CHAPTER 20

Bella POV:

I hung up on Jake and let the cell phone slip from my hand onto the mattress beside me. Maybe I shouldn't have admitted to him that I missed him, but what did it matter now? I suddenly felt so weak, and this baby was stretching to find more room, and causing me some pain . . . I was starting to think there was a chance that Carlisle had been right and I wouldn't live long enough to see either baby born.

I felt so alone now that Edward had pulled completely away from me. When he had come to me to apologize after his fight with Jacob, I asked him where he had been for the last three days. He was evasive with his answers . . . even when I confronted him with the fact that I could smell perfume on his jacket. Anger burned in his eyes as he threw at me, "Like you care?"

"Yes, I care, Edward, but lately I am wondering why."

That's when he stalked out and I hadn't seen him since. After he left, I laid there trying to remember where I had come across that scent of perfume before . . . finally it hit me: the wedding . . . Tanya.

I sniffed back the tears as that realization sunk in. I didn't deserve to cry . . . I had betrayed him first with Jacob. I guess he had the right now to go elsewhere to get what he couldn't from me. Hadn't I done that, too? How did we get here? To this place where everything was so surreal . . . so wrong?

So now, I was completely alone, here in this bed, feeling defeated and so disgusted with myself for the choices I made in the last few months. Jacob was right when he accused me of knowing before I married Edward. I did. If I would have been honest with myself then, I would have realized that I loved Jacob more than I should to be marrying someone else. And I did love Jacob . . . I think I've always loved Jacob, only I was too blinded by the romance of Edward to see it. As I lay there and thought back over all the time I spent with Jake, and how he has always cared for me, never asking me to change who I am . . . it made me sick to realize how I've treated him. I always feel so at home with Jake, so . . . myself with him. He makes me laugh and I feel so strong when I'm with him . . . not weak and so inferior like I feel with Edward. Here, I'm not pretty enough, or smart enough or strong enough . . . I was willing to give up my life to be a vampire for all eternity just to gain those things . . . Oh my God, I've been so stupid. I don't need to do that, because with Jacob, I am all those things . . . pretty, smart and strong.

But now, laying here in this bed, weak, tired and in pain . . . I was afraid it may be too late for me and Jacob.

Esme had come in earlier this morning and tried to make me eat just toast, but I could barely swallow it. I felt like I was choking on it, so after two bites, she made me stop. Then, deciding that maybe liquids would be best, she brought me a protein shake to try. I drank most of it then as soon as it was down, it came back up. Esme got the basin to my mouth just in time to collect the vomit.

After cleaning the basin, Esme stepped over to me to say, "Carlisle has gone out for awhile, but as soon as he returns, I will send him to see you. This can't go on, Bella. You're getting weaker by the minute."

I just nodded, as I really had nothing else to say to that. I knew I was weaker, and it terrified me.

Brushing my hair off my forehead, Esme said, "Get some rest. I'll check on you in a little bit." I watched her walk away, thankful that she could put aside her feelings for what I did to Edward to be here for me. Without her and Carlisle, I don't know where I would be right now.

Seth surprised me with a visit just after Esme left the room. Jacob had told me he wanted to come, but now I thought maybe I should have told him no. I could see by the worry on his face that I must look worse than I thought. I tried to smile for him, to make him think that it wasn't as bad as it looked, but I knew I didn't fool him. Especially when he reached out to hold my hand.

"Bella! You're freezing!" Seth exclaimed.

"I'm always freezing to you, wolf boy," I reminded him.

"Yeah, but this is like, sub-zero freezing." Taking both of my hands in his, he rubbed them to warm them. "How's that?"

"Mmm, better . . . thanks, Seth."

He continued to rub my hands and arms to share his werewolf heat with me, as he chattered on about the pack, telling me stories about Quil and Claire, but all it did really was make me miss Jacob even more. I longed to have him hold me in his arms and let the heat from his body soak into mine.

Finally, I told Seth that I was really tired and wanted to sleep and he smiled and told me good bye. He asked if he could come again and I told him yes. How could I not? He was such a sweet boy, and I really did like having him around, but . . . I hated him seeing me like this.

So, he left, and I slept for awhile until there was a knock on the door. I opened my eyes and instead of Carlisle, it was Rosalie asking if she could come in for awhile. I didn't really want her here, but she entered before I could give her my answer. As always, her question was just a formality instead of real concern for my feelings.

As Rosalie strode into the room wearing a bright blue top with white pants, her beautiful blonde hair swinging freely around her shoulders I realized she looked just how I wished I felt: pretty, strong . . . carefree. "Bella, how are you feeling?" she asked anxiously as she perched on the side of the bed.

"OK, I guess, "I lied.

"Bella, I can see how weak you are. Tell me the truth," she insisted.

I closed my eyes and licked my dry lips then admitted, "Horrible. I feel horrible."

When I opened my eyes, I saw the look of concern on her face and wondered if she would be happy when I died and she could have my baby all to herself. Geez, Bella, quit being so maudlin.

"Is there anything I can get you?"

"No. Nothing seems to help really. I just want to sleep." I closed my eyes hoping she would get the hint and hit the road.

Just then Carlisle walked in. "Hello, Bella," he called out as he stepped over to the bed and set his medical bag on the nightstand. Rosalie moved off of the bed so Carlisle could get close enough to take a look at me. "How is the nausea?"

"Better . . . until I eat. Esme tried to get me to eat toast, but it wouldn't go down, so she brought me a protein shake. I drank most of it, but it just came back up. I feel like . . . something is just not right."

"I see that," he observed as he took out his stethoscope and listened to my heart. He took my pulse and my blood pressure then got up to look at the IV machine to say, "I'm afraid that you aren't absorbing anything you eat or drink. For some reason, your body is rejecting everything we try to give you."

"Why? These babies need nutrition . . . what will happen if they don't get what they need?"

"They will also get weaker. That's why we have to keep trying . . . I need to think of something that will . . . "

Then Rosalie spoke up. "What if this baby just isn't getting what it wants? This baby is half vampire . . . maybe it's . . . thirsty?"

I stared at her, trying to understand what she was asking when Carlisle said, "Maybe. I never thought of that."

"Thought of what?" I asked. They couldn't be thinking what I thought they were thinking . . . could they? I turned my attention back to their conversation to see if I was understanding correctly.

Rosalie was saying, "We have what we need in storage for Bella . . . we could use that."

"But how to administer it? It needs it now. If not, I'm going to have to take it."

"Then, maybe she could just . . . drink it."

My eyes grew wide as I realized she was talking about blood. Oh my God . . . drink it? I blurted out, "You are suggesting that I . . . drink blood?"

"If that's what this baby needs . . . "

Carlisle stopped Rosalie by putting his hand up then saying to me, "Bella, she may have a point. This baby is rejecting what we feed it because it's not what it needs. And it would be the quickest way to get it there . . . "

Rosalie jumped in by saying, "I know you might think it's disgusting, but if it's for the baby, don't you think you could at least try it?" I was taken aback at the look in her eyes. I had a feeling she would force it down my throat if I didn't agree to it.

Could I do it? Could I really drink blood? Just the smell of it usually brought me to my knees . . . how would I get it down without puking it back up? "I . . . just don't . . . I don't know . . . " I stammered.

Carlisle took my hand and said softly, "Bella, you don't have to do this. We can try it if you are willing, but if not, we can either give it intravenously or just go ahead and deliver the baby and feed it after it is born."

"Is that safe?" Rose asked anxiously. "Has the baby had enough time to develop? I thought it needed a few more days . . . "

Carlisle cut her off with a menacing look and she stopped and stepped back with a nod. "Bella, this is your baby, and it is up to you."

How I wished Edward were here beside me, helping me to make these decisions. "Where is Edward?" I asked weakly.

"Rosalie, go find Edward and tell him I want him here now," Carlisle ordered. She nodded and left the room quickly to do his bidding. "Now that's she's gone, tell me, have you felt any pain? Is this baby putting any pressure on you?"

I nodded, my eyes suddenly filling with tears. "Yes. I'm so worried about Jacob's baby. I can't take the chance of losing it."

"I understand. May I examine you?"

I nodded again, then tried to relax as he pulled back the covers and gently lifted my shirt as I pulled my sweatpants down just a little. The bump that was Edward's baby was getting bigger almost by the minute, Carlisle observed as his hand brushed over it. "This baby is growing faster. We may not have much more time, Bella."

Just then, Edward came into the room, followed by Rosalie, and he asked, "Is everything alright? What's happening?"

Carlisle pulled the covers over me then filled him in quickly as Edward looked down at me. I tried hard to read his expression, but he was always so guarded these days, I never knew exactly what he was thinking. He nodded as Carlisle finished then he asked me, "What do you want to do, Bella?"

"I don't know. I guess I can try to . . . drink it . . . if that's what the baby needs."

Rosalie was out the door in a flash, and I would sure she would be back soon with a nice, cool, refreshing glass of blood for me to sip. I ridiculously pictured it with a little umbrella in it. Edward sat on the edge of the bed and took my hand. "Bella, you don't have to do this. Let Carlisle take it now."

I shook my head gently as I answered, "This baby needs more time. I want to give it more time to be ready."

It wasn't long until Rosalie returned and handed me a plastic cup with a straw in it. It was cold . . . maybe that would make it go down easier. "Just try not to think about what it is. Think of it as . . . tomato juice," she suggested.

That's great . . . I hate tomato juice. "You can also hold you nose while you drink. It will shut off your sense of taste," Carlisle added.

I nodded then with my eyes closed, I took a deep breath, held my nose and put the straw to my mouth. Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it . . . I chanted to myself in my head. I finally took a sip and tried my best not to gag . . . but it didn't work. My gag reflex kicked it back out and as the blood flew out of my mouth, my eyes opened to watch in horror as I sprayed red droplets all over the bright white, feather-down duvet.

"Bella!" Rosalie cried out in disgust as I coughed. "You didn't even try!"

"Rose! That's enough," Carlisle scolded.

Edward quickly took the cup from my hand and set it on the nightstand as Carlisle quickly held up the basin just in time to catch my vomit. "Get her a glass of water," he ordered Rosalie and she stalked off to the bathroom to do as he asked.

Then Carlisle handed me a washcloth to wipe my mouth and as soon as Rosalie returned with my water, he instructed me to rinse my mouth with it and then spit into the basin. Once I felt better, I drank a little of the water then fell back into the pillows as Edward pulled the duvet off of the bed.

"I'm sorry . . . I'm so, so sorry," I cried, feeling like such a failure because I couldn't do what my baby needed me to do. Tears streamed down my face and into my ears as I lay there feeling so inadequate. Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mother . . . but I guess it was a little late now.

"Carlisle, just get this thing out of her, now. I can't stand to see what it's doing to her," Edward ordered.

"No! It's not ready," Rosalie cried out.

"Shut up, Rose!" Edward spit at her. "She wouldn't be suffering like this if it weren't for you and your selfishness! She was ready to have Carlisle remove this thing until you opened your mouth and insisted she give it a chance to live. You could care less whether Bella lives or dies, as long as you have your chance to hold that baby." I was rather shocked at his outburst. I didn't think he really cared that strongly anymore.

Rosalie glared at him, determined not to back down when Carlisle interrupted with, "That's enough. I won't have my patient upset anymore."

With a huff, Rosalie turned and stalked from the room as Edward turned to say, "I'm sorry, but you know I'm right."

Carlisle nodded then looked down at me. "Bella, rest now, and we'll talk again in a little bit, OK?"

I nodded as he left then I turned to Edward. For just a moment, I felt I could see a little of the old Edward looking down at me. There was a softness in his face as his hand gently ran across my forehead, brushing the hair from my eyes. I waited, wanting so badly to hear him say he loved me . . . that everything would be alright . . . but it never came. He stepped back, picked up the duvet and left the room, leaving me alone once again.

Esme came in later, along with Alice who helped me change my clothes while Esme put clean sheets on the bed. Once I was settled back into the bed, Carlisle walked in with a bag of blood. He informed me that he would give it to me intravenously and that it would get to the baby, only it would take a little longer.

I turned my head away as he hooked it up as now even the sight of it made me want to gag. Once he was through, he left me with a smile and told me he would be back to check on me soon.

Esme left with him, taking the dirty linens with her, and Alice politely told me to get some rest and that everything would be alright.

"Do you know that for sure? Can you see it?" I asked.

Alice shook her head slowly as she answered, "I can't see anything. I have a feeling it's because of Jacob's baby. You know I can't see anything around the wolves," she reminded me bluntly.

I forgot about that. Damnit. I would feel so much better if I knew that she had seen something . . . anything! I had heard the disdain in Alice's voice as she said, "Jacob's baby." I knew she was hurt most besides Edward at my betrayal. We had been so close, like sisters, and lately, she avoided me at all costs.

I guess that's why I was surprised to hear Alice ask me, "Why, Bella? Why did you sleep with . . . him? How could you do that to Edward?" And to me? I heard the silent implication.

How could I answer her? I decided on the truth. "I didn't plan it, Alice. I was restless that night for some reason . . . I couldn't sleep. And, suddenly, Jacob appeared in the yard outside my window. I hadn't seen him for weeks . . . and I felt so guilty at being the reason he left. I was confused about my feelings for him, ever since that day on the mountain when he kissed me and made me feel those things for him that I had been trying so hard to stuff down, deep inside. When he crawled inside my window, soaking wet from the rain, and looking so lost . . . I don't know. He wasn't himself at all. After going wolf all those weeks, it was like he was still thinking like the wolf . . . I don't know how to describe it. Anyway, we didn't really talk. He hugged me then before I knew what was happening, he kissed me, and . . . it just happened." I stopped for a moment as flashes of that night zipped through my mind and then words just started tumbling from my mouth, "It was amazing really . . . almost like a dream. Our bodies fit together so perfectly . . . we were like one person . . . sharing something so special. Both of us were virgins, but neither of us was scared or nervous . . . it was . . . " I stopped then as I looked up at her face and realized I had been talking out loud.

Shame filled me immediately as I stuttered, "I'm so . . . sorry, Alice. I shouldn't have . . ."

"No, Bella, it's alright. I understand."

"You do? Because I don't. Edward was completely forgotten in that moment. I still don't understand how I let that happen."

Alice perched on the side of the bed to say, "I knew right before the wedding . . . I could tell you were wavering. My vision of you becoming a vampire had disappeared. I didn't know why, though. I just hoped that after the wedding, things would get back on track. But the vision never returned."

"But you never saw me becoming pregnant?"

With a shake of her head, Alice answered, "No, I didn't."

We were very quiet for a moment then I broke the silence by saying, "I miss you, Alice. I'm so sorry for hurting you. I never meant to hurt any of you, least of all Edward. You have to believe that."

Alice quietly contemplated my statement before saying, "I believe you didn't mean to hurt him, but you did . . . deeply. Trust is something that is earned, and once it is gone, it's very hard to get it back. Seeing you spend all your time with Jacob is not helping you earn that trust back, Bella."

I closed my eyes as I nodded then I opened them to look at her and say, "I know, I understand that, but . . . Jacob is the father of one of my babies, and right now, I feel he's the only one that really cares if I live or die. It's hard to stay away from that."

Alice offered no comment as she stood and moved to the door. But before she walked from the room, she turned to say, "I miss you, too, Bella, but . . . I can tell you've already made your choice whether you realize it or not. And it's not Edward." And with that, she stepped out and closed the door behind her.

I heard the door click shut as I closed my eyes and tried hard to swallow the tears that were threatening once again. I heard what she didn't say, If you don't choose Edward, I am done with you. I guess it didn't matter to her that Edward left me . . . that he couldn't stand to be around me long enough to even TRY to work things out.

As I laid there and reflected back on the friendship between Alice and me, I realized that everything always had to be Alice's way. She threw me parties I never wanted, she bought me clothes I never wore . . . even my wedding was completely not what I would have had at all. I mean, she was sweet and very nice . . . she didn't try to be controlling . . . it was just her nature I guess. But she never tried to get to know the real me. Thinking back, I couldn't ever remember a time where we sat up late at night and shared things about ourselves . . . I don't remember her ever asking me about my life growing up, or living in Phoenix, or later about how I dealt with all those months of being alone when they left me. All those emails I sent her that she never answered . . . a true friend wouldn't have done that. A true friend would have answered, no matter what.

Again I felt so tired, so sick, so weak, so . . . alone. I glanced over to the nightstand to my cell phone and fought the urge to call Jacob. If he knew what I was going through, he would be here in a second, holding me in his arms and making me feel . . . stop it, Bella. You can't keep using him that way. You made the choices that brought you here, so you need to suck it up and deal with it on your own for once.

I finally closed my eyes and gave into the emotional and physical exhaustion that I felt and escaped into sleep.

A/N: This chapter turned out to be a long one, so I split it into two . . . so next chapter continues in Bella's POV. I'm so glad you all are enjoying this story! Stay tuned . . . the baby is on the way!