A/N - This had been part of chapter 20 but I felt this could actually be a whole chapter by itself what with being quite long. So you get two this week for the price of one! There's angst in this again, I love a bit of the old angst as you know by now - sorry! However I think its a follow on from some of Hawkes feelings earlier on in the story, but it all comes to a head in this one. At times Anders really annoys me, but I can certainly say I really feel for him in this one. If only I wasn't such a Hawke/Fenris fangirl he may have had a chance. I might have something up my sleeve for him, but depends on my muse :)
Sweeping hurriedly into the dining room, after a quick wash, she had tried to splash herself with cool water to reduce the flushes in her face but she was still quite red.
Natalia notices the lack of brother and houseguest, flushing a little more at the goings on of last night she sits in the seat Fenris offers her.
Her eyes widen when they notice the rolls that are plated up, the glistening milk and dark chocolate calling out to her, and she can't help herself but dives on one of them like she's a starved madwoman, grabbing and ripping the soft sweet bread apart, stuffing a piece of it in her mouth, closing her eyes and groaning as the sharp citrus tang clashes with the sweet chocolate that melts in her mouth.
"Talia, take it slowly or you will make yourself sick." Despite the caution in his words she opens her eyes to see him smiling at her, pleased that she's showing a more wholesome appetite again.
Perhaps their lovemaking had given her energy as she is positively sparkling this morning, he thinks to himself, smirking as he knows what she'd been up to before she left the room, her bright eyes betraying the arousal she still felt, he squirmed in his chair at even the thought of what he'd seen in that book.
Just then the door opens and in races Blaze, the smell of fresh food making him drool and run around in circles, with Sandal merrily following at his heels, playfully running after him and barking too. A small chuckle comes from Bodhan as he also makes his way into the room.
"Good morning! I hope you are in the mood for plenty of breakfast?" Natalia welcomes the three into the room, picking up a plain bun and setting it on a plate, solemnly giving it to Sandal who shouts "Doggy food!" and puts it on the floor.
Blaze wolfs it down in one swallow and somehow at the same time also manages to lick Sandals face who giggles in delight. The three adults smile at the pairs antics. Who knew they would have formed such a close bond. Mabari's were first and foremost a war hound, but that didn't stop them becoming a beloved and valued member of the family.
The older dwarf , stepping past the two, seats himself at the table and using a small knife splits two rolls, one for him and the other for his son, and butters them liberally. He turns and speaks clearly to his son who at that moment is rolling on his back, copying the dog. "Sandal, come get your breakfast now, please."
With that he jumps up excitedly and climbs up onto his seat, and with both hands pulls one part of roll into smaller pieces, the warmth of his hands melting the chocolate quickly, he picks up his mug of juice and eats his fill, loudly licking his fingers clean with a "Mmmm!"
Wiping his mouth, Bodahn clears his throat and mentions "Messere Hawke, I just want to tell you my boy has made up the rune for you, to protect you and the baby. The one that Master Anders had suggested, he couldn't make it until after you got the specially required ingredients for him. Thank you for that, we wouldn't have been able to get them on our own...who would have thought there was such a thing as fade touched stones or even metals?" He shakes his head in wonder.
"Anyways, the thing is, he's gone and made two, not just the one - I did ask him why but he said wait and see. Ah, maybe ones is for your robes and the other for your staff - "
He's cut off by Sandals excited cry "Bird lady good, I like her, and pies! No, not one baby bird, but two, made up two shiny shiny for them both, don't want any of them to hurt!"
At the boys words, both Fenris and Natalia look to him in open shock, clearly realising what he meant by that comment, it doesn't take too long for them to process that bit of information.
She finds her voice first, its small and hesitant. "But...surely if there were two Anders would have known?"
Putting the unfinished food back on her plate, finding her appetite had vanished, she wipes her hands on a napkin and gratefully accepts the water glass that Fenris presses into her hand.
As soon as the young lad had mentioned anything about their being more than one baby, he had gotten up and knelt by Natalia's side.
Not sure of what to do, never having been in this situation before, he gently turns Talia's head with his fingers so he can meet her eyes and trying not to raise his voices mutters "Are you sure the mage hasn't been wrong with this, I know that Sandal is gifted beyond anything we have encountered, and perhaps he knows more that we do about these things? Twins do run in your family."
His fingers graze her cheek and nodding in agreement confirms. "Yes that they do. How about getting Anders in here to check once and for all? Not that I mind in any way if there were two children, but all I know is that mother had a difficult time with them. I'm sure that everything's going to be okay, but two babies can make things a little bit harder for the birth."
She covers his hand with hers and squeezes "Well this is going to be fun, lets finish eating and we'll send a messenger or something, unless...do you want to get him, the sooner we find out the better eh?" He can feel the tremor in her hands, despite the brave words, he too feels that the rug has been pulled out from under him, but they have gotten to this stage of their lives and her pregnancy and he will not allow doubt or fear to control them.
He kisses her softly and with a growl "You are healthy and strong, if there are two of my children growing in here" - he splays both hands possessively over her belly - "then I am beyond happy at the prospect."
Swallowing he continues, trying to convey his sincerity. "I know you miss your mother dreadfully, how could you not, you loved her dearly and are scared of what could happen without her guidance and experience. Over these last few weeks, you have been very happy I can see that, but there have been times when even you could not hide this sorrow from me."
Wiping away a tear that has fallen with his thumb, he goes on. "You have been troubled about this, but you must let this fear go, before it does any lasting damage. I am so very sorry she cannot be here for you...please understand that I will do everything within my power and beyond to keep you safe, and what you also do not realise is that each and everyone of your friends will be there for you too. Why do you think they have not left you alone?"
His hands remain where they are throughout, and not lifting her eyes from his, she feels the fear ebb away slowly. The strength of his unconditional love pouring from him fills her up so completely that soon there is no room for fear left, but she smothers a sob and rushes to embrace him, falling from her chair into his arms, but as always, he is there to catch her and they both kneel on the floor as the wall she'd carefully crafted not so secretly, tumbles down.
Fenris can do nothing but comfort her, the two dwarves and the dog quietly leave them to give them a bit of privacy, as she finally gives into the fear and sorrow he knows she has tried to hide since finding out she was pregnant, stroking her hair it isn't long before her sobs soon end and she hiccups.
In between the sobs they hear a door open and soon after hear "What in the bloody fade is going on here?" Carver steadily makes his way warily over to them, but Natalia lifts her head, her eyes red and cheeks tear stained, looking up at him, she just manages to croak out "I might be having twins!" That sets her off again and this time Fenris believes its not so much the sorrow or fear as before but more than likely hormones raging through her, but does not stop doing his best to comfort her.
"Oh, why are you crying then? Do you want me to leave?" He sits in a now vacant seat before either of them can reply and helps himself to two of the cooling rolls, and a glass of the still chilled juice. He quickly swallows his mouthful and gestures towards them with a partially bitten roll in hand. "I probably am going to regret asking again, but why is she crying like that?"
Fenris lifts his head and with grunt replies. "'Talia misses your mother and had not come to terms with the truth until now, that she will not be here when the baby arrives. If it is twins there could be...a difficult birth...but I think its the fact that if your mother were still here she would not be as scared - but I think we are going to be okay. Are we not?"
Sniffling she raises her head from his shoulder looks to them both and whispers "Yes, I think we are..." Seeing the resolve flash in his eyes she tries again. "Yes, we are going to be okay." Her voice much stronger this time, he lovingly smiles at her - yes, there's the Hawke he knows and loves.
Releasing her tight grip on him she tries to stand but he gets up before her and picks her up, taking her into his arms, she doesn't struggle but he doesn't put her down, even at her firm request.
"You have possibly had a shock so therefore until Anders gets here you will be resting, and you will try not to worry until this is confirmed?" Softening his orders with a kiss she sighs and agrees and after he settles her fully in his arms, takes her to their room.
Carver blinks and scratches his head with his free hand, trying to process all that went on in the last few minutes, the shared sorrow at missing their mother, the fear he could see shadowing his sisters eyes, acceptance that even without him being there, he knows now that she will be looked after very well if they had to go back to headquarters.
Seriously, these past weeks, he's found out the love of his life actually loves him back, he's had the best sex - well, the best sex he's ever had in his whole life, crammed into the past couple of days. He might possibly be an uncle to twins in a few months time, if not he's still going to be an uncle, and at last his sister has found her match in every way.
The more he thought about it, he saw how funny it was, seeing his sister meekly agree to something like that after kicking up a fuss, usually she is a bloody stubborn woman, and he suddenly breaks into an uncontrolled laugh.
Alexia walks in on him in tears trying to eat his way through the rest of the huge pile of rolls. Slapping his hand down, she sits on his lap and starts to eat her share, knowing he will eventually tell her why he's in a room, alone, eating and laughing so much he's actually crying.
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As Anders hurriedly packs his medicine bag, at the same time he wondered if it were only the messages or visits concerning Hawke which caused worry to churn in his gut or if it was every urgent call out. Not that this was urgent but it involved her, so of course he found himself rushing around like an idiot.
Forcing himself to slow down, he stops the mad pace, and runs a hand over his face, re-reading the short terse note clutched in his hand:
"Mage, Talia needs you, please come soon. Fenris."
The elf usually never said please to him generally, so he guessed it there was a little desperation in that plea, but deep in his core he knew the agitation was for what he still felt for her.
Yes his heart still ached, especially when he saw the looks she gave that blasted elf, but he hadn't wanted that jealousy to turn into something like hate, or colour his view of love or relationships so he was trying to accept it for what it was.
It was just that simple, he'd lost and Fenris had won. Not that Natalia was some prize to be fought over, but the months that followed after she had refused his advances, not having moved one to anyone else, and hearing of their reconciliation, he knew that whatever she had felt for him was nothing more than friendship.
Knowing that though and accepting it were two different things entirely.
Months ago, he had often wondered what it would feel like, being with her, having that all consuming love directed his way, the bliss he would have found in her arms. There had been nights he was so full of want, and had taken himself in hand, but afterwards he'd felt grubby and slightly ashamed, she deserved more, but he realised he did too.
He'd even thought about visiting the Blooming Rose, but sleeping with any of those girls was not what he really wanted, there would be no loved involved in any of their cheap transactions, but he knew he needed to move on, eventually.
Until one morning, glancing in the mottled cracked mirror hanging above the small sink by his bed, he shouted out loud in the dusky silence "Enough!" In that moment he had heard a soft voice at the back of his skull agree.
It was getting easier to live with a shattered and bruised heart, and as he loved Natalia, he only wanted her to be happy, and she was. A small part of him was deeply wounded he couldn't be the man to make her feel like that, but the other part was truly happy for her so he grabbed onto that feeling with both hands.
Seeing her so full of joy made him feel a little better instead there sat a new, different kind of friendship for them both. It wasn't like before, but as he'd said to her, he would be here as a friend and he would stay true to his word.
Besides, who would want a man who had willingly taken a spirit into his body anyway, apart from Izzie who had propositioned him several times, but only if he used magic. One of these days he might even take her up on it, but not yet.
Although he wouldn't admit to anyone him himself, he was starting to become afraid of his black-outs and what that had to mean. Justice was becoming more and more active. He couldn't sleep half the time with worry, but it wasn't as if he could undo it all, he'd spent weeks researching but to no avail.
If it wasn't for that bitch Meredith, he'd be able to still feel more like himself, to control the spirit within him, but she kept tightening the noose she had around the city, especially concerning mages and he felt so damned helpless.
He tightens his hold on the handle of his bag and closing and locking both doors to his clinic, he adjusts the small painted "Out on a call" sign on the door so it sat straighter and set off to the Hawke estate, using the still unknown cellar passage to cut considerable time off the journey.
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As soon as he arrives in the kitchen, he was shown by Orana to their room, and found her sitting up in bed, looking a little pale but otherwise healthy, with Fenris sitting next to her, clasping her hand.
He expected the angry glare from the elf, that was a given, but blinked at the scared look he got from her. So he moved quickly to her free side and gently asked "I got that note, not really helpful to be honest..." Sighing he starts again, meeting her blue red-rimmed eyes, he softens his tone as he notices she's been crying for some reason. "Sorry, is it you're arm, is it bleeding? I had thought it had fully healed - you aren't doing too much are you, I did only take the stitches out two weeks ago.." Stopping at the shake of her head he looks at them both with confusion.
"Ah, then I don't get it, you're not in pain, the baby's okay?" At their nod he still has no idea why he's been called out.
Fenris coughs and before he can say anything Natalia blurts out in a rush "Something happened with Sandal, you see, he made two runes instead of one, and you need to check if there's two not one..." She blushes because, as usual whenever she gets anxious she just lets slip whats in her mind, not stopping to take a breath. She opens her mouth to try again, but stops when Fenris brushes his thumb over her knuckles.
"Um, what Natalia is trying to ask, is that we have reason to believe she could be carrying twins, so we need you to check if that could be possible. Please?" He gives a half smile, which clearly doesn't reach his eyes, not that he cared, but he wasn't able to bring himself to smile fully, in part due to the slight anger he holds for the mage - how could he not detect two lives - he is supposed to be a healer after all, and the other due to worry for the stress this is causing her.
Blowing out a pent up breath Anders exclaims "Makers breath, I never even considered...I know I haven't had cause to check on the baby for a while now, but the babies heart was strong and developing nicely. Talia is due for another appointment in a short while anyway."
A fresh wave of dismay rushes over him, the bare fact that he could have missed something. "I'm sorry - there wasn't anything wrong with the baby, so I wasn't panicked about it - my main worry over these weeks was your shoulder, and trying to get some nutrition into you." His eyes are full of apology.
Hawke sniffs and with a quiet "Anders, its okay, really it is!" She reaches for his hand and pats it gently.
Smiling in that way she had, the one that lets you know it is okay, he smiles half-heartedly back as she continues. "You know me, you have to by now - its just these bloody hormones are making me so teary! I cried the other day when someone gave me a flower - a flower, not even a bunch, but one single flower - and I cried like a baby, snot and tears and everything! I'm not normally like this - if I am its only because this has come as a bit of a shock, so lets get this confirmed, and please it isn't your fault at all. You've been the best healer, more than I could have ever asked for."
This gears him into action and he places his bag on the side of the bed and without wasting more time he moves his hand to sit directly on her stomach, for a more intense result he gently places his other hand further along her abdomen.
The small blue flare sparks to life as he pulls his mana from the ever present well inside him, he is quiet and still, trying to detect the life force.
He had once tried to explain what he sees to a non-mage when he tries to detect a life force, it really is a wonder to behold as it makes him feel part of something bigger than himself each and every time he does it.
When he enters this sort of state - which is the only way he can describe it - he feels as if he comes out of himself in a way, he can see others but without leaving his physical body, the individual sort of becomes see through, but he can see their pain and physical trauma. Hawke had told him once, that's why she didn't make a good healer as she was afraid of the way it made her feel. Give her a good fire ball and she was quite happy.
He looks to his side and in his minds eye he sees the veins inside Fenris's body, sees the shiny metallic blue lyrium within his arteries, pulsing and ever present and the dazzling blue glow of his life force at the centre, where his heart lay. He frowns as he almost misses a small fissure of bright bright yellow pulsating in amongst it - at that moment Justice jerks awake with interest - but he forces him back with a bark of "Not now, I'm trying to help Hawke!" and relaxes when he feels him recede back into the recesses of his mind.
He still feels the steady but fast pulse of Fenris whose sitting next to her, as usual is in good health, but he moves his concentration to Natalia, and without fail is in awe of the heart and soul that beats in front of him.
After healing so many people he gets used to the way their bodies are made, and the life that is bound to that body. Each and every person has a different colour, some very similar but always something different.
Its as if all the little moments of a persons life has altered their soul, when he had been forced into healing men who had caused so much harm, he had automatically shrank away from them. He didn't know where the term black heart came from, but people like that had black tendrils choking their soul which eclipsed any of the light that may have shone before.
With the tranquil, their colours are always muted, as if their life has been stifled somehow, he cannot bring himself to treat them unless absolutely necessary.
After healing Natalia when she was so close to death, he could not come close to describing how the life force of the woman he loved felt as he healed her body so that her soul wasn't lost. There were times that despite his intervention, the soul broke free of the body, but that had not been Hawkes time, her will to live had been strong, and her soul burned bright still, the familiar luminous yellow glow of her easing his aching heart.
Looking closely he too notices a small nodule like Fenris's, but this time it was a flickering bright blue. He gasps and immediately knows the cause of the anomalies.
He'd seen it before. At times, the love two people had for each other bled into their partners soul so their colours entwined like an artist's palette, they were known as true soul mates.
Never noticing it before with these two, or perhaps he hadn't looked hard enough, his own jealously preventing him from seeing what was now very evident, he had to admit it was a beautiful sight.
He sighs, but at last he feels his own soul stir and knew now that he could let her go. He smiles at this, not feeling any regret and looks down towards Natalia's belly.
Yes, as sure as the sun shines in the sky, there in her womb lay two tiny lives, both hearts beating strong and sure, the radiant green blue of both their souls made him smile, it was evident that they were happy and healthy, he could tell straight away what sex they were, but wouldn't be telling anyone soon, not if he wanted to be present at the birth.
With another sigh, he concentrates and pulls himself back and slowly sends his mana back into his core.
Opening his eyes he's back in the real world and with both pairs of eyes boring into him, he smiles a genuine smile, actual tears in his eyes. "Oh my - Hawke, Fenris. You were right, it is twins, and they are both healthy and robust little things, congratulations to you both. Sorry that I didn't find them before, but they're the same colour and were so very small that they were indistinguishable from one another.
Natalia frowns at Anders, noticing he's changed but his smile and confirmation are genuine enough so it can only be for the better, she cannot help but smile and sit back against the bed, Fenris's hand in hers, the fear forgotten with this new development filling her full of joy.
As the mage leaves, Fenris voices his thanks at his retreating back, and settles besides her, pulling her close, absorbing the news in this quiet moment.