Chapter 20: Nui Fu (Coward)
[iI am your friend and my love for you goes deep. There is nothing I can give you which you have not got, but there is much, very much, that, while I cannot give it, you can take.[/i
The days following Yunho's odd drunken utterance only resulted from stress of everyone who knew him. From what I had gathered from the rumors, he had caught his so called girlfriend cheating on him before he got to her for their little 'advent date'. Apparently she had been dating one of his good friends that he had introduced to her.
It's sad that people could be so wicked as that. Sad that she was only dating him because he had money. But I suppose the worst thing is that he had lost any trust to the human race. From what I could tell, he was truly in love with her. I feel sorry for him, quite frankly, I kind of want to comfort him, but yet, at the same time, part of me just wanted to tell him to suck it up and angst somewhere else so he would quit ruining my lovely lonely holiday. Any pity that I have for him he's taken, I can't give him anything. He just lost a girlfriend, I have nothing.
But at the same time, I still can't help but feel sorry for him. Maybe it's because I consider anyone who semi thinks of me as and equal is a friend? Maybe it's because I just have too much mercy in me. My friends were right. I am too nice for my own good.
[iThe gloom of the world is but a shadow. Behind it, yet within our reach is joy. There is radiance and glory in the darkness could we but see - and to see we have only to look. I beseech you to look! [/i
Christmas day, the day in which everyone's supposed to be a happy little bundle of joy about presents. Quite frankly, the boys upstairs and downstairs sure were. Their footsteps could be heard early in the morning and my attempt to sleep in late on that day.
"YASHI! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!" The shouts came from the door from a very obviously still groggy me.
Quite frankly, I don't care if they see me in my pajamas and my bed head. Quite frankly, right now, I'm too lazy to care.
"What do you want?"
"You gave us books?!"
"Yes... yes I did."
"Why?"
"Because literature... is important."
"Why?"
"Because the sky is blue."
"Why?"
"Because I said so."
"Why?"
"I'm closing the door on you guys."
"Alright, alright! Anyways, this came in the mail for you."
"Odd... I don't recall ordering anything by air mail..."
"Maybe it's a present from your friends back home?"
"Maybe...Wonder what it is..."
"WHO THE HELL IS HAMLET?! AND WHO THE HELL DECIDED TO GIVE ME SUCH A DUMB GIFT?!"
Yunho's lovely enraged face suddenly emerged from the side of the door, in his hand a copy of the book that I had decided to give him.
"And who the hell gave you such a bad temper, it's just a play. It won't kill you."
"Hyung... if it'll make you feel better, I'll trade you..." Changmin suggested shoving a small gift into my hand trying to lead his band mate back upstairs to calm down only to enrage him more.
"You seriously think I would read this piece of junk? What the hell was on your mind when you got this?! You think I've got time to sit back and read a book?!"
"You've got time now, Yunho. I don't see why you're complaining so much. You're so negative lately, why don't you look at the bright side of things eh?"
"Shut up, whore." He hissed before heading back towards his room.
"Wonder what's gotten into him. All he did was break up with his girlfriend..."
"The girlfriend that he wanted to propose to today..."
"Ah... That explains things, Heechul..."
"Just a tad, eh?"
"Bah, not that I really care. It's not my problem that he's suffering the effects of love."
"You know... you're one to talk, didn't you break up with your own boyfriend about a month ago?"
"...I'm not in the mood to talk about that. He deserves someone better than a starving writer."
The sound of the door slamming was loud enough to be heard across the complex. To think that I could have a perfectly fine Christmas by myself was a ludicrous idea. I can't do that. I need people. It's too hard to do things like this alone. I
I don't want to be alone.
Damn it. Why the Hell did he have to go and ruin my plans for a perfectly happy day?
A small pile of presents had accumulated at my door, a bit like sacrifices or offerings to some pagan goddess. I decided to pity the poor little gifts and brought them inside, laying them out on the table before going out.
This Christmas was meant to be spent alone.
I don't have the courage or the strength to go and join others in celebration. I just don't have the guts to do it.
Even if they did call me a friend. I don't think I could ever be close enough to them.
The cold, dry, bitter winter air was just the thing I needed to bring some sort of inspiration into my gloom filled mind. My speculative fiction muse had decided to take a vacation a few days after Heechul had his little read a-loud time. So, in short, I'm stuck without inspiration for another week or so it seems.
The ground was covered with day old snow that was continuously being renewed by the snow that had decided to fall. Winter in Korea is so different from that of Georgia. Back home, there is no snow, just cold weather. The white is so blinding here in Seoul, the color of blinding purity that is so easily tainted.
Never in my life had I actually welcomed the feeling of warmed soju. Never in my life had I turned to numbing the pain with something other than work, instead, I'm the coward that runs towards drugs to dull the pain that gnaws at the heart. The pain that I had been able to push aside with the shaky friendships that had formed here.
I was a fool to think that anything like that could replace the hole where my heart had been. I was a fool to think that I could build another world to live in.
[iSwish, gulp, thack[/i
The sound of drinking alone had never been so comforting. The fact that I was cowardly enough to even resort to this makes me wonder if I was always like this, taking the easy way out instead of standing for myself. I wonder at that point, if it was because of my cowardice that I'm the way I am now.
The kind of person who can't put her foot down. The kind of person who just goes with the flow. A failure of a person who just takes the easier way out. Just look at me, suicidal, depressed, running away, I'm everything that makes up a coward.
No wonder Leigh left.
No wonder I wasn't able to forget Raphael.
It's not a wonder I'm the person that I am now.
[iSwish, gulp, thack[/i
"Hey... get me another bottle will ya sir?"
"Rough day Miss?... considering this is your third bottle... You sure you should be drinking that much there? Where's your family?"
"They.. hic... disowned me when I told them I wanted to write for a living. And then... hic... the friends that were close enough to be called.. hic... family... well... they have more important and more... hic... people to go to... so yeah... that's my life story... hic."
"So instead you're here drowning out your sorrows to a complete stranger?"
"Hic... why not? You'll probably never see me again anyways...hic.."
[iSwish, gulp, thack[/i
"You know... you could always look at the brighter side of things, Miss."
"What's the point? Hic... It'll always be brought down anyways..."
"That's... because you're drinking Miss..."
"Come on...Old Man... Don't tell me you've never been depressed... hic... before..."
[iSwish, gulp, thack[/i
"No... there have been times that I've been depressed in my life... but you know, there are always the people who are willing to look after you. People who are willing to try to get you out of that darkness. Y'know?"
"Yeah... but then they turn their back at you once you can stand... hic... on your own two feet again. And then... everyone else you turn to... they tell you that everything will be alright... and then go away... and don't care..."
"You're one hell of a dismal girl aren't ya Miss?"
"Why shouldn't I be? I dumped the most perfect boyfriend because he's got a fiancée, one of the people I work with decides to hate any female's guts that he can come into contact with... and.. hic... I can't celebrate a favorite holiday with the people I truly care about because... hic... they left... and also... hic... they're five thousand miles away in the States..."
[iSwish, gulp, thack[/i
"Well... I suppose that's reason enough to be depressed... but you know... you should look beyond that."
"And what the hell would that do?"
"Well... then you can find the joy of living. Instead of dying... need another bottle?"
"Yes.. hic... please..."
[iSwish, gulp, thack[/i
"You know... you're gonna have one hell of a hang over tomorrow at this rate, Miss."
"I don't care..."
"Suit yourself."
[iCourage, then, to claim it, that is all. But courage you have, and the knowledge that we are all pilgrims together, wending through unknown country, home. /i
"I'm such a coward..."
"Oh? And why is that?"
"I... hic... Can't find the courage to go and fight for what I've always... hic... believed in. I've never had the strength to ... hic...stand up for myself... I've just always had someone help me. I'm weak... I can't do anything on my own. Except... hic... run away..."
"That young Miss, is part of courage."
"Hic... what? Running away?"
"No... admitting that you've got flaws..."
"Yeah... but what good does that do? All it means is that I don't have anything in me to fight..."
"It means.. that you have the mercy in you to forgive."
"... hic... Forgive?"
"Yes, forgive... you have the courage to forgive people for their wrong doings. Just as courageous people are crusaders, merciful ones become the saints."
"... I suppose... hic... that's one way of thinking of things... I never saw it as that..."
[iLife is so generous a giver, but we, judging its gifts by the covering, cast them away as ugly, or heavy or hard. Remove the covering and you will find beneath it a living splendor, woven of love, by wisdom, with power. [/i
"You've got your own version of courage. It's not all about fighting... It's not all about standing up alone. It's about being able to stand with others, and forgive them if they slip."
His words hit something in me. Something deep inside that I had been unwilling to admit before. The words that I had longed to hear, had finally been said. And by a stranger none the less. Funny how things just happen like that. I wouldn't call it luck... I wouldn't call it fate either. Just pure coincidence that this guy actually had the mercy and the patience to deal with a drunkard like me.
"I... Guess... I can see where you're coming from with that..."
"... Need another bottle there?"
"Nah... hic... I think I've had enough wallowing in despair for the day... It's Christmas for crying out loud... I should be getting drunk with other strangers."
"Ha ha ha! Alright... here's the bill. Discounted for you, since it's Christmas."
"Thanks, yo... I owe you one... hic..."
"Think nothing of it, glad I could make a saint feel better."
"Don't push your luck, Mister."
"I won't... Have a Merry Christmas y'hear?"
"No worries. I think I'll manage!"
Those were the last words that I ever remember saying to the strange store owner. It's funny how inspiration comes in the forms of a muse, most odd, and most inconvenient. It's odd how the world seems to sway on an axis that is never tilted correctly, always asking for more or for less than what is expected.
It's odd... how I can forgive all of the men back in the apartment complex for everything they've done to me... and yet... still be sorry for myself and for them.
Because we are only human.
And it takes so much courage to forgive, and to say sorry.
And move onto a better day tomorrow.