CHAPTER 21 - HIOU
Where are you, Kyoko?
I scribble on the earth with a dry twig as I try to organize my frantic thoughts, ignore the annoying presence of Reino and soothe my racing heart. We have a son. We have a son. We have a son. When everything I know of the desert is sketched on the ground, I move away from my work and observe it. It's an impromptu map, but I need any visual help I can get.
"Oh? And where did she go?"
"Somewhere in the desert. I'm not sure, I've never been there and she never told me the way"
Kyoko did not tell Reino about her hiding place, but she took Nick there. She likes Nick. She trusts Nick.
"It was your responsibility to be with her, Ren. You let her cross the desert with a child, a cheerful fellow and your less-than-two-months-old son"
Damn, she tried to tell me. On the night of the commemoration, she tried to speak with me and I rejected her. She spent little time at her own party; she arrived after me and left soon after her failed attempt to speak to me alone. Now I understand the reason, she had a baby to take care of. My son. Our son.
"...Kyoko would never sleep with another man if it's you she loves!"
I do not give a damn about the spectacle I'm giving Reino, who settled quietly to watch me walk about and run my fingers through my hair. The bastard wants to be comfortable to better appreciate my agony.
"What do you expect from this map on the floor, Ren? I assure you that clairvoyance is not one of your Exceptional abilities, in case you are checking"
"Are you sure she never told you about her hiding place? No careless comment, no seemingly useless information?"
"She would never say anything about it to me. I'm not afraid of death, but when it comes to pain, the mere mention of torture would make me sing like a canary and Kyoko knows it"
Tsk, useless guy. Better to turn my attention to the rough map in front of me and the memories I have. Something must tell me where she went.
"Even so, Ren! She always found a way to include your name in our conversations. She watched you every time you turned around. Every time! She sighed all the time and blushed every time she distracted herself staring into nothingness. This is the kind of thing a person cannot disguise or pretend!"
I reminisce over all our conversations, even knowing that there is nothing in them. After all, I had plenty of time to analyze them to exhaustion. Therefore, I recall the stories she used to tell at night to my Clan, even though it was impossible for her to risk exposing her hideout to so many listeners. Finally, I recall the songs she hummed and even those I heard through Nick, but I find nothing that fits the map in front of me.
Frustration begins to overwhelm me. Maybe she did not tell me, after all. I'm working with the remote possibility that she has...
"No, do not go! Stay here!"
... unknowingly, shared with me ...
"I feel something terrible is going to happen!"
... something so important to her. Something she would only share if she trusted me.
"The Clan I would have given away for free, but unfortunately it was not: she paid a high price for it. Of all the sacrifices, hers was the greatest. I just had to give up some fucking status I never wanted; she had to give up your trust in her"
Something she would only share with me if she loved me.
"Tsk, you do not know how lucky you are, do you? Guys like you are really annoying. They drown in self-pity having everything that guys like me would give everything to have"
What am I not seeing?
"It's really annoying that you're the favorite of the only two women I've ever loved being the complete idiot you are"
When did you tell me, Kyoko? When would you tell me something so…?
The answer became obvious in a snap. Suddenly, the map was clear. I must be smiling like an idiot, because Reino is looking at me as if a second head is being born on my neck. Like I give a fuck about your opinion of me.
Kyoko, I found you!
Days later
Shit, I'm lost. I know I made the right way, but there was nothing in the last place that Kyoko indicated to me. Why she would give me an incomplete map escapes me. I have been walking around the last reference point for days, but I've found nothing but a few nomads and two damn sandstorms. My provisions are over and my strength is at the end, mitigated by what I know to be the effects of heat stroke.
I've always considered myself a tough guy. The kind that never gets sick and rarely gets tired. However, I've never tested my resistance in the desert like I'm doing now. Maybe I was overconfident for having deciphered her message; maybe I was euphoric to find out we have a child together and the implications of the fact that she revealed her hiding place to me. I only know it will be a pathetic death if I succumb to the immaturity of having defied the desert with more petulance than planning.
Ha ha, what a stupid way to die! is my last thought before I see the sky spinning and the vastness of sand slowly approach my face.
###
"It's the Master ... What happened ...?"
"Heat stroke ... water ... Nick ..."
"... head ... more water ..."
"It's ... okay ... hear? ... be fine ..."
I try to wake up, but I cannot. I hear distant voices and fragmented sentences and I feel someone manipulating my body, but I cannot stay focused or move my limbs. My head throbbed unbearably. Sometimes I hear a siren in the background, like an alarm, followed by hurried footsteps. I want to run too, alarms always mean that something bad is happening, but my body does not obey me.
Eventually the words become more understandable and I finally recognize Kyoko's voice. When my body becomes less heavy, I blessedly can feel her fingers on my scalp, driving away the throbbing that bothers me so much. Someone bathes me; unfortunately, it's Nick. He does not stop talking even when the listener seems unconscious. The siren is back and I can almost lift my body, though my eyes keep shut. Kyoko… I need to save Kyoko! The siren stops and everything is silent again.
I can raise an arm, but my eyes still refuse to open. For a moment, I fear being blind, which makes me instinctively touch my eyes, but in their place, I feel a damp cloth. Phew, so that's why I could not open them!
I remove the blindfold and my eyelids flutter open. The big, apprehensive amber eyes focused on me make me smile.
"Hello, troublemaker"
###
I'm trying hard not to cry, but for the tender expression he's making, I'm failing miserably. Damn postpartum hormones!
"Oh? When you look at me like that, with so much concern and relief stamped on your face, I begin to imagine that you like me a little..."
Relief? Precisely. He came after me, so he does not hate me, right? And he's smiling at me, as if he's really happy to see me, so maybe he will forgive me when he learns of the things I've done. And he has regained his senses, which means he is recovering, so he will be fine. That is, I have many reasons to be relieved.
I try to laugh, but I can only sob. I try again and it's one more sob that escapes me. When the first tear trickles down my cheek, he finds enough strength to pull me to his chest.
He's nuzzling my head while I practically howl all the sadness, loneliness and fear of the past few months. I do not know how long we've stayed like this; I just know that when I calmed down enough, I realized I had soaked his chest.
I'm so good at embarrassing myself...
I try to wipe it discreetly, but by the reverberation of his low laughter on my face, I failed. Damn, I even missed him when he laughed at me! Damn hormones of pregnancy and postpartum!
"How did you find me?" Well, technically he did not find me, but as the nomads said he was very close to here, I imagine he must have found the way.
"I could ask you the same question..." I missed his annoying tirades, too. Hormones are dangerous! "... but since you asked first ..." He starts moving my hand across his chest. "I noticed you told me. Numerous times, by the way. Every time we made love, the imaginary lines you traced in my chest after sex were the map to get to you. Only you did not complete it, which left me lost for days. So, since I have answered your question, tell me: how did you-"
"Were you lost for days and did not ask for guidance?"
"... What do you mean by that?"
"Why did not you ask the nomads about me?"
"... ask the nomads?"
"Are you serious, Ren?"
"..."
"Oh for fuck's sake! What's wrong with men? Why do not you guys ask the fucking way?"
"Hey, how would I know-"
"Who else would you ask in the middle of the desert?"
"How would I know that the nomads know your hiding place?"
"Very simple: asking! 'Hey, I'm looking for Kyoko. Do you know where she is?' Something like that!"
"Errrrr ... guys, is everything okay?"
I abruptly lift my head from Ren's chest and find Nick and Maria standing at the door, gaping at our heated argument.
"Why are you fighting, Mama, when in fact you want to-"
"MARIA! What did I tell you about using your skill with your family?"
"... that is rude and that I should not do it"
"Skill? Does Maria have a skill?" Oops. Ren is looking from me to Maria as if he understands our non-verbal communication. "Oh, apparently the daughter also hid some relevant information from me! And I bet she did it under her mother's guidance..."
There is a wicked gleam in his eyes, but Ren is not angry. It's the same look he used to have when he found me after I spent hours hiding from him and that, as always, makes a shiver run through my body.
"Hello, Master Ren! Good to see you finally conscious! What a fright you gave us! So before you give vent to the obvious sexual tension between you-"
"What is sexual tension?"
"It's nothing, Maria. Uncle Nick chose the wrong words, that's all" I love him, but I'll kill him sometime.
"-Hiou woke up again and Kanae is not managing to calm him down. I did not bring him with me because his crying always stirred Master Ren, but now can I bring him?"
I look at Ren for an answer, but he seems petrified looking at Nick. I do not know how to interpret the expression he's doing, especially since we have not talked about Hiou yet.
Nick told me a few things about Ren. And to think that the idiot imagined that Reino had gotten me pregnant...
"You can go get Hiou, Mama. I'll keep him company"
Maria noticed my apprehension and found her way of telling me that I need not worry. I should repeat to her not to use her skill with me, but I cannot require the girl to do something I cannot teach her how to do. Hell, I don't even know if it's possible! It is a burden, really, to feel the real intent of people. If we lived in a world of peace, I would not worry so much, but Maria is submitted from birth with the most vile intentions. It is not by chance that she is so mature for her age.
As I leave the room, I hear Maria tell Ren what I have failed to say: that the nomads only brought him to me when he collapsed because they found, in the midst of his clothes, the replica of the Digger 47. They immediately recognized the doll and understood that he was looking for me. I hear him answer that he brought the doll to finally return it to Maria before closing the door behind me and entering the room next door, where Hiou protests his mother's absence and drives Kanae crazy.
"I swear your son hates me!"
She insists on appearing to abominate children, even after I have discovered that she, in fact, has so much compassion for the frailty of the little ones in this cruel world that she cannot stand looking at them. Under a facade of indifference, she has a great heart. In fact, since I was forced to interact with people on a personal level, being myself and not one of my personas, I perceived latent and unexpected traits of humanity everywhere.
It is as if humanity - kindness and compassion - was struggling to survive as much as humanity - the human race: both are battered and hopeless, but the right opportunity is enough for them to manifest in all their glory.
Or it's just the hormones talking and making me see rainbows and butterflies everywhere.
I apologize to Kanae for the inconvenience and set Hiou in my arms. He is exceptionally calm, as if he could feel how tense I am by finally leading him to meet his father.
When I return to the room, Nick and Maria say goodbye to Ren and leave discreetly. I mean, as discreetly as both can. Ren is sitting, I imagine Nick helped him. He also ate a little, probably Maria convinced him.
Ren looks at the small bundle in my arms as if it were the executioner's ax and I almost laugh: the strongest man on the planet is afraid of a baby who can barely bear the weight of his own head.
"His name is Hiou" Ren tests the name a few times, until finally he proclaims that he likes it. I let out the breath I did not know I was holding and I make mention of handing Hiou to him, but Ren just leaned more against the wall. His eyes did not leave his son for a second, but he looks so surprised and restless that I smile. "Do not you want to hold him?"
He finally looks at me, and does it like I'm crazy.
"Hold him? No, no! Bad idea!"
"Oh really? In this case, can I tell Nick that he can be Hiou's father, after all?"
He gives me an insulted look that would have a better effect if the arms he stretched to hold his son were not hesitant. I give Hiou to him and it becomes obvious that Ren has never held a baby in his life because he looks terrified and fumbles with his own hands. It's the second most adorable thing I've ever seen in my life, after Maria and Hiou, tied for first.
"He is fine? He is so soft! Is he sick?"
"He is great"
"Are you sure? There seems to be something wrong with his neck!"
"Believe me, his neck is fine"
"I think I suck at it. He looks so restless!"
"Babies are like this"
"And what... facial expressions are these? I do not understand what he's trying to tell me!"
On the outside, I'm calm; on the inside, I'm pissing myself off laughing. The six of us are, actually.
"He's saying, 'I do not know who this guy is, but I'd like him to change my diapers.' Something like that"
"... You're making fun of me, are not you?"
I could not contain the laughter this time. I was ready to apologize when Ren smiled. As a reward, I told him all I know about facial spasms and the basic expressions of joy, excitement and anguish I have seen Hiou do, and that seems to calm Ren. The fact that he wants to understand his son moves me almost to tears. Damn hormones!
"He's so small and light... is he eating enough?"
"Oh yes, your little one is ravenous!"
As if reminded of something important, Hiou begins to whimper.
"What? What did I do wrong? Did I hurt him?"
I would feel sorry for Ren if his uneasiness was not so funny. I take Hiou from his arms, not without first registering the reluctance with which he gave me our son. At this point, the whining has already become a furious cry that almost did not allow me to hear Ren murmuring "siren". Appropriate. I accommodate Hiou and he starts to suckle.
After a few seconds just watching the little one sucking at my breast, he lets out a sigh. Ren seems fascinated by the vision, and I'm fascinated by his fascination. I lean against his chest and he gladly welcomes us. We stayed like this, in our bubble, for many minutes. It is as if there were no secrets or guilt between us, only warmth and comfort, until the weariness for the days I spent caring for Ren overcomes me and I fall asleep feeling his arms around me and our son.
When I wake up, two wars await me. The most difficult of them will be the first one: tell the whole truth to Ren and convince him to forgive me, even though I do not think I would forgive him if I were in his place.
N/A - I calculate two more chapters: the next will be the last one and then an epilogue.
I do not know if it is so in your country, but in mine there is a joke that men never admit that they are lost or ask for guidance on the way (fact that I have confirmed many, many times!) XD
For those who do not remember, Ren mentioned the "random lines" that Kyoko always traced in his chest in Chapter 15!
Oh yes, I always thought Hiou looked like Kyoko! XD
Thank you very much for the support. Your guys are the sweetest little things!