AN: I'M BACK! Thank you for all of your patients (please excuse that typo... I've been working in a psych hospital for too long already!.) *Patience. Once my schedule slowed the beginning of this week, then I hit writer's block having that long off without writing... Forgive the mistakes for now. I wanted to get this posted before I leave in a half hour but I don't have time to do my preferred three read through's before I post. SO I will edit tomorrow, but I didn't want to leave my amazing readers waiting any longer than you already have! 3
Also, as someone who grew up in Massachusetts and will be moving back in the next few weeks, I want to thank everyone who has shown support for Boston this week. 3 We're a strong city, but at a time like this, having a palpable thread of strength from around the country and in some cases, around the world, helps. So thank you.
Okay, I've hit 81,000+ reads without having posted in over two weeks! You guys are incredible! I want to thank all my readers and reviewers! I haven't forgotten about you, I'll respond when I can. LOVE YOU ALL! Read, review, and most of all enjoy!
Laters Baby. x
I wake in a cold sweat unable to shake the nightmare from my mind. Looking at the clock I realize I've only been asleep for an hour. I know the effects of this nightmare will stick to my skin for hours leaving me restless and without sleep. I take a deep breath and rub my face furiously.
I wish Ana were here.
Whoa. Where did that come from?
Okay. I pull myself out of bed and fire up my laptop, reading her email once more before formulating my reply.
Alright, Miss Steele, game time.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Your Issues
Date: May 24 2011 01:27
To: Anastasia Steele
Dear Miss Steele,
Following my more thorough examination of your issues, may I bring to your attention the definition of submissive.
Submissive [suhb-mis-iv]- adjective
Inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient; submissive servants.
Marked by or indicating submission: a submissive reply.
Origin: 1580-90; submiss + -ive
Synonyms: 1. Tractable, compliant, pliant, amenable. 2. Passive, resigned, patient, docile, tame, subdued.
Antonyms: 1. Rebellious, disobedient.
Please bear this in mind for our meeting on Wednesday.
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
I take a cold shower and scrub my body until I'm red trying to rid the grime of the crack whore's pimp from my flesh. Christ, I really need to see Flynn, thankfully he's back and I can see him immediately following that fucking graduation. Between my night terrors and this back and forth game of waiting for an answer from Ana, I really feel like I'm losing my mind.
You think you're just losing it now, Grey? Think again. The moment you started having conversations with me you should have been locked up in the loony bin. They should have thrown away the key. You're fucked up and too much of a monster for that innocent beauty with the big blue eyes. Leave her alone. Let her be. You'll burn her light out, it is bright and blinding but your darkness is much too overwhelming. You'll ruin her with this… and you know it. Do you think she'd be negotiating this if you told her the reason why you whip little brown haired girls who look like she does?
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. I slam my palm against the tile of the shower and slide down the wall to the floor. I've no idea how long I sit there with the ice-cold water beating down on me before I hear that now very familiar hopeful voice suggest, Christian, maybe you can be better for Ana… or rather because of Ana.
That thought alone pulls me away from the state my subconscious and nightmare have put me in… I'll be better for her… maybe because of her. I don't know how to be better, but for Anastasia, I will try. With this I get out of the shower and head back to bed.
I drift off into a more peaceful sleep, remembering my thoughts of dancing with Ana on beaches in the south of France. The thought is soothing and comforting and completely foreign to anything I've ever experienced previously. And I don't hate it.
I awake at my alarm sounding, precisely eight in the morning. Okay, I have half an hour to shower, dress, and eat breakfast before my skype meetings begin. I proceed through my morning routine with a velocity that would be admired by that roadrunner character Mia loved watching as a kid and feel a piercing disappointment when my email shows no new email from Miss Steele. Shit.
I go through my meetings and survive them only with thoughts of Ana. The curve of her waist. That ass. Her hair. Her lips. Those breasts. The way they rise and fall when she is panting. Her smile when she is sleeping in my arms. The way she whispers my name in her sleep. I lie awake and watch her sleep each time we've spent the night together, she truly is the most striking creature I've ever laid my eyes on. How wet and ready she is. Shit, I'm so glad I'm in virtual meetings today. This hard on would be impossible to hide from the boards otherwise. I smirk at the thought and am rewarded with curious looks from the fleet now assigned to the shipment in Darfur. Fuckers.
Six meetings, lunch with Taylor, and eight hours later my email signals a message from Miss Steele. That voice sounds out again in response to my doubt creeping in, Christian, maybe you can be better for Ana… or rather because of Ana. With a trembling finger I hover a moment over the email titled "My Issues… What about YOUR Issues?" then click the trackpad twice to revel her thoughts that will no doubt make my palm twitch.
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: My Issues… What about YOUR Issues?
Date: May 24 2011 18:29
To: Christian Grey
Sir,
Please note the date of origin: 1580-90. I would respectfully remind Sir that the year is 2011. We have come a long way since then.
May I offer a definition for you to consider for our meeting:
Compromise [kom-pruh-mahyz] – noun
a settlement of differences by mutual concessions; an agreement reached by adjustment of conflicting or opposing claims, principles, etc., by reciprocal modification demands. 2. The result of such a settlement. 3. Something intermediate between different things: The split-level is a compromise between a ranch house and a multistoried house. 4. An endangering, esp. of reputation; exposure to danger, suspicion, etc.: a compromise of one's integrity.
Ana
Well played, Miss Steele. I smirk and shake my head slowly. I'm not sure this woman could ever be submissive… but I'm willing to try it out and see.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: What about My Issues?
Date: May 24 2011 18:32
To: Anastasia Steele
Good point, well made, as ever, Miss Steele. I will collect you from your apartment at 7:00 tomorrow.
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
Now I'm grinning like a fucking loon. Christ, this woman has a power over me.
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: 2011-Women Can Drive
Date: May 24 2011 18:40
To: Christian Grey
Sir,
I have a car. I can drive.
I would prefer to meet you somewhere.
Where shall I meet you?
At your hotel at 7:00?
Ana
My grin is now gone, replaced by a foul frown and my hands running through my hair. How right I was about her having a power over me. The power to drive me fucking insane.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Stubborn Young Women
Date: May 24 2011 18:43
To: Anastasia Steele
Dear Miss Steele,
I refer to my e-mail dated May 24, 2011, sent at 1:27 and the definition contained therein.
Do you ever think you'll be able to do what you're told?
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
After a few minutes of no response I begin to get nervous again. What is this? Let's see how quickly we can get Christian to feel the spectrum of emotions as quickly as possible? Fuck me.
We know you won't feel love, Grey. You're not fucking capable. You have no heart. This woman deserves more than you.
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Intractable Men
Date: May 24 2011 18:49
To: Christian Grey
Mr. Grey,
I would like to drive.
Please.
Ana
I see we've moved away from the playful Sir's to formalities. Fine.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Exasperated Men
Date: May 24 2011 18:52
To: Anastasia Steele
Fine.
My hotel at 7:00.
I'll meet you in the Marble Bar.
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
I'm well aware that my frown is vivid in the words but in this moment, I don't much care. I want to take care of her. Can't she see that? I want to take all the things she needs to worry about on a day to day basis and make them irrelevant in her mind; what to eat, where to be, how to get there, so she can relax and enjoy. This is what I want to give her. I'll have to plead my case better next time.
From: Anastasia Steele
Subject: Not So Intractable Men
Date: May 24 2011 18:55
To: Christian Grey
Thank you.
Ana x
I smile at her response.
You're in deep, Grey.
From: Christian Grey
Subject: Exasperated Women
Date: May 24 2011 18:59
To: Anastasia Steele
You're welcome.
Christian Grey
CEO, Grey Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
Picking up my phone I call Taylor. I need to work off this extra energy and without Miss Steele here for me to indulge in it sexually, I need to work out.
"Taylor, meet me in ten minutes for a run, then we'll grab dinner on the way back."
"Yes, Sir."
Taylor is a good man. The best security I've had. The guy before him was a total joke. He didn't know his ass from his elbow and looked like he belonged on a wrestling stage, but one of those goons with the long blonde hair, stars and stripes Speedo, and knee high boots. Yeah, that kind. I fired him a week after he started. I was still new to the top of the business pyramid and hadn't quite figured out how things worked security wise. Thankfully, I hired Welch and Welch hired Taylor.
I open the door to find Taylor ready to run in his shorts, t-shirt, and sneakers. I hate that he is armed under his shirt, but I can't sway him to not carry. I shake my head and we're off down the stairs and out the door into the brisk evening air. I set a punishing rhythm to free my mind of the mess of the day as well as the back and forth with Ana. I make a mental note to call Flynn tonight to ask for a skype appointment tomorrow.
When the run comes to a close I order room service for each of our rooms and send Taylor on his way. He is a man of few words, which I appreciate. I see his skeptical glances as I tell him I'll be meeting Miss Steele for dinner tomorrow but, but wisely he chooses not to comment further.
I shower quickly and return to a set table and a meal of pasta vodka from the restaurant downstairs. It's not my usual entrée but I felt something different would be just what the doctor ordered. Speaking of doctor…
"Christian, what can I do for you? It's been a while. How have you been in my absence?"
"Actually, Flynn, I need a virtual appointment now that you're back. I'm staying at the Heathman because I'm conferring degrees later this week but I need to speak about some new… umm…" What the hell do I say here? Challenges, changes, a virgin, and possible submissive, blah blah blah, nothing fits, "events that have recently landed in my life." And fallen into my office. And your bed.
Yes, I smile at the memory of Ana coming apart under me. Grey, get back on track here.
"Okay. I must say, I'm interested to hear what events have come up for you. And while I normally do not indulge patients in virtual meetings, since it's been so long since I've seen you and you are reaching out, I'll make the exception. Would 4:00 work for you?"
"Yes. Until tomorrow, John."
"4pm."
I breathe a sigh of relief and dig into my meal. Perhaps John can help me sort this shit out. Wow, this is really good. I clean my plate and pour over the spreadsheets sent over by Ros from Taiwan before I turn in for the night. I cannot wait until 7pm tomorrow. I cannot wait.
Mommy… Mommy… Mommy, wake up! I'm hungry. My tummy really hurts, Mommy. Please wake up. Why are you so cold? Mommy. Here. I got you my blankey. Mommy, please wake up. I need you. I'm cold. I need you Mommy.
I wake in a cold sweat again. I wish Ana were here. I don't have these nightmares as bad when she's in my arms. I wonder why that is. Another question to ask Flynn. I go to the sink and wash my face with cold water before returning to bed and holding Ana's pillow tightly to my chest.
The morning passes in a blur with back-to-back meetings again, this time two were in person in the boardroom here at the hotel. Finally I've made it to 3:30 and decide to take another shower before speaking with Flynn. I need to clear my head. Usually, I'd use the run to his office to do so from home but today, I need a different avenue. By 3:50 I am dressed in my sweatpants and a t-shirt, ready and waiting for his call, when my cellphone begins to ring. It's an international number, France. That can mean only one thing... Mia. As much as I want to talk to my sister, she'll need to wait until the meeting with Flynn is over, I'd never get her off the phone in time.
"Hello John. How are you today?" I ask as the screen comes to life. John is sitting in his office, behind his desk, which is not a place I ever see him sit in that room.
"I'm doing well Christian. How are you?" The curiosity is evident on his face.
"Well, let's just say a lot has happened since I last talked to you…" I trail off running through the events from the past few weeks in my mind but John quickly brings me back.
"Okay, Christian. Why do you start by telling me what happened? From the beginning." He adds.
I launch into the story chronicling how Ana and I met, how she called me drunk, how I flew her in Charlie Tango, how she saw my playroom, how she was a fucking virgin… That reaction was priceless, John's eyebrows shot up to his hairline and he lost his composure for a moment. Priceless. He's always so put together. How we made love, vanilla. I leave out the details of the rest of our sexual escapades, I'm not sure John needs to hear those right now, and continue on to my choice to introduce Ana to my mother, and my joy in doing so! I tell him how we're in a negotiation right now but the not knowing is eating me alive. Which remind me about my nightmares…
"John, it's amazing how well I sleep when she's next to me. I had a few nightmares but they're usually pretty bearable when she's in my arms. I don't know what to make of it."
"Wow. That's a lot Christian. You say she sleeps in your bed? In your arms? How do you feel about that?"
"Confused. But comfortable. I mean, it's not something I've ever done before, as you know, but with Ana it seems to work for me."
"So… what do you want from Ana?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well you say you want her as a Submissive, but you're doing a lot with her and for her that you wouldn't normally do for any other Submissive. I could list those things off to you but I think you're well aware of what they are. What's different about Anastasia?"
"Everything. She's innocent, beautiful, and she makes me feel…" I pause, struggling for a word to describe it. "…whole." Before I can edit the word, it falls out of my mouth. Whole? I roll the word around my mind, testing it. Flynn stays silent, waiting for me to work out my feelings regarding this thought. I sigh loudly and surrender to the word. "Yes, whole. It's an interesting and completely foreign feeling. I think I could want a different kind of relationship with Ana after the three-month period but I just don't know how to do that? Or what that would look like?"
"Do you expect yourself to know what a relationship would look like outside the BDSM community when it's all you've ever know or wanted?"
"Yes. I do expect that. I know it's irrational. But I'm pulled to this woman in such a visceral way. There's literally a spark of electricity between us when we touch. And when we're in an elevator, Christ, you could probably see it pulsing between us. I lose myself when I'm around her. Lost in a haze but everything also becomes so clear… I don't know. I just want her. I need her. In any way I can get her."
"Since you know that much, the rest is just negotiation and CONVERSATION. Remember, she's not used to a BDSM lifestyle, so you can't railroad her with dominance. It's a conversation. It's a compromise, according to the email she sent you. Just remember to breathe, stay true to wanting her in whatever way possible, and you should be able to continue seeing her."
"Okay. So I'll keep you posted. See you Monday?"
"Yes, Christian. See you Monday."
I click off and run my fists through my hair. I need to gather myself before meeting Ana. I call down to the restaurant and make sure everything is in place and set for her arrival.
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