Chapter 21: The Funhouse of Whoredoms
note: This is a little short, but I'm trying to write less lengthy chapters so I can update more quickly. Sometimes I write really long ones and then I'm spent.lol
note: Thanks for all the reviews-you guys are all awesome! And don't worry for those who hate dirty eddie- Carlisle's got something special up his sleeve in the next chapter to purge Edward of his "perversions!"lol
APOV
The room was a hot mess of Edwardian perversions. With Kid Rock's "So Hott" playing on a loop, I looked around shaking my head.
Of course to the side of the bed was the ol' trusty Carmen Electra Stripping Pole-slash-Ballet-ates Workout Bar. But Edward had added a couple touches--there was now a sort of Boudouir section to the area behind the pole. The furniture was instantly recoginizable-they were older articles that had long been banished to the attic. But he arranged the dainty pieces-a full length mirror, vanity table and mirror, and a clothing rack-in such a way that they made it clear it was a sort of "prep" area for Bella's pole dances. Her sexy baby dolls were now hung up on full display on the clothing rack.
Seeing all her hardly there pieces lined up on the rack next to the pole made me realize something-even if Grandpa Edward had gone along with our rationalizations the whole time with ballet-ates, Dirty Edward was always aware of what Bella and I were up to.
To the left of the bed was Edward's treasured Baby Grand Piano. But hanging on top of it from the ceiling was a huge leather Swing--I may not be a huge sex freak, but I knew about these leather strapped swings--I watch MTV.
"EDWARD!" I pointed accusingly at swing. "Ew! That's a sex swing!"
"Not at all! It's a regulation adult sized swing, that's all. I can't put Bella on some flimsy child swing that could break easily. " He tried to make a very innocent face when Esme shot him a look. "Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson placed this very type of swing above Tommy Lee's piano, and it helped him break his musical writing block in the 90's when Pamela would swing while he played piano. It was very...soothing and inspirational for him. He said so much on MTV Cribs."
We all looked at him increduously. Man, can Dirty Eddie outplay even me when it comes to the "A Rose By Another Name is NOT a Rose" game.
Edward stared back at us with puppy eyes. "What? It's true. Tommy's only 90's radio hit "Gets Naked" featuring Lil' Kim and Fred Dunst was apparently penned during a Pamela Lee Swing session! Who knows what musical gems await me inspirationally if my dear Bella innocently swung for me as well?" His face didn't even break slightly out of character. Evil horny teen vampire.
I rolled my eyes. "Well, Thank God that wonderful composition was inspired-how would we had lived without Tommy Lee singing about nudity and hiding his giant hoo-ha behind a jumbo sized remote control in the music video? Revolutionary stuff there."
Emmett snorted. "Yeah, if Tommy can be inspired to write about getting naked, what classics will Edward come up with? Maybe a sweet ditty entitled, " Is that an Industrial Strength Notebook, or Are You Just Happy To See Me?"
Jasper chimed in. "Or his instant masterpiece, "I'll Love You Forever, Sweet Ass?"
Emmett shot back, " Or his magum opus, "Gotta Have Some More Pootie Tang In Front Of Mike and Mrs. Newton At Their Camping Store?"
"Boys!" Esme shushed them before they continued and made Bella's blushing go deep purple.
Jasper tried to get the conversation back on track. "Well, the upside Edward is that you've outpimped both Outkast and Tommy Lee from MTV Cribs. Outkast has a stripper pole, but not a sex swing. Tommy Lee has a swing, but no stripper pole. Play on, Playa." I smacked him on the head. Human or vampire, boys are totally gross.
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BPOV
The swing and strip pole additions were embarrassing enough. But it was the other "attraction" --smack dab in the middle of the room--that was the most ridiculous of them all. It was the one that Esme couldn't stop staring at and shaking her head.
He had blown up jumbo sized kiddie pool and laid the blow up mattress he bought from Mike Newton beside it. To the other side of the pool? At least 100 bottles of KY Warming Liquid, empty, thrown carelessly in a pile. He was filling the entire pool with the stuff. And he had plenty of supplies for the job-in the corner was a huge pallette full of the KY product. Oh, Lawd, Alice created a KY warming monster.
Esme was walking closer to the pool and Edward casually spoke in her direction. "Mom, the pool is just to help with my temperature "issues" with Bella. She can't sleep by me without getting a chill. I thought I'd set up this little "warming station" where I dip in the Warming Liquid and then let myself dry off a little on the air mattress before laying by her at night. Just until she goes back to her house of course." Esme just looked at him like she thought he was full of crap.
"Remember that human chef we watched once on TV, Emeril, making fried chicken? He dipped the chicken in a batter, and shook off the excess liquid, and then breaded it? Think of me in those terms-I'm just breading myself so I don't give poor Bella a cold." Jasper and Emmett were snorting behind him-they loved watching him squirm in front of Esme.
"And here I thought colds were caused by viruses, not chills, my dear Harvard Medical School educated son."Esme bent over the air mattress and picked up a book that was laying in the middle of it. "What's Kama Su--tra?" Jasper and Emmett started snorting again while bending over and hitting eachother. They were enjoying watching the Golden Boy of the famiy fall from grace a little too much.
Edward rushed towards her, "Nothing Mom. Just an Eastern form of healing..."
Before he reached her, she opened up the book, saw an illustration of one of the "healing" techinques of Kama Sutra, gasped, and threw the book back on the mattress. "Temperatures issues, indeed, Edward."That was the last straw for her.
"EDWARD. Get in Carlisle's office THIS INSTANT. Alice, call your father and tell him to come home THIS INSTANT. Rose, wipe that smirk off your face and clean up all these empty bottles. Bella, take all those babydolls down over there and pack them away--for your HONEYMOON." OUCH. Busted.
"Jasper and Emmett, get that swing down, pop both the air mattress and the kiddie pool and throw them away. And then clear Edward's room for me and get the bunk bed out from the attic and set it up back in here. " Edward looked angry, but walked out the door with Esme following after him.
Jasper called out in Emmett's direction, "Dibs on the sex swing and the Kama Sutra book."
Emmett nodded. "But only if you help me get the pallette into my room and I keep the stripper pole."
Alice chimed in while she was speed dialing Carlisle. "Ew, no way are we dibbing the sex swing. Lord knows what Edward did to it in the last couple of hours. You throw that out this instant, and then wash your hands before you come back into the house."
Human or vampire, boys are totally gross.
I felt a rush of emotion in that moment-like I helped to create the current mess that was Edward and his imbalances. All my scheming with Alice has made everything such a horrible mess.
. Alice leaned into me. "It's okay, Bella. Carlisle's going to make everything better. He's not just a doctor and psychologist-but a S-exorcist as well. Edward will be back to his old self in no time, with a little help from all of us."
S-exorcist?
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