Chapter Twenty

"Here she is," Eli led Clare over to the tombstone. Some greyish/green moss was starting to creep up across the marble stone. It was cold out, but Clare suddenly felt an even greater chill when she glanced down at the stone, "Julia," Eli whispered the name, running his hand tenderly along the top of the stone.

"Hi, Julia," Clare squeaked, meekly, "It's nice to finally meet you. I've heard good things about you."

"Don't be a liar, Clare," Eli warned her, "You know Julia was a pain in the ass."

Clare blushed softly, and Eli rolled his eyes good-naturedly, "Weren't you, Jules? You really knew how to piss me off, huh? I think you loved doing that – you loved driving me insane. Well guess what, I am. But you already knew that, huh? Anyways, this is Clare. My girlfriend."

"Hi, Julia," Clare said again, reaching over to grasp on to Eli's hand.

"Give her a chance," Eli said to the tombstone, "I love her, Julia. I do. You know you were my first love, and you know I could never forget you. You brought so much into my life, and when you left, all those things that you gave me stayed with me. I am the person I am now because of you, Julia. I am the cynical, angry, sarcastic person I am…"

"You forgot to mention kind," Clare reminded, gently, "And compassionate. And protective. And gentle. And strong."

Eli's ears turned a shade of crimson, and Clare couldn't tell if it was from blushing, or if it was on account of how cold it was outside. Eli shifted his weight, and his shoes sloshed against the murky, snow-slushied ground, "Did you hear that, Julia? I guess I've got some good qualities too. Who'd have thought! Anyways, I just want you to know, that you were my first love. I won't ever forget you, even if I wanted to. You're a part of me, and always will be. Sweet girl," Eli again stroked the tombstone.

"You know," he turned to Clare, and she could see the tears filling his red-rimmed eyes, "She could be a real bitch sometimes. Like, this girl could totally take Bianca down in a fight, and she could – and would – definitely put Katie and Marisol in their places. She was wild and loud and obnoxious. Her favorite word was fuck, and rarely – if she was angry – did you not see her middle finger shoot up at least five times in an argument. We sometimes would fight so badly," Eli winced as if the memory pained him, "that we would hurt each other. We'd uh…we'd throw things and shove each other. She slapped me once, so I pushed her to the ground. We got so violent sometimes," Eli was shaking with the tears he was trying to hold in, and Clare gently squeezed his hand, encouraging him to continue.

"But she could be so happy sometimes too. Like, this girl could light up my whole world, Clare. Sort of like how you do now. She could make any crappy situation, and make a joke of it. She could always make me smile…when she wasn't making me frown that is. She had so much life, Clare. She always did the wildest stuff. It was like…we both thought we were infinite."

Eli ran the hand that was not clutching Clare's through his hair, "Isn't that right, Julia? But we aren't infinite. No one is. There are moments though, when we feel like we are. We feel like the world can't touch us; can't disgrace what we have. But then it does, and it knocks us down, and we feel like everything we have ever felt or thought is wrong. Julia, I'm so sorry. God, I am so sorry."

Clare let Eli's hand drop as she fell to her knees in front of the gravestone. The icy slush permeated her thin denim jeans, but she ignored the pain of the cold as she said, "It would have been an honor to meet you, Julia. Really. I hope you don't mind that I love Eli. But I guess you understand that it's just very difficult not to."

Eli turned to Clare, "We should get you home," he suggested.

"Yeah," Clare nodded in agreement, not really wanting to leave the sacred place, "My mom would worry, and I did promise her."

Eli helped Clare up, and one last time, rested a hand on the marbled tombstone, "See you later, Buttface," he knelt down and kissed the top of the icy stone, "Take care, Sweet Girl."

They headed back to the car, sloshing through the snow. Neither one of them spoke a single word until they hopped on the car. Eli turned on the heater, and rubbed his hands together, trying to stay warm. Clare glanced out the passenger window, and back towards the grave.

"Thank you for bringing me here," Clare said, her voice barely a whisper.

"Of course," Eli was about to put the car in drive, but instead turned to Clare and said, "It meant a lot to me that you wanted to come here tonight. I know it must be hard to date someone who's first love was killed. I just want you to know, that I can still love her, and love you too."

"Eli," Clare reached up and touched his cheek with her palm, "I never doubted that. I am glad that you love her still. I wouldn't want you to not love her simply because I am in your life. She was your first love. She lived with you, Eli. You went through so much together. I wouldn't want to come between that at all. And I am so proud of you, honey. You're doing so well, and I know Julia would be proud of you too."

"Thanks, Clare. She was…she was really special."

"I know," Clare moved her hand to his, and gave a gentle squeeze, "You said something back there…about no one being infinite. That may be true, Eli…but there's one thing in this world that is infinite, and that is love. Your love for Julia didn't end just because she passed away. You still love her tremendously. And I know you love me, and I love you, and we always will. Love can't be destroyed. People may pass on, but that love we felt for them – and continue to feel for them – is strong and pure and beautiful, and nothing can tarnish it. It's what's infinite, Eli. Love is always infinite."