As Sheppard was moved from the gurney and onto a hospital bed he was jarred from unconsciousness in a wave of pain. His eyelids fluttered and he let out an audible groan which alerted Beckett to his awakened state.

A penlight was immediately pointed into his eyes and he swatted it away weakly.

Beckett appeared over his head, his face a mask of concern, his lips moving but the sound not forthcoming.

An oxygen mask was being secured over his mouth and he tried to push it off with a hand which felt like rubber. Beckett was batting away his fingers and he gently restrained his arm whilst trying to convey with his eyes that he would be okay.

A cough shook his body and he could taste something coppery as it slipped down his throat. The sensation elicited another cough and when Beckett pulled back his oxygen mask he could see the inside of it was tinged with his blood. His eyes widened in suppressed panic.

There were hands touching him but he couldn't see who they belonged to, there was pressure on his side, pinches on the top of his hand and suddenly a wave of oxygen from the mask sent stars to his eyes as he dragged it in.

He tried to keep his eyes open but he was fighting a losing battle. The effort was proving too much and as Beckett's face hovered over his, his expression growing more worrisome, he fell back into the blackness.

---------------

The corridor outside the infirmary was crammed. Ronon, Teyla, Mckay, Elizabeth, Lorne and some of his own men all paced the small space as they waited for news. Mckay kept poking his head into the infirmary and then retracting it after a bark from one of the nurses and Elizabeth was beginning to wonder if she would have to put a leash on the man. She could see that he was full of restless energy and the fact that he himself should be lying in his own infirmary bed was weighing heavily on her mind.

She leaned against the wall and dropped her head back onto it with a sigh, "So you got them all?" she asked wearily.

Lorne, who was leaning beside her in the same stance, cracked one tired eye open and nodded, "Every last one. The complex was burned to the ground."

"Good," she said giving him a sidelong glance, "I just wish we could have asked Arden a few more questions about these experiments."

"I don't think our friend Arden was ever going to be fully cooperative."

"I guess not," she admitted, "I just hope we've put an end to it. Who's to say there weren't others helping him."

Lorne was silent.

"And you had no idea about-"
Lorne cut her off before she could finish, "If I had he wouldn't have been walking through that gate. I would have made Ronon carry him."

"I just wish he would stop doing this," she said pushing herself off the wall.

"What's that?" asked Lorne digging his hands into his pockets.

"Playing down his injuries," she said sweeping a hand through her hair, "Time and time again he turns up like this. He'd rather collapse in the gate room than be bought through on a gurney."

Lorne looked over to the rest of the team before closing the distance and speaking quietly, "Its ingrained within him to protect his team. I'm sorry to tell you, but I'd probably do the same."

Elizabeth tilted her head to the side, "So I'll have to nag you too then?"

Lorne smiled softly, the corners of his eyes creasing, "Of course, I'd at least tell someone about my injury even if I did walk through under my own steam."

"Are all you military types this stubborn?"

Lorne chuckled.

"Thank you. You should get some rest. Good work today."

Lorne gave her a pat on the arm before heading off, "Make sure you get some rest too. Let me know if there's any news on Colonel Stubborn."

As he walked off, the rest of his men followed, throwing glances over their shoulders and chatting soberly as they disappeared around the corner.

She was alerted back to reality when there was a faint bump and she turned round to see that Mckay was sitting on the floor of the hallway. He had closed his eyes.

Teyla knelt down beside him and when she put her hand on his knee his eyes snapped open and his mouth curved into a scowl, "I'm fine."

"You should be in the infirmary," said Teyla indicating to the stitches and bruising on his face.

"Rodney, you're no good to anyone if you exhaust yourself," said Elizabeth.

"You should sleep," offered Ronon.

Mckay looked up at the three of them huddled over him, crowding him and he snorted derisively, "Sleep? I can't sleep at a time like this. I might not be there when he wakes and I want to be there so I can tell him how much of an idiot he is."

"You're not well," said Teyla still crouching beside him.

"Fine," said Mckay getting to his feet stiffly, "I'll go back to my infirmary bed, and I'll lie there awake listening to the sounds coming from the other room where they are no doubt trying to bring Sheppard back from the dead. I'm sure I'll sleep just fine listening to the comforting sounds of a defibrillator charging and the soothing sounds of heart compressions," exasperated he leant against the wall and sighed, "How long has it been?"

"Four hours," said Elizabeth and Teyla simultaneously.

"I need coffee," said Mckay.

"You need rest," said Ronon crossing his arms over his chest.

Mckay looked up at the taller man, shook his head and resumed his rant, "He didn't tell us he was injured. We walked for miles and he was bleeding out and he didn't tell us."

"The Colonel likes to make sure we all get through the gate," said Teyla.

"At the expense of his own health?" considered Mckay, "He could have died on that walk back and then what?"

"Calm down," said Elizabeth.

"No I will not calm down," shouted Mckay, "I want to talk to him and I want to know why he thinks he can just-"

He stopped talking when he saw Beckett come out of the infirmary, "Well?" he questioned taking a step forward.

Beckett rubbed his eyes and regarded the group in turn before talking, "I've stopped the bleeding. Luckily the knife didn't penetrate any major organs and the wound was pretty clean. He lost quite a bit of blood but he's had a transfusion so hopefully, fingers crossed, he'll be okay. Other than that he's perforated his eardrums so he's going to have a four to six week wait before he'll regain his hearing."

"So he's really okay?" asked Mckay.

"He'll feel pretty rough for a while but he's come through the worst of it. Rodney, you should be in bed."

"Is he awake?" asked Teyla and Mckay was glad that she had taken the focus away from him. Even if it would only be for another minute or so.

"No, not for a while longer."

"Thank you Carson," said Elizabeth.

"Just doing my job. Rodney, bed."

Mckay dropped his head in submission and allowed himself to be directed back into the infirmary as the others left for their own beds.

Sheppard's bed was curtained off but before popping back into his own bed Mckay had a quick peak.

Sheppard was lying on the bed hooked up to various monitors and looked as pale as the sheets he was lying on. His chest raised and fell at a slow relaxed rate and his face looked relatively peaceful despite all of the trauma he had experienced over the past few weeks.

"He'll be okay," said Beckett encouraging him over to his own bed.

--------------------------

Before he had even opened his eyes he felt the bile rise in his throat and knew instantly he was going to throw up. He clawed himself up on the bed railing and sluggishly pushed his head over it and heaved. He heard the splat as his vomit hit the floor and groaned, keeping his head on the railing and panting heavily.

Hands gently placed him back on the bed and he looked up to see one of the nurses frowning as she avoided his mess. He crept his eyes open, feeling pale and lethargic and watched as the nurse started to mop it up.

"Sorry," he managed to slur.

She looked up at him, said something he obviously couldn't hear, and continued with her job. Being deaf had its disadvantages as his olfactory senses were at optimum and the smell was beginning to churn his insides again. He was about to lean forward for round two when a basin was thrust into his hands and he managed a grateful smile before retching.

He held it against his chest as his bed was raised by the nurse and dropped back onto his pillow feeling sweat dribble down the side of his face.

Beckett pulled aside the curtain and looked over to the nurse and then to Sheppard.

He pulled a pad of paper out of his lab coat pocket and proceeded to write something down. He presented it to Sheppard.

Nausea is to be expected. Anaesthetic.

Sheppard nodded weakly and held out the bowl to him. Beckett made a face as if to say 'just what I always wanted' and gave it to the nurse as she left with the mop.

How are you feeling?

"Wish I could hear," he muttered and sank further into his bedding.

Any pain?

"No," he managed as he felt sleep tug at him, "Pain meds good."

You were very lucky.

"Don't feel lucky."

Get some rest Colonel. Talk later.

As he read those last words they blurred into one and he dropped off.

-----------------

When Beckett came out of the curtained off area he saw Mckay was sitting up in his bed with his arms crossed.

"What's wrong Rodney?"

"I don't want my lunch," said Mckay pushing the tray of food further way from him, "I presume that splat was-" He fought his own gag reflex and eyed his yellowy soup with disgust, "Just take it away would you?"

Beckett sighed and removed it from the end of the bed.

"He was awake then?"

"Briefly."

"Did he say anything? I couldn't quite eavesdrop from this distance."

"He was still pretty out of it."

"Oh okay."

"He'll wake up again later and when he does I'll let you see him."

"Cant I just sit with him now?" he asked already scooting to the edge of the bed.

"Just for a bit." Beckett smiled and while one hand balanced the tray, picked up the sandwich on it. The tray was suddenly pulled from his hands and the sandwich taken from his grasp.

"Well, I'll need to eat if I'm going to be at his vigil."

"But I thought-"
Mckay disappeared behind the curtain and shouted, "Get your own sandwich."

-------------------------

Sheppard rolled over and hissed through his teeth when his stitches pulled. He opened his eyes expecting to be pounced on by Beckett but was somewhat relieved when he realised he wasn't destined for that fate. He dragged his eyes over to Mckay who was sleeping in the chair next to his bed, his chin resting on his chest.

Moving incredibly slowly and as stealthily as he could manage, he pulled the covers aside and hooked his legs over the edge of the bed. He was in desperate need of the toilet and there was no way he was going to go in a bed pan. He'd suffered that humiliation enough times already and this time he was going to go it alone.

He'd just expertly pulled out his IV line and his foot had barely touched the floor before he felt a tap on his shoulder. He jumped, pulled his side and bit back the yelp which threatened.

Mckay held a hand up, reached into his pocket, pulled out his palm pilot and started typing on it.

Sheppard was beginning to get sick of reading notes.

Where are you going?

"Toilet," said Sheppard making sure to keep his voice low. Of course, he had no idea how low it had been.

Mckay chewed on his lip and looked him up and down. He quickly typed another message and held it up.

I'll get Beckett.

"No," Sheppard said swaying tiredly, "No, I don't need Beckett's assistance. Please, I'll be in and out in less than five minutes."

Mckay knew all too well the bed pan experience. He slid his eyes over into the main infirmary where it was sounding quiet and then sighed.

He typed. Okay, but hurry up.

Sheppard smiled, "Thanks buddy," slid off the edge of the bed, and padded towards the infirmary's bathroom.

He entered the bathroom cautiously as if expecting Beckett to pop out from around one of the stalls and threaten him with a big needle. He knew the Doctor would be mad at him, but for weeks he had been struggling to regain his independence and if going to the bathroom on his own was the only bit of freedom he could get, he was going to take it.

He took care of business, the motion of standing making him woozy, and then walked unsteadily over to the basins to wash his hands.

Whilst he was washing he suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of dizziness wash over him, taking away his energy and causing him to lean forward to reassert some control. He felt it slipping away from him as he breathed in short pants. He blinked a few times to clear his vision but stars were dancing in his eyes. He realised with a sinking feeling that he was having another panic attack.

He'd assumed they were over, that the time away from his room and the successful mission had vanquished them once and for all, but here he was gripping the sink with white knuckles and feeling as though he was breathing through a straw. He hit the sink in frustration and tried to focus on the breathing exercises he had been taught.

He was vaguely aware of the door opening and Beckett stepping in with one of the other Doctors but he was finding the fact he couldn't hear disorienting enough.

He turned to them and attempted to focus.

Beckett and Doctor Levan both grabbed one of his arms.

He pushed both of them off and took a step back. He was on the verge of hyperventilating and he didn't know how much longer he could stay standing.

"Please, just let me get through this," he said, forcing the words out of his constricted throat.

Doctor Levan grabbed him by the arm again, "Go away," he begged. Another grasp at him and before he could stop himself, he lashed out, striking Levan across the face. He didn't have time to feel remorseful, the room was spinning and his panic was spiralling beyond his control.

He was losing it.

Beckett was uncapping a syringe from his pocket and approaching him with a calm expression on his face.

Sheppard knew what it was and the last thing he wanted was a sedative.

He shrank back against the wall, "Please just go."

Beckett looked reproachful as he advanced on Sheppard.

Sheppard looked down to see that his scrubs top was stained with blood. He'd pulled his damn stitches. Whilst he was distracted, Beckett stuck him with the needle. He looked up, eyebrowss knitted together in confusion, and managed to stagger two paces before crumpling to the floor.

TBC

Only one more chapter and an epilogue after this.

Please review if you're reading and thank you to all of those who have been reviewing regularly.