Title: So This Is Christmas
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: Chicago PD
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Chicago PD and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Ethan has been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: The Voights attempt to have a happy holiday season while continuing to deal with Ethan's health challenges, the changing family dynamic with new additions to the family, and Erin's growing relationship with Jay Halstead. This is a short set of chapters set after the Interesting Dynamics story of this AU.
SPOILER ALERT: There are some minor spoilers in this story related to the outcome and upcoming chapters of Interesting Dynamics. Likely nothing entirely unexpected, but you've been warned.
Erin got Ethan's urine bag hanging off the end of the bed and then started to work at carefully tucking the heating blanket around him.
"What level you want it on?" she asked him as she reached to turn the blanket on.
Ethan was so cold all the time anymore. Hank's house wasn't exactly warm. It never had been. It was old. It was drafty in the winter and stuffy in the summer. It just leaked heat. She didn't want to know what his heating bills were like. It didn't even really seem to matter that winter, though, how much he cranked the furnace – Ethan was still freezing. So at some point his dad had decided that the solution was to invest in a heating blanket for about every room in the house – constantly draping the boy under one whether he wanted it or not. Though, most of the time Ethan didn't protest. Hank likely would've done well buying him an electric hoodie and socks that Christmas. Ethan probably would've pulled them on gratefully. Though, wouldn't likely have been quite as enthusiastic about them as he had been about his stocking full of Jurassic Park.
"High," Ethan muttered at her. He was still staring at that dinosaur that Hank aka Santa had got him.
Ethan seemed completely unwilling to let the toy leave his side – just like a little kid with his new stuffed animal. But this was far from a stuffed animal and Erin figured it was more likely to induce nightmares than it was to bring comfort. Though, its presence seemed pretty comforting to Ethan that day. She was starting to wonder just how far afield the toy was going to travel with him. If it came to the hospital with them the next few days that would be the real proof of the status the toy had achieved – quickly. Probably real affirmation for Hank too that he'd done alright breaking down and spending his money on something "stupid" for his twelve-year-old. If it was this loved already – it didn't seem like that stupid of purchase to Erin.
"What's her name?" she asked.
Ethan gave her a little glance. "She doesn't have one. Not in the movie."
She gave a little nod of acknowledgement. "Don't you think you should give yours one?"
He looked at at the toy. "Well, Indominus means untameable," he said after thinking for a moment but then jutted the thing toward her. "So ERIN!" he declared.
She gave him a condescending look. "You're funny," she said and reached to take the toy out of his hand. "I think you can come up with something better than that," she informed him and set the thing on Hank's nightstand. Ethan reached for it again, but she moved her hand his way and laced her fingers with his giving his hand a little shake. "Let's just leave the dinosaur there so you aren't playing with her. You need to shut your eyes and get a bit of rest, Eth."
He gazed sadly at her. But she gave her head a little shake. "You aren't missing anything," she assured. "Olive and Justin and Henry said they wanted to take a nap too. It's been a long day. Everyone wants to get a bit of rest before dinner."
His gaze stayed on her. "Is Dad going to come up?"
She stroked his head a bit. "Yea," she nodded. "He'll be up in a while. He wants to get himself cleaned up before dinner. You know how grumpy he gets when he doesn't get his morning shower."
"It's afternoon," Ethan put to her.
"Exactly," she agreed.
"He doesn't seem that grumpy."
She smiled thinly at him. "He will be – if you don't take a nap. Because I know you – and you're going to be a grouch too – if you don't shut your eyes," she stressed.
"Will you stay with me?" Ethan asked. "'Til Dad comes up?"
She let out a little sigh. Jay was still downstairs. She wasn't sure she wanted to leave him alone in the same room as Hank too long – not at home. Usually not at work either. And, honestly, while Hank was off doing his thing in the kitchen and Justin and his family were bunkered down in her room, she sort of wanted a bit of time to just sit with Jay alone for a while. They hadn't gotten that yet that day.
"For a while," she agreed, though. "But not until Dad comes up."
Ethan watched her as she rounded the other side of the bed and lay down on her side to gaze at her baby brother. He rolled over onto his side so he could look at her too and she reached and tucked the warm blanket around him once again – even though after he did pass out he'd likely flail his way out from under it.
It felt a little strange to be laying in Hank and Camille's bed but she'd done it a few times in the previous weeks when Ethan needed someone with him. She could almost get some sleep then – more than sitting in her hard rocking chair that Hank had dragged in there or more than laying in her own room, straining her ears to hear him and if he needed her.
She gave him a thin smile and reached to stroke at his hair more. "Close your eyes, Eth," she encouraged but he just kept staring at her. "You're tired," she told him instead and he shrugged.
She knew he was tired, though. He'd had such a long night. A long few weeks. And no matter how excited he'd managed to let himself be that morning – with his brother getting home, and his Jurassic Park haul, and his present from Daddy, and presents to share with the rest of the family, and Henry to play with – he still was a little boy who'd only gotten a few hours sleep the night before after spending 10 days in the hospital and being poked and prodded at. He needed his rest.
So did she. She was tired. Really, really tired. She knew she'd sleep well that night. She'd likely sleep better if she dragged herself to her own apartment to sleep in her own bed. And she'd probably sleep even better if she let herself go over to Jay's apartment and they celebrated their engagement before shutting their eyes. But digging out her car and navigating the roads sounded like it might require more effort than she was willing to put in that day when she was already exhausted and she'd just have to be back to Hank's in the morning to get Ethan in for his IV and then everyone over to the ice rink. It might be easier to just stay there – even though it meant that she'd likely end up on Ethan's bunkbed and that she'd be sending Jay home without much more than a kiss.
"Do we have to go to the hospital tonight?" Ethan asked her quietly.
She shook her head. "No," she assured him, pushing his bangs back. "In the morning."
"For an IV?"
"Yea," she allowed. "And they'll be taking some blood and some of your pee out of the bag."
"Do they take the tube out tomorrow?" he asked.
"Hmm …" she shrugged. "I don't think so, Eth. I think they're leaving it on for a couple more days. Until your kidneys are doing better. Until that gross drug is all out of your system."
He let out a slow breath and scrunched his face at her. She gave him a sad smile.
"Does it hurt?" she asked gently.
He shrugged at her. "Sorta," he admitted.
She gave a little nod and cupped his head. "I'm sorry, Eth."
He just shrugged again. He kept gazing at her. Those heavy little boy eyes. They were so tired and sad. With him up there and laying down now a lot of the spark that had been in them downstairs was fading. But hopefully that would change after he got an hour or two's rest. When Hank got him in front of his mashed potatoes and gravy that he wanted. His Mom's cranberry sauce. The turkey that she was sure Hank would near force feed him to get a bit of protein into his system.
"I think we made Dad sad today," Ethan put to her quietly.
She gave him a sad smile at that and wrapped her fingers around his temple a bit more. Her hand was resting on his scars but he wasn't pulling away. Wasn't telling her not to touch it – or him. Another sure sign he was overtired and hurting.
"I don't think so," she said.
"He looked like he was going to cry a couple times," Ethan provided.
She gave him a little shrug. "Your dad's allowed to cry sometimes."
Ethan just gazed at her at that. Ethan had seen Hank cry so few times in his life that it was actually a little scary for the boy when his dad did breakdown. She supposed it was scary for her too – in a way. To see Hank that vulnerable. For him to reach that point that he didn't just let those emotions briefly play across his faces – the ones that weren't anger or rage. And for the sadness to come out like that – it meant that the wall had really broken and the couple times she'd witnessed it, it'd been a floodgate. That could be scary. But it was usually short lived. He dammed it back up quickly. Maybe almost faster than she wished it would. Because there was something comforting about seeing Hank's human side too – even if it was a little scary, even if it meant he was really hurting. Sometimes it helped to know he felt all those things too – and that he could express them, even if he didn't particularly like it.
So she gave Ethan a weak, little smile again. "I think your dad is just thinking about your mom a lot today."
"He misses her," Ethan said flatly.
Erin gave him a little nod. "Yea, Eth, he does. Lots."
"Me too," he whispered.
She rubbed at his back a bit. "I know. We all do. But I think even though your dad might be a little sad, he's had a nice day. And, he's really, really happy that you're out of the hospital and that Justin got home with Henry too."
"And 'cuz you got engaged," Ethan provided.
Erin let out an amused noise and looked at him. "That might be somewhere on his list," she allowed. "But not likely the top of it."
She wasn't entirely sure how Hank felt about it. They'd likely talk about it more later. In private. Later. Hopefully after her and Jay had a chance to talk about it all and decompress a bit. Because she'd kind of like that to happen first.
Hank must be OK with it, though. He didn't seem not OK with it. He was pretty easy to read when something was not OK. It was more when everything was OK that it took a bit more effort to get an gauge on what he was actually thinking or feeling. But she supposed in that end it didn't matter too much what he thought or felt about it. It was her life. At the same time, though. It really, really mattered to her exactly what he thought and felt about it. As much as she hated to admit that.
Ethan just kept looking at her. And she supposed to a point it mattered to her what her baby brother thought and felt about it all too.
"I get the sense it's not at the top of your list of exciting things that happened today either," she said.
He shrugged at her and reached to fiddle with one of the strings on her hoodie, just like Henry had been doing any time she'd held him that day. She frowned a little at him and ran her fingers through his hair.
"You wanna talk about that a bit, Eth? 'Cuz it makes me a little sad that you aren't happy for me."
His eyes darted to her. There was concern in them. "Don't be sad," he whispered.
She gave him a look. "I am," she put back to him. "I want to know why my baby brother isn't excited and happy for me? And don't even try to tell me you don't like Jay. Sometimes I think you like Jay better than you like me."
It was true. Ethan usually lit up when Jay was around. When Jay treated him like a teenager. Talked to him like he was older than he was. Gave him responsibility and respect. Fooled around with him doing boy stuff. Jay had been good to have around that summer and fall. He'd made the transition easier. For all of them. And Erin really appreciated that. She needed that support. It hadn't been an easy transition. It was one they were all still adjusting to.
A year of big changes. This engagement was just another one on the list. A little overwhelming in its own way.
"No, I don't," Ethan said with some disgust and tossed the little string back in her direction, his eyes looking down at the mattress between them.
"What's going on here, Ethan?" she pressed a bit more gently.
She suspected it was just jealousy. Him realizing he was going to have to share time and attention. That things were changing when Ethan had already dealt with so many changes that year. Hard changes for a little kid – no matter Hank's 'kids are resilient' mantra.
In a lot of ways too, Justin getting married had been related to rapid changes that had left him feeling like he'd lost his big brother again. And, that might've been why he latched onto Jay a bit in the summer. But he'd be damned if he let it happen again so he lost her this time around. He was just being a protective and possessive little kid.
Or a Voight male. It was more characteristics on their trait list.
But he gave her a shy glance and then reached to roll the string on her shirt between his fingers again. "Do you really Netflix and Chill?" he asked quietly.
She let out an exasperatedly annoyed sound. "OK, Ethan," she said, pushing his shoulder a bit to force him to meet her eyes. "Three things. One – I don't think you really know what 'Netflix and Chill' means."
"Yes, I do," Ethan muttered at her.
"No," Erin pressed at him. "You don't. Two – whether it means what you think it means—"
"Blowjobs," Ethan said flatly.
She glared at him. "Or what it really means," she kept going, "Either of those things are none of your business. And three – when you're an adult, sometimes 'Netflix and chill' just means Netflix and chill."
Ethan gazed at the mattress, keeping very still. "It means blowjobs," he said quietly. "And I don't like he makes you do that."
Erin let out a sigh and reached and nudged his chin up, forcing him to look her in the eyes, though he did his best to still divert his gaze. "Do you even really know what blowjobs are?"
He squinted at her. "Yes," he said defensively and yanked his chin away from her.
"Then tell me what it is," she said and he jerked his eyes away. She shook her head at him. "You want to have a grown-up conversation, then let's act like grown-ups."
He flared his nostrils at her and looked away. "It's when a guy makes a girl put his dick in her mouth and she sucks on it," he muttered.
Erin allowed him a little nod. "Yea," she agreed quietly. Though she really hated he'd actually be able to answer the question. "It is. And it's called oral sex."
"Whatever. It's gross and I don't like he makes you do that," Ethan said more forcibly, beating his fist on the mattress and moving his eyes away from her.
She reached and moved his chin to find her eyes again. "Netflix and chill means sex," she told him firmly. "Not blowjobs. Some people include oral sex in sex – and if it's something both people want to do, it's not gross. There's nothing wrong with it."
He gave her a little boy glare. "I don't like that he makes you do it!" he protested with near watering eyes.
She touched his cheek. "Ethan, I'm not going to talk to you about what Jay and I do in our private, personal time. It's none of your business. But I am going to tell you that Jay doesn't make me do anything. Anything me and Jay do together – it's together – and it's because it's something we both want to do. That's how sex – any kind of sex - is supposed to work."
He huffed and looked away again. "Then I don't want you kissing me or hugging me anymore. Ever. You have penis breath. HIS PENIS BREATH!"
She had to fight from laughing at him. So she stroked his flushed cheek a bit. Flushed with anger and flushed with embarrassment and flushed with his poor little body struggling to exercise all the crap that was pulsing through it.
"OK," she allowed quietly. "If that's the way you feel about it. But I'm kinda going to miss hugging you."
He gave her a sad little glance.
Truth was that she hadn't performed oral sex on Jay. The truth was that when she was little more than Ethan's age she'd spent years down on her knees because she thought that was what boys and men wanted. That it was what she needed to do survive. To make money. To not have worse things happen to her. To be left alone. And it'd only just made her feel ashamed and violated and angry. And even though she'd made questionable choices in terms of her sex life since Hank and Camille had rescued her from the shit-show that Bunny had her living in – even though she'd still given her body to men who didn't deserve it and she'd punished herself in ways she probably shouldn't have – she stopped getting down on her knees.
She didn't care how much she trusted Jay. She didn't care that there were definite ways she could still do that for him without kneeling in front of him. She wasn't going to do it. Not yet. Maybe not ever. She wasn't ready to compromise herself that way again. To go back to that place and those memories – no matter who he was.
There'd been a couple times where Jay had done the typical guy thing. He'd tried to guide her to him in their foreplay. But she'd resisted and he hadn't pushed it. Then on the third time it'd happened, she'd looked him directly in the eyes and simply said, "It's not going to happen. It's not ever going to happen." And he got that look on his face. The one that said he was reading deeper into her – deeper than she was comfortable with. But since then he'd never given her any inklings that he wanted her to do that for him. She wasn't stupid. She knew he did. He was a guy. And maybe some day she would. But right now – no.
But that wasn't anything she was going to tell Ethan. It was no one's business. No one's but her own.
"Eth," she finally said to her baby brother. "Your dad is a pretty smart guy and I think he's likely already figured this out, but just so you know, I'm going to be telling him that you two need to be having a bit of a talk about some of this stuff."
He shot her daggers. "He's already talked to me about all that."
She gave him thin lips and a little shrug. "I think maybe you need a bit of a refresher."
His eyes looked angry and he looked away but he didn't turn from her, so she rested her hand on his shoulder and played with the seam on his shirt there.
"Dad doesn't know anything! He doesn't even know what 'Netflix and chill' is," Ethan said.
"Daddy is a fifty-five year old man who was married 20 years and has three kids, Ethan," she said. "He may not know all the stupid slang – but he knows about sex."
Ethan just huffed. Erin only had to vaguely imagine what Hank's sex talk so far had looked like with Ethan. Not exactly a comfortable conversation between any kids and their parents. Even worse with Hank. She'd heard his sex lectures as a teenager. Though the ones she'd gotten were more based in self-respect and self-worth and 'not being fucking stupid' than the actual birds and the bees mechanics of it. She wasn't sure she wanted to know what Hank's 12-year-old version of the birds and the bees talk looked like. But she could understand that Ethan likely didn't want to go through that chat again. With Hank it was usually less of a chat and more of a lecture. One-sided and in your face. He would pick an opportunity when Ethan had no chance of escape. The car on the way to school. Poor kid. But he was lucky that he had a parent who cared enough to actually talk about those things with him. Who was realistic and respectful about it all.
Still, in a way, she wasn't sure she really liked that these were already talks they were having with Ethan now. Some how twelve had gotten there too quickly. And the last bit of his childhood would just fly by. He'd be 'grown-up' quickly. He already was growing up too quickly. He'd been forced to grow up quickly since he was just a little boy.
"It just makes me pretty uncomfortable that kids in your class are talking about giving each other blowjobs and hooking up and having sex and all that," she told him.
"We're twelve," Ethan spat out.
Sometimes she thought maybe it wasn't her upbringing that made her question whether she wanted to have kids. Maybe it was this. Maybe she'd be all parented out by the time Ethan was grown-up. Because she sure seemed to get stuck having a lot of conversations with him that she didn't feel fit into her older sister mandate. Since him being home it'd been more and more she had to be an authority figure for him when Hank wasn't able. It was part of their agreement. She couldn't always be his friend. She could still be his big sister but she wasn't always going to be the hero or the good guy in Ethan's eyes. That was just a given.
She loved Ethan. She really, really loved Ethan. She was glad he was a part of her life. She was so glad he'd been added to the Voight family she'd arrived. That she got to be there to see him as a baby to watch him grow up and to be that big sister. But sometimes she did feel like she was more of a parent anymore. She didn't resent Hank for that. She knew he needed the help. And that that meant Ethan did too. And she owed Hank that much. She wouldn't begrudge him or Ethan that. There were just times it was hard. It was more than she expected. More than she wanted. But then Ethan would say or do something that would make her smile so much or make her feel so loved and wanted in a way that few other people really could – and it was worth it. All the annoyances and frustrations and time consumption and heartache with him became worth it in those moments. And she wouldn't trade it.
"Yea, exactly," Erin muttered and reached to brush at his messy hair.
She sort of hoped that Ethan would let his dad help him get cleaned up before dinner too. He just reeked of the hospital. He was covered in it. And how's that for a twelve-year-old? They're grown-up little boy in the house? Needing Daddy's help to get all the stickies from the tape off his body and all the disinfectant staining his skin washed off and his tubing taped and urine bag adjusted? Needing her or Hank to go in and help with his hair because his hands and arm were shaking so much he couldn't manage lathering the shampoo? Having to embarrassedly wait for Hank to help him into the shower because his legs were so weak and his feet so unsure that stepping into the tub was just asking for him to fall. Getting a support bar up in the tub was supposed to be one of Hank's projects that he hopefully got around to sooner rather than later. But it was all just proof to her that their big boy wasn't so big. Not at all. Not yet. Not matter what kind of grown up stuff he was having to deal with. Or just how grown-up he wanted to think he was.
"You did lots of stuff at twelve," Ethan hissed at her.
She let out a little sigh and shrugged at him. "Yea, I did lots of stuff that makes me really sad and that I don't want to think about when I was around your age," she admitted. "But we've talked about that. That my mom wasn't a very good mom – and that she didn't take very good care of me. And I was – I am – so happy that I got to come home and live here. With my real family."
Ethan gazed at her more softly. "Your mom didn't call you this year," he offered quietly.
She allowed another little shrug and took out a deep breath. "Nope," she agreed. "But, you know, I don't really feel like talking to her. She doesn't make me feel very good about myself."
Ethan gazed at her more and must've been able to read and register her sadness. He had some inkling of the awful things Bunny had managed to do to hurt her that year. To drag her down. To take her down a rabbit hole and to try to destroy her and her relationship with Hank. To try to take Hank – her father. To destroy the people who'd become her family. To hurt the little boy who'd she helped raised and who she'd loved since birth. Why would she want to talk to someone like that? Erin didn't want to hear from her. Not really. Voight wanted her to cut ties. Officially. And, as hard as that was, maybe it was best.
Ethan must've forgotten that he didn't want hugs from her and her supposed penis breath, because he cuddled closer to her and draped his one arm over her. His forehead resting somewhere between her shoulder blade and the crook of her neck. So she wrapped her arm around him too and rubbed at her back.
"Eth, I just want you to know, that I know some kids are saying things to you that makes you feel like you need to do things or be a certain way to fit in. But, you need to understand that you never should feel like people are making you do things that you don't want to do or that you're uncomfortable with. You're allowed to say no and you're allowed to say stop. It doesn't matter if it's a boy or a girl who's trying to make you do the things. No and stop. And it doesn't matter if it's now or it's when you're all grown up. Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"
"Yes," he whispered against her.
She threaded her fingers through the hair on the back of his head and down his neck. "And, if anyone ever touches you in a way you don't like or makes you do something you don't want to do or doesn't listen when you tell them to stop – you've got to tell Daddy or me right away, Eth. Or someone. Justin. Jay. Someone. OK?"
He nodded against her and she just held him a bit tighter.
She was so afraid about what some of these kids were going to put him through. What ways they were going to find to tease him. What pressure they were going to put him under to do things he wasn't ready for or didn't understand. And just what lengths Ethan would go to to try to fit in. Or prove himself. Or be normal. Even if they were trying to get him to do something that wasn't that normal just so they could laugh at him. Kids could be so cruel. And kids that knew they'd found a mark – a desperate one at that – were only likely to be crueler. She'd experienced it. And, Ethan didn't have all the street smarts and faculties as her. And he was just a baby. Their family's baby. He still played with fucking dinosaurs for God's sake.
She held him for a few moments and then put a small kiss on the top of his head. He didn't protest that either.
"Eth," she said carefully. "You sure maybe you aren't that excited about me being engaged because maybe you're a little jealous you don't get me all to yourself anymore?"
He just shrugged and didn't offer a response.
"Hmm," she allowed. "Because it sounded like you sort of thought that it meant I might move or something."
He squirmed against her, burying his face further into her chest. She could feel his fatigue radiating off him. Maybe he'd just curl up in a ball and fall asleep and they'd finish this conversation later.
"You know I'm not leaving Chicago, though, right?" she put to him gently.
"Justin did," he mumbled.
"Yea," she allowed. "But Justin had already left before he got married. He left for Boot Camp."
"And then him and Olive got married and then they had Henry and now they live far away."
"Yea," Erin allowed again. "But me and Jay both work right here and we aren't planning on moving."
"But you probably won't come over no more," he said.
She rubbed at his back. "Well, I might not sleepover as much anymore, Eth," she conceded. "But I'm still going to be over lots."
"You'll want to spend all your time with him."
She shook her head. "Nah," she said. "He annoys me enough that I definitely don't want to spend ALL my time with him."
He pulled away from her a bit at that and gazed up at her. He was so close to her that she pretty much felt herself going cross eyed looking down at him.
"If he annoys you then why are you even marrying him?" Ethan asked cautious.
Erin gave him a small smile and a little shrug. "Because he's really nice to me."
Ethan blinked at her like that didn't make much sense to him. She shifted him a bit, pushing him away gently so she could look him in the eye better.
"I was having a really bad year before you came home, Eth," she said. "Some things happened—"
"Your friend died," he put a little too bluntly. It stung even though she knew he didn't mean for it to. It was just that it was still a fresh wound – even now.
But she gave him a little frown and an even littler nod. "My friend was murdered," she confirmed. "And, that was really hard for me. And I made some really bad choices and I did some really stupid things that weren't good for me. And I found some ways to be really mean to dad too."
"You quit your job," Ethan provided.
"Yea," she allowed with another frown and a bigger sigh. She shook her head. She didn't really want to go back there. "But Jay still believed in me and helped me see that I was making some pretty stupid choices and then he helped me get back on track. He watched out for me. He made it easier. Then again, Eth, when you came home and I was really scared and really hurting with you being so sick and worrying about what was going to happen – Jay helped again. He was someone for me to talk to and to help. He was really there for me. When lots of other people weren't. And being there for people like that – that's not something everyone does. It's special. You don't want to lose people like that in your life. You want to keep them real close and make them your family."
Ethan eyed her. She eyed him. She felt like they just eyed each other like that for a really long time. Him contemplating what she'd said. Her thinking there was so much more she could say. Being surprised at how much more she could likely say. No one had ever treated her the way Jay had. And he'd really asked nothing in return. Even when she'd really treated him like shit. She'd hurt him – and he was still there. Again and again. At her side. He hadn't given up on her. Even when she'd given up on herself.
"Do you love him like Daddy loves Mom?" Ethan asked after a long silence.
She came out of her trance and gave him a thin smile. Only a kid could capture it that succinctly. That simply. But so accurately.
"Yea, Eth," she agreed. "I do."
And that was special. That counted for a lot. She should be so lucky to be loved as much as Hank still loved Camille. She should be so lucky to have that much love to give to someone. But she thought she did. She felt it. And she'd been taught well. To know how to see it. And it was there. In Jay.
AUTHOR NOTE: The reader count is REALLY low for Chapter 19. I think a lot of people missed it for some reason. Please check it out.