Chapter Twenty-One

It felt strange, starting the day knowing that it was his last day inside. After their somewhat revealing talk, Brendan and Ray found themselves walking towards the hall for breakfast in silence, both clearly in contemplative moods. Brendan glanced over at Ray now and again, unsure of how to broach an appropriate topic of conversation. It wasn't quite awkward because what was there to be awkward about? If Ray had told Brendan he loved him, and Brendan hadn't felt anything akin to such feelings in return, things would certainly have been very uncomfortable. But that wasn't the case.

Stephen had once told Brendan that he was incapable of love, but that wasn't true either. He was incapable of expressing it, that was all. He had shown his love for Stephen in unorthodox ways, murder namely. But with Ray, he was simply incapable of allowing himself to speak those words, as though they held a kind of power over him. Falling in love with Stephen had already disjointed Brendan's ridiculous notions of his sexuality and to admit that he loved another man was simply the icing on the cake. It meant that it was all real. It meant that he and Stephen were not trapped in some unknown universe where these things could happen for only them. Instead it was a reality. It had to addressed outside of themselves. Brendan didn't know how.

"You haven't said much" Ray said thoughtfully, putting his spoon down.

"I'm saying it all in here" Brendan explained, pointing to his forehead.

"Well perhaps you could say some of it out loud" Ray pressed, his demeanour still calm and thoughtful.

"I don't know what to do…" Brendan began, his eyes fixated on the table.

"About what?"

"About yer feelings for me…"

Ray coughed and smiled a little. He placed his hand carefully over Brendan's beneath the table which rested on his leg.

"Listen, maybe I shouldn't have said-"

"No. I'm glad yer did"

Ray smiled again. "Why?"

"It's nice to hear, if nothing else"

"But is there anything else?" Ray said, looking at Brendan's face intently.

Brendan turned to face him, his lips pressed together firmly. He shook his head mutely.

A flicker of emotion showed on Ray's face but he hid it well. "I figured…" he said quietly.

"It isn't that I don't want to…"

"You don't have to explain"

"No. I need to" Brendan took a deep breath. "I do feel the same as ye do… but I can't say it, or make it known to ye in the right way. My throat just tightens over it"

"Is it a familiar feeling?" Ray asked curiously.

"Yes. Ye aren't the only man who has said it to me"

"Who else?"

Brendan sighed. "First there was a lad when I was younger. Nothing really happened, but we kind of felt things for each other we knew we shouldn't…"

"Why shouldn't you?" Ray asked pointedly, a knowing smile on his face.

Brendan tilted his head to the side. He smirked a little. "It's a habit, sorry"

"Continue"

"Then I met Eileen and well, buried my feelings I guess…" Brendan looked pensive. "I tried so hard to love her… I loved our boys, unconditionally, and I loved her for being their mother, and for being kind, and strong. But it was never enough"

"Of course not" Ray said quietly, squeezing Brendan's hand.

"I moved to Liverpool for a while. Needed some time away from the façade. I ran a club there for-" Brendan closed his mouth before continuing. "Anyway, I met a young lad there, Vinnie"

"What was he like?"

"Young, impressionable, open-hearted" Brendan shook his head solemnly. "He should have stayed away from me but he wouldn't. No matter how many times I beat it into him" Brendan's expression remained cold and unmoveable. Such dark thoughts rarely came to the surface and were even less likely to when he was sitting here with Ray, his strong, warm fingers a reassuring presence.

"What happened to him?" Ray asked softly.

"He died. It was…ah, it's not important" Brendan lowered his head. "After that I went back home and then there was Macca, Eileen's nephew"

"Oh you didn't…" Ray said, his mouth hanging open.

"He was different to Vinnie. He was older for a start, more resilient. He bit back so to speak"

"And he loved you too?"

Brendan rolled his eyes. "Oh yes, so much so that he followed me to England when Eileen discovered our affair and chucked me out"

"Blimey" Ray breathed.

"He didn't stay long, I made sure of that. But then he came back again, I was already with Stephen at the time, things were…progressing"

"In what way?"

Brendan looked at Ray pointedly.

"Oh… you were already developing feelings for him"

"Feelings I had never felt before, for anyone. I hadn't loved those other men. They never compared…" Brendan trailed off. "Anyway, when Macca was gone things got messy, as ye already know. Stephen told me he loved me, once"

"What did you do?"

"I kissed him" Brendan closed his eyes at the memory.

"But I love you"

"Shut up, please, just"

"Why didn't you say it back?" Ray asked.

"Because I couldn't. The kiss said what I couldn't say"

"Is that what you do then? When things get heavy, you give him what he wants physically, to stop him wanting more?"

"It never works beyond that moment" Brendan answered truthfully.

"Of course not"

"And finally" Brendan began, giving Ray a small, knowing smile. "There was you"

Ray smirked. "Did I surprise you?"

"Quite spectacularly"

"Why's that?"

"Because ye are so together, so… aware of yer feelings. Those other lads were largely beginners"

"Are you saying you turned them?"

"Well, not all of them…"

Ray laughed low in his throat. "Cocky bastard aren't you?"

"I have my moments" Brendan agreed.

"Look, nothing has to change. You're leaving tomorrow, going back to Stephen…"

"Ye, but I don't even know if he wants me or not"

"Of course he does" Ray said as though it were obvious. "And who can blame him? Gorgeous bastard that you are?"

"Ye flatter me" Brendan teased. "Enough of this heavy talk, this is supposed to be our day"

"Sorry, from now on it will be"

Brendan nodded, licking his lips from his breakfast. "Good"

XXX

Brendan and Ray went outside for a while, strolling along aimlessly. It was a dreary day, the rain was spitting onto their heads. Without his hair gel Brendan's hair had changed dramatically. It was all over the place after his morning shower, spiking in all directions but once it had dried it often laid flat and lifeless, sometimes sticking to his forehead. Ray had called it 'cute'. Brendan had shoved him, lightly of course.

A fellow inmate passed Ray by and slipped him a packet of cigarettes. Brendan raised his eyebrows at Ray who looked at him, somewhat apologetically.

"I don't smoke much, honest"

"Ye haven't smoked since I've been here"

"I know, I didn't need to"

"That makes no sense" Brendan observed, taking a seat on the grassy floor. Ray sat beside him; a guard struck a match for his cigarette.

Ray took a long draw. "I smoke when I'm stressed. My first two or three months here were stressful"

"And then I came along, the light of yer life?" Brendan chuckled, nudging Ray gently with his shoulder.

"Sure, if you wanna believe that" Ray grinned back.

Brendan's chuckles subsided. "So why are ye smoking now then?"

"Because you're leaving" Ray said bluntly, as though it were unquestionable.

"Don't do that on my account"

"It's okay, I'm sure I'll quit again when I'm out of here. Donny hates it"

Brendan nodded, looking at Ray sympathetically.

"Except he won't be there when I get out…"

"Only for four months" Brendan reassured him, aware of Ray's shift in mood.

"Yeah, I guess so"

Brendan snaked an arm around his waist. "Ye will be with me anyway, should be fun"

Ray gave Brendan an amused look. "You reckon?"

"Ye, why wouldn't it be?"

"What if the people in your life don't want me there?"

"They can jog on" Brendan replied, looking appalled. Ray laughed loudly.

"Fair enough"

"Ye wanna go back inside? I don't fancy the look of those clouds…" Brendan squinted at the sky, feeling droplets of rain beginning to become more frequent on the top of his head.

"In a minute" Ray replied, still holding his cigarette. He looked thoughtful for a moment. "Did you know there's an enclosure down there which is practically out of sight? The inmates use it for their dodgy dealings"

"Sounds risky" Brendan observed, frowning.

"Gotta love the thrills in life" Ray replied, stubbing out his cigarette. He took Brendan's hand. "Come on then"

"Where we going?" Brendan asked, being pulled along by Ray.

"To the enclosure"

Brendan stopped short. Ray turned to look at him questioningly. "What is it?"

"Why are we going there?"

"I think you know" Ray smiled seductively, pulling Brendan along.

"But it's raining!" Brendan protested.

Ray pushed him against the wall, his face very close. "Live a little, Brendan. Who cares about a bit of rain?"

"Well, I do!" Brendan argued but was cut off by Ray's lips crushing against his own. He was left momentarily distracted as he felt Ray's tongue dart into his mouth whilst his hands moved over Brendan's body. It seemed as though Ray were touching every part of him, memorising everything.

Brendan pulled back a little, causing Ray to bite his lip by mistake. "Fuck, sorry" Ray murmured, clearly aroused.

"It's fine" Brendan grunted, moving his lips closer to Ray's mouth once more. Ray's tongue darted out to lick at the blood before moving in to kiss Brendan again.

Brendan's hands were somewhere at the small of Ray's back. They gradually drifted lower to cup his arse, giving it a squeeze. Ray groaned and swiftly undid Brendan's trousers, pushing them and his black boxers to the floor. At this point the rain was really starting to hammer down. Brendan was so wrapped up in the moment however that he ignored it.

Ray slipped out of his own trousers and flexed his fingers which were already wet before he prepared Brendan for entry. Like the first time they had had sex, Ray pushed Brendan up against the wall, Brendan's legs wrapped around Ray's waist. Ray pushed inside, his head rested against Brendan's shoulder as he thrusted. Brendan clawed at Ray's back, slipping slightly against the wall.

The men were frantic and needy for each other. They clung to each other as though they were to be separated at any given moment. Brendan whispered incoherently against Ray's ear. Ray was too distracted to hear most of it but a few words stood out.

"I'm going to miss ye, so fucking bad"

"Me too" Ray whispered back. "I love you, Brendan Brady" he added and with one final thrust, he climaxed, rubbing his body against Brendan to bring him to his own climax through the friction.

Sliding down the wall, Brendan was panting, his hair damp and flattened, his eyes wide and enthralled. He reached out to Ray and kissed him once more, hungry and desperate. Ray clung back to him, eventually changing the kiss to an embrace, his head buried deep into Brendan's shoulder. They were both soaking wet but didn't care. They stayed like that for what felt like a lifetime, neither man ready to let go just yet.