Chapter 21: Fore Father
In the Griffin household, Peter, John, Tyler, Brian, Chris and Meg were watching TV like usual.
"We now return to Little House On The Prairie." The announcer on the TV stated as it cut to said program.
It showed the Ingalls family in the living room by the fireplace while the father, Charles was helping teaching his blind daughter, Mary Braille.
"Well, that's wonderful, Mary. You're doing great with your Braille." Charles praised Mary's quick learning closing the book and calling it a night.
"I couldn't have done it without you, Pa." Mary told her father.
"Why don't you go up to bed and get some sleep, honey?" Charles recommended to Mary.
As Mary wandered off to her room, Charles snuck around her, shushed to the other family members quietly and shoved a stool in her way, causing Mary to trip over.
"Honey. Honey, you remember where the stool was." Charles told Mary lying to her face as the family snickered at her misery.
Charles then held up a broom with a pan hanging on the other end of the pole as Mary walked right into it, unaware of her family's cruel pranks.
"Oh, Mary. Mary. You're in the kitchen, sweetheart. You're all disoriented." Charles lied directing her now to a ladder. The family continued snickering at Mary. "Let me help you. The ladder's right here."
"Thanks, Pa." Mary thanked her father, who kissed her on the forehead goodnight as she climbed up the ladder before Charles pushed it to the right leading Mary to an open window and falling out through it and landing outside.
The family then finally bursted laughing at Mary's misery, feeling no shame in their pranks nor do they even bother going outside to help her.
It then cut back to the Griffins still watching the program, with only John and Tyler having reactions of surprise.
"Jeez, life was a lot tougher back then." Peter remarked on the show.
"Taking advantage of your own daughter's blindness? That's just mean." Tyler commented criticizing the treatment of Mary on the show.
Opening Credits
It seems today that all ya see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good, old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely
Lucky there's a Family Guy!
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh n' Cry
He's
a
Fam
-ily
Guy!
End
As everyone continued watching TV, Lois entered the room with Stewie in her arms.
"Listen up, everybody." Lois called out to everyone, whom turned to face her. "It's time for spring cleaning."
"Spring cleaning? Aw, not again!" Peter, Brian, Chris and Meg all said in unison before looking at each other in confusion, except for John and Tyler, who had no idea what spring cleaning was. "That was weird. Boy, that was weird, too."
"What's spring cleaning, Mrs. Griffin?" John asked Lois.
"It's a time early in the year where we all clean the house." Lois explained to John and Tyler.
"Clean the house?" John repeated not liking what he was hearing. "I don't like the sound of that."
"Yeah." Tyler agreed.
"If we all pitch in, we'll be done in no time." Lois stated.
"Lois, you know I swore I'd never clean again." Peter reminded Lois. "Not after Bounty dropped me as their spokesman."
Cutaway #1
Peter was in a Bounty commercial with a woman holding a roll of Bounty paper towels. Peter poured a glass of what was a yellow liquid on the counter in front of him and the woman.
"Wait a second. Rosie, I've just poured this glass of warm yellow liquid on the counter and you're telling me that Bounty can pick it up in five seconds?" Peter asked Rosie, the woman behind the counter about the product they're pitching.
However, Rosie seemed concerned about the liquid Peter poured earlier putting down the roll of Bounty and trying to analyze what the liquid really was.
"What is this?" Rosie asked.
"Four seconds." Peter said looking at his watch and literally counting five seconds expecting Rosie to use the Bounty.
"Is that-" Rosie almost asked.
"Three seconds." Peter said cutting her off as Rosie tried to sniff the liquid.
"It smells like-" Rosie was about to say.
"Clean my pee!" Peter immediately demanded.
End
"Mom, I can't clean. I got stuff to do." Meg complained.
"Sweetheart, we all know you don't have stuff to do." Lois said to Meg not taking her excuse to leave.
"Actually, she does, Mrs. Griffin." John soon interfered pulling out both a notebook and a pair of reading glasses, which he used to read his notes. "She's going to hang out with her friends at the mall at 1 p.m., have a walk at the park at 3 p.m. and lastly, she'll be attending rehearsals at school at 5 p.m."
John soon noticed that everyone was staring at him, totally lost on how he knew what Meg was doing this afternoon.
"I, uh, help keep track of her schedule. He, he, he..." John nervously said trying to come up with excuse to not sound like a stalker.
"Look, I don't wanna hear any more excuses from anyone." Lois soon said.
"Aw, crap!" Peter, Brian, Chris and Meg both exclaimed in unison, this time with John and Tyler as they realized what they just did. "We did it again!" They looked at each other for a moment thinking of something different to say. "Ruth Bader Ginsburg!" Soon, they let out a "ooh" for their replies.
"Yeah, we almost had it for a minute there." John said inadvertantly ruining the gag. "DAMMIT!"
Eventually, the family got to work on their spring cleaning beginning with Lois and Meg cleaning the attic, which the family has used to store their belongings since John and Tyler's move into the basement. They were both dusting off some stacks of boxes when Lois spotted a trunk next to the boxes she was cleaning. She opened the trunk and looked inside.
"Oh, look, Meg, it's your little baby booties." Lois said to Meg taking out and showing her her old pair of shoes for when she was younger. "Ooh, and your little bug hairclip." Lois took out a small ladybug-shaped hairclip. "And your tail." Lois then pulled out what appeared to be a small donkey's tail.
"My what?!" Meg exclaimed turning around facing Lois, who quickly hid the tail and closed the trunk.
"Nothing." Lois said trying to cover up what she said before she soon bursted out laughing. "I'm just messing with ya, sweetheart." Lois then pulled out the tail from the trunk. "This was actually from a pin- the-tail-on-the-donkey game at your third birthday party and you used to play with it everywhere all the time. Oh, it's nice to reminisce about the good old days."
It then cut to Peter and Chris outside the house across the street from it with Cleveland. Peter was looking at a list in his hand while Chris, Cleveland, John and Tyler were right next to a fire hydrant. There was also a fire hose coiled right next to his feet.
"Okay, Lois' list says clean the windows, clear the gutters and wash the siding." Peter said reading the list. "To most folks, that's three chores. To Peter Griffin and his big hose, it's one." Peter then connected the fire hose with the fire hydrant.
"Hmm, you're not working hard, Peter. You're working smart." Cleveland complimenting on Peter's idea.
"No, he's thinking stupidly." Tyler stated.
"Oh, yeah? Well, I don't see you coming up with anything better." Peter said.
"What about this?" John asked presenting a water cannon instead.
"That oughta work!" Tyler aproved.
John then fired the water cannon toward the house, which flooded the second floor, wrecking everything inside.
[A/N: I actually remembered what was originally going to happen here, but over time while I was writing for "Carbonated Talent", I forgot what I planned here. So, this was the best I could remember about it. But if actually do remember what this scene was supposed to be, I'll rewrite it immediately.]
"Peter, there-there's water and glass and- It's a disaster in here!" Lois popped out of one of the windows and said to Peter distraught over the house's condition.
"We're sorry, Mrs. Griffin! We thought we could help clean the house!" John apologized to Lois.
"You did all this?" Lois asked.
"Yes." John and Tyler answered.
"Well, you didn't help." Lois ridiculed the duo. "Look, don't come near the house! Go do something else!" Lois walked away from the window.
John and Tyler felt a bit of devastation from Lois' words and they didn't know how to take it.
"Ha! My idea's not looking too bad now, huh?." Peter smugly told the duo rubbing it in their faces.
"John, Tyler, I've changed my mind." Lois came back to the window and told the duo. "I want you both to clean up the mess you cause."
"What?!" John and Tyler exclaimed.
"You heard me. You are going to help clean up everything you broke up here and you're not doing anything else until you're done."
"But-" John and Tyler were about to say.
"No buts." Lois cut them off. "This will your entire chore for spring cleaning. Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, ma'am." John and Tyler obeyed as they slowly walked back to the house.
Next door, Joe and his son, Kevin were loading a couple of bags onto the back of Joe's truck.
"Son, this duffel bag is only half-zipped." Joe pointed out to Kevin, who then immediately went over to the duffel bag to zip it completely.
"Hey, Joe. Where're you goin'?" Peter walked over to Joe with Chris and Cleveland.
"I'm going camping for the weekend with Johnny-Cut-Corners." Joe informed Peter while ridicuing his son, who zipped the duffel bag. "You guys wanna come along?"
"Hmm. It would be nice to get out of the house." Cleveland said deciding to take the trip. "This is the time of the month when Loretta is visited by her Aunt Flo."
Peter then looked at Cleveland in confusion.
"Loretta likes to personify her menses in humorous ways." Cleveland then explained.
"Hey, Quagmire! You up for some camping?" Joe hollered over to Quagmire, who was getting his mail.
"Heh. Sorry, bud. The only tent I'm pitching this weekend is... Well, y-you see where I'm going with this." Quagmire answered Joe before finishing it off with a usual "OH!"
"I wanna go, Dad." Chris told Peter wanting to go on the trip as well. "It'll get me away from the Evil Monkey that lives in my closet."
Peter and Cleveland merely chucked at Chris' words, not believing in his story. Chris looked up at his bedroom window and saw the Evil Monkey there pointing at him like always before leaving, leaving Chris to mope.
"Aw, this is gonna be great." Peter said having high hopes about the trip. "Last time I did any male bonding was when me and Cleveland went to Asiatown."
Cutaway #2
It showed the sign of a shop in the aforementioned Asiatown which the sign was in Chinese reading "Finger Traps". It soon panned below showing Peter and Cleveland at the shop with the shopowner while they're standing apparently facing each other while a jacket is placed over their crotches.
"Look, for-forget how it happened. Can you just get us out of this?" Peter told and then asked the shopowner having an embarassed tone in his voice.
End
Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Stewie was making a paper mache boat on the table. Throughout the room, there were both ordinary books and comic books scattered across the floor and on the table where Stewie was and there were even some on the chairs. Stewie used a bit of paste on a miniature table and then as a spread on a cracker, which he enjoyed after he took a bite of it.
"I say, Rupert, this paste is quite delicious." Stewie said to Rupert, who was sitting in Stewie's high chair. "It's almost worth the bowel obstruction."
Just then, both John, Tyler and then Brian stepped into the kitchen and soon noticed the books and comics on the floor before turning to Stewie.
"Are those my books?" Brian demanded revealing the books were his.
"And are those our comics?" John also demanded revealing the comics were him and Tyler's.
"What are you doing?!" Tyler asked Stewie in outrage.
"Paper mache." Stewie replied seemingly rather calm about the fact that he's basically ruining their possessions. "I used them all to make the houseboat from Surfside 6. You remember. *sings* Surfside 6. Who lives there. Surfside 6. Young bachelors. In Miami Beach."
"Those are my first editions, you little punk!" Brian said to Stewie angered. Unbeknownst to them, Lois had just stepped into the kitchen herself.
"YOU'RE A DEAD MAN!" Tyler yelled at Stewie as they all charged at the maniacal brat, who ran to Lois.
"Momma, doggy and big kids scary." Stewie said to Lois pretending to be scared by the trio and fool Lois.
"Boys! I was gonna go easy on you for what you did, but now you left me no choice. You're now gonna clean the entire house for the rest of the day." Lois told off John and Tyler punishing them.
The duo then left the room pissed that Stewie managed to get away.
"This isn't over!" Brian told Stewie swearing vengeance.
"Oh, if you're looking for your Dostoyevsky, I used it to make the fort from F Troop." Stewie informed Brian as Lois carried him out of the kitchen.
"Look what I found, Stewie. An appointment card." Lois informed Stewie showing him said card before placing him down on the couch. "You've got a checkup."
"Ooh, marvelous. A quick weigh-in, a 'stick-out-your-tongue', and a nice lollipop to cap it off." Stewie said showing that he had experienced this type of thing before and soon said to Lois. "Oh, and remind me to ask the doctor when my other testicle's going to descend."
Elsewhere, the guys and their sons were in the woods where Joe and Cleveland were pitching the tent while Peter was simply sitting on a cooler sipping a beer and relaxing. Running around the camp was Cleveland's son, Cleveland Jr., who Cleveland brought along for the trip.
"Bang! I'm Daniel Boone! I'm a man! I'm a big man! Bang! Bang!" Cleveland Junior said full of energy as he was pretending to use a stick he found as a rifle until he broke it in half and decided to use one of the halves as a pretend microphone. "Now I'm Pat Boone. Gonna have a Christmas special with Andy Williams." He laughed and stormed off as Peter got up.
"*inhales* Ahh, so beautiful." Peter commented on the environment. "It's almost as if this world was created especially for me-" The scene then started glitching up with it stuck on Peter saying "me". The colors were altered where in the background, a man-like figure was seen between the glitching environment.
Joe's son, Kevin ran over to camp with a shovel in his hand.
"Dad, I dug the latrine 50 feet out." Kevin informed Joe.
"Oh, that's great, Kevin, you want a cookie every time you do something right?" Joe responded to his son seemingly unimpressed. "Go get some firewood."
"Yes, sir!" Kevin obeyed his father doing as told by Joe.
"He's gonna grow up to be quite a man." Joe remarked about Kevin pleased with the latter's dedication.
It flashed to Kevin in bed having just had sex with a blonde woman he supposedly married as indicated by the "just married" sign hanging on the heart-shaped bed frame behind them. Kevin appeared unimpressed while his wife seemed satisfied.
"Mmmm, that was incredible, Kevin." Kevin's wife praised him.
"I'm not here to impress you." Kevin told his wife as he turned his head and it zoomed out a bit to reveal Joe had just watched them having had sex, to the woman's horror as she tried to cover herself. "Am I, Dad?"
"Did I say you could rest yet?!" Joe shouted at Kevin.
It then cut back to Peter and Joe in present day when Cleveland Jr. ran up carrying two loads of firewood.
"I'm Abe Lincoln! I just chopped some wood! Hahaha! Hahaha!" Junior energetically said.
"Good for you, son." Joe said to Junior, who ran off. "Hey, where's Chris? I asked him to fill up the canteens an hour ago."
"Hey, Dad, look." Chris hollered to Peter revealed to be being carried away on his back by a line of ants while his back was coated with honey. "I covered my back with honey and now the ants are taking me home, ha, ha, ha."
"*chuckles* He does the same thing at home with Velveeta and cockroaches." Peter said to Joe. "If you turn on the light really fast, they slam right into the fridge.
Later that day, Lois took Stewie to Dr. Hartman's where they sat in the waiting room.
Stewie decided to read a nearby magazine. "Oh, great, Mirabella." He checked the publishing date. "December's Mirabella." Stewie discarded the magazine and soon spotted an elderly woman holding a baby. "What's your story? Get lost on the way to the morgue? Huh. No, seriously, is that yours? Because if it is, bravo."
Back at the camp, the guys and their sons (except Chris) were now heading to the lake to go fishing complete with fishing rods and bait.
"You remember that short-lived sitcom, Fish?" Cleveland asked his friends. "They should've put that on before CHiPS. The marketing practically writes itself."
The fathers and sons were heading to the lake while Chris was instead sitting on a log drawing.
"Let's go, Chris." Joe told Chris. "Your dinner isn't gonna catch itself."
"I don't wanna go. I had a bad experience with a fish once." Chris said.
Cutaway #3
Chris entered his room and grabbed some fish food to feed his pet fish. However, he noticed the fish wasn't in its tank until he spotted a trail of puddles of water on the floor leading to the window, which was broken.
"Oh, my God! My fish is gone!" Chris exclaimed when he also noticed his bank was broken. "And he robbed me!"
End
"Okay, see ya, Chris." Peter greeted Chris goodbye.
"Peter, this is none of my business, but you're turning your boy into a slacker." Joe said to Peter concerned about the latter's parenting skills.
"How dare you call my parenting into question." Peter responded to Joe's comment offended. "If you were a woman, I'd slug you."
"I'm just saying you should teach him some responsibility." Joe reasoned.
"All right. All right, I'll show you responsibility." Peter said believing Joe was challenging him as he walked over to Chris. "Hey, Chris, you are responsible for guarding the camp while we're fishing."
"You got it, Dad. You can count on me to-" Chris said to Peter before he suddenly fell asleep.
Peter glanced at the others, fearing his plan had backfired as he woke up Chris. "Chris, pay attention. I want you to-" Soon after, Peter, too fell asleep.
In Dr. Hartman's office, Dr. Hartman was putting on a stethoscope while Stewie was sitting on a counter nude and Lois was behind.
"All right, take a deep breath, Stewie." Dr. Hartman told Stewie as he pressed the resonator to Stewie's chest.
"Cold! Cold!" Stewie giggled. "I s-Okay. Okay. I'm fine. I'm fine. *inhales and sighs* Tell me, Dr. Hartman, do all the children fall in love with you? Ha, ha, ha, that's cold, that's cold."
Dr. Hartman picked up Stewie and placed him on a measuring device.
"Hmm, twenty nine pounds." Dr. Hartman read Stewie's weight on the display taking notes. "That's big for your age."
"Well, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials." Stewie said where he was picked up again by Dr. Hartman and placed back on the counter.
"All right, little guy, time for your immunizations." Dr. Hartman told Stewie as a nurse came in.
"You, uh, might wanna hold him." The nurse informed Lois.
"Hold me for what?" Stewie asked confused until he noticed the syringe being given to Dr. Hartman and then Lois holding him. "What the deuce?!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie." Lois apologized to Stewie, who struggled his way out and then clunged onto the nurse's neck holding her hostage and threatening to slit her throat.
"Back off! Don't come any closer or I'll cut her!" Stewie threatened, but no one seemed intimidated by his murderous intent, mostly because the weapon Stewie was threatening the nurse's life with was actually a popsicle stick. "I-I'll...I'll give her-I'll give her a series of splinters...that-that could, um... you know... become infected..."
"Look, Stewie, look at the dancing kitty." Lois said to Stewie holding up a small lavender kitten toy to distract Stewie while Dr. Hartman injects him with the syringe.
"Ohohoho, no! I'll not be taken in by one of your- Oh, my, that's delightful, isn't it? What's your name, you little- AAHHH! Oh, God!" Stewie said quickly distracted by the toy until he felt the sharp pain on his butt cheek.
We then cut back to the fathers, who are now fishing in the evening.
"They call this the magic hour." Peter said enjoying the moment. "The day's not quite not gone, but the night's not quite here. And somewhere, Scott Baio is plowing a woman he doesn't love."
"I got one, Dad!" Kevin told Joe where his fishing rod's line broke.
"Hehe. Looks like that's the one that got away." Peter said making fun of them.
"The hell it is! You get in there and you kick that fish's ass!" Joe ordered Kevin, who did as he was told jumping overboard into the water. "God, I love him."
Later, they were all coming back from the trip, with little success.
"I can't believe how terrible the fishing was." Cleveland remarked about what happened.
"Yeah, all we caught was a tire, a boot, a tin can and this book of cliches." Peter said as his fishing rod had the first three things they caught and pulled out the aforementioned book.
"Well, thank God we came prepared." Joe said. "We brought enough food to last us-"
All four of them stopped and gasped in shock at what happened to their camp with all their food scattered throughout.
"Holy crap, Chris, what the hell?!" Peter said to Chris shocked at Chris' careless actions. "I put you in charge of the food!"
"The raccoons were here. See?" Chris said taking out his sketchbook and showing everyone what he drew. "Ooo, we're a bunch of sneaky little animals. We're gonna wreck and eat it 'cause we're naughty. And there's a guy. Let's get him in trouble with his dad. Ha, ha, ha!"
Everyone was clearly not okay with Chris having let the raccoons wreck their camp.
"Somehow I'm less than surprised." Joe remarked.
"I'm sorry, Dad." Chris apologized to Peter now feeling guilty. "I messed up the entire trip."
"Aw, it's not your fault, Chris. I failed you as a father." Peter said to Peter now feeling guilty that he is responsible for the incident. "From now on, Joe will be your father."
Joe, however, nodded his head disapprovingly.
"Cleveland?" Peter asked Cleveland, who also nodded.
"I'll teach the boy." A buck volunteered willing to become Chris' foster father. "Come, my son. I'll show you the ways of the herd-"
A gunshot was heard as the buck was shot down and the men that shot him then carried him away.
"Aw, crap." Peter exclaimed.
It was later nighttime where Lois stepped into the bedroom wearing a yellow bathrobe. She turned on the light and noticed what seemed like Peter underneath the covers.
"Peter, why are you sitting with the sheets over your head?" Peter asked Peter until she pulled away the sheets and found a pile of skulls insteadm resulting in her screaming in terror when Peter entered the room moping. "Peter, what's wrong?"
"Huh. That obvious?" Peter asked.
"Well, you always do the skull gag when you're depressed." Lois stated putting away the skulls in the closet. "Talk to me."
"Well, it's just... I-I-I've been trying to teach Chris how to be a man, you know?" Peter confessed. "First, I tried teaching him how to eat an Oreo."
Cutaway #4
Peter was in the kitchen with Chris sitting at the table with a plate of Oreos.
"Chris, the way to eat an Oreo is to twist it, pul it apart and lick it." Peter instructed Chris doing all the things he said. "Now, you."
Chris picked up one of the sandwich cookies, but slammed it into his forehead instead, knocking him back and falling to the floor.
End
And I tried teaching him how to get out of paying a check." Peter then said.
Cutaway #5
This time, Peter and Chris were at a restaurant each eating a bowl of soup. Peter looked around and pulled out a dead naked man from underneath the table and placed the man's face in his soup.
"Uh, waiter!" Peter called out to a nearby waiter, who approached him. "There's a dead guy in my soup."
"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, sir. Or course, your soup is gratis." The waiter said to Peter.
"Thank you." Peter said.
The waiter left and Peter then turned to Chris.
"Now, your turn." Peter told Chris, who pulled out his own dead man from underneath the table and dropped his face in the soup.
"Waiter, there's a dead guy in my-" Chris tried to call out to a nearby waiter, but soon, the man was revealed to still be alive.
The man screamed in surprise and so did Chris, who grabbed a wine bottle and started smacking the man with it as Peter quietly snuck away without Chris noticing.
End
"Peter, you can't force-feed maturity. He needs to learn it on his own." Lois informed Peter as she got up and removed her robe. "Why don't you get him a job or something?"
Whoa! Freeze frame!" Peter exclaimed as time stopped and Lois was frozen in place with her tossed robe floating in midair. Peter then walked over to the screen. "That's it! I can teach Chris responsibility by getting him a job. Isn't she great? Now you see why I married her." Peter walked back over to Lois, but noticed the camera was still focused on him. "Go-Go away now. I'm gonna do stuff to her."
The next day, John, Tyler and Brian were sitting on the couch when Lois came into the room with a stack of books in her hand.
"I'm sorry Stewie ruined your books. Here, I brought you some of Peter's." Lois said to the trio handing out some books to Brian and a couple of newspaper comic collection books to John and Tyler.
"Mr. T by Mr. T." Brian read the cover of the first book he looked at before tossing it aside and reading the next. "T and Me by George Peppard." He then checked the last one. "For the Last Time, I'm Not Mr. T by Ving Rhames." Brian merely shuttered in disgust from even reading the covers of those novels.
John and Tyler then checked the comics they got.
"They're not the same!" John said throwing the comics at the floor.
In the room was also Stewie, who was looking at bit pale.
"Stewie, are you okay?" Lois asked Stewie walking over to him in concern.
"Ugh, must we make small talk every time we pass?" Stewie remarked as Lois placed her hand on his forehead for a fever.
"Ooo, you're burning up. Must be a reaction to the shots. I'll go get you some baby aspirin." Lois said recognizing that it's a side effect of Stewie's shots as she left to get said medicine for her child.
"The devil are you talking about?! You said the shots were supposed to make me healthy!" Stewie asked Lois while Brian whispered something to John and Tyler, whom then agreed to what he said.
Both Brian, John and Tyler chuckled at what Stewie said.
"You actually believe Lois had them inject you with something to make you healthy?" Brian asked Stewie in amusement. "I mean, you-you were already healthy, right?"
"Oh, God! You're right! I-I was-I was pink as a pistol!" Stewie said becoming paranoid. "'Pink as a pistol'?! Good lord, I can't even form a cogent simile anymore! What was in those needles?!"
"Uh, we've-we've said too much." Brian said.
"Yeah, we should go." Tyler agreed.
Brian, John and Tyler then got off the couch and left the room, leaving Stewie alone.
"I should have known! Her treachery knows no limits!" Stewie said to himself now having become completely paranoid where he suddenly felt woozy. "Oh, my... Getting dizzy! Oohh, fight it, Stewie! 'Do not go gentle into that good night' to quote Bob Dylan."
Stewie dropped to the floor knocked out cold.
"No, no, Dylan Thomas!" Stewie suddenly sprung back up and corrected before dropping unconscious again.
That same day, Peter and the guys (and their sons) were at a public golf course where they stopped by one of the driving ranges.
"Boys, I'm a miracle worker. I have used all my parenting skills to change my son from a lazy slacker into a working man." Peter said to the guys in full convidence as he pointed to Chris, who was now working as the course's golf ball shagger picking up a few golf balls while some hit the mattress strapped onto him.
"Nice going, Peter." Joe congratulated Peter.
"Yeah, up yours, Joe." Peter said under his breath.
"What?" Joe asked in confusion.
"Thanks." Peter said as he then talked to Chris. "Hey, Chris!"
"Hey, Dad! I'm working! I'm wor-" Chris replied back to Peter before he got smacked in the jaw by a golf ball and he rubbed it.
"Careful, Chris, you don't get dental for 60 days." Peter warned Chris.
Hey, you that Griffin boy's father? Paddy Tanniger, the caddie manager. Yeah, it rhymes. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it?" A short, ginger-haired man came up and introduced himself to Peter. "Listen, your son is the best ball shagger we ever had. I sold twice as many buckets today because everybody wants to hit the fat kid."
It quickly panned over to one of the golfers currently using the driving range that Chris was in.
"Lynn, cancel my afternoon meetings." The golfer called his secretary on his phone. "I-I-I-I gotta hit more balls at this fat kid."
It cut back to the guys and the manager.
"Peter, do you mind if Kevin and I, uh-" Joe asked Peter.
"Nail Chris? He'd be thrilled." Peter told Joe approving him, to Joe and Kevin's delight.
Cleveland Jr decided to try out golf as he made a solid stroke.
"Hey, this kid here just knocked a ball 300 yards!" Paddie Tanniger said impressed by Cleveland Jr.'s swing.
Cleveland Jr. then took another swing and received applause from a crowd behind him.
"I'm Tiger Woods! I'm Tiger Woods! Wheeee!" Cleveland Jr cheered having fun.
"Sheesh, Cleveland, your kid's a natural." Peter said to Cleveland. "With a little help, he could be a pro."
"Oh, Peter. I can't make Cleveland Jr. sit still for anything." Cleveland told Peter. "Sometimes, I wonder if he's got the epilepsy... but then I just go see what's on the TV."
"Well, maybe you're not as good a father as me. Huh?" Peter smugly said. "I mean, look what I did with Chris. I'm even better than that dad on Lost in Space."
Cutaway #6
It showed the Robinson family stranded in a seemingly deserted planet.
"We need to gather more information about this new planet." Dr. John Robinson said where he approached Major Don West and Judy. "Don, you take my 16-year-old blonde daughter out on the chariot for the rest of the day." He then went over to Maureen and Penny. "Penny, you stay here with me." He then went over to Will and the Robot. "Will, you and the robot go out into the uncharted wilderness and take this mincing boy-hungry pedophile with you."
The pedohphile John Robinson was referring to was Dr. Smith.
End
"Cleveland Jr.'s beyond your skills." Cleveland warned Peter. "He won't respond to you."
"Oh, yeah?" Peter asked feeling challenged by Cleveland. "Hey. Hey, come here, Cleveland Jr. Come on. Come to Peter."
"Over here, Junior." Cleveland called his son.
Cleveland Jr. was turning his head to each father, figuring out which one to go with. He settled with Peter, to Cleveland's dismay.
"Come on, you'll see. I'm gonna turn this kid into the greatest golfer ever." Peter said to Cleveland.
"Fine!" Cleveland replied before walking off still pissed.
"How'd ya get him to come to ya?" Paddie asked Peter.
"With this." Peter answered pulling out a bottle of cologne.
"Oh." Paddie said impressed.
"Love." Peter quietly said looking up in the sky.
"Jealousy." Paddie said doing the exact same thing Peter was doing.
"Touch." Peter said.
"Forever." Paddie said.
"Intense." Peter said.
"Passion." Paddie said.
"Obsession, Calvin Klein." Both then finished in unison.
Meanwhile, at home, Lois was tending to Stewie while Brian, John and Tyler were with them.
"Drink this, honey. It'll bring your fever down." Lois said to Stewie pouring some medicine into a small cup and gave it to him to drink. "I'm gonna go run you a cool bath."
As Lois left the room to prepare Stewie's bath, Stewie rose up and spat out the medicine he still had in his mouth.
"She's one of them, I'm sure of it!" Stewie said still paranoid as he faced the trio beside his crib. "Now tell me what they injected me with!"
"Huh. Did you know Mr. T always wanted to be a Broadway dancer?" Brian asked while reading one of Peter's books.
"No, I did not." John said.
"Answer me, damn it!" Stewie demanded. "What have they done to me?!"
"All right, look. It could be any number of things. Gene manipulation. Sterylization." Brian said.
"They want my seed!" Stewie exclaimed in horror.
John and Brian looked at Tyler, who didn't seem to realize what they were looking at him for.
"Huh? Oh, right." Tyler said realizing it was his turn. "And from the look of your pupils, I'd say it's some kind of mind-control serum... or maybe not."
All three then left Stewie as he made a satisfied smile on their faces while the toddler sank even further into insanity.
Stewie used the small mirror in his crib to check on his condition. "Mind control? But I feel so lucid."
"Yes, you look spot on to me." Stewie's reflection agreed and complimented Stewie.
"Oh, why, thank you. I try to work out." Stewie said to his reflection feeling a bit flattered by the latter's words.
"Ugh, but who has the time, besides trophy wives?" The reflection remarked.
"Yes, that's rich." Stewie agreed chuckling at his reflection's joke until he screamed realizing what was happening, grabbed and threw the mirror at his crib's mobile. The mobile's birds began to spin around until they turned into real birds and spread around the room and their heads soon turned to Mr. T's.
"Didn't want to be a mean guy. Wanted to be a dancer." The Mr. T bird said as they then did a little dance.
Stewie climbed to the top of the crib's bar, but fell off into suddenly an ocean. Stewie struggled to swim while the sky changed colors and then a shark's fin rose from the water behind to eventually reveal to be the nose of a giant Lois' head as Stewie was clinging on to the tip of the nose.
"You!" Stewie said to the giant head.
"I am taking your brain. You are my slave." The giant head said to Stewie.
"Nooooo!" Stewie exclaimed in horror as he dropped back into the ocean again.
It turned out that Lois was giving Stewie his bath and he was merely hallucinating.
"Why is he freaking out like that?" Meg came in and asked Lois.
"Oh, he's having a little hallucination from the fever..." Lois explained. Downstairs, John and Tyler were laughing their asses off to Stewie's torment, having gotten their revenge, though neither Lois nor Meg noticed them. "...just like when you were 3 and you accidentally ate those adult brownies I was saving for the Doobie Brothers concert."
"WHAT?!" John exclaimed from downstairs having somehow heard what Lois said.
Back at the golf course, Chris was having fun with his new job as he made faces at the golfers and deflected their response (i.e. golf balls) with his mattress and laughed at their failed attempts to hit him.
Elsewhere, Peter was helping Cleveland Jr. with golf practice at the golf course.
"I'm gonna be on a cereal box. Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah! It's not small, no, no, no!" Cleveland Jr. cheered.
"All right, now pay attention, Junior." Peter said to Cleveland Jr. trying to get him to focus. "Now, you wanna keep your shoulders straight and your knees bent. And, uh... just-just once, for-for me, would-would you call me Mr. Drummond?"
It cut back to Chris picking up golf balls in the driving range as a secret tunnel behind him opened up and out came Paddy Tanniger.
"Hey, Griffin, down here." Paddy called Chris, who turned and spotted him. "Yeah, it's a secret tunnel like Hogan's Heroes. Big whoop. Want to fight about it? Look, here's your first week's pay."
Paddie handed to Chris his first check.
"All right, Chris!" Chris exclaimed overjoyed by his hardwork.
Peter and Cleveland Jr. got in a golf cart as Chris ran up to them.
"Dad! Dad, look!" Chris said to Peter trying to get his attention.
"Tha-That's great, Chris, but I'm trying to be a good father here." Peter dismissed Chris as he turned to Cleveland Jr.. "I'm real proud of you, champ. Let's go get a milkshake."
"You got it, Mr. Drummond." Cleveland Jr. said to Peter.
They drove off to get their milkshakes, which made Chris feel neglected.
Chris was back home, but was now moping on the sidewalk when John and Tyler came in still laughing at what they did with Stewie. The duo soon noticed Chris on the sidewalk and went over to him to see what was the matter. Before they could ask, a mailwoman was driving away from Quagmire, who was in his robe.
"Hey, what's wrong, kid?" Quagmire asked first.
"That's what we wanted to know." John said.
"Yep. Same here." Tyler agreed.
"My dad doesn't care about me anymore." Chris said.
"Dude, that's just sad." Tyler said feeling pity for Chris.
"Wow. Well-Well, hey, at least you have a dad." Quagmire told Chris. "When I was growing up, it was just me and my mom."
Cutaway #7
It showed when Quagmire was a mere toddler crying in his mother's arms.
"Oh, looks like somebody's hungry." Quagmire's mother said acknowledging her baby's mood.
She opened her blouse revealing her breasts to Quagmire, who stopped crying after he spotted his mother's twins.
"All right!" Baby Quagmire said in satisfaction in a high pitched version of his voice as he then started sucking his mother's breast.
End
Quagmire took them back to his place where, John and Tyler were sitting on Quagmire's sofa.
"Is there a reason why your dad doesn't care about you?" John asked Chris.
"I don't know. I just wanted him to be proud of me." Chris said. "I even got a job."
"Then, what's the problem?" John asked.
"Well, there's your problem. Jobs are for suckers." Quagmire said.
"And what exactly is your solution, then?" John asked.
"Simple. He just needs to learn how to have a good time. Come on." Quagmire said dragging Chris away beore coming back to John and Tyler. "You know what? You two are coming along, too."
"What?" John asked.
"Come on, let's go." Quagmire said pushing all three boys away.
"Uh, where are we even going?" Tyler asked confused about Quagmire's statement.
It cut to a license plate reading "BUSHMAN" before zooming out to be part of Quagmire's car, which he was driving with Chris, John and Tyler. They stopped next to an attractive blonde woman waiting at a bus stop.
"Heh. Go ahead, kid. Try it out." Quagmire told Chris.
"Um, excuse me, you dropped something." Chris told the woman, who looked down on the ground to see what she supposedly dropped before Chris soon said. "My jaw. Heh. Heh. Heh. Heh. All right."
"Now you two." Quagmire told John and Tyler.
"Um, yeah. Heh. Heh. Heh..." John and Tyler teased uncomfortably to the woman before they both cringed. "We're really sorry about that."
Quagmire then drove off, leaving the woman behind.
"Heh. Nice goin'." Quagmire congratulated Chris before turning his head to John and Tyler in the back. "You two, on the other hand, could use a little practice."
"Mr. Quagmire, look out!" John warned Quagmire pointing at something on the road.
Quagmire turned around to find he was heading toward a traffic light as all four screamed until they crashed. The airbags came up as Quagmire and Chris slammed their heads onto the dashboard, except they were actually inflatable sex dolls.
"Heh. All right!" Quagmire said while his face was still buried into the sex doll's lower body.
"All right." Chris also said.
Unfortunately for John and Tyler, they did not get the same treatment as their faces were planted into the back of the driver and passenger seats.
"Ooww..." Tyler moaned in pain.
They went to a bowling alley where Quagmire made a strike, receiving an applause from a group of female bowlers. Quagmire blowed them a kiss as thanks.
One of the woman changed their shoes and placed her heels in her bag. Without any of the woman noticing, Quagmire took one of the heels out and inhaled the odor in it, giving him a sense of satisfaction.
He handed it to Chris, who sniffed it and was repulsed. Chris handed it to John, but he detected the smell from inside and threw up offscreen. The last one was Tyler, who after giving a quick whiff made a disgusted look on his face and passed out.
They were now on the road again. Quagmire seemed pleased, while Chris, John and Tyler were not looking too well.
"I don't think I like feet as much as you do." Chris said to Quagmire.
"I don't think I like feet at all." Tyler said.
"Same here." John agreed.
"Hey, everybody likes feet." Quagmire disagreed as he pulled over and got out. "Come on, the party's just startin'."
"Party? What party?" Tyler asked Quagmire.
"The party that we're going to over there." Quagmire informed them as he and Chris left while John and Tyler, however, followed behind walking instead.
The party Quagmire mentioned was at a beach where there were teenagers in 1960s swimwear and dancing as if they were in an old 1960s Beach Party films.
film.
[Beachgoers]
I'm gonna grab my girl
And head to the beach!
Hic-a-doo-la!
We're gonna all hang ten
And maybe then!
Hic-a-doo-la!
It showed the male beachgoers holding up a surfboard.
[Boys]
'Cause I'm a hic-a-doo-la boy...
It then panned up to show the female beachgoers standing on top of the surfboard the male beachgoers were holding.
[Girls]
...and I'm a hic-a-doo-la girl...
It then zoomed out to show both the boys and girls together in a group shot.
[Beachgoers]
...and together, it is a hic-a-doo-la world
Hic-a-doo-la!
It then cut to Chris, John, Tyler and Quagmire in beach attire, but as Chris and Quagmire were dancing along with the beachgoers, John and Tyler were rather caught by surprise after suddenly finding themselves in beach attire without remembering about changing into them. Chris was also somewhat confused as to what was going on, but mostly for the lyrics.
"Mr. Quagmire, what does 'hic-a-doo-la' mean?" Chris asked Quagmire.
"Yeah, it sounds like a made-up word." Tyler said seeing how nonsensical the word is.
Everyone, including Quagmire, paused and stared at both John, Tyler and Chris for what they said.
"What does 'hic-a-doo-la' mean?" The beachgoers, again including Quagmire, repeated seemingly shocked by the trio's question.
"Yes, what does 'hic-a-doo-la' mean?" John asked.
"Well, 'hic-a-doo-la''s that special feeling you get when you hold hands with your best gal." One of the male beachgoers explained to the boys.
"It's cheering real loud for the home team!" One of the female beachgoers also explained, but in a different context.
"It's catching the perfect wave!" Another male beachgoer explained, also in a completely different context.
"It's obeying all the rules!" A sea captain instead explained.
This sudden twist caught the beachgoers that tried to explain the context of 'hic-a-doo-la' by surprise.
"No way!" The beachgoers all protested in unison.
The sea captain was dumbfounded by the baechgoers' response as the camera zoomed in and out on his face a few times until it showed the beachgoers carrying him over to and throwing him into the water.
"Hey, are we in Tiananmen?" Quagmire asked. "Because I see a square!"
It then showed the group shot of the beachgoers one more time before the song ended.
[Beachgoers]
Hic-a-doo-la!
Peter, meanwhile, was still helping Cleveland Jr. practice with golf as the latter putted a ball into a hole.
"Hey, great shot, Cleveland Jr." Peter congratulated Cleveland Jr..
"Thanks, Mr. Drummond." Cleveland Jr. thanked Peter.
"Listen, for, uh, for-for today, can you-can you switch and call me Mr. Papadapolis?" Peter then asked Cleveland Jr.
"You got it." Cleveland Jr. replied.
"And would ya-would ya hate me if I called you Webster?" Peter asked again.
"That's the line!" Cleveland Jr. then said now pissed at what Peter said.
"Okay, sorry." Peter quickly apologized.
"Hi, Tom Tucker, local news anchor, and on my days off, an avid golf enthusiast." Tom Tucker appeared and greeted Peter. "You know, the club's having a Man-Boy golf tournament. You two should enter."
"A tournament, huh?" Peter wondered. "That gives me an idea. Come on, I'll explain in the car!"
Peter and Tom Tucker rushed over to Peter's car, leaving Cleveland Jr. by himself to practice. They entered Peter's car and continued their conversation.
"This is the perfect way for me to show my friends what a great father figure I've been to Cleveland Jr.! I'll do it!" Peter said to Tom Tucker accepting the latter's offer as they both now got out of the car and went back to Cleveland Jr.
Next, Quagmire took the boys to a strip club called the Fuzzy Clam, though this didn't sit well with John and Tyler, who were uncomfortable about just being there, most specifically John due to his feelings for Meg.
"Where should we sit?" Chris asked Quagmire, who seemed unfazed by the fact that he was in a strip club.
"Heh. That's not up to me, kid." Quagmire said. "I follow the old divining rod." Suddenly, Quagmire was pulled by an unseen force away from the boys.
A stripper came up to them. The stripper was a short-haired brunette wearing a black bikini.
"How old are you three?" The stripper asked the trio pinching Chris' cheek.
"Old enough to know you're a whore." Chris told her.
"Does 'old enough to know we're not supposed to be here' count?" Tyler asked.
The stripper then pulled them all away.
Quagmire was being entertained by one of the strippers in one of the club's booths. The stripper was a long-haired blonde wearing a trenchcoat, which she removed along with a blue skirt, releaving herself in a blue bikini having managed to arouse Quagmire as he threw out a bunch of dollar bills from his wallet as she then started shaking her hips, which got Quagmire more aroused.
Back to the boys, Chris had his eyes glued to the stripper on stage while John and Tyler were covering their eyes.
"Come on. Talk to me, sweetie. You look a little down." The stripper said to Chris wanting to talk to him.
"I always thought I'd go to my first nudie bar with my dad, but he doesn't have time for me." Chris told the stripper.
"Well, sweetie, part of growing up is learning that adults aren't perfect." The stripper told Chris removing her top. "Come on, your dad deserves another chance."
"Wow! You are smart!" Chris said to her.
"If she's so smart, then why is she working at a strip club?" Tyler asked.
"I think what's she trying to say is that you should go back to your dad." John suggested when went over to Quagmire and took out a few dollar bills from his wallet and handed them to the stripper. "Come on, let's go."
The boys left the strip club leaving Quagmire by himself.
""All right! Heh." Quagmire said enjoying the stripper's body until he noticed he was out of money. "Oh, no! No, it's not all right! I'm out of cash! Hey, you take bankcards?"
"Sure." The stripper answered as she was tying her hair.
Quagmire pulled out his card and swiped it between her ass cheeks.
The stripper obviously didn't like that.
"Can I get stamps, too?" Quagmire asked, but the stripper's response was a slap to his face.
Back at the golf course, the tournament had arrived as several fathers and sons entered the competition, including Peter and Cleveland Jr..
"We're here at the 17th hole, where Peter Griffin and Cleveland Jr. are five strokes ahead, making victory all but a certainty." TomTucker said as if he was on camera only to reveal he was actually peeing in some nearby bushes without any of the golfers noticing as he zipped up and walked away.
Cleveland Jr. putted his ball into the 17th hole receiving an applause from the crowd.
"I told ya I could mold your son into a champion. This is gonna be my greatest victory ever...except for the time I defeated my evil twin." Peter said to Cleveland before reminiscing about a past experience.
Cutaway #8
It showed Lois pointing a gun at two Peters on the roof of a building during nighttime.
"Not me, Lois. Shoot him. I'm the real Peter." Peter #1 told Lois trying to direct her to the other Peter next to him.
Lois kept turning to both Peter, unsure which one to shoot. "I don't know."
"Lois, look at me." Peter #2 said to Lois. "You know your own husband, don't you?"
After a moment to think, Lois shot at Peter #1 and dropped the gun.
"Thank God. You made the right choice, honey." Peter congratulated Lois as they embraced until Peter's face flipped open, revealing he's not the real Peter where his real face was robotic.
"What was that?" Lois asked as Peter quickly placed his false face back on before Lois saw the robotic one.
"Nothing." Peter quickly denied.
End
"One more hole and that Man-Boy trophy is ours." Peter said to Cleveland Jr. as he took out a golf ball from his pocket. "Here ya go, buddy."
He tossed it to Cleveland Jr., who instead started kicking it like a hackey sac.
"Hey, look at me! I'm Pele! I'm Pele!" Cleveland Jr. said having changed his interests as he started playing with the golf ball. "Goal!"
"Where the-Where the hell's he going?!" Peter asked stupified by what just happened as Joe and Cleveland were laughing at him.
"He's gone." Cleveland informed Peter. "Maybe you better stick to looking after your own son."
Peter hung his head in shame realizing that he has technically forfeited the tournament while Cleveland and Joe continued laughing at him.
Later that day, Peter was using one of the driving ranges to try and get over what happened at the golf tournament.
The boys arrived and encouraged Chris to join him, which the latter did as he started stroking.
Without anyone noticing, Peter moved a bit closer to Chris in an attempt to reconciliate with him. It works, but Peter started stroking in the other direction leading to a windshield being smashed with the two of them noticing (except John and Tyler, who're taken by surprise by this sudden turn of events).
Chris also started stroking at the same direction Peter was and accidentally knocked a woman unconscious offscreen.
"Oh, my God!" Someone said offscreen acknowledging the accident.
"Is she dead?" Another came by and asked.
"No, I think she's still ali-" Man #1 almost said before Peter stroked another ball at her, killing her upon impact without realizing what happened. "No, that did it."
"Um, guys." John tried to call out to Peter and Chris, but they didn't hear him as they kept stroking more and more golf balls in the other direction and the duo tried to now get them to stop.
It zoomed out to show the accident involving the woman, who was now lying dead on the ground while the men that tried to help her were now looking at her corpse just as an ambulance pulled up to take the body away.
The End
[A/N: And with that, season 2 has now come to an end at last. Hope you'll all still be around for when Family Guy JT: Season 3 arrives. I would also like to thank you all for your support on the series and for helping me get this far. Thank you all so much. And I hope the series get to continue by this point. So, anyways, thanks for reading and I'll see you all again in season 3! Take care!]