Chapter 19: Dark, Foul, Evil Sorcery of Chaos and Destruction!
"Wait, wait, wait. You want me to make you… MORE insane?" The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction asked Kaiba doubtfully. The two were aboard his blimp, in the blimp War Room (By now, you probably should have guessed that every structure Kaiba owned had a war room).
"No, not at all. I just want you to give me an extra mind in my brain."
"Most people would call that insane, buddy."
"No, I thought about it for a long time. Yugi is a gangly little twerp. What makes him cool? Extra mind. Bakura is a prissy, whiny little wuss. What makes him evil? Extra mind. What I need is for you to give me a mind that is both cool AND super-evil, making me instantly better than both of them."
"Well, okay, if you say so… still sounds a little crazy to me."
"Well, we clearly have very different ideas of crazy." Kaiba said sagely. "Dammit Inner Yugi! If you don't shut the Hell up, I will stab myself in the brain with a fork, I swear it!" he suddenly screamed to nobody in particular.
"… yeah, I can see how we'd have different 'perspectives' on insanity…" The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction said slowly. "Well, I'll get started. To craft such ancient, powerful magicks as those you seeks shall take many nights, and many valuable and rare components and tomes of mystical power. It shall culminate on a blood ritual to capture the power of the next full moon."
"Ya got five minutes."
"… huh?"
"I need this new personality before the finals start, and I'm going to start them in five minutes. You better hurry."
"… um… I don't think you really understand how this stuff works…"
"Do it or I'll shoot you."
"OKAY! Let's get a quickie spell going!" The Sorceress said brightly.
"That's what I thought. Oh, and by the by, I'll want my personality attached to a convenient item too, m'kay?"
"… you want me to make you a Millennium Item? Do I LOOK like an ancient pharaoh with the power of the Gods at his beck and call?"
"Oh, you don't have to worry about that." Kaiba chuckled. "The item in question has already been MADE! Behold, my Millennium Checkbook!" he proclaimed, holding up a checkbook that had been spray-painted gold. An eye made of tinfoil had been attached to the point, apparently with duct tape. It too was covered in gold spray paint.
"… … yeah, we definitely have different standards for 'crazy'." The Sorceress said.
"I know I mentioned the 'shoot you' part of the arrangement…"
"All right, I'm working!"
"I wonder what they're doing in there?" Malik asked, as the assembled group waited outside the War Room for Kaiba to come out and announce the order of matches.
"Well, I'm no expert…" Tristan said.
"That's implied by the fact that you're, well, you. You can't be an expert without a working brain." Evil Bakura informed him.
"… but I bet cheese is involved."
"… … … … honestly, how do you get yourself dressed in the morning?"
Meanwhile, in the War Room…
"Mmmm, this cheese is delicious!" Kaiba said. "Hey, wait, we're supposed to be doing dark magic, not eating cheeses! GET BACK TO WORK!"
Back Outside…
"Maybe they're watching cartoons?"
"No Tristan, they're not watching cartoons. Now why don't you do us all a favor and choke on your own tongue?" Yami said.
"That wasn't me!" Tristan protested.
"I said that, Yugi-boy! I know that when I pick up an evil wizard in my blimp, we always watch cartoons!" Pegasus chimed in.
"You've picked up evil wizards in your blimp?" Odion asked him.
"Well… not really…"
"You don't have a blimp at all, do you?" Odion asked him.
"… … … … no. I sometimes like to pretend I do."
Odion patted Malik on the back. "Good news, sir. You're not the worst villain the show has ever seen."
"Excellent, Odion, I knew I couldn't be on the bottom… I mean 'What do you mean, guy who I've never met? I'm not a villain, I'm just kindhearted Namu!'" Malik said, giving Odion a conspiratorial wink with his uncovered eye.
"On the other hand, maybe I should reserve judgment on that subject." Odion said mournfully.
Evil Bakura leaned back against the wall with a satisfied smirk. "Winner, and still champion, of the 'Greatest Villain' award."
Inside the Millennium Rod, Yami Malik thought ((When I get out of here, I am going to kill every last one of you. 'Greatest Villain', my ass. Who here skinned their father alive? ME! Oh, yeah, I'm the man.))
Just then, the door open, and Kaiba emerged… sort of. He was wearing a bright pink coat, his face had clearly received a liberal amount of makeup, and he had a brilliant smile on his face. "Ohhhh, the HILLS are aliiiiiiive, with the sound of muuuuusiiiic LAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" he sang, doing a pirouette. "Oh, my friends, it shall soon be time for us to play fun games, and sing wonderful songs. Just as soon as I redecorate this dreary airship! My airship must be a brilliant place of music and flowers, filled with wondrous carven images of unicorns and fairies. Ah, it shall be glorious!" Kaiba gushed.
You could have cut the silence with a knife.
"Oh. My. God." Yami said softly. He walked up to Kaiba, put a hand on Kaiba's shoulder to brace himself, and then punched Seto in the face as hard as he could.
"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" Yami roared. "YOU CAN'T JUST DO THIS CRAP, YOU MORON! IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, WE DON'T HAVE A WHOLE LOTTA VILLAINS GOING HERE! YOU CAN'T JUST TURN INTO A #$(&#$($#(!$)&(#&($#(#!$(&# PANSY ON ME, NOW GO BACK TO EVIL OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH MY FREAKIN' PUZZLE!"
"H-huh? What's going… where am I?" Kaiba asked. Then his eyes filled with rage. "Thank you, Yugi. I need to go have words with someone." He walked back into the War Room and closed the door. "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? I WANTED AN EVIL COOL PERSONALITY, NOT AN INTERIOR DECORATOR! MAKE ME A BETTER EXTRA MIND!" A flash could be seen under the door, and Kaiba walked back out. This time he had a wild, crazy look in his eyes, and his hair had become significantly longer and spikier.
"Ka-hahahaha… welcome, my friends, to the end of days." He said. "Now that I have arisen, the true shadow game can begin… what, you don't seem to understand? I am the true Malik, drawn out of the Millennium Rod and into this fool's body by that imbecilic witch's miscast spell! Now, I shall spread out through the world and cover all that lives with my infinite darkness, condemning the pathetic mortals of this world to an eternity in Hell! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Malik sighed and held up the Millennium Rod. It glowed a little, and when it stopped Kaiba was back to normal.
((DAMMIT!)) Yami Malik thought.
Kaiba sighed sadly and went back into the War Room.
"You listen to me, and you listen good. I want evil. I want cool. I do not want a reject from 'Queer Eye', and I don't want somebody else's secondhand serial killer." Kaiba said.
"All right, maybe if you try to give me a more thorough description, I can get it closer to what you're looking for."
"Hmmm… my other mind should be diabolical. Evil, yet cool. He should have a fondness for trenchcoats. He should be a clever and ruthless businessman, the sort who would kill his own father to take over the family company. But he also needs to have a soft side, say like a fondness for his sibling. Oh, and of course, an elite duelist."
The Sorceress just stared at him. "Do you listen to yourself when you talk?"
"Huh? What do you mean by that?"
"You just told me to give you a second, magical mind, that's EXACTLY like the one you already have!"
"I don't have any idea what you're talking about."
"YOU JUST DESCRIBED YOURSELF!"
"No, I didn't. I'm tall. He doesn't have to be tall."
"YES HE DOES! HE'S USING YOUR BODY!"
"Oh. Well, okay then. Set me up with another me." Kaiba said.
"But why? What's the point?"
"Well, I'm the best guy in the world, right?"
Silence.
Kaiba got out his gun.
"RIGHT!" The Sorceress said hurriedly.
"But Yugi and Bakura and such are better than me, even though I'm the best, because there's two of them! I'm better than any ONE person. So I figure, if there's two of ME, there would need to be THREE people in one body to be better, and nobody has that."
"… … … … I suppose in your twisted world, that makes sense."
"And my world is the only one that matters." Kaiba agreed. "So, okay, get magicianing. Cook me up some extra me!"
"Sure, okay, why not. Flibbidy flobbidy floo." She said, waving her hands in Kaiba's direction. "There we go, done, you've got a new mind,"
"… really? I don't feel any different."
"Sure you do, you just don't realize it because you… um… you're on a higher plane of thought."
"Okaaaaaay… why can't I hear my other self thinking to me?"
"Well he's you, isn't he? His thoughts sound exactly the same as yours, so you can't tell if he's talking or if you're having an idea."
"Ah! That makes sense. Okay, I'm going off now to conquer my foes with my new alternate self!" Kaiba said, heading back to tournamentville.
The Dark, Foul, Evil Sorceress of Chaos and Destruction™ chuckled and sat down, putting her feet on the war room table. "And people call ME an idiot."
As the group gathered for the tournament drawing, they couldn't help but agree that whatever the D.F.E.S. of C. and A.™ had done to Kaiba, it had least brought him back to normal.
"Ha, ha, ha… oh, you utterly useless dolts have no IDEA what awaits you." He chuckled. "Now, it's time to get my utter domination of you sad, sad little fools on the road. Everyone, you will please note my delightful Blue Eyes Dragon Tournament Order Selector. Any compliments you have may be delivered now."
Misty raised her hand. "It's ugly."
"And sad. Ugly and sad." Tea agreed.
"Couldn't we just draw straws or somethin'?" Joey asked.
"M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-mr. P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-pegasus… can I have your autograph NOW? You, uh, n-never really answered me before…" Duke said, and ran away screaming.
"Go get me some coffee, Lenny-boy." Pegasus said without turning.
"YESSIR!" Duke said, ignoring both the fact that he was being snubbed and that his idol didn't know his name.
"It does seem needlessly complex for just drawing lots." Yugi admitted.
"… I'll allow you your uninformed opinions, given that you are all soon to be crushed by my superior power. Now, the first match shall be a double-duel, to weed out the losers that managed to sneak aboard past the death squads," Kaiba said, motioning to Weevil and Rex.
"Um… could you not insult us when we're right here?" Weevil asked.
"DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK?" Kaiba inquired coldly.
"N-no…"
"Then how about you SHUT YOUR MOUTH, you little virus. I haven't forgotten how you tried to sell me a fake deck not so very long ago, and you're skating on thin ice. You don't want to know how my evil other personality will deal with you!"
"Wait, what?" Yugi asked.
"Nothing. Now, to beat Weevil and Rex…"
"What if we win?" Rex asked.
There was a break in the conversation while everyone in the room except the extradimensional visitors burst into laughter.
"Y-yeah… sure… you're gonna win HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Kaiba said, tears flowing from his eyes. "Okay, we're going to let the machine pick two people to team up and kick the crap out of the two sacrificial lambs. All right, #1 is… well, duh. Yugi, you're up."
"YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Yami screamed. "FINALLY! PREPARE FOR BATTLE! THE PHARAOH IS READY TO LAY THE ANCIENT EGYPTIAN SMACKDOWN!"
Silence.
"((Sooooo… that hair is the sign of some kind of lingering brain trauma?))" Pikachu asked.
"It's great that you have so much enthusiasm for your dream!" Ash said. Pikachu bit his ankle.
"Moving on. Your partner will be… uh oh," Kaiba said.
"What? What's wrong… NO FREAKIN' WAY!" Yami protested, coming forward to look at his partner. "You can't seriously expect me to work with him!"
Joey stepped up to take a look. "Well, I'm assumin' it ain't me, so who's gonna be Yug's… are you serious? Kaiba, does your computer have a BRAIN? Does it not know that throwing fire into a pool of gasoline is a bad thing? Does it WANT to get the apocalypse started early?"
"What's the big deal?" Brock asked. Kaiba punched him in the face.
"That 'no talking' rule still applies, voice thief!"
"As much as I like the violence," Misty admitted, "I also find myself wondering exactly what the problem is."
Kaiba pointed to Yugi's partner.
"Again: NO. FREAKIN'. WAY!" Yami roared.
"Oh, dear." Bakura said. "Why is everyone staring at me?"
Misty sighed. "THAT is the problem? How is Cheerful McBritish a problem?"
"Heh, heh, heh, heh… yes, how am I a problem?" Evil Bakura asked. "I can't WAIT to play a friendly, totally aboveboard and friendly game with my good, good friend Yami. It will be ever so much good, quality fun. Excuse me while I go back to my room to get three hundred feet of extension cord, a high-powered battery, and pliers of varying sizes. For, y'know… home improvement."
"But… we're on a blimp?" Misty said doubtfully.
"I need to…. Improve, the blimp, so it's more… homey?" Evil Bakura struggled. "Oh, screw it!" he said, throwing an arm around Yami's shoulder amicably. "We both know that I'm going to murder you the moment you're not focusing on me, so we may as well get used to it. Now, what material would you like your coffin made out of?"
"… … … … … … So, Kaiba. What does this blimp have in the way of bodyguard services?" Yami asked.
Author Note: Short, I know. Sorry, but school has started back up… and I am, as mentioned before, damnably lazy. I'll try to make the next one a more acceptable length.
(and the review responses have been removed, because there is no way I want to upload Continue: Platinum Edition(tm) unless I have to :D )