Thanks for all your fab reviews. You're definitely all way too good to me :) So as a thank you, here's the next installment!
Chapter 21
Stephanie's rhythmic breathing echoed in the silent hospital room. Soft darts of sunlight danced across her face as she slept, illuminating her natural beauty. Paul's facial expression was gentle as he watched her, his big hand smoothing back her hair from her cool forehead. She looked so frail lying against the padded white pillows. Her skin was so pale and dark circles encompassed her eyes. The past couple of days had completely taken its toll on Stephanie and he was just glad she had found some kind of respite, if only for a little while.
Honestly, he actually envied the fact Stephanie had been so exhausted she had succumbed to sleep. It would be a relief to be able to forget the hurt and the pain. And then there was the anger. The anger that was eating him up on the inside, so much so there were times when he felt he was about to explode. But he didn't explode; at least not yet. Not while Stephanie still needed him. She was his only priority and he had to focus on that. He daren't think about Shawn and what he had done because if he even allowed himself one second to dwell on it, his calm façade would crack. And he couldn't let that happen. Not here. Not right now.
Just then Stephanie moaned softly and her head shifted on the pillow. Paul's hand stilled in her hair as he watched her eyelids slowly flutter open and as her blue orbs settled on him, his mouth curved up tenderly.
"Hey you."
"Hey." she breathed as she licked her dry lips. The bed lightly creaked underneath her as she shifted her weight, pushing her body up the pillows. Her blue eyes were concerned as she reached for Paul, her fingers curling around his cheek.
"You look tired Paul. You should try and rest."
He quickly shook his head, his blonde strands shifting across his shoulders as he leant into her touch. "I'm fine. Besides, I don't want to leave you. I want to be here."
"But Paul …"
Paul placed his finger on her lips effectively silencing her. "No arguments Steph. I'm staying here and that's final."
She slowly nodded her head, hearing the strong determination in his voice and that determination was reflected in the expression on his face. Paul wasn't going anywhere and even although she had been trying to persuade him otherwise, she was actually relieved he was staying. The truth was she didn't want him to leave. She needed him far too much. He was her shoulder and her strength.
"So, how are you feeling?" asked Paul as he brought her hand from his face, kissing her palm before intertwining her fingers with his.
As his eyes searched out hers, Stephanie saw the concern that flickered in the deep brown pools and while she hated the fact she was causing him to worry about her, she couldn't disguise her pain or her grief. She couldn't pretend everything was okay when it was anything but. Besides, she had to be honest with him. He deserved that much. And maybe, just maybe, admitting how she felt would eventually help her begin the healing process.
Sighing softly, Stephanie pushed her hair back behind her ear before she lifted her shoulder in a shrug. "I don't know. Sad. Upset. Angry. You name it, I'm feeling it."
She paused as she licked her lips glancing down at the crisp cotton bed sheets.
"But more than any of that I feel guilty." she admitted softly and she briefly closed her eyes as she felt them gloss over with her tears. She blinked them back as she tilted her head to the side and looked at Paul. "I feel like this is whole thing is all my fault. I'm so sorry."
Her voice broke and a shaky breath hitched in her throat as her tears spilled over her lashes. Paul immediately reached for her as he stood up from the chair, wrapping his arms around her and holding her tightly. Stephanie buried her face in his neck, her arm gripping around his waist as he sat next to her on the bed.
"Sshhhh." he hushed, trying his best to soothe her as he rocked her. His lips brushed over her temple as his fingers threaded through her hair.
"Don't you even think of blaming yourself, Steph. I won't let you."
She immediately lifted her head and her big sad blue eyes sought out his.
"But it is my fault, Paul." she sniffed. "This whole mess is my fault."
She hiccupped with her tears as the pad of his thumb tenderly wiped at her wet cheeks.
"We both know that if it wasn't for me being such a damn coward and being too scared to call off the wedding to Shawn, none of this would have happened. None of it! But now I've hurt you, I've hurt Shawn and now I've lost the baby. An innocent life is gone because I was far too gutless to make the right decision."
Stephanie felt her stomach ache as the tears slipped down her face and she immediately looked away but Paul's fingers tucked under her chin, lifting it up and deliberately forcing her eyes to reluctantly meet his.
"I'm not letting you do this, Stephanie." he told her sternly. "I'm not letting you blame yourself. You've done nothing wrong, do you hear me? Nothing! It's not your fault the baby died."
Paul immediately hugged her to him and closed his eyes. He could feel his stomach twisting in knots as he tried not to think about the person who was responsible for the loss of their child. He just couldn't let himself go there. Instead he had to focus on Stephanie. She needed him and she was the one thing that mattered to him right now.
Burying his face in her hair, he pulled her closer but jumped slightly startled when he heard the door open. His lips curled into a scowl at the interruption however his face immediately softened when he saw Melissa's head pop through. He smiled at her gesturing for her to come in.
Her footsteps were slow as she approached the bed placing down the bag she was carrying with her. "I'm so sorry Paul." she hushed, lightly touching his arm.
He briefly nodded, pressing his lips together in a composed, tight smile. He felt Stephanie move away from him, lifting her head at the sound of her best friend's voice. His big hand rubbed her arm reassuringly as Melissa approached her.
Her slender hand sought out Stephanie's.
"I know it's probably a really stupid question right now but how are you?"
Stephanie's lips trembled with her smile. "I'm coping, I guess."
She cleared her throat as her hand wiped at her cheek. She felt the mattress move underneath her as Paul stood up from the bed.
"Listen, I'll let you two catch up." he smiled, raking his long fingers through his limp blonde strands. His expression was tender as he squeezed Stephanie's hand.
"I'll go and get some coffee or something. Anybody want one?"
Stephanie shook her head while Melissa screwed up her face.
"You have tasted the coffee in here, haven't you?"
Paul chuckled as he adjusted the bottom hem of his t-shirt. "No, I haven't. I guess I'll be sticking to the water then."
Melissa grinned as Paul disappeared through the doorway. As she sat down in the chair next to Stephanie, she saw her friend's eyes still watching him as he passed by the small window.
"Paul has been so amazing since we got here."
Her gaze lingered a second longer before she slowly turned her head, her lips upturned in the faintest of smiles.
"You know I think this is the first time he's left my side."
Melissa smiled back as she leant forward clasping Stephanie's hand in hers. "I'm just glad you've got him to help you get through this, Steph. And you will, you know. Get through it."
Stephanie slowly nodded. "I know. I just…"
She paused hearing Paul's words echo in her mind knowing they were probably true but at this moment they were doing very little to absolve her own conscience.
"I just can't help feeling so guilty about everything." she finished.
As soon as the words had left her mouth, she saw Melissa's mouth part to interrupt and she held her hand up effectively stopping her.
"Don't. I know what you're going to say. You're going to tell me it's not my fault but I can't help it Mel. I may not be responsible for losing the baby but I sure as hell am responsible for hurting Shawn enough to make him act the way he did. Because that's not him, Mel. I've changed him. I've broken him."
Tears sprung to her eyes once more as images came flooding at her, images that forced her to remember everything. Everything she desperately wanted to forget.
"Oh Mel, what have I done?" she whispered.
Melissa said nothing as she stood up and pulling Stephanie to her, she let her cry. While it was killing her to see her friend upset, she knew it was the best thing for her. She needed to let it all out instead of bottling it all up inside. Stephanie was strong; a fighter. She would get through this somehow especially with someone like Paul by her side. He loved her and that was all she needed. And hopefully through time she'd realise that no-one else but Shawn was responsible for what had happened to her and her baby. He was the only one to blame and God help him once Paul got his hands on him.
Paul placed his money in the machine and as his thick fingers awkwardly stabbed at the small buttons, he jumped when he felt a hand slap his shoulder. Spinning on his heel, he saw Kevin smiling at him and he shook his head.
"Jesus Christ, Kev! Are you trying to scare the crap out of me?"
"Sorry man." he smiled.
But his smile faded as he shifted his feet awkwardly and looked at Paul. He could see the sad expression on his friend's face and the dark circles that encompassed his tired eyes.
"Listen, I heard about the baby. Honestly, I don't know what to say."
"There's nothing to say. Not really."
Paul sighed as he lifted the bottle of water from the machine. He focused on the drink in his hand as he lifted his shoulder in a shrug.
"I guess it still feels like none of this is real. It's like I'm walking around in this haze and I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and realise this whole thing is nothing but a bad dream."
He paused for a beat as he felt his chest ache. It was an ache that reminded him this was anything but a dream. In fact, it was all a big horrible, fucked up nightmare.
"But it's not is it?"
He slowly lifted his head and Kevin saw the hurt and pain deeply etched in his face. Unsure what to say to him, he shook his head and awkwardly raked his fingers through his hair.
"How's Stephanie doing?" he asked.
"Not good. She's determined to blame herself for what's happened."
"But that's crazy. These things are no-one's fault, you know."
Kevin felt his words lodge in his throat as he saw the anger that flashed across Paul's eyes before he began to fidget with the bottle of water in his hand.
"I'm going to head back to Stephanie's room. Are you coming?"
Kevin looked at his friend strangely, knowing him and sensing something was obviously wrong.
"Paul, what's going on?" he asked.
Paul quickly shook his head. "Not now Kev. Later."
He spun around and started to walk along the corridor unaware that Kevin was following on behind him looking troubled and worried. But Kevin was the last thing on his mind as he approached Stephanie's room and the dark haunted expression he wore suddenly lifted as he forced a bright smile on his face. The smile was directed at Stephanie as he walked into the room and he was happy to see she had stopped crying. Her tears earlier had all but broken his heart, killing him on the inside.
"I've found a stray outside." he winked at her. "I felt sorry for him and told him he could come in."
Stephanie glanced curiously at the door and as she watched Kevin walk through, she felt the uneasiness begin to slip under her skin. She smiled at him awkwardly not sure what else to do as her fingers nervously clutched at her sheets. It wasn't that she wasn't pleased to see him. She was and she was glad he was here for Paul's sake more than anything else. He needed the support. God knows she was too much of a mess to be there for him. But she was still feeling somewhat uncomfortable about the whole Shawn situation and last time she and Kevin had talked, he had been less than happy with her. She couldn't blame him though. She had more than deserved his anger and then some.
But as Kevin approached the bed, it was as if he sensed her nervousness and an easy smile crossed his face as he lifted his hand in a wave. "Hey Steph. I hope you don't mind but I thought you could use the company. Paul tends gets a bit boring after a while."
Stephanie's lips curved up into a genuine smile. "I don't know about that. Paul could never be boring to me.
"Give it time. Then you'll know what I'm talking about."
He bent down to kiss Stephanie's cheek and as he looked up, he noticed the pretty blonde sitting on the opposite side of the bed. He nodded in her direction unaware that Paul was watching him.
His friend smiled as he saw Kevin's gaze linger on Melissa and he slapped his shoulder affectionately. "Let me introduce you, big man. Kev, the pretty girl over there is Melissa. Melissa, this is Kev, my not so pretty best friend."
Melissa laughed as she nodded at Kevin. "It's nice to put a face to the voice."
Paul's brow crinkled curiously as he glanced between them. "And when did you two talk to one another?"
"About an hour or so ago." shrugged Kevin. "You'd left your phone at the apartment and when I called it, Melissa answered and told me what had happened."
At this point Kevin looked over at Stephanie and his expression softened as he smiled at her apologetically.
"I'm so sorry about the baby Steph."
"I know." she smiled and letting out a calming breath, she reached across to find Paul's hand. She clasped it tightly as he sat beside her on the bed and looking at Kevin, she decided to bite the bullet and ask a question that had been hovering at the back of her mind since he had walked in the room.
"Kevin, do you know if Shawn is at home? I need to talk to him."
Her words still hung in the air as Paul instantly let go of her hand and stood up from the bed again. His brown eyes flashed dark with his anger as he glared at her, making her suddenly feel a little cold and frightened.
"Why the hell would you want to talk to him?"
Stephanie could hear the fury in his voice and honestly, she knew she couldn't blame him for it. Paul was hurt and upset but at the same time, he surely had to understand that despite everything, Shawn deserved to know the truth. After all, the baby could have been his flesh and blood; a part of him.
Licking her dry lips, Stephanie's blue eyes stared up at him. "He needs to know Paul." she told him softly. "After all, the baby could have been his. I think I should tell him what's happened."
Paul's loud snort echoed around the silent hospital room. "I think he knows what he's done Steph. After all, it was him that fucking put you here in the first place."
His words made Kevin's face crumple in shock and he quickly grasped Paul's arm, whipping him round to face him.
"What do you mean? What did Shawn do?"
Paul's brown eyes were hard and cold as they glared back at him. "Shawn killed our child."
"He didn't mean to, Paul. It was an accident."
Paul spun round and stared at Stephanie with disbelief in his eyes.
"What! Why are you defending him, Steph? He hit you then threw you against a desk for fuck sake! He knew what he was doing."
He tried to ignore the tears that spilled down her cheeks as she shook her head.
"No, Paul. Shawn wouldn't have done it deliberately."
"Oh yes he fucking would."
"Why? Why would he put his own baby's life in jeopardy?"
"Because the baby wasn't his, okay? That's why I know that what he did to you was no fucking accident."
Stephanie's face crumbled in front of him and suddenly all his pain and his anger bubbled to the surface. Looking around the room, he began to feel stifled as he slowly backed away, feeling the overwhelming need to just get out. He had to. He was about to explode and the last thing he wanted to do was take it all out on Stephanie. God knows, she'd been through enough already.
Without saying a word, he opened the door and walked out into the corridor. He could sense Kevin following behind him and he quickly turned round holding up his hand to stop him.
"Just leave me alone, Kev. I fucking mean it."
Kevin shook his head. "I can't. Not when you're upset like this."
"Please." Paul paused as he swallowed hard, pushing back the hot lump in his throat. He looked at his friend, his brown eyes pleading for him to understand.
"I just need to be on my own for a bit. I promise I'll come back."
Kevin hesitated seeing the pain in his face not wanting to leave his friend alone but at the same time knowing from personal experience that sometimes you just needed that space to deal with it all. He eventually touched Paul's shoulder and nodded.
"Just promise me you won't do anything stupid."
"I promise. I just need to try and clear my head Kev."
Kevin squeezed his arm and Paul felt his eyes gloss over. He quickly turned away and his vision was blurred as he made his way to the elevator. It wasn't until he got outside and found some privacy in the hospital gardens that he finally allowed the tears to fall. They rolled freely down his cheeks as he thought about the child he had lost; the tiny life he'd wanted more than anything. It had been a part of him; a part of Stephanie and ever since he had met her, he'd allowed himself to hope for the family he had always wanted. A family he had only ever wanted with her. And for a brief moment he had had it. But now it had been cruelly taken away from him by a man he once considered his best friend. God, everything was such a mess and he really was struggling to find a way to cope with it all. But two things were certain. One, he and Stephanie would find a way through this together. And two, Shawn was going to pay and he was going to pay badly for what he had done.
Stephanie's sobs echoed in the small hospital room. Kevin shifted awkwardly on the seat, raking his fingers through his hair as he watched Melissa try her best to console her friend. Stephanie had been shocked at Paul's outburst but he wasn't. It had only been inevitable that his friend would lose it the second she had mentioned Shawn. Paul was so hurt and angry and rightfully so. It just made him sick to know things had gone this far and the truth was he couldn't help but feel just the tiniest bit guilty every time he thought about it. After all, he had to accept blame for at least part of this whole mess. He had known about pretty much everything yet he had kept it to himself. Maybe if had found the guts to tell Shawn about Paul and Stephanie in the first place, none of this would be happening right now. Or maybe he should have told Paul about the baby when he had first found out. Perhaps things might have turned out differently. Perhaps he wouldn't be sitting here now listening to Stephanie's heart break. But like Paul's anger, her tears had been inevitable. The whole situation had been a disaster from start to finish and had been made even worse by the secrecy and the lies. And besides, all the maybes in the world weren't going to change what had happened today.
Sighing heavily, Kevin lifted his head. His facial expression softened as he watched Stephanie wipe at her face, her shoulders shuddering with her shaky breaths. Her red-rimmed eyes stared back at him as she bit down on the inside of her lip taking a second to compose herself.
"Paul will be okay, won't he?" she asked him eventually.
Kevin nodded and quickly gave her a small smile in some attempt to try and reassure her. "He just needed some time to get his head together. He's had a lot to deal with. You both have."
Stephanie's lips twitched in agreement as her head flopped back against the pillows.
"I just wish he'd understand about Shawn though. I mean, no-one is angrier than I am about what he's done to us. But the baby…."
She paused as she pressed her lips together and glanced down at her hands as her fingers twisted at the material of the white sheet.
"The baby could have been his." she said softly. "Shawn wouldn't deliberately harm his own child."
Her words made the knot in his stomach twist even more tightly and right then and there Kevin made the decision to end the lies. He was so sick and tired of them. Not only that, they had brought nothing but pain and heartache. He needed to put things right for his own sake as much as his friends. Call it his act of contrition for his involvement in the whole damn mess.
"Stephanie, Shawn wasn't the father." he told her.
She lifted her head and her confused blue eyes stared back at him.
"Paul was." he admitted.
"But how? How can you and Paul be so sure?"
Kevin glanced briefly at the floor before looking back at her, sure he was doing the right thing by telling her the truth. "Stephanie, Shawn is infertile."
Her mouth parted in stunned amazement as her head lightly shook in disbelief. "He….he can't be. Surely he would have told me something like that?
"I guess he was scared of losing you. I know he had planned to tell you after the wedding but for some reason, it just didn't happen."
Stephanie's mind was in a spin as she tried to absorb everything Kevin was telling her.
"See, Shawn had cancer when he was younger. The chemotherapy made him infertile. Paul and I have known for years. We didn't have a clue that you didn't know."
Her eyes narrowed in his direction. "Paul knew?"
Kevin slowly nodded his head.
"So why didn't he tell me about Shawn when he found out I was pregnant?"
He sighed lifting his shoulder in a shrug. "He felt he owed it to Shawn to let him tell you the truth. I guess he thought it would ease his guilt a little."
"I just can't believe it." sighed Stephanie. "God, everything is such a mess and it's all my fault…"
Her words fell away as Melissa looked sternly at her friend. "Stop blaming yourself for everything, Steph. It's not going to change anything."
"Melissa is right and I'll bet Paul has told you the same thing."
Stephanie looked at Kevin and slowly nodded.
"Well then maybe you should start listening to us instead of beating yourself up about something that just isn't your fault."
Kevin was about to say something else when he noticed the door open and relief washed through him when he watched Paul walk through. He couldn't help but notice the rawness of his eyes and although he hated seeing him like this, he was also glad his friend had managed to let some of his emotion out. It didn't do any good bottling these things up. He should know. He'd been there, done that and even bought the t-shirt. Paul couldn't afford to become the messed up wreck he had been when his wife had left him. He needed to be strong for Stephanie. She was going to rely on him and look to his strength to get through this. And they would get through this. It was just going to take time to heal.
As he noticed Paul hover awkwardly by the doorway, he smirked at him as he stood up from his chair. "I see the wanderer returns. I was just about to come and look for your sorry ass."
In spite of himself, Paul's lips curved into a smile. He could always rely on Kevin to lighten the mood no matter how crap he felt or how nervous he felt about coming back here. "Yeah, well I saved you the journey big man. Although, judging by that gut you've developed, you could have probably used the exercise."
"Hardy har har Levesque."
Out of the corner of his eye, Kevin saw Stephanie watching Paul anxiously. They had yet to make eye contact and he decided it was time to make himself scarce and let them sort things out privately. He looked over at Melissa and smiled. "Melissa, do you fancy joining me for a coffee?"
Melissa nodded and smiled at him gratefully. "Sure. Let me grab my bag."
"Gee, some date you are. A lousy fifty cent hospital coffee?"
Kevin playfully punched Paul's arm as he passed by him. "Shut up Levesque. Besides, it's at least seventy cents. Speaking of which, have you got any change?"
Paul laughed and pushed him towards the door. "Get out of here."
He watched the door close over behind them before letting out a slow breath. He stuffed his hands in his jeans pockets and turned towards Stephanie. His brown eyes looked around the room awkwardly as he stood there not really sure what to say. He felt guilty about their argument but he wasn't prepared just to sit and listen to a bunch of crap about Shawn either. Christ, every time he thought about the guy he felt sick to his stomach.
"I'm sorry Paul."
He finally looked at Stephanie, surprised and touched by her apology. Her face wore a concerned expression as she tucked her brown strands behind her ear. Her eyes were red and puffy and he immediately felt bad knowing he had upset her enough that she had been crying over it. God knows she had shed enough tears without shedding any more over him. Shuffling his feet underneath him, he offered her a contrite smile.
"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have shouted at you like that."
Stephanie immediately shook her head. "No. Don't. You've nothing to apologise for Paul. You had every right to be angry at what I said especially knowing Shawn isn't the father."
Paul stared back at her, stunned as he realised that Kevin must have told her about Shawn's infertility. He wondered why being they had agreed to leave that to Shawn. But then again, why should they owe him any loyalty now, especially after what he had done.
"Kevin told me about Shawn's infertility. I can't believe he kept it a secret."
Paul shrugged his shoulders awkwardly, pressing his lips together for a moment, trying his best to suppress the rage he felt every time he thought about his former friend. "He was scared of losing you Steph. I can understand it even although I don't agree with it."
"I guess so." she sighed softly. "But I'm just glad I know the truth now and I can make a clean break from him and our marriage."
"Good."
Removing his hands from his jeans, Paul took the chair next to the bed. Stephanie immediately reached for him, covering his hand with hers. As their fingers slid together, he gazed at them absently, his face softening as his thumb traced her soft skin.
"You know while I was outside, I did a lot of thinking about us."
He glanced up and immediately saw the trepidation in Stephanie's beautiful face. He quickly smiled to reassure her as he gently squeezed her fingers.
"When you get out of here, I want you to think about coming home with me. I mean it will give you a chance to get away from here and everything that's happened even for a little while."
Stephanie's lips trembled with her relief knowing Paul still wanted to be with her. Despite knowing he loved her, she had been afraid that after everything he might be having doubts about them and their relationship.
"There's nothing to think about. I'd love to come with you Paul. I really would." she told him. She smiled as he lifted their joined hands and she felt his lips brush over her knuckles.
"Good. It could be like a fresh start for us you know, a chance to be together and really get to know one another."
He sighed as he sat back in his chair, his left hand raking through his blonde strands.
"I guess I just want to do this properly, Steph. I feel like this whole relationship between you and me has been tarnished from the start with all the hurt and the lies."
Stephanie felt the hot lump in her throat and she swallowed thickly as tears sprung to her eyes once more.
"I'm so sorry, Paul. If it wasn't for my dishonesty from the start, none of this would be happening."
Paul shook his head sternly. "I told you Steph. No more placing blame. Not where you and I are concerned."
He got up from the chair and the bed lightly creaked underneath his weight as he sat beside Stephanie on the bed. He wrapped his arm around her and she rested her head on his shoulder breathing him in.
"We're going to get through this baby. I promise."
Her lips curved into a shaky smile as she felt him kiss the top of her head. Suddenly she didn't doubt that they would find a way through this. She knew she was so lucky to have Paul. With him by her side, she felt like anything was possible.
"So it looks like my friend likes your friend." said Paul.
Stephanie snorted with laughter in spite of herself. She lifted her head to look at Paul and she leant into him as his hand gently stroked her face.
"I'm glad I got to see that smile of yours again." he said, his thumb tracing over chin.
He kissed her softly before pulling her into his arms and holding her close.
"Everything is going to be okay Stephanie. We just have to give it time but I promise you, things will get better."
Stephanie closed her eyes and sighed softly as she buried her face in his chest. She knew Paul was right. Even although the pain of their loss was still fresh, at least she could still see a glimmer of hope for the future. A future that included her and Paul together no matter what and that's more than she could have ever hoped for. It was all she wanted.