Chapter 21: Reckoning

Although things are better after the day following my latest relapse, they remain a little strained while we wait for Stefan's return. Only part of the problem is that Yuuri struggles to trust I won't drink again the second he turns his back. The other part of our problem is that while we remain in the hotel, waiting for the house repairs, he seems worried about us being watched by the government. And given the scare we both got that day when those officers showed up and took us away to be questioned, I understand…even if my carnal needs are strong enough to belay the fears more than his do. So, I don't put pressure on him to be intimate with me. Instead, we pour all of our sexual urges into our training. The result? Yuuri's Eros program becomes almost torture for me to watch anymore, because he is so very desirable and I am so incredibly hungry for him. He seems just as riled when he watches me skate, but as soon as we leave the ice center, we fall back into this strange, more distant place.

Well, at least, until the last of the repairs to our home are finished and we get to move in. This happens just a day before Stefan's scheduled return, so we're still a little tense with each other, but Yuuri relaxes visibly as we arrive at the house and I open the front door to let him in.

The house smells like fresh paint and since some time has passed, my things have been returned from Japan and placed within, making the formerly sparsely decorated home look much more like it did before I dropped everything and went to Japan.

That is, with one exception.

What Yuuri didn't see when we came here and the house was damaged, was that I was having the master suite altered to add a second walk-in closet and I was having the master bathroom expanded and made to look similar to the hot spring at Yutopia Katsuki. He didn't see this because that area was covered during the reconstruction, so when we entered the master bedroom before, that area wasn't visible.

"Wow, this looks amazing," Yuuri breathes softly, looking around, "I mean, I saw your Instagram posts sometimes that included little glimpses, but to be here for real…"

"You're still talking like a fan," I snicker, "Come, Yuuri, this is our home now. You should look at all of it, now that it's repaired. I also added something special that I think you'll really like.

I walk him through everything but the master suite, showing him where everything is. When we get to the guest room, he steps inside and looks back at me with a funny, quizzical expression.

"This is the guest room," I explain, "You're not a guest. You're my lover, so you will share my room…if that's all right with you. I suppose if you want your own space…"

"Eh, no!" he almost shouts, making us both laugh.

He blushes so cutely!

"I mean, I want to share your room. I just wasn't sure if you wanted your own space."

"I have enough space," I answer, "I came looking for you because there were spaces I wanted to fill. And, after all, I told you I want you to stay close to me, not down the hall from me."

"Victor," he giggles, blushing brighter.

I lead him to the bedroom door, and for a moment, our smiles fade as we recall the damage that was done by the intruder before.

"I was having a little bit of work done on the master suite to make it just perfect for us. You might have seen that I had a second walk-in closet added for you."

I open the door to the bedroom, and Yuuri's face lights up as he sees the huge, soft bed, the two dressers and two large walk in closets, a lovely bay window that looks out into the garden in the backyard and on the restored walls, framed portraits of each of us individually, as well as one taken from our pairs dance at the Grand Prix Final celebration.

"Wow!" he manages breathlessly.

"It says home to you, da?"

"Oh, yes it does! It's just perfect, Victor! I love it."

I walk to the master bathroom door and put a hand on the handle.

"And here is the biggest surprise," I chuckle, "I actually contracted this before I knew you would come and live with me. I was afraid that when I came back to Russia, I would miss Japan and you too much. I'm glad to have you, and I think we'll both enjoy this little bit of Japan, right here."

I open the door to reveal the expanded bathroom and large jacuzzi tub that was fashioned after the hot spring in Yutopia Katsuki.

"Oh my god, Victor!" Yuuri gasps, staring in disbelief.

"It's not as big, because that wouldn't fit, even in the expanded bathroom," I explain, "and it's a jacuzzi, not a real hot spring, but it does remind you of home, doesn't it?"

"Oh, yes! Yes, it does!" he laughs excitedly.

He turns and throws himself into my arms.

"It's wonderful, Victor! Thank you!"

"Should we try it out?"

His blush gets even darker, and he nods instead of answering out loud. We're out of our clothes in seconds, and sinking down into the hot, bubbling water.

"Wow, I like this!" he says enthusiastically.

"And there are low and high settings for the jets."

"It feels really good, especially after our workout, ne?"

"It does," I agree, moving in closer and kissing his cheek, then tentatively touching my lips to his.

He shivers a little, and I can see a hint of distress in his eyes.

"It's okay, Yuuri," I reassure him, "This is our home."

"I know," he whispers, resting his head on my shoulder, "I'm sorry. I'm still just a little scared."

"Because of what happened before," I conclude, "Yuuri, I understand. I'll understand too, if you are regretting moving to Russia now. It's only been a short time and several bad things have happened. But remember that we have additional security protecting us and our home now. And also remember that the officers specifically said that we should confine our intimate activities to our home. We are in our home now, and what happens here is strictly between us. You don't need to be afraid."

Yuuri's eyes tear a little.

"You're right," he sighs, "I'm being stupid, I guess."

"It's okay," I reassure him, "We're safe here, in our home."

I kiss him again and slide onto his lap, wrapping my arms around him. I start a slow grinding motion against him, probing his mouth with my tongue and smiling as he looses a long breath and relaxes more into our hot, open-mouthed kisses. I run kisses along the side of his neck, nibbling as I go, and I lift my bottom suggestively, inviting his fingers to begin a gentle invasion.

We haven't had sex in close to a week, so we both get hard quickly, and I'm impatient, barely letting him prepare me at all before pushing down onto his thickness.

"Victor!" he pants into my shoulder, his hands open and wrapping around my bare bottom, then clenching and squeezing, "Oh!"

I arch my back, closing my eyes and riding him, hard and fast. I feel one of his hands curl around my desperately throbbing erection, and he pleasures me as we move together. It hurts a little when he bucks his hips upward, but the impact drives me quickly to the ends of my endurance.

"Yuuri!"

My eyes open and gaze down into his as he quivers and his body begins to shudder in release. I let him fill me with his hot seed, then as he's sagging back, I move suddenly, sliding off his lap and turning him so that he grabs onto the edge of the pool. I slide in between his legs and try to prepare him a little. But he groans and yanks me closer, offering his bottom shamelessly. I enter as slowly as I can, but he pushes back against me, forcing me in deeper, until we're fully joined again. I lay over his back, lacing our fingers together as I take my pleasure. It's not long before I'm overcome, and I loose myself into him and collapse onto his back.

Aftera few minutes of recovery, we slide down into the water, turning into each other's arms. We continue to exchange slow, deep kisses, enjoying the little dizzy feeling that comes with our completion.

"Now this feels like home," Yuuri sighs sleepily, holding my hand under the water, "Victor and Yuuri's home."

"Our home," I agree.

Yuuri curls up against my shoulder and we rest quietly for awhile in the gently bubbling water. It really does feel like home in a way it never did when I lived here alone. It's like I purchased it without really understanding the dream that drove me to do that. I always thought it was a special place, but it somehow seemed lonely too, until he came here.

Now, it's perfect.

"I love you."

The words slip out of his mouth unexpectedly, and I can't help smiling and kissing the warm lips that say them so sweetly.

"I love you too."

"I'm sorry I was so…eh…I was so…"

"You were afraid," I finish for him, "I was scared too. It's okay. We're safe in our home, Yuuri."

Now he's smiling too.

"Yeah," he agrees, "I feel like we are."

"It's going to be all right now, I promise. We do have to be more careful in public places, but here, we can just be who we are."

I feel a twinge of guilt, thinking of how things were different in Japan, and I took him away from that. Thinking about it now, it seems selfish. But at the same time, I don't know how we could have worked things out differently. I needed to return to Russia. My home and my coach are here. For the rest of my career, I need to stay here. Maybe after I retire from skating, we can move somewhere else that is more accepting of homosexuality. But for now…I think we can make this work.

And who knows?

Maybe the world will change for the better while we wait.

My cell phone rings suddenly, and we're jarred a little out of the little paradise we were in. I pick up the phone and touch the button to accept the call.

"Hello, Stefan," I greet my counselor, "Are you back already? I thought you were coming back tomorrow."

"Well, all of the observances and such were done, and Filip really needed to get back for work, so we came back today instead. I just wanted to confirm we are meeting tomorrow…or, if you want, we could have dinner tonight and talk tonight instead."

I glance at Yuuri and mouth, "He wants to have dinner."

Yuuri nods.

"Dinner tonight would be great," I answer, "Actually, Yuuri and I were just able to move back into our home. Why don't you come over and Yuuri and I will prepare something?"

"That sounds good. What time would you like me to be there?"

"Ah, about five would be fine."

"That works for me too," he agrees.

I end the call and look back at Yuuri, feeling a return of anxiety.

"He'll be here around five," I tell him, "I'd better figure out what to serve and do a little shopping. Do you want to come?"

"Sure."

We climb out of the tub and dry off, then walk out into the bedroom to dress. I realize that I forgot my phone in the bathroom and go back in to get it. As I pick it up, I see there's a text and I open it to find a short, but unnerving message.

You've always been trouble, just like your adulterous father. Don't think that I'm going to just let you take her away from her family. She belongs with me, and I will take her back. It doesn't matter how many guards you put around yourselves. I will take back what's mine!

He's been careful to use a disposable phone, so there's no way to answer, and I know better than to fan flames like that.

"Victor, are you all right in there?" Yuuri calls from the doorway.

I don't want to worry him. We have guards, and I will tell Yakov about this immediately, so that he's aware.

Modya is just trying to intimidate me.

I won't let him. I'm not a little child anymore.

"I'm fine," I tell Yuuri, walking back out into the bedroom to finish dressing.

We head out to the store on foot and buy ingredients for katsudon pirozhkis, figuring it's the perfect first meal to make in our home. By the time we get back, there's just enough time to make the pirozhkis before Stefan arrives and knocks on the door.

As much as I try not to be, I feel unnerved and anxious all through dinner, so I'm quiet. Stefan is a very perceptive person, and he notices that I'm not as talkative or cheerful as usual. As dinner winds down and we have coffee and dessert, he glances from Yuuri to me and back again, and he clears his throat softly.

"I uh, notice that it looks like something is on your mind, Victor," he says finally, "Is there something you want to talk to me about?"

I exchange glances with Yuuri, and to my surprise, rather than looking stern, he gives me an encouraging nod and takes my hand in his. It's so strange. I was really nervous before, but feeling his touch somehow makes me feel like everything will be okay. I take a breath and nod at Stefan.

"There is," I affirm, "The last week has been rough."

"Oh? Wait, that's right. You were in a plane crash on the way to Japan…"

"I'm not talking about that," I explain, "I'm recovering well from that. But, when I came back to Russia and I brought Yuuri for the first time to our home, we found that it had been vandalized."

"That's terrible," Stefan says in a concerned tone.

"What made it worse is that there were some words painted onto our bedroom wall that were slurs referring to our homosexual love."

Stefan's breath catches for a moment.

As someone also living in Russia and carrying on a gay relationship, he knows exactly the dilemma we were in.

"To make things worse, as we returned from Japan, we were met by reporters who had done an interview with that skater who troubled us at the skating resort."

"Right," Stefan sighs, "I saw on TV when the reporters were talking to Yuuri and you at the airport. You know, Filip had a pretty strong reaction to Andrei's interview."

"He did?" Yuuri says worriedly, "Did he believe what that guy said?"

"I don't think he wanted to, but it was hard for him, you know?"

"Yeah," Yuuri says, lowering his eyes, "I can understand."

Stefan gives Yuuri a grateful smile.

"But, even though he was anxious about it all, when he heard what you said, it really helped him to realize that Andrei was lying. He just wanted to cause trouble. Things were okay after that. So…just so you know, both Filip and I are thankful that you could refute what he said."

"Yuuri was amazing," I agree, "Unfortunately, his announcement of our love didn't go over well with the Russian authorities, and they brought Yuuri and me in for questioning. They just talked to me a little and gave me a warning to keep our personal life private, but they decided to detain Yuuri overnight."

"I see," Stefan said, rubbing his chin and looking at me, "So, you are telling me, Victor, that while under the stress, you had a relapse? You started drinking?"

"I did," I confess, "After finding that our home had been vandalized and having to clean up the foul words before the police could see them, I drank just two servings, but while Yuuri was being detained and I was alone at the hotel, I drank until I was well past legally drunk."

I see his expression and frown curiously.

"You don't look surprised," I say cautiously, "You expected I would fail to quit drinking like I'd planned? You saw my weakness?"

Stefan lets out a little breath.

"Not weakness," he says bracingly, "I saw your humanity. Victor, everyone who is recovering from alcoholism is going to have setbacks. Everyone. Learning to cope without alcohol is a process, not just an act of will. Yes, I knew that you would have challenges, and that sometimes you would fail to abstain. Failing, feeling bad about it, getting up the courage to try again…that's all part of the process."

"But what do I do?" I ask anxiously, "I mean, it's not like I didn't have other choices I could have made. I talked myself out of the other options and I went out of my way to choose to drink. I hurt myself, and I hurt Yuuri. Things have been…tentative between us since then. Until today, at least, when we moved into our home. We're just getting back to feeling kind of normal again. Stefan, I don't want to hurt Yuuri and I don't want to hurt myself. What can I do so that the next time I am challenged, I will make a better choice?"

The answer, when he gives it, surprises me. He takes my hands in his and looks into my eyes as he says it.

"Victor, you need to first forgive yourself for being human, for being imperfect. Recovery is all about learning who you are and what your challenges are, then how to find the strength to meet those challenges. It's about…knowing where to find support, and learning how to convince yourself that it's okay to ask for that help. It's about falling and getting up…making mistakes and trying again. It's about building a path that's going to lead you in a better direction."

"But, how do I do that? I don't know how."

Stefan gives me a sympathetic smile.

"Look at me, look at Yuuri and your father and mother. Look at your friends. They are all your support system, and they all want just as much as you do, to see you win this battle. So, when you feel alone and you feel challenged, I want you to reach out…and please trust all of us to reach back."