Chapter 21

Four days in the NICU and Liam was ready to go stay in the room with Piper. If he did well there for a couple of nights, he would be ready to go home. Piper was worried he would be discharged before she was. She began running a fever two nights ago and was taking antibiotics and was told she may have to stay even longer to insure everything was alright and there wasn't a serious infection of some sort trying to set itself up. She had had to stay away from Liam while she was running a fever and it killed her. It also made her restless and moody. She was a bitch to everyone and felt bad about it, but she couldn't help it. She just wanted to be with him.

Alex had been amazing though. Piper pumped as much as she could and Alex took it down at each feeding time and fed him for her. She took tons of pictures and remembered every detail to tell her. Polly visited often throughout the day, bringing her things from home she wanted along with magazines and some books. Cal and Neri had gone back to the woods when they realized Piper was going to be ok, but she spoke to them through text often and Cal called her at night. Her dad came by daily and sat with her. Sometimes he read to her, sometimes he told her stories of when her parents first brought her home from the hospital. Those stories made her heart ache for her own mother. A part of her wanted to give in and call her, ask her to come meet Liam. She would never do that without Alex present and she knew her mother wouldn't come if Alex was going to be there, so she let the thoughts go. She and Alex decided to wait until Liam was out of the NICU to introduce him to anyone else.

Nicky and Lorna had flowers and a huge teddy bear sent to her room. They also had dinner sent every night, which was awesome because hospital food was only a small notch above prison food and that wasn't saying much. They had visited once and told them they would see them when they all got home. Nicky was basically running the gallery right now and Lorna was helping out when she could. Poussey called her and sent regards from Taystee, Watson and Cindy. Piper thanked her for staying that first night. Poussey played it off and said it was the least she could do to keep Taystee out of jail again.

Piper did everything she was supposed to do. She forced food down her throat, she rested, she walked. She refused pain medication even though her body screamed by the end of the day. Alex worried that she was pushing herself too hard but she didn't say anything. Piper seemed to pull her in and then push her away. She never knew what approach to take with her. One minute she needed Alex and was leaning on her, the next she was telling Alex to go away. It hurt. Alex just wanted to be there and be whatever Piper needed. Polly told her not to worry too much about it, part of it was hormones and part of it was Piper's guilt but most of it was Piper just being Piper. They both knew Piper would deal with all that happened in stages and for the most part, she would act tough.

"Be patient with her Alex. She will open up all the way and she will break and you need to be there to catch her. I promise, most of this is normal for a new mother and all of it is normal for Piper. We went through this for months and months when she came home from Europe after she left you the first time. We even did this when she got out of prison and had to leave you behind. She turns to you because it's her natural reaction; she pushes you away because she isn't ready to deal with the guilt and sadness." Polly told her.

Alex wasn't so sure, but she kept her thoughts to herself and tried to take Polly's advice to heart. Be patient. She could do that. She'd had years to learn how to do that at Litchfield, both with Piper in prison with her and then when she left. Shaking her head, she went to go sit with Liam. As long as everything went ok with Piper today, he would be coming to stay with them in Piper's room tonight. Alex was nervous. It was easy to be with him and take care of him when he was in NICU surrounded by nurses who could jump in at any time. This was one step closer to home and one inch closer to Liam depending completely on her and Piper.

Entering the NICU, she saw streamers and a balloon attached to Liam's bassinet. Smiling and laughing, Alex went to her little man and picked him up. "Hey handsome, Mama missed you. You see all this? All this is for you I think. I bet they are just as excited as we are that you get to spend the night with us tonight. No shenanigans though, let's keep the next couple nights on the DL, deal?"

A nurse came up and lightly hugged Alex from the side. "You are going to do wonderfully. If you run into any problems, just hit the call button and someone will come. I suspect that between the two of you, all bases will be covered though." She told Alex, giving her a wink.

"Thank you. Thank you so much for everything, Sandra. Piper and I couldn't have done this without all of you. You'll never know how much we appreciate it." Alex said to the nurse.

"Oh, get out of here! I love what I do. The three of you have been a blessing to all of us back here. There's true love between you; it's not something we see often these days."

Alex smiled at her again. The nurse went off to check on another baby and Alex sat with Liam and began rocking him. She patted his bottom and started talking to him. Before she knew it, she was pouring her heart out to him. "I'm so scared that Mommy won't be the same anymore Liam. I try so hard to do what she needs, but it never seems right. The push and shove is exhausting and it's getting to me. I worry that I'll say the wrong thing and I worry I'm not saying enough of the right things. Aunt Polly says to give her time and be patient. I'm going to try, I really am. But knowing your Mommy, I'm going to have to push her over the limit to get her to really talk to me and be honest with me. And I'm scared of what she will have to say to me. I'm scared I won't know what to say back to her." Alex talked to Liam for over an hour about everything. She felt better after doing so. 'Maybe this is how I'll keep my shit together' she thought to herself. Liam started squirming and rooting so Alex asked for a bottle. After feeding him, she put him on her shoulder to burp him. That's when she noticed Polly standing off to the side, watching her.

"Hey you, how long have you been there?" she asked her

"Long enough. Piper is asking for you. Listen Alex" Polly said, taking Liam from her. "I don't think any of us have stopped to think about how all this has affected you and I'm sorry. You're world was flipped upside down too. I guess we were all just so scared for Piper that…no that's shit. Listen, I'm just sorry, ok? I'm here if you need to talk or anything. I told you the first night I wasn't going to let you go through this alone and I meant it. I'm here for whatever you may need, ok?"

"Thanks but I'm fine Polly. I just worry about Piper, is all." Alex told her.

"I don't think so, but whatever you say. You better go see Piper before she throws another fit. I think she's nervous about Liam staying tonight. I'm gonna visit with Liam for a little bit then I'm heading out. Alex, call me if you need anything. Either of you, but you especially. Now go." Polly said.

Dismissed, Alex went back to Piper's room. "Hey Kid" she said opening and closing the door behind her. "Polly said you wanted me? What's up?"

"I want a shower Alex. The nurse said this morning I could take a real one as long as my fever didn't come back and my incision wasn't inflamed. She came to check a little bit ago and said everything looked good. I'm so tired of whore baths. Help me shower, please?" Piper asked her

Swallowing and nodding, Alex told her she would. Helping her from the bed, she led Piper to the bathroom. Turning on the water to heat, she turned to Piper to help her take her gown off. Easing it over her head, she dropped the gown to the floor. Bending slightly, she gently pulled her underwear down her legs. Piper kept her head down. Alex put her fingers under her chin and lifted her face. "Hey, what is it?"

Piper averted her eyes and looked around the room before connecting eyes with Alex again. Tears began to gather in her eyes. "I don't want you to look. It's ugly. I have stretch marks. I'm ugly now Al."

"Piper…no…come here!" Alex said, grabbing Piper and hugging her close. She held her for a long time, the steam from the shower enveloping them. Piper was slow in hugging Alex back but when she did, Alex whispered in her ear. "You are beautiful to me. The marks from our son only make you more beautiful in my eyes. If you aren't ready for me to look, I won't. When you're ready, I'll look and I'll show you exactly how beautiful you are to me."

With tears still in her eyes, Piper kissed Alex's neck. Leaving her lips there for a second longer than necessary, she breathed in the scent that was purely Alex. She felt herself start to relax and some of her fears started to wash away. Really holding Alex for the first time since she gave birth to Liam, she was reminded of all the reasons she loved this woman so much. Alex would hold her through the worst of this. She wouldn't let her fail. She would be there. Piper just had to let her be.

Pulling away from Alex, Piper stepped around her and adjusted the water to a temperature she could tolerate then got into the shower. She asked Alex to help her and Alex took off her clothes and joined her. She washed Piper with care, taking her time to rub some of the tension and fatigue from Piper's body. She stayed behind her so she wouldn't see Piper's stomach. She washed and conditioned Piper's hair. When she finished, she slowly pulled Piper back against her and held her as the warm water washed over them both. She kept her arms crossed over Piper's chest and held onto her arms. "Here you are safe. Here you can let it all go, you can be anything you need to be. No pretending, no compromising. Just you and me Kid."