Title: The Chemicals Keeping Us Together
Author: AoiTsukikage
Rating: T for now
Characters/Pairing: Enjolras/Marius primarily, some other secondary pairings
Chapters: 21/?
Word Count: 2348
Summary: Modern!Amis!AU. Both of them are willing to write it off as just a drunken mistake at a party, but with friends like theirs nothing is ever quite that simple to let go of. And maybe, for once, that will turn out to be a good thing.

Chapter Twenty-One

He doesn't, as it turns out, but that's largely because he has no idea what to say. And by the time he realizes that Marius is, in fact, asleep it's too late to say anything at all and he stays quiet and tries to get some rest himself.

Which doesn't really work, and after an hour or two of staring at the darkness and trying to will himself asleep he decides to head to the kitchen for a glass of water, or at least something to get him moving and take his mind off of what it's currently obsessing about.

"Can't sleep?"

"Hey," he looks over at Grantaire, who's seated at the table and apparently playing Solitaire. "I take it you have the same problem?"

"Mm," he agrees vaguely, before continuing with, "are we still friends or will you yell at me for speaking my mind?" and Enjolras sighs heavily because, yes, he deserves that one.

"Of course we are," he opens the fridge and decides if Jehan's going to complain about him stealing a bottle of water he'll pay him back later. Crossing to the table, he sits down carefully in an empty chair and leans forward. "So what are you afraid of telling me?"

"You look like a man who's just seen the apocalypse," Grantaire says idly, shifting some cards around. "And I know it's not from your injury anymore. So if you want somebody to talk to…"

"I'm not sure I can say this without…revealing too much, but…"

"Marius is in love with you and you don't know what to do about that," Grantaire doesn't even look at him and Enjolras would react more strongly but obviously he's known for a while. Which, of course, raises the question of how many other people know.

"How…"

"He told me. Well, I'm pretty sure he's told all of us, because he was asking for advice and whether or not he should tell you. So I'm guessing he has?" he finally stops shuffling through the cards and looks up.

"He has. He…fell asleep right after he said it so I don't even know if he was conscious of it, but at least it saved me from an answer. But if he remembers when he wakes up…"

"You think he's going to expect one and you have no idea what to say to him," Grantaire guesses, tilting his head to the side before leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms.. "Well, I can't help you there. If you're not in love with him, there's not much you can say."

"I think that might be the problem," Enjolras knows he might be revealing too much about himself but Grantaire, at least, seems to understand love a hell of a lot better than he ever has. "I don't know what it feels like to be in love."

"It's not like the movies, you know," Grantaire laughs quietly. "It's not some revelation like you've been struck by a bolt of lightning and suddenly you realize it. At least, I don't think it is. It's just…a feeling. And it's probably different for everybody, but that doesn't mean it's not love just because it's not exactly the same," he goes back flipping cards over, his next shuffle bringing the Queen of Hearts to the surface, and sighs heavily. "How appropriate. But answer me this: tonight, when you heard the club was on fire…what did you feel?"

"What did I…" Enjolras pauses, because amidst the general adrenaline rush and the feeling that he had to be there… "Fear. A lot of fear. But not the…not the crippling kind that keeps you from moving. Even though I didn't know what I would find, I knew I had to see it for myself. And then just…anger, wanting to hurt whoever had caused this, whoever had maybe hurt Marius. But fear and anger aren't love," he shakes the thought off because no, that can't be, but Grantaire is looking at him with something far too close to pity. "What?"

"I think you might be closer than you realize. For me, once you…once you care about somebody else more than yourself? Once you start to worry about them more than your own safety? That is what love is," he turns some more cards over and goes back to playing properly. "But I know me telling you that isn't going to help you, because you have to believe it for yourself."

"Maybe," Enjolras takes another sip of the water, because if nothing else this conversation has left him with a lot to think about, and he stands up and looks back toward the living room.

"Go back to sleep," Grantaire suggests, not unkindly. "I know you're not as healed as you're pretending to be."

"You should get some rest, too," he says in return, and Grantaire's reply is to shrug and keep playing.

"I will. Once I'm finished the game," he looks down, brow furrowed in concentration.

"Okay. And…thank you," Enjolras didn't think he'd ever be saying those words to Grantaire, of all people, but the other man looks up to smile at him like he's just been given some amazing gift and Enjolras nods quickly before going back into the other room, trying not to wake Marius as he settles himself in the armchair again and failing when the younger man stirs.

"Where were you?"

"Just getting a drink of water," he says honestly, because that had been partially true. "Go back to sleep."

"Yeah," Marius shifts enough that he can pull the blanket up before nuzzling his nose against Enjolras' neck and getting comfortable again. And Enjolras knows that he has his chance, that he can bring it up now or forever wonder, before he can think too hard he's asking:

"Marius? About what you said before…"

"What did I say?" Marius asks, sounding half-asleep again and not at all suspicious, and Enjolras feels whatever spurt of courage he'd just gained leave him and shakes his head, kissing the other man's forehead and letting his fingers trail through Marius' dark hair.

"Nothing. It wasn't important," he says with as much conviction as he can, getting a 'mm, okay,' in reply, and wonders when exactly he became such a coward about this.

000

"So you think he lied to avoid bringing up the question?" Feuilly looks at Marius from across the kitchen table. He's working, or at least he was until Marius decided to accost him, but he doesn't look perturbed even though he's covered in paint splatters and currently has a brush tucked behind his ear. "Don't worry, you're not interrupting anything. I need a break anyway."

"Okay," Marius decides to take him at his word. "And no, I know he lied."

"And so did you," the other man has to point out and Marius can't really refute that. "And I'm guessing it was for much the same reason, because you're both afraid of what the other is feeling."

"I just…I don't know how to tell him that I don't care if he's in love with me, and that it doesn't change my feelings or the fact that I want him to know them," Marius knows the words sound hollow, they feel hollow, but he can't do much about that.

"Except you do care, and you want him to be in love with you," Feuilly, of course, can see right through him, and Marius nods slowly. "I can't help you, Marius. I want to, but this time I think you need to figure it out on your own."

"Are you in love?" Marius isn't sure why he's asking the question, but maybe somewhere deep inside it'll help to know that they're not the only ones struggling with this whole…love thing.

Feuilly looks up, his eyes widening the slightest amount before his face turns impassive again. "That's irrelevant."

"Maybe. But I'd still like an answer," Marius presses, and Feuilly finally leans forward and sighs in resignation.

"Yes. I am. I'm a fucking idiot for it, but I am. And I know he'll never admit it, so for me it really is easier to just…not let whatever we have be about love," he finishes.

"How did you…I mean, the two of you, how did it start, anyway?" Marius has been wondering this for a while, really, and it's not just an attempt to change the subject away from him and Enjolras (although it's also that, because after obsessing about it for days he's mentally exhausted).

"I…trust me, it's not nearly as good a tale as you and Enjolras drunkenly making out at a party. I can't even remember, exactly, but I think we were at the Musain one night and he asked me why I was never looking for somebody to hook up with. So I gave him the 'I have no time and money to have a girlfriend' answer and he made some joke about 'would you do it with somebody who didn't expect anything from you?' and, I mean, I thought he was joking because I'd never seen him take any interest in men before that. And, well, somehow I ended up back here and…" he shrugs. "I've never put much stock in sexuality, myself, I figure that as long as there's some sort of connection it doesn't matter what you've got under your clothes, and we were already close enough friends that I think we both knew it wouldn't wreck anything with the whole group dynamic," he cuts off, shrugging. "And after that it kind of…kept happening. Until we've gotten to where we are now. Whatever that is," he looks like he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and Marius thinks that at least he's gotten his answer.

"Well, for what it's worth, I think he loves you."

"And I think Enjolras loves you, but until they say it that doesn't really get us anywhere," he point out, rather logically, but Marius sees a sort of opening and maybe it's not the most honorable thing to do, but it's one that'll keep him from chickening out about all of this so he takes it.

"I'll admit it if you do. I mean, I'll tell him that I know what I said that night if you, you know…" he stops because Feuilly's glaring at him and that's not a look he's seen often on his face.

"Emotional manipulation. Didn't think you had that in you," he smiles good-naturedly a second later and huffs a quiet laugh. "But okay. Sure. Why not. I mean, maybe he runs away screaming, but that's about the worst that'll happen."

"So it's a deal?" Marius holds out his hand and Feuilly hesitates only the briefest of seconds before clasping it firmly with his own and shaking it.

"It's a deal."

000

"Guess we'll need to find a new place to hang out, huh?"

It's a couple of nights later and most of them are congregated at Jehan's again, watching the news for any updates on the club fire, but so far there's no definitive answer as to how and why it started but with how crazy it had been in there that night it doesn't come as any surprise to any of them that something had gone wrong.

Enjolras swivels his head around to look at Bahorel, who'd been the one to speak, and replies, "I'm sure there are more clubs in the city."

"Of course there are, but you know I always got you guys in there cover-free and without anybody checking for proper ID, so you're gonna have to give me a week or two to find some connections and another place where I can make that work," he wraps his arms around his knees and looks at the room at large.

"We have faith in you," Courfeyrac salutes him and Bahorel returns it with a grin. "And if not, well, just find a place with hot bartenders and I'm sure I can convince them to let me in with a few guests," he winks and Enjolras resists the urge to smack his head against the wall because God, he really never stops.

Feuilly clears his throat pointedly and Courfeyrac glances over, obviously abashed.

"It's just flirting! I wouldn't…you know I wouldn't…"

"I know you wouldn't, but how easy you slip back into using sex as a bargaining chip is kind of worrying," he says firmly, and Courfeyrac sighs and drops his head onto the other man's shoulder.

"Never, okay?"

"Sure," Feuilly doesn't look upset, though, and Enjolras knows he'll never quite understand how they work or why they work, but he's glad for both of them that they do.

And he's still the biggest chicken in the world because he can't bring up what Marius had said, and it might be his imagination, but the other man had been a bit skittish around him since that night (although he's curled rather comfortably into his side now).

"Shh, guys," Bossuet points at the screen, where the picture has shifted to a reporter standing outside the charred remains of the Musain building (and Enjolras doesn't have much attachment to structures as a rule, but they'd all had some good times there and it was sad to see it reduced to this).

"It is believed the fire started in the kitchen and spread quickly, but the exact cause remains unknown. The building will have to be demolished and as of yet the owners are unsure if they are going to rebuild. All of the injuries sustained by patrons of the club that night were minor, and neighboring buildings have minimal smoke and water damage, but it could have been much worse."

"I guess that's that, then," Bahorel says. "I'll start looking for a new place tomorrow."

Nobody says anything, but Enjolras can tell by looking around that the memory and the initial fear is still too fresh for a lot of them to be completely over it, and he might hold Marius a little tighter since he's not really over it either, but nobody except him is going to notice.

Notes:

1.I promise they're getting somewhere, even if they're being kind of slow about it right now. But that'll change :)