Song for this chapter is White Blood by Oh Wonder. I don't own anything.
The rain trickling down the window pane caught my attention as I glanced around the room. I had been waiting for Jude to finish talking to his moms for nearly half an hour now. Jude had taken nearly an hour in that confining costume closet to convince me that telling his moms was the best option I had, really the only option I had. I don't know how I could have been lucky enough to meet Jude, what stars had to have aligned for me to meet such a perfect human being. From the corner of his eyes that scrunched together when he laughed to his soft, long fingers that always seemed to fold in the most bizarre ways, I loved him. Jude was the eye of the storm that was my life, always bringing peace and tranquillity in a life filled with nothing but bombs. I thought back to a time where two streets didn't intersect and what a bland and boring time that was. Jude was the fireworks in a clear summer sky, his eyes like the sparkles that fascinated many.
"Does the rain not make you sad?" Asked an amused voice from the frame of the door.
Looking up from the small puddle I had become entranced with while my mind ran I smiled at the figure in the doorway. The grin that stretched across my own cheeks seemed to spread to the boy standing across from me. Thinking more deeply I realized that our emotions really were attached to a long string, pulling one would only stretch out the other's.
"Not really." I paused before adding, "I wanna go dance outside Jude. Would you like to dance with me?"
Jude was slightly taken aback by my words at first before the light sparkled in his eyes. That light, even if it was just a flicker made a smile that couldn't possibly seem to get any bigger grow even further.
"I would love to dance with you in the rain." Jude responded with the charm of a true gentlemen.
Standing up from my place on the couch I removed my phone from my pocket, as well as Jude's from his, and then grabbed my lover lightly by the waist to pull him outside to the cool fall drizzle. Once we had reached the crisp air I felt Jude push himself further into my body, looking for warmth. I tightened my grip on the smaller boy and nuzzled my head into the top of his head where I placed a quiet kiss. Suddenly out of nowhere Jude removed himself from my side and took a step out into the water pouring from the sky.
"May I have this dance Mr. Stevens?" Jude said while using the most proper voice he could muster and displaying his hand out to me as well.
I giggled at the gesture but accepted nonetheless and enclosed our hands, longing for some kind of warmth to soothe my chills from the rain. We returned to our earlier position with my hands attached to Jude's hips, but this time I felt two small hands clasped around my neck. Swaying back and forth to music we found within ourselves, I felt at peace, not a care in the world except for the one in my arms. Before long I could tell that Jude was growing everly colder and I nudged closer to him so that his face was easily resting in my neck. Still swaying to a silent rhythm, I felt warm lips pressed against the tender spot of my neck. God how could one person be so perfect. Jude's delicate lips seemed to almost ghost over my skin, a promise that this wasn't over, a reminder of everything we've had.
"You don't have to do this alone Connor."
"I know that now." I leant down to catch the brown-eyed boys lips with my own. "Thank you Jude."
While the cold chilled me to the bone there was something about it that seemed to awaken nerves I didn't even know existed. The rain was like a bath washing all the of the past months away; the pain, the abuse, the emotions, the emptiness. This was a fresh start and it made me happier than I could actually fathom. I was ready for whatever struggles were to come next, whatever fight my dad put up was something that I could handle. I was ready to climb this mountain whether I ended up falling back down or reaching the peak, as long as Jude is by my side.
Another ten minutes must have passed before Jude's voice broke the light pattering of raindrops against the deck. "Connor I don't want you to be sad anymore." Our positions didn't change as we continued our endless swaying, the cold no longer having an effect on either of us. "You've spent your fair share of time down on yourself Connor, I'll help swing you out of this low."
Rather than giving Jude the acknowledgment I think he wanted I tried my best to express the need I had for him to be here right now. "Jude you give me happiness. I love you so much." I felt the beginning of my own tears begin to form trails down my cheeks, but for once they were tears of happiness.
Jude ripped himself from my tight grip only to run his hands up and down my arms and pointlessly wipe the tears that had collected in my eyes. I laughed at his actions. "We're soaking wet anyway, what's the point?"
"All I want is for you to be happy, is that too much to ask for?" Just the sound of his voice sent shivers running up my spine, and let butterflies loose in my stomach.
"No it isn't, and you're the number reason I work for it."
The next thing I knew I was lost in the lips of a boy who had swept me off my feet and made my heart hurt in ways no scientist could ever explain. Warm and swollen lips pressed together and felt so right, two mouths that only had so much to say, but too much to convey through their magical powers. This is what perfection felt like, I only hoped I didn't wake up to cold sheets and an even colder eyes staring me down.
. . .
"I honestly can't believe that you boys stayed outside in that freezing cold rain, you could have gotten sick." Jude's mom, Lena, said with a worried expression coating her face.
"We are completely fine mom, besides it's really not that cold." Jude defended the two of us.
"You keep telling yourself that mister." Pipped up Stef from her spot where she stood next to Lena.
Jude and I had been outside for nearly a half an hour before Jude's moms came out looking for the two of us, saying that we had a lot to discuss and they needed us to come inside. Now we were sat on the couch, Jude pressed up against my side and a thick blanket wrapped around the two of us. It didn't take long for me to find Jude's hand under the warm insulation and interlock our fingers. Just his touch was enough to put me at ease.
"So what do we need to talk about?" Jude asked politely.
Both Stef and Lena made eye contact, turning away from each other and eyes dulling as their faces sunk. I knew that my life couldn't just give me a break for five whole minutes.
"Well Connor we really don't mind if you stay with us for awhile but the thing is that we need to know why." Stef said in a calming tone despite her words.
I felt my hands begin to shake and my lip begin to tremble, as I attempted to hold back tears. I had never even thought about having to share my experiences with anybody other than Jude. It was true that I trusted Jude with my life and all my darkest secrets, but if I was being totally honest, I barely even knew his moms. The pressure from the situation and the stares of Stef and Lena caused my body to tense and my grip on Jude's hand to tighten.
"You need to tell them baby." I felt the weight of Jude's hand on my back as he leaned in further to whisper into my ear. "It's okay if you cry in front of them though, you shouldn't have to hold it in any longer Con."
I hesitantly nodded before looking down at my lap as if it held the answers to my future. This was going to be hard, but I just had to remember that Jude was here for me, with him here I could do anything. I took a deep breath through my nose and released it through my mouth. This was it, the first step from escaping the poison within my life.
"For years my dad has been neglectful and tried to mold me into exact son he wants, whether that's somebody I want to be or not." I paused for just a second to see Stef and Lena's reactions. They both wore wrinkled faces of concern, although they didn't seem to be too horrified just yet. I continued, "I think I've always known, but it wasn't until this year that I acknowledged my sexuality and considered coming out to my father. Just like me I think my dad always knew I wasn't that into girls." I stopped, this shouldn't be so hard, but for some fucking reason it was. "When I told him what we both had always known he refused to believe me and told me that no son of his would ever be gay."
This was the point when I started to feel the tears threatening me in the most menacing way, collecting in my eyes but refusing to fall.
"After finding out about Jude and realizing that I wasn't going to conform so easily he began to abuse me verbally, and then…" I stopped, my daze focused on the opposite wall for I don't know how long. Stef and Lena waiting patiently as I tried my best to collect myself.
It's weird how people are ashamed to admit the things that have happened to them. I hated that I had been abused, hated that I carried the weight of that around. I had done nothing wrong yet I still felt the guilt of a thousand criminals.
Jude continued to do anything he could to ease the tension from my body, ease the scars of pain that were so clearly seared into my head. "My dad began beating me after he caught Jude and I in my room. He would have hurt Jude too if he wasn't more concerned in taking me out. I'm so sorry." It was with this last confession that the two caring women seemed to understand the weight of the situation. "For nearly a week now he has been beating me until I admit that I'm straight. The sad part, the part I feel so bad about, is that I started to believe him."
The silence that followed was haunting in a way, it seemed to consume everything in the room, including myself. In an attempt to gain some kind of comfort I cuddled further into Jude until I don't think it was physically possible for us to get an closer. The weight of the moment pressed down on my shoulders. Yes this could be it, Stef and Lena could take this information and run with it, it was surely enough to get me out of my father's custody. The bruises and scars that consumed my body would be enough, but I am tired of living with just enough, I want him to pay his fair share for once.
"Connor I don't know what to say." Lena spoke up, "I'm so sorry we never noticed, but we're gonna do whatever it takes to get you out of that house and your dad taken care of okay?" I nodded in agreement. Yes, that's what I want, just to be out of that house, to be safe for once.
Lena and Stef continued explaining to me what was going to happen but I have to admit that I zoned out more than once. There was so much running through my head that I just couldn't think straight, my heart was screaming at me to just tell them, yet my brain was telling me that it was stupid. The last thing I want is for my dad to get out of prison in ten years and come after me for sharing things I was never supposed to utter.
"Connor!" Jude said as he lightly elbowed me in the arm to get my attention. I looked up at him and he gave me a soft smile before pointing to his moms.
"Connor are you okay? You seem to be distant. I know this can be a lot at once, you and Jude can go take a nap and we will discuss it in a little bit."
I took a sharp intake of breath. No I had just about worked up the courage to tell them and now I was getting sent off to sleep. Just as it had previously done, my lip began to quiver and my palms began to sweat.
"Con are you okay? Is there something else you want to say?" Leave it to Jude to know exactly what's wrong with me.
"Ummm yeah I guess there is." I said with a cracking voice. "Well.. It's just that I forgot to like tell you everything… you know everything about my dad." I wasn't even surprised at this point when I felt a hand place itself on my thigh.
"Go ahead Connor, the more we know the better." Lena responded gently.
"My mom is dead." I said solemnly.
It was almost amazing how in sync the three gasps that followed were. "Oh Connor, I'm so sorry."
"And my dad killed her."
*insert dramatic music here*
Alright so sorry that kinda sucked. It is edited, but very poorly.
I'm gonna try to have the last chapter and the epilogue up within the next week but I make no promises.
-Aly