty of deliberately trying to give us all a nervous-breakdown and faking an alien invasion, and I sentence you to… what was his original suggestion, anyone?"

"I think it was something to do with the cells, wasn't it?" Ianto replied, grinning evilly.

I hope that went ok. As you may have guessed, I'm a bit hazy with the justice system. I had to ask my parents about it all, and then reassure them that I wasn't in trouble with the police.

I'm trying to fit in psychology revision now, particularly how to structure experiment write-ups. So can anyone come up with some psychological experiments Owen could secretly carry out on the others? Please?