Be strong and hold my hand

Jack turned the key in the hole, humming some old song – unless it was one from the future – and smiling at the idea of seeing Ianto. He had grown attached to the man in a short amount of time, and everyday just confirmed his doubts: he was slowly falling for him, but he was happy. There was still so much Ianto didn't know, and Jack wanted to tell him. He wanted to admit he couldn't die, that he was a fixed point in time, that he was in love. But he didn't say anything, because he didn't want to scare Ianto off. Too many before had tortured him, killed him, abandoned him, insulted him...

Of course, if most of them had been like The Master (calling him a freak, killing him over and over), some had stayed. But they never had accepted it. He didn't want to take the risk but at the same time he wanted to see Ianto's reaction. He didn't want him to find out one day by seeing him die. Jack didn't want to die in front of Ianto.

He figured that as long as they were happy like this, things could keep going his way. And they were happy. Even if Ianto seemed a bit off lately. He had mostly been for the past month but maybe it was his job. It was taking most of his time, and he was way over-qualified for the job. Not that Ianto cared. He was doing some manual work at a big warehouse, and Jack had learnt that Ianto hadn't found a better job just because each time he had set a foot in a building with more than two flights, he had felt sick. And that was only when he had actually managed to get in. So he had taken the first job he could. And he seemed okay with it. He was doing something with his life, at least. And he sometimes joked about how it allowed him to make sports at the same time – which Jack usually replied to with an innuendo about how they were doing sports. The conversation usually ended there but Jack could tell there was something else, even if he couldn't tell what. And it wasn't him being paranoid. At least, Jack hoped so.

"Ianto?" Jack called from the corridor when he entered. "I'm home," he added when nobody answered. "You there?"

He sighed and checked the bedroom, in case Ianto was resting. He wasn't and Jack pouted. He had hoped to see the man, and Ianto was supposed to be there as he had finished work more than two hours earlier. Maybe he was just out for some groceries. Or at his local.

Jack contemplated the idea of sending him a text, but he didn't and decided that sinking in the couch and watching TV was a good alternative while waiting for Ianto.

He didn't make it to the couch.

Ianto was lying on the ground, not moving.

Jack felt his heart breaking and sank on his knees near Ianto, checking with a shaking hand his pulse. The amount of relief he felt when he found a low and irregular pulse worried him but he didn't have time for this. Ianto was barely breathing and his skin was cold and dry.

Jack panicked again when he saw the broken needle inside Ianto's arm. He didn't need a bloody needle to guess what had happened, but it allowed him to focus and be really sure that Ianto was doing an overdose.

"What have you done?" He whispered even though Ianto couldn't hear him.

Talking made him realise that he needed to do something. Something else that looking shocked. He dialled Owen's number quickly.

"What's the emergency?" Owen asked instantly, knowing that Jack could only call him for something urgent.

"The Hub, ASAP," Jack said without a moment of hesitation. "Coke overdose," he added to give Owen an idea of what he would have to deal with.

Jack hung up before Owen could answer and stared at Ianto, suddenly at loss. He wiped his tears away and focused on Ianto, on saving Ianto. He knew moving him wasn't the best of ideas, but he also knew the Hub with Dr. Owen Harper was the best place in the world to help someone. He carried Ianto carefully, the man a dead weight in his arms, and put him in the SUV, driving like a mad man. He arrived in 15 minutes instead of 30.

Owen was already there, waiting, and took Ianto without complaining or saying anything, which Jack was thankful for. He didn't want to explain to Owen what had happened, especially because he had no bloody idea of what had happened for Ianto to take too much cocaine.

He had a job, he had a steady life, he hadn't even touched drugs that much for a long time. He still smoked, but he had far less time to shoot drugs into his veins. Jack knew he hadn't stopped, but he also knew he didn't consume as much as before. Apparently he had been wrong. And it felt like a treason.

People worried about being cheating on, but Jack truly didn't care and took that as the highest treason possible. Ianto didn't trust him enough to come and talk and would rather kill himself taking drugs than face the problem with Jack.

Of course, it could have been an accident. But, as much as Jack hated to admit it, Ianto knew oh too well what he was doing when taking drugs, and it couldn't be an accident. He hadn't taken drugs to get high. He had taken them to kill himself. And that broke Jack's heart even more.

Sitting with Ianto once he was stabilised was tough. Jack was bad at waiting, he always ended up self-pitying or overthinking... or pacing impatiently. He had done everything possible during the night. He had sat next to Ianto, then on the few stairs, then had stood at his feet, then had put his forehead against Ianto's to cry, then had paced around the improvised bed, then had sat against the wall...

He wanted Ianto to wake up, to explain what had happened, he wanted to understand why. But he knew it would hurt.

When Tosh brought him a cup of hot coffee in the morning, he knew he had to get to work but he didn't move. He took a sip of coffee and winced because it wasn't Ianto's coffee. He didn't touch the cup any more and left it on a table, even if he appreciated Tosh's gesture. He had asked Owen to tell Gwen to stay at home – no need for an endless list of questions that would make Jack feel guilty – and had allowed the man to sleep a bit more, telling him to come when he was rested. Owen had waved him off by saying he had a patient to take care of, and in the end it was a miracle he even had gone home for the night. Jack was thankful for his time alone with Ianto, though. Even if he was unconscious.

Tosh didn't say anything, didn't ask and didn't complain. She worked alone, and she didn't even expect Jack to be working. She really was an asset for Torchwood. They all were, of course, but Tosh was different. She understood him better than the others did and even when she defied Jack's decisions, she has a different way of telling him. And she was a genius, truly. Even Jack's trained 51st century mind couldn't keep up with her babbling.

Owen coming in cut his thoughts and Jack looked up with tired eyes, hoping for good news. It was stupid, because Jack had been the one sitting with Ianto the whole night, not Owen, but still...

Owen smiled to him and got to work, checking Ianto, his blood pressure, his pulse, his state. Jack followed his every movement, biting his hands in stress.

"You should shower," Owen said when he was done.

Jack frowned. "How is he?" He asked, ignoring Owen's advice.

"Fine, he should wake up soon."

"Then I'm staying."

"Jack," Owen rolled his eyes. Too much like Ianto did. "He won't wake up that early, just go take a shower and a nap."

"I'm fine," Jack shrugged.

"Oh for fuck's sake Jack you stink, just go shower, he won't die in the meantime!"

Jack looked at him, his mouth opened in a comeback he still was looking for. Owen grunted and walked away, thanking loudly Tosh who gave him a coffee.

Jack sighed and looked down to stare at Ianto's peaceful face for a while. He had never seen the man that quite and relaxed. He hadn't really watched him sleep, to be honest. Not that he didn't care, or thought it was creepy. No, he actually quite like it usually, but with Ianto he slept more than necessary, and when he didn't sleep, well, he was busying himself in other ways. Not that Ianto was complaining.

The thought made Jack smile, then laugh, and he quickly nervously sobbed. He ran his hand in Ianto's hair and kissed his forehead, whispering a prayer that almost got lost because of his voice breaking.

He quickly straightened and wiped his tears away. He hadn't lost Ianto, he wouldn't lose him, so why on Earth and other planets was he crying?

When Jack stepped out of the medical bay to listen to Owen and shower, Tosh smiled at him and Owen nodded.

"Don't leave him alone," Jack ordered before retreating to his office.

When he came back, Owen was gone, and Tosh was working on her laptop in the medical bay.

"Owen's buying lunch," she said, not looking away from her screen. "Come a sec."

Jack looked at Ianto briefly then back at Tosh and nodded, coming behind her to look.

"What is it?"

"Local newspaper. Well, local from Newport."

"Why Newport?"

"He grew up there," she said, pointing at Ianto. Jack frowned.

"What did you find?"

"His mother. She died yesterday," she said. "He probably learnt it."

"So he took too much...?"

"I don't know, was he close to his mother?"

"I... he... I have no idea," Jack whispered, letting his head fall to his chest. Did he really know Ianto that well? "I guess."

"She probably embodied something. Like his last connection to childhood."

"He's got his sister," Jack shook his head.

"That's not the same."

"I guess it's not... but why do this? I mean... he seemed okay," Jack whispered, knowing his voice would give too much away if he spoke any louder.

"It doesn't mean anything, Jack. And what do you think? He survived Canary Wharf and he survived... being a survivor, do you think he shows what he really feels? You of all people should know that no matter how fine you look, you can be the most broken man on Earth."

Jack sighed, knowing Tosh was talking about Ianto but also himself. And it was true, Jack was the perfect example when it came to hiding feelings. But thinking that Ianto had felt bad to the point of doing an overdose without Jack noticing anything hurt a bit. He wondered if he had ever been attentive to Ianto.

"It's not your fault," Tosh smiled. "And you saved him."

"Yeah but what if I hadn't come?" Jack asked absently.

He knew it was stupid to think of what might have happened, he knew he shouldn't, but thinking that he could have come later and found Ianto, dead, broke his heart. He had been lucky to find him on time, but Jack couldn't shake off the idea of Ianto dying. He knew it would happen, but he now knew for sure it would hurt. He had grown attached to Ianto and it was too late to step back. He wanted the man to live a long life, he wanted to enjoy as much as he could a life by his side. Jack was in too deep.

"But you were there. Don't blame yourself, Jack. Ianto's fine."

Tosh smiled to Jack, who nodded. He moved to sat next to Ianto again.

Owen came back with food quickly and Tosh joined him to eat but Jack shook his head, saying he wasn't hungry. He just stayed by Ianto's side, waiting for him to open his eyes.

(Title from the song The Light Behind Your Eyes by My Chemical Romance)

Oops. Yes, I did that.

Thank you for following, as always, and I hope you still like this fic! :)