a/n: this chapter is the definition of suck, i'm sorry. one more chapter and its over!

Chapter 21

The next day comes, and ironically she gets a call from a firm in New York. The only reason she even sent in applications to New York was for Toby. Some part of her felt that if they had been in the same state, she would feel less alone, but now Spencer knows that logic is completely bogus. They were in the same room last night, and it was the loneliest she has ever felt in months.

But it is a job—well an interview for a job, and to ignore it would just be stupid. Toby didn't own the state of New York. If she wanted to work there, she would. Although it wasn't really about want at this point, it was about need. She graduated two months ago and is still unemployed. Well, she isn't unemployed, she still has her tiny, part time job at that coffee shop—the one she only got out of spite of her parents. She wanted to show them she could do things on her own, although it is definitely not enough to keep going on like this. Her parents cut her off after graduation, and as much as she wants to believe they hardly touched their wallet for her, she knows that is just a blatant lie.

So, she tells the man at the firm that yes, of course she will be able to come in for an interview tomorrow.

"That's great, Spence," Emily tells. Normally, the person Spencer would go to whenever she got a job offer in New York would be Hanna but Hanna is in the Bahamas, celebrating her honeymoon. She threatened that if anyone dared to interrupt it, she would make sure to make that person's life a living hell. So, Spencer settled for telling Emily.

Spencer nods, picking up her coffee and taking a sip, "Yeah, I almost forgot about the application I sent there. It was so unexpected!"

Emily smiles, but a second later, it is fleeting.

"What?" Spencer inquires, her eyebrows going inward. Is she upset that she possibly won't be living in Pennsylvania anymore? "Em, if this is about me moving…don't worry about it, we won't drift apart…"

"It's not that," Emily offers up, quickly. "It's just…" her eyes fall to the latte in front of her.

"It's just what?" Spencer demands.

"Ever since you sent in all those resumes to New York firms, I can't help but think there is more to it than just wanting a job…" she confesses, meeting the brunette's eyes.

Spencer swallows, "like what?"

Taking in a breath, after realizing her friend is not going to fill in the blank, Emily says, "Toby."

Spencer stiffens, darting her eyes to her drink.

Emily hasn't ever really talked about Toby around Spencer. Not in this way, at least. Spencer knows they are friends, and Emily doesn't try to hide it from anyone. But she has never brought up anything that references to whatever Spencer and Toby had, until now, anyway.

"What about Toby?" Spencer manages to ask, looking up at her friend.

"Spencer," Emily tilts her head. "You know what I mean…" her voice trails. "I saw you two dancing at the wedding reception," Emily blurts.

"Rebecca wanted me to talk to him," Spencer tells her friend, becoming defensive. There are a couple reasons she tells Emily this. Partly because she doesn't want Emily to think she is going behind Rebecca's back again, but mostly because she doesn't want Emily to know how much she still cares for Toby.

"I think you wanted to talk to him, too," Emily murmurs.

Spencer lets out an exasperated sigh, glancing around the small coffee shop until her eyes land back on Emily. Her shoulders slump, her hands gripping the table. "Why do you even care?" she blurts out, "me and Toby were a mistake. It's over—it's been over for awhile. I don't get why everyone is suddenly team spoby."

"Everyone just wants you to be happy, Spencer…" Emily explains. "Things are different now. Rebecca has moved on. Wombs have been healed. It isn't like last time, and we both know you are smart enough to realize that."

She is firm with her words. No more sweet, joyful, Emily.

Spencer knows that Emily is right. She does know things are different now, but that is exactly it. Things are different now. Feelings have changed.

Spencer keeps her eyes downcast, "It doesn't really matter," her voice is quiet. "Toby. He's moved on."

A moment passes where each woman stays silent, but then Emily breaks out, "no he hasn't."

Spencer's eyes immediately go to Emily's.

She has that crinkle in her eyebrow—the one that signals she is nervous or worried.

"What?"

"I shouldn't have said anything," Emily shakes her head, closing her eyes and ducking her head down.

Her voice comes out in rushing sternness, "Emily!"

Emily looks at her.

"What happened? What do you know?" Spencer demands for an answer.

Emily looks uncomfortable, obviously regretting to have ever brought up Toby. Her fingers anxiously wrap around her latte, "it was nothing really." Her eyes glance away from Spencer's, "I just—the way he acted at Han's wedding." Emily picks up her gaze and matches it with Spencer's, "just the way he acted at Han's wedding," she explains in a small voice.

Spencer knows she is pushing it. There is no way she can pretend she doesn't care if she continues this, but she has to know. She cannot just sit back and fall into another conversation. "What was he acting like?" she implores.

Emily shrugs, her eyes falling to the side for a second. "I don't know…he was so…out of it. He kept getting distracted…and I think it was by you."

Spencer's heart plummets into her stomach at the last phrase. The implication that Toby could possibly still have feelings for her makes her whole body weak. She was so close to giving up on him, but maybe she wouldn't have to. Maybe it wasn't too late.

"Please don't tell him I said any of this," Emily pleads, a look of desperation haunting her face.

Spencer's eyes move back to her friend's, "I won't. Promise," her words are soft, but sincere.

The conversation lulls into another, and fades from the subject of Toby Cavanaugh. Although, he does not fade out of her mind. He stays put, refusing to leave. She decides the only way she can put her mind at rest about Toby Cavanaugh is to go to him. Go to him, and find out how he feels.

Xxx

Spencer didn't plan on seeing Toby tonight. She was planning to go after her interview. It is the logical thing to do. She will be in New York anyways. But now, she is going to have to pay for some hotel—ultimately just wasting the money she so desperately needs. Maybe she should just turn her car around and head home. No, you can't go back now, not after coming all this way, she tells herself. Maybe, depending on how long she spends at Toby's, she'll just head back, then she won't have to waste the money.

She supposes asking him if he was available would also be the logical thing to do, rather than just driving an hour and half to greet nothing. But she was worried he would ignore her call. By the way he acted at the wedding it seemed like a likely situation.

Nonetheless, here she is, standing outside his apartment door, her hands to afraid to knock. She has never been here before, the only reason she even knows where his apartment is, is because he told her when he left Pennsylvania, saying, "if you ever need me; don't be afraid to visit." She wonders if that invitation had an expiration date—she hopes not.

She presses her knuckles to the door, hesitating. Unless she is planning to play 'ding, dong, ditch', this is her last chance to leave. She takes in a deep breath, before hitting her knuckles against the door. She is not a quitter.

She only has to knock a couple times until the door is opening.

His face washes over with bewilderment, his lips parting to form a word, but nothing coming out.

She flutters her eyes, licking her lips before speaking, "you busy?"

His lips smack together, his puzzlement decreasing, but still there, "no, no…come in," he mumbles, pulling the door open all the way.

She steps in, and immediately takes in the place. The walls are mostly made of brick, with an exception a couple off-white areas. It is smile, but not crowded. The kitchen is on the right side of her, and what looks to be a living area on the right. She recognizes some of the furniture—the white couch, the leather reclining chair, the bookshelf he made her. The sight of it makes her stomach do somersaults. She quickly adverts her gaze from the bookshelf and to Toby.

He has been examining her as she has been examining his apartment. His brow is slightly crooked, his blue eyes still lost.

He swallows, "well you want something to drink, or anything?"

She doesn't respond for a minute. She isn't thirsty, but maybe it would help break the ice.

"Sure," she answers, bobbing her head in a small nod, an acute smile blossoming on her lips. "Got any coffee?" she inquires.

A grin appears on Toby's face, "always," the words come out in a soft murmur.

She doesn't know what to do with herself. Just taking a seat on his couch without his permission seems too intruding—then again she did just show up at his door step out of nowhere. She decides against it, and just stands in front of the door, watching Toby prepare their coffee until he tells her otherwise.

"You can sit down if you like," he tells her, leaning back against his counter.

Spencer glances around the place, before taking seat at a small circular table that Spencer guesses he eats at. She taps her fingers against the top of the table, feeling her anxiety catch up to her. She probably seems crazy to him.

Soon he is joining her at the table, placing two hot beverages on the table. Spencer takes one.

"It's decaf," he says, "I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight if I made your kind of coffee this late."

The corners of her lips arch upward as she presses the mug to her lips. She likes the idea that even after a year; Toby still knows how she likes her coffee. The hot liquid calms her. Coffee has that affect on her. It is like her safety blanket.

She sets the mug back on the table. She swallows—not hot, delicious liquid down—but her nerves. "I suppose we should address the giant elephant in the room," she quips up.

"That would probably be a good start," he agrees, nodding his head.

"Okay, well," she takes in a deep breath, "that's Ezra's shirt, isn't it?"

He gives her a look of disbelief, and then laughs, shaking his head. "Spencer…" his voice comes out in an almost hum. She always loved how he said her name. Her name sounded so sweet when he voiced it in that higher than usual pitch. He made her feel adored.

"I know," she takes in a swift breath. "I can't just show up here, with no warning, and make jokes."

"I'm just…confused," he admits in a sheepish voice.

"I guess I came… to say sorry," and to tell you I'm still in love with you. "About last night…"

"No, Spencer," he cuts her off. "I'm sorry. I was such a dick," he sighs, ducking his head down.

"You were just doing what I asked you to do," she pipes up in a small voice.

"You asked me to leave you alone, not full out ignore you…" he fights back, "you know it is different."

A beat passes.

"You have every right for not wanting to talk to me," she tells him. "We haven't talked…in a while…and I'm the reason for that."

"No, Spencer," he shakes his head. "You were being a good friend to Bec. You did the right thing, and I don't hold that against you. I didn't ignore you out of spite…"

It seems like he is going to say something else, but he keeps his mouth clamped together. Like he is forcing his words to flush back into him.

"Then why did you?" she prompts him.

"I—," he stammers. He wets his lips, looking at her, "I didn't want to get hurt."

"What?" she says in such a tiny voice that she wonders if Toby even heard her.

"It's hard being around you, Spence," he looks at her, a defeated look in his eyes, but in spite of that a chuckle escaping his lips. It is more of a dark chuckle, than a humorous one. "It's pathetic, but…I still have feelings for you."

Her heart anchors into her stomach of butterflies. She doesn't know what to say. She knows she has to say something, but what? Tell him that she feels the same way? Tell him that she never stopped loving him? She feels overwhelmed with emotions—with possibilities—with hope, even.

"You do?" is all she can get out. It is small. It is two words, and her vocal box can barely manage to find enough power to produce them, but it is something. She isn't just staring at him, letting him think she is appalled by the statement.

His eyes fall downcast, his shoulders caving inwards. His head bobs back and forth in a small nod, "I'm sorry," he suddenly decrees, picking his head up to look at the dazed Spencer, "I shouldn't be saying this to you."

"No," she breaks out, shaking her head, afraid her chance will be taken away forever. He gives her a look, his eyes alive and alert again. "The truth is…I didn't just come here to apologize," she murmurs. "I came here because…because I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone," she gets out, breaking out into a hysteric laugh. "I—I kept my distance because I had to, but then…then Rebecca gave me her okay. And then, everything that I tucked away, everything that I bottled up, came bursting out of me…" she confesses, her voice unsteady.

"I realized that it never stopped," she shrugs, her mouth hung open"…I never stopped loving you," her voice breaks.

They just stare at each other for a moment, both taking in each other's words and love, both too stunned to move.

"So…," Toby says coming back to life, "what's next?"

"I don't know," she lets out in a squeaky voice. It sounds so unfamiliar—as if it belongs to someone else.

She reaches for his hand, keeping her eyes set on his—his beautiful blue eyes that never cease to amaze her. Their fingers entwine and it feels so right. So natural and familiar.

After a moment, he swings their hands up, and steps up. She follows his actions, and wraps into his embrace. He is her stability. Her warmth. Her security and refuge. This is where she is free to live without worries—in his arms. She doesn't want him to let go, she refuses for im to fall out of her touch. She clamps her hands into the fabric of his shirt, trying with her utmost might to keep him in her hold.

"Don't let go," she whispers into him.

"I wouldn't even if I could," he replies in that soft, most genuine voice that always brings her comfort.

They stay in each other's embrace for a long time. No words are spoken. They just hold each other. Hold each other until their lips reunite with all the love they have been holding in.

a/n: idk i suck! tell me what you think :)