A Way With Words

by ByeByeBirdie

This is a story about a boy entering into his final year at Hogwarts, determined to make it his best yet. A boy who lived and breathed Quidditch and craved that elusive Quidditch Cup more than anything. A boy who only ever wanted to find his place in the world and had to go through a lot of twists and turns to get there. This is the story of James Sirius Potter.

21. When It All Falls Apart

A/N: Wow! Tons of reviews for Chapter 20 and once again, they were all mixed! I love how everyone interprets each of the characters in their own way, some similar to the way I read them and some completely different. Just goes to show that every person has their own way of thinking that is completely different from the next person's.

And now here is my shoutout to soundon for their review being the reason I uploaded today. I had the song "Where is the Love?" stuck in my head all morning thanks to that review (and if you don't know the song, listen to it and then read soundon's review) and I thought that if a review can stick with me for that long, then it deserved a new chapter.

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A WAY WITH WORDS

By ByeByeBirdie

Chapter 21: When It All Falls Apart

"Everything is screwed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
'Cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart."
-The Veronicas

---

I had spent another five minutes banging my fist against Alice's bathroom door trying to get her to talk to me but she kept the door firmly shut and said nothing. By the end of it, my hand was throbbing just as much as my heart was.

I felt numb as I wandered the hallways, a cloud of despair raining down on me as I somehow made the trek back to Gryffindor Tower. If I could figure out or try to understand what I had done so wrong then maybe I wouldn't have to feel so broken, but none of it made sense to me which just meant I didn't know how to fix it.

That is, if Alice even wanted it to be fixed.

That thought alone sent another jarring shockwave through my heart because if I didn't have her, then I truly had nothing.

I had thought that that was what I wanted but in a very twisted turn of events, it was clear to me now that all I really wanted was her.

Halfway back to the Gryffindor Tower, I felt the prickle of unexpected tears stinging the sides of my eyes that made me halt abruptly in the hallway. I didn't cry often. Hardly ever. The last time I let myself cry was at Christmas and she was there to make it all better. But she wouldn't be making this better. Not this time.

I blinked the tears away, too afraid to find out what would happen if I broke.

If I haven't already.

Thoughts of her swarmed my mind. Thoughts of our friendship, of all those years we spent together. I always assumed I had never wanted to get close to a girl because I preferred to protect my heart but that wasn't it at all. No, it was because my heart already belonged to someone else. I don't know if I gave it to Alice or if she took it from me but she had every bit of it. She always had. Alice hadn't just been a friend and a confidante, she had been my everything. She made me feel things I never thought I could feel. She made my heart race in an unexpected way. She put a smile on my face just by being there. I didn't just care about her, I needed her. I needed her more than I've ever needed anything.

So then why couldn't I have just told her that?

How hard was it to say, "I need you more than I need oxygen, Alice Longbottom?"

I felt a sigh exhale from my lips for I knew it wasn't hard to say that. It was just scary. So scary that I handled the situation all wrong.

But then again, perhaps so did she.

I wanted to be angry, or at least be hurt by the accusations she made of me. But I was too confused by them to focus on anything else. I thought Alice knew me better than anyone, knew that so many of my bad choices, in particular with women, came from a place of insecurity and low self-esteem. But I didn't feel that way with Alice. I never had. And I thought she knew that. I thought she knew that she was different than all the rest. Apparently not.

But was that my fault for kissing her? Or was it her fault for subconsciously believing the worst in me?

Muttering the password to the Fat Lady, I hastily rushed through the common room and climbed the stairs to my bedroom. I pushed open the door, praying that no one would be there. But not only was God not on my side, he was laughing at me. For the only person in the room was Fred.

He only looked up for a moment before glancing back down at his Quidditch magazine, all without bothering to acknowledge me.

That was expected but after the night I had, it filled my already heavy heart with more anguish.

I reached into Franny's cage and pulled her out, placing her on the bed and dropping down beside her. I felt an odd sort of comfort as she nestled up beside me, even as she began to nibble at my shirt. I turned on my side, facing the wall and wondering if I could just sleep off the rest of my life. Seemed like a decent option to me, though knowing my luck, my dreams would wind up consisting of Alice.

Another ache pressed down on my heart and I didn't know what possessed me to do it, but I found myself blurting out, "I kissed Alice."

There was a long silence and I was just beginning to think that Fred was going to ignore me despite my shocking news, when he finally said, "You did what?"

I turned on to my back and gazed up at the ceiling. "I kissed my best friend," I whispered.

I only saw him out of my peripheral vision but that was enough to see his jaw hanging open and his eyes wide with shock. "When?"

"Just now," I muttered.

A longer silence. "And yet you're here and she's not."

More aching in my heart. "She threw me out," I croaked out.

He smirked. "Why, were you bad at it?"

I finally turned to look at him, a glare on my face. "I don't know why she threw me out, she just did."

His smirk turned into a frown. "How do you not know why she threw you out?"

The question of the hour.

I kept replaying our conversation over and over again in my head, trying to figure out what else I could have said to rectify the situation. But with every scenario I came up with, I was still just standing on the opposite side of the bathroom door, slamming my fist against it and begging her to talk to me. Every single time, she refused. And every single time, I still didn't know why.

Maybe planting a surprise kiss on her wasn't the best way to show her how much I cared but the very idea that she could even think I was just using her as some sort of distraction confused me more than I even realized. Because how could she ever think that I'd exploit her like that? How could she possibly think that me kissing her was anything like me kissing any other girl? And every time I had tried to argue with her, she found some other way to attack my character. And even though I sprung a very unexpected kiss on her, I wasn't entirely sure why she took that to mean I deserved to be insulted.

"It doesn't matter," I eventually mumbled even though it did. I turned back on my side to face the wall again, feeling another onset of potential tears stinging my eyes. "Go find her, Fred. Talk to her. She could probably use it."

I heard him scoff behind me. "I am not talking to her on your behalf," he snapped.

"No," I nearly pleaded, my voice breaking, "I don't need you to talk to her for me. I need you to talk to her for her. I need her to be okay and she wasn't okay when I left and since I can't be the one to make her okay, I need you to do it."

There was an obvious strain in my voice and since Fred and I have known each other since we were in diapers, I knew he could hear the heartbreak in my voice. And if we weren't currently on bad terms with each other, he probably would have asked if I was okay. But we were on bad terms so he didn't.

He just sighed and said, "Sometimes I think you may care more about her than yourself."

I heard him shuffle off towards the door and I wasn't going to say anything. I was going to let that be it. I was going to let him leave and comfort Alice who I hoped wasn't crying alone on her bathroom floor because that image alone nearly broke my already broken heart. And yet I found myself saying to him, "That's because I do."

I expected him to leave then so I was slightly dismayed when I didn't hear the door open. I was even more dismayed when he asked, "Why did you kiss her, James?"

Why?

Because evidently, I had feelings for my best friend.

I didn't say that. I couldn't say that. Because I didn't know what it meant. I didn't know where it came from and how it happened. I didn't know why my heart felt such things for her when for so long, it felt nothing.

So I just said, "I don't know."

He growled at me, expectedly so. "You almost kissed her on New Year's Eve—yeah, don't think I forgot about that—and then you go and kiss her tonight. That means something, James. That has to mean something."

Yeah, it meant I had feelings for my best friend.

I didn't say that. I couldn't say that. Because it didn't matter what I was feeling. She clearly didn't feel the same way so all I could really do was ignore the feelings swelling up inside of my heart.

It's not like ignoring my feelings wasn't something I already excelled in.

"James," he snapped when I said nothing.

"I don't want to talk about it," I pleaded, the aching in my heart growing more than I thought imaginable. "I only told you so that you'd go to her. So please just…go to her."

And if maybe, just maybe, the two of us weren't on bad terms, he would have continued to ask me questions about Alice. He would have grilled me until I broke. He would have stayed to make sure I was okay. But because we were on bad terms, he just sighed and left.

And once again, I was all alone.

Well, almost.

"Looks like it's just me and you, Franny," I spoke.

Never had more depressing words been spoken.

XOXOXO

---

I didn't sleep at all which probably explained how I heard Fred sneaking back into the room at some point in the middle of the night. I wanted to know what Alice had said, what Fred had said to her, but at the same time, I didn't. So I just hugged the covers close to my chest and tried to think of anything else.

Which might have worked had Fred not pulled my hangings open and said angrily, "You told her it was a mistake?"

I groaned and pulled the covers over my head.

Fred ripped them off. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Potter?"

I glared up at him. "Y'know, I was getting rather used to the whole silent treatment thing we had going."

"It wasn't a mistake," he spoke, ignoring me. "You're not the type to go and kiss your best friend in some heat of the moment. So tell me, why-"

"No, apparently I'm just the type to go and kiss all kinds of slutty conquests as a way of distracting myself from whatever I'm actually feeling," I drawled.

Fred sighed. "Well, you got the second part right."

I frowned. "It's not like she was completely wrong about the first part either."

"She isn't just some slutty conquest to you, James," Fred sighed. "You could have found a million other girls in the school to fulfill that role but you didn't. So why her?"

I couldn't tell him. I didn't even want to. Maybe Fred was my best mate at one point and maybe we would have talked this out, maybe he would have given me some much-needed advice, but he wasn't my best mate now. He was just a liar who betrayed my trust and that wasn't a guy I wanted to have any conversation with.

"Fine," he growled when I said nothing, "Don't tell me. But have the decency to tell her."

"Sure, right after she tells me why she blew that one kiss completely out of proportion."

Hesitance lingered in Fred's eyes and I wondered if he knew the truth. "Did she tell you why?" I pleaded.

"Do you blame her for being confused?" he deflected.

"No, I don't blame her for being confused," I murmured. "I'm confused, too. But I do blame her for thinking the absolute worst of me when she's supposed to be the only person in the world who has my back."

I was surprised to see Fred nod, as if he might agree with me, but before he could get in another word, because the truth was he was one of those people who didn't have my back, I hastily said, "Speaking of people who apparently don't have my back, why the hell are you even talking to me about any of this?"

His eyes darkened. "Because even though you're an arsehole, I still care about AliCat. One of us has to."

Those words made my blood boil more than anything he had ever done or said to me. "You don't get to tell me that I don't care about her," I hissed. "She's the only thing I care about anymore. The only person that matters. She's the only person in the world who has always been there for me. Who has never let me down. Don't you dare tell me that I don't care, Fred. I care. Perhaps I care too much."

Fred seemed apathetic to my subtle threat as a small smirk appeared on his face. "And perhaps that's why you kissed her."

Well, fuck, I walked right into that trap, didn't I?

Glaring at him, I pointed to his bed and said, "Get the hell away from me."

That only seemed to make the smirk on his face grow wider. "Can't deny it, can you."

No.

"Go," I snapped before grabbing my hangings and pulling them shut, leaving me there to spend the few hours I had left of solitude wondering where everything had gone so wrong.

XOXOXO

---

When I eventually did drift off to sleep, I was surprised and elated to see just how welcoming it was. Not because I was tired or because I needed the rest. But because sleep was the only time I didn't have to see that heartbroken look on Alice's face after I kissed her. It was the only time I didn't have to relive her words over and over again in my mind. It was the only time I didn't feel that searing ache in my heart that left me numb all over.

Which is why I thought it was best to sleep through my morning classes.

So much of me wanted to see Alice, to request forgiveness and to beg her to put last night in our past. And yet the other part of me couldn't bear to see her, not knowing what she was thinking or what she might do.

Not to mention, I still wasn't entirely sure what I was even thinking.

Knowing that Neville would come looking for me if I continued to skive off class, I reluctantly made it out to my afternoon classes. And I really wish I hadn't. Because Alice sat far away from me, refusing to look at me or acknowledge me at all. She kept quiet, saying nothing to anyone and every time the bell rang, she was the first out the door.

I had really screwed up.

Only problem was, I wasn't entirely sure how. And because I didn't know how I screwed up, I didn't know how to fix it. And I hated that. I hated not having the answers, especially when it came to the one person I thought I understood the most. But maybe I didn't. Maybe there was more to her than even I was aware of.

It was torture going through the day without Alice. I didn't even care that the Quidditch players were still sending me scathing looks. I didn't care that Roxanne still glared at me every time we crossed paths. I didn't care that my other cousins seemed wary around me. I didn't care that Fred and Ryleigh seemed happier than ever. I didn't care about any of it. I just cared about Alice.

If I thought Monday night's practice was bad, Wednesday night's was even worse.

And I was entirely to blame.

"Uh, mate?" Jax said, clearing his throat. "You just scored in the wrong hoops."

I glanced to my right. Sure enough, Cass wasn't there because she was on the opposite end of the pitch.

"Oh."

Jax flew towards me, lowering his voice. "What's going on with you and AliCat?"

Ah, I was wondering when others would pick up on that.

She hadn't spoken one word to me all practice. She showed up late and spoke to everyone else but me. She had reluctantly passed me the quaffle a few times for the sake of the team but she did so mechanically. She refused to look at me and every time I looked at her, it wasn't Quidditch I was worried about. It was trying to fix whatever had gone wrong.

"Nothing," I murmured to Jax. "Let's run that play again."

"This is not nothing," he argued, sweeping in front of me before I could take off. "You two have been avoiding each other all day and you're now doing it on the pitch. Are you not aware that we have a match in less than three days?"

I shot him a look. "How about you let me worry about me and you just get back to training Hugo?"

"James-"

I ignored him and shouted for the team to get back into formation, determined to be a better player.

I wasn't.

I dropped the quaffle the first time it was in my hands.

I ran into one of the hoops on my broom and bruised my arm.

I got clipped in the leg by a bludger.

I got a quaffle to the shoulder when I wasn't paying attention and hurt my shoulderblade.

Apparently I wasn't just an emotional mess, I was a physical mess, too.

"WE'VE GOT A GODDAMNED MATCH IN THREE DAYS AND YOU'RE CHOOSING NOW TO HAVE A MENTAL BREAKDOWN?"

Those lovely words came from my very angry seeker.

"Oh, don't get your panties in a bunch, Bishop," I drawled. "I'm just having an off day."

"No, you're having one of your teenage drama-filled angst-ridden feeling-sorry-for-yourself days and I've had enough of it," she snarled. "Get your bloody head out of your arse and back into the game, Potter, because I didn't join the Quidditch team so I could hold the hands of a bunch of whining pansies. You are being ridiculous!"

The stunned looks coming from the rest of our teammates seemed to do the talking for me.

I took a step towards the seeker, my eyes full of warning. "Whether I'm having an off day or not, I am your bloody Captain," I sneered. "So you might want to consider amending that tone of yours, Bishop, before I find every reason to bench your sorry ass."

She flipped her hair over her shoulder and smirked at me. "The only shot in hell you have at winning Saturday's match is me, Potter," she spoke smugly. "So I'll speak to you however I see fit because there is no goddamned way you'll be sticking me on that bench."

She took off towards the clubhouse before I could get in another word, which was fine by me because I was fuming.

Not because I was mad at her. But because she was right.

I sighed. I knew then that if we were going to win that Quidditch match on Saturday, I needed to make things right with Alice.

I told everyone to hit the showers and as expected, Alice took off towards the castle without a single word to me. Even though several body parts were throbbing, I quickly chased after her.

"Alice," I called out.

She hurried her pace.

"Alice," I said again, reaching for her arm.

She pulled it back immediately. "Don't," she pleaded, avoiding eye contact with me. "Just…not now."

She tried running off again but I followed her. "Alice, please," I whispered. "I'm know that I caught you off-guard last night and that you're convinced I did it for selfish reasons, but I promise you that that's not how I meant it."

She finally looked at me and I saw the bags under her eyes and the sadness in her sunken expression. "Then how did you mean it, James?" she whispered.

I opened my mouth to try and explain, to try to make sense of my feelings. I opened my mouth to tell her that I didn't think the kiss was a mistake. That it had meant something to me. That she was the only girl for me. I opened my mouth to tell her that I needed her, that I've always needed her, and that I always would. My head and my heart were both screaming at me, begging me to tell her the truth that was so obviously staring me in the face.

But how could I tell her all the things swimming around in my heart knowing I would be faced with one big rejection? It would change things between us forever. I could lose her completely. I could lose us. And I wasn't ready to see all that stripped away from me, not during such a tumultuous time of my life that was the hellhole I had found myself in recently.

And so I hesitated for just a moment, just a few seconds, but apparently that was enough to make Alice think any response of mine wasn't worth hearing.

"You've had twenty-four hours to figure out a way to explain it to me," she spoke, her words coarse against her tongue. "And you still can't. And you know why? Because all it was to you was a stupid, drunken mistake. And I don't want to be just another one of your mistakes, James."

And with that, she was gone.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Everything I had been so afraid of – losing Alice, having my heart broken by her, her hurting me – was coming true.

Why did I have to let her in one last time?

Why did I have to let her in at all?

The small amount of control I once had was slipping away from me and I didn't know how to get it back. I didn't know what to feel or what to think or what to do. The one person that always made me feel like I wasn't alone was turning her back on me and I wasn't ready to face the walls closing in on me at my own personal persecution. I could barely breathe, the ache in my heart was so heavy, and I didn't know how I was supposed to survive without the one person that gave me a reason to survive.

I couldn't tell her the truth. But I couldn't lie to her either. So where did that leave me? Where did that leave us?

I hated everything I was feeling. It was too much. It was too confusing. It was too overwhelming. I couldn't do it. I couldn't have feelings for her. I didn't want to have feelings for her. I didn't want any of this.

Turns out, I had been far better off not having any feelings at all.

"Trouble in paradise?"

I turned to my right and sighed as Kenley Brown headed my way. I opened my mouth to tell her to fuck off.

What I said instead was, "Storage closet in Entrance Hall. You in?"

She looked at me, her eyebrow popping upward. "What happened to 'not interested?'"

"I changed my mind," I said hastily, swallowing the panic attack that was threatening to spill out. "You in or not?"

Smirking, she shrugged and said, "Sure, why not?"

Remember how Alice told me that I always managed to make the worst decisions ever?

Well, I did say she was always right, didn't I?

XOXOXO

---

I shagged Kenley Brown because I had needed an out. I needed something to keep my mind, and my heart, off of the overwhelming amount of turmoil that was weighing me down. I needed to ignore the heartbreak that had come to take over my entire body. I just needed to get away from it all, if even for a moment.

But the moment it was over, the moment we went our separate ways, the moment the spell was broken was the same moment that I realized all I just did was prove Alice right.

So I spent the rest of the night drowning myself in a half-bottle of firewhisky alone in my room in an attempt to forget about all of it.

I woke up the next morning with a massive headache but the memories were still there.

As it turns out, alcohol wasn't always the answer to drowning out the voices in your head, nor could they drown out the voices in your heart.

And for the record, neither was shagging a random girl.

I skipped breakfast again and didn't even bother to shower. Glancing into the bathroom mirror, I barely recognized myself. Heavy bags rested under my eyes and my face was a pale white. My hair was more of a mess than usual and my eyes were dead.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to feel.

All I knew was that I had never felt more alone in my entire life.

And the one person who I had once turned to in order to not feel alone wasn't there anymore.

I had thought things couldn't get worse.

I was wrong.

"You complete and total piece of shit."

I was halfway to Transfiguration when I was greeted by those words.

Glancing up, I saw Fred storming my way with a murderous glare on his face. "What did I do this time?" I muttered irritably.

"Tell me it's not true," he hissed, his fists clenched tightly at his side. "Tell me you didn't shag Kenley Brown."

Well, fuck.

My heart sunk into my stomach. "Oh."

His eyes grew wide. "You fucking piece of shit."

So I've been told.

"In my defense," I murmured, "She wasn't supposed to tell anyone."

If I thought the rage he had previously felt was at max capacity, I had been wrong. "She has the biggest goddamned mouth in the school," he hissed. "Of course she was going to tell someone! And I think you know that. I think you were counting on it."

I stared at him, dumbfounded. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that this was just yet another way for you to completely sabotage yourself from the inside out," he scowled, the anger shooting from his eyes. "Here I thought that by kissing your best friend you might actually be growing up a bit, you might actually be developing some feelings inside that otherwise stony heart, but you will just never change, will you? You will never let yourself be a good person, will you? You'd rather be a dick to everyone in your life instead of just bloody admitting you have real feelings just like the rest of us! Do you enjoy screwing over everyone in your life? Do you get some sick satisfaction out of hurting the people you supposedly care about?"

"You're one to talk."

I realized that was the incredibly wrong thing to say when his fist collided with my face.

I stumbled backward, my hands flying to my nose as I let out a surprised yelp.

"You're a damned fool, James Potter," Fred hissed in my face.

He stormed off then, leaving me to wipe the taste of blood from my mouth.

Was he right? Did I subconsciously sleep with Kenley as some form of masochistic self-sabotage? Was it easier for me to play the part of the victimized recluse than face what my heart was really feeling? Did I do this as a way of ending things myself before allowing Alice to do it for me?

I didn't know the answers to those questions. But when I turned around and saw Alice halfway down the hallway staring at me, I had a feeling I was about to find out.

Neither of us moved. We stood there staring at each other with half a hallway between us. Her eyes were hard but her expression broken. If I had thought my heart had been hurting before it was nothing compared to now.

"It's true, isn't it."

That's all she said but it was enough for me.

And my lack of response was enough for her.

I could see her bottom lip trembling even from far away and I knew she was struggling to hold back the tears.

"You told me you didn't need anyone but me. You were offended when I called this a game to you. You said you weren't using me. You couldn't believe I was afraid of being disposable to you. You told me you would never put me in the same category as all the other girls," she whispered, her every word smothered with intense resentment, "And not even twenty-four hours after you kissed me, you decide to go and shag another girl. What part of that doesn't sound like a game to you?"

What was left of my heart sank straight into my stomach and dropped an anchor of regret into my every vein. "Alice-"

"Don't," she whispered achingly, a tear sliding down her cheek. "I don't want to hear what you have to say. I don't want to hear what you have to say ever again."

That was all she said as the fled the hallway.

And when I didn't follow her, I knew that Fred wasn't wrong at all.

I had slept with Kenley as a backwards way of trying to protect my own heart instead of trying to find a way to protect hers.

But it backfired on me because in the end, we both got our hearts broken.

And I was entirely to blame for that.

XOXOXO

---

I hid under my covers for the rest of the day, a bottle of firewhisky by my side. Everything inside of me felt shattered. My heart was collapsing with pain, my limbs trembled with regret, and my entire body exploded with a torturous agony that left me physically and mentally eviscerated. I tried numbing the pain with alcohol but it didn't work. Nothing worked. I was a crumpled shell of misery and I didn't know how to crawl out of it. Nor was I even sure I deserved to.

There was a knock on my door as afternoon settled into evening and I tossed my pillow over my head with the hope that whoever it was would disappear.

No such luck.

"James?"

I groaned at that familiar voice, shoving the firewhisky under my pillow hastily.

"Go away, Neville," I muttered.

He didn't.

"You've been missing a lot of class lately," he spoke.

"I wouldn't say I've been missing it."

He sighed. "Is this about Fred?" he asked softly.

No, it's about your daughter and how I've lost her forever.

"It's not about anything, Neville," I muttered.

I felt the end of my bed dip as he took a seat there. "Or maybe it's about my daughter."

Of course it's about your bloody daughter.

I said nothing.

"You want to tell me about it?"

I tossed the covers off my head and turned to look at him. "Let me guess. You're here now trying to get the details out of me because your own stubborn daughter refuses to tell you anything," I drawled.

He frowned.

That was his way of saying yes.

"She skipped class this morning," he spoke, the concern evident in his tone. "I don't think she's ever skipped class before."

I shook my head. "She has. Every February 9th."

The day her mother died.

His eyes flickered with surprise. "James-"

"Every February 9th, she spends the day on the Quidditch pitch instead," I continued hastily, recalling the past six years where I was there at her side never once leaving her alone on a day I knew she felt so terribly alone. "She flies because it's something she has control over when she had no control over losing her mother. She focuses on the sky so she doesn't have to focus on the pain. She lets her broom take over so that her heartbreak won't. She flies because she loves it and she needs it on a day that had let her down twelve years ago. She flies to forget, sir."

I couldn't remember what my first words to Hattie were or what our first kiss was like. I didn't know what her favorite class was or her favorite meal. I didn't know who taught her how to play Quidditch. I didn't know what she liked and what she didn't like. I didn't know what she was thinking or feeling.

But I knew everything about Alice Longbottom. I knew what made her tick. I knew what made her happy and what made her sad. I knew when she was faking a smile and when she really meant it. I knew what she was thinking even when she refused to tell me. I knew because I cared more about her than I've ever cared about anything.

Hattie was right all along. The only girl I could ever want was standing right in front of me the whole time.

And because I screw everything up, I screwed up with her, too.

Glancing up at Neville, I could see the pain in his eyes and I almost felt bad for bringing his deceased wife up.

"Alice is out on the pitch now. She won't come down," he spoke softly. "What is she trying to forget this time, James?"

Me.

But I was pretty sure he already knew that.

"Is there an actual point to this visit, Professor Longbottom?" I muttered, using his formal title to remind him that I didn't need my best friend's father interrogating me about his daughter's ways.

Make that ex-best friend.

"I'm worried about you," he said.

I shook my head. "No, you're worried about your daughter and I'm sorry, but I can't help you there."

He seemed troubled by that answer. "You've always been able to help me there."

Thank you for that heartbreaking reminder, Professor Longbottom.

"Talk to Fred," I muttered. "He can help you."

Another frown appeared on the professor's face. "I wasn't lying," he said in a rather concerned voice. "I am worried about you, James. So are your parents."

Oh, for fuck's sake.

"Oh, so that's why you're here? So you can go back to my parents and give them a lovely detailed synopsis of what is going on with their brooding son?"

"No, James," he sighed. "I'm here because you skipped two days of classes, you've been avoiding the Great Hall, you and Fred refuse to speak to each other, you are sporting a black eye, your family members appear to be upset with you, you're not handing in homework assignments, you are drinking in the middle of the day, and now there is something clearly concerning going on between you and my daughter."

Guess I didn't hide that bottle of firewhisky as well as I thought.

"And if that wasn't bad enough, I have been told that your head is not fully in Quidditch practice, which has been the one thing I know you've always been able to count on."

No, the one thing I've always been able to count on was Alice and now that she was gone, nothing else mattered.

"We can all see that something is going on with you and all we want to do is help," he spoke softly. "But you have to let us."

I wondered if throwing the covers over my head again would give Neville enough clue to fuck off.

"I'm fine," I lied.

He shook his head at me. "You aren't."

No, I wasn't. I was far from fine. But what could Neville do about it? What could anyone do about it?

"If I say I'm fine, I'm fine," I snapped at him for the last thing I needed, or wanted, was someone's pity.

"James-"

"Go talk to your daughter, Neville," I pleaded. "She needs you more than I do."

I turned my back on him, staring at the windowsill and hoping he would take the hint and walk away.

He didn't.

"Seems to me you could use someone in your corner right about now," he spoke softly.

No. I made sure the only person left in my corner was me.

I said nothing for there was nothing left to say.

I heard him let out a tiny sigh and felt my heart flutter with relief when he picked himself off the bed and headed towards the door. He opened it and was about to leave when he said one last thing. "I hope you know that I'm always here if ever you do want to talk."

Right, like I was about to tell the father of the girl I had fallen for that I had kissed her one night and then shagged someone else the next.

He'd kill me in my sleep.

Though, at the time, that didn't sound half-bad.

XOXOXO

---

The next interruption came a half hour later.

"Out of all the girls you could have shagged, you just had to choose the one with the boyfriend who was already out to get you, didn't you."

I peeked my head out from under the covers to see my sister standing there with her hands on her hips.

"That aside, what the hell is going on with you and Alice?"

I pulled my head back under the covers.

Lily grabbed them and tossed them to the floor. "Stop sulking, James. It's pathetic."

"I'm pathetic," I muttered.

"Oh, so you've noticed?" she said with the roll of her eyes. She perched herself on the edge of Dash's bed opposite me and said, "I don't care where you start but let's hear it."

"Hear what?" I murmured, rolling over on to my back and staring up at the ceiling.

"Some sort of explanation for your existential crisis!"

I considered her slight outburst before responding, "This isn't an existential crisis. An existential crisis is when someone questions the meaning and value of their life. Me? I just don't care anymore."

She sighed. "You do care or you wouldn't be in here sulking."

No, I didn't care. I couldn't care anymore. I didn't care that Fred hurt me and I didn't care that he didn't seem to care about that. I didn't care that I hurt him back and I didn't care that he would probably never speak to me again. I didn't care about the stupid Quidditch match because it meant nothing to me now. There wasn't a single thing that mattered to my anymore. I didn't care my own family banned together against me. I didn't care that everyone in the school, or at least those that played Quidditch, looked at me with those disapproving eyes. I didn't care that Hattie slept with Fred and I didn't care that she seemed to think I didn't care about that. I didn't care that Fred lied to me. I didn't care that my father lied to me for years. I didn't care that my own mother always chose his side over mine. I didn't care that Teddy and I hadn't spoken one word to each other in over a month. I didn't care that I never let anyone in. I didn't care that Alice hated me and I didn't care that I hurt her more than I've ever hurt anyone and I didn't care that that probably broke her. I didn't care that I lost my best friend.

I didn't care anymore because it hurt too much to care.

"Please," I practically choked out, tossing my pillow over my face, "Just go away."

There was a long moment of silence but I wasn't stupid enough to think that Lily had left. "Oh, James," she eventually sighed, "You're really hurting, aren't you?"

No. I had been hurting before. Now, I just felt numb.

"What happened with you and Alice?" she practically pleaded.

I wanted to scream into the pillow. Instead, I said, "Do you not know the meaning of the words 'go away,' Lils?"

She sighed. "Please tell me what happened."

"Why, so you can rush off and tell the rest of our family my sad and pathetic woes?" I growled.

More silence. "You think I'm here just for some juicy gossip?"

"I wouldn't put it past you."

I felt my pillow being ripped off my face and when I glanced up at my sister, I saw both anger and hurt displayed in her green eyes. "I'm here because I'm your sister and I care about you!"

"Well, don't," I hissed. "I don't need you to care."

"Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" she retaliated, placing her hands on her hips very much the way Mum does when she's ticked off. "For me to just walk out the door right now and take my worry with me, hm? So that you can continue to act like this sad sack of pathetic, moaning about being all alone in the world?"

Yeah, actually, that sounded pretty good.

"Well, you're shit out of luck because I do care about you, James Sirius Potter," she barked. "So whether you've convinced yourself of it or not, you are not bloody alone. And you're just going to have to bloody deal with that."

When did my sister become such a tyrant?

Shooting her a wary look, I picked myself up off the bed and headed towards the bathroom.

"Where the hell are you going?" she called after me.

"Well, if you won't let me be alone in my own bedroom then I'm going to go be alone in the bathroom," I snapped at her over my shoulder before slamming the door behind me.

I stood in the middle of the room helplessly, looking around at the small amount of clutter that had been building up all year. I suddenly wished I thought of bringing the firewhisky with me.

Not that that wouldn't have been the epic height of gloom.

As I glanced around the bathroom, all I could do was sigh.

It was official. My life had literally gone to the toilets.

XOXOXO

---

Word around school was that Brooks Pruitt wanted to smash by bloody head in.

Considering I had just spent the last two days hiding in my room, you would have thought that after hearing that a guy was looking to seriously injure me, I would have continued the routine. And yet there I was, publicly roaming the hallways.

Yes, I was looking for a fight.

Yes, that was pathetic.

And no, I didn't care.

I finally caught up to the beefy Ravenclaw on Friday evening just after classes had ended. There was a crowd full of people heading towards the Great Hall and I mixed in with them. So, too, did Brooks apparently.

I felt someone's hands grab the back of my uniform and wrench me backwards.

I knew without looking that it was Brooks.

A gasping hush fell over the crowd as Brooks began to shout his usual obscenities at me. "What the fuck is wrong with you, Potter? You somehow lose your own goddamned girl so you decide to go after mine? You are such a fucking prick."

I ducked as he took a swing at me. "What's wrong with me?" I snorted. "I think the real question is, what's wrong with you that your own girlfriend doesn't even seem satisfied with you?"

That time, he got me in the jaw.

I lunged at him and slammed him against the stone wall.

"You manipulative son of a bitch," he snarled, kicking me in the shin and punching me in the stomach. "You're a piece of shit, Potter, y'hear me? A piece of shit."

"Ah, yes, that seems to be the consensus around school," I sneered as my own fist connected with his face.

Not much more was said after that, give or a take a few curse words, as we used that time to beat each other to a bloody pulp. I barely heard the shouts and the cheers from the students around me, putting my every bit of anger and despair into making sure he felt pain. Hurt him so I would hurt less. Take out my every bit of aggression on a bastard who deserved it.

All I saw was red, anger for myself and for Fred and for Alice and for Kenley, all of it being poured into every strike I took against the Ravenclaw.

Suddenly, I felt myself being dragged away from the bastard and slowly, everything came back into focus. And it was a different red I saw. There was blood pouring from our faces and oozing from the various scratches all over our bodies. Our uniforms were torn and our hair was a disheveled mess. The bricks on the wall were cracked from our blunt force. There was fear in the eyes of the student onlookers. And there was my brother holding on to the back of my uniform, hauling me away from the throng of people.

"Get the fuck off of me," I snarled at him, shoving him away.

Albus stumbled but took a step in front of me before I could return to do more damage to the Ravenclaw. "Punching him isn't going to fix your problems," he pleaded.

"It's a start."

Albus pushed me again, further down the hallway and to appease him, or maybe because I knew I had very little fight left in me, I stopped fighting against him and stormed off, rounding the corner and leaving the crowd of people behind. "You gonna go run off and tell Mumsy and Pops that their darling eldest son has socked another student in the face?" I sneered, trying to wipe the blood from my nose to no avail. Hesitating, I added, "Well, actually it's not another student. It's the same student I typically clobber. Though I can't imagine that would make them any less pleased with me."

Albus stared at me, the fear evident in his concerned eyes. "Is that what this is?" he spoke softly. "You've far surpassed disappointing yourself so now you're actively tryingto disappoint the rest of our family? Is that what you're trying to do?"

"Fuck off, Al" was my less than creative response.

I took off down the hallway but that didn't stop him from calling after me.

"You've shagged a girl you hate, you're drinking your days away, you've bashed Pruitt's face in and most likely stripped yourself of that Captain's badge you're supposedly so fond of," he cried out, the concern now replaced with frustration. "What's next, James? You going to go jump off the Clock Tower or fight a dragon with your bare hands or take up drugs to cover your pain? Is that going to make your shitty situation any less shitty?"

I shouldn't have been bothered to respond, but for some reason, I did. Turning back around, I glared at my brother. "Y'know what, Al? When you were hurting and in your own shitty situation, I stood by your side as you dealt with it in your own bloody way so don't you dare come to me reprimanding me for dealing with my so-called shitty situation my way!"

"My way wasn't self-destructive!"

I stared at him in slight incredulity. "You do remember that you punched Pruitt, too, right?"

He growled. "Because he was insulting my family, not because I was actively looking for a fight!"

An unfortunately good point.

"I don't know what the hell is going on with you," he snarled. "I don't know why you attacked Fred or why you were so hurt by him sleeping with Hattie and I don't know why you and Alice are suddenly on the outs and I don't know why that suddenly made you decide to shag some bimbo and I don't' know why you are suddenly spending your every free time hiding in your bed with a bottle or two of firewhisky and I don't know why you're pushing away our sister when she's the only person left who seems to want to be there for you and I don't know why you are suddenly looking for a fight from a bloke who has made it quite known he hates you and I don't know why you are suddenly letting your own bloody Quidditch team down, but figure out a way to fix it because you're scaring the shit out of all of us!"

I gaped at him, not sure whether to be annoyed or angry or shocked or just upset.

I decided just not to care.

"Oh, don't pretend you're one of those people who are worried about me," I countered. "You don't care about me enough to be worried."

He frowned, the irritation flickering in his green eyes. "No, you don't care about me," he corrected, shaking his head. "I've never not cared about you."

For some reason, that made me even angrier. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

He grew quiet and I was all ready to just walk away, when his next words stopped me. "It means you were the one who decided to hate me all those years ago. And I don't know what it is I did to ever deserve it."

This was not the conversation I was looking to have. Not now, not ever.

"You existed," I hissed. "That was enough for me."

And I shoved past him, storming off down the hallway.

"Oh, you are such a jack—dammit, where the hell are you going?"

Most likely to hell.

XOXOXO

---

It was the morning of the match when Neville took the Captain's badge away from me.

I also got another week of nighttime detention.

I didn't care about either.

I wandered into the clubhouse ten minutes late and was immediately on the receiving end of seven identical glares.

"You lost your fucking Captain's badge the day of our fucking match?"

My seeker really had a way with words, didn't she.

Oh, wait. I wasn't Captain anymore which means she wasn't my seeker anymore.

"For four goddamned months, you have shoved Quidditch down our throats in every way possible, forcing us to focus our entire lives on this bloody game, and you are choosing now, five minutes before our goddamned match, not to give a fuck anymore?"

"Shut up, Bishop," I snapped at her. "I am so tired of dealing with your mouth."

"Good thing you don't have to deal with it anymore since Alice is now Captain, you goddamned prick."

Oh, yeah, guess who replaced me?

"Don't make me shove that broom up your holier-than-thou arse, Bishop," I snarled at her.

"I'd like to see you try."

"That sounded an awful lot like a challenge," I sneered.

"You are some piece of work, aren't you?" she continued in her usual angry tone. "You claim Quidditch is the only thing that bloody matters to you, the only thing that should bloody matter to anyone, warning any of us against any sort of dramatic hissy fit, but suddenly your life isn't going the way you want it to, and it's okay for you to have a hissy fit?"

"I'm about to go ape-shit on your arse if you don't shut the fuck up, Bishop," I barked at her, wondering if anyone would be me against strangling her.

"Will you two please just shut up?" Alice finally interrupted, glaring at Sadie. She didn't bother glaring at me because that would mean having to actually look at me. "Look, the situation isn't exactly ideal, we are all very much aware of that, but it's the one we've got. So can we all just please put aside our differences so we can go out there today and win?"

"Don't look at me when you say that," Sadie snapped, folding her arms defensively across her body. "Those words should be directed at you, Potter, and Weasley."

Hugo glanced up in surprise.

"Not you Weasley, the other Weasley," Sadie groaned.

Fred rolled his eyes from where he sat on the bench. "Don't drag me into the Potter-Longbottom feud."

"You have your own feud with bloody Potter."

Fred shrugged, pulling himself off the bench with a stifled yawn as if all of this was beneath him.

I wanted to punch him in the bloody face.

I mean, it's not like I could lose my Captain badge again, right?

"My feud isn't' going to affect the match, Bishop," he drawled. "Considering I won't be playing in it."

"Oh, yeah, and you seem really broken up over the fact that you dicked us all over for some skanky bitch."

Amen, sister.

Shit, was I agreeing with Sadie Bishop?

Fred's eyes narrowed at her, an unforeseen anger glowing in his eyes. He took a step towards her, towering over her as he sneered, "Just because no guy has ever shown any bloody interest in you, Bishop, doesn't mean you can go trashing my girlfriend."

For fuck's sake, he doesn't give a shit that our Quidditch standings may be in jeopardy but he cares that a nobody insulted his girlfriend?

"Tell me," Alice spoke up coolly, her voice carrying, "Do you all think it's better if we just hide out in here for the day and forfeit the match because I can't imagine us winning with a team that is at each other's throats like this."

Silence filled the clubhouse.

"May I speak freely?" Cass spoke with a bit of an edge to her voice.

Alice sighed. "By all means."

"This is total bullshit," she blurted out, her eyes full of anger. "I joined this goddamned team to play, to represent our House with pride and honor, and frankly, you are all ruining that for us."

Glancing around the room, we were all clearly shocked by Cass' outburst seeing as she always came off rather innocently charming in the past.

"I can't help but agree with her there," CJ sighed. "James told us to chuck our problems at the gate when we first joined the team and I think that's what we have to here today."

Fuck, I did totally say that, didn't I.

Just goes to show that everyone lies.

"We just have to get through one match," Jax pleaded, the frustration in his eyes boiling over. "One bloody match. Please tell me we can do that."

I told myself I could.

While knowing I probably couldn't.

Alice glanced around at the rest of the team, though I noticed once again that she kept me out of her eyesight. "Then let's go out there and play the way we were meant to play," she spoke softly. "This may not be the best timing for this match, but we don't have a choice in the matter. I know that there are some awkward rifts and harrowing disputes between some of the team members and yes, I know that that includes me, but I also know that Gryffindors have been taught to rise above every obstacle sent their way and today should be no different. We are better than the Hufflepuffs. So let's get our unbeatable arses out on that field and annihilate them!"

XOXOXO

---

We didn't annihilate them.

We won.

But we didn't annihilate them.

The final score was 200 to 160 in favor of Gryffindor after Sadie managed to catch the snitch.

And for the record, none of our 50 chaser points came from me.

The Gryffindors in the stands were cheering but no one on our team was for we knew that was the worst game we had ever played. We all flew towards the ground and dismounted, not a single one of us daring to look each other in the eye.

Jax broke the silence. "Well, I think we can safely say the only person on our team who earned praise today was Sadie."

Sadie's response stunned us all. "And you know what I say to that?" she snapped, holding the snitch up in her hand. "This is the last snitch I'll be catching for any of you jackasses. I QUIT!"

She tossed the snitch into the air, to nowhere in particular, and stormed off.

"You don't mean that, Bishop!" Alice called out after her.

Sadie whirled around to glare at her. "I didn't join this team to be a bloody mediator. I didn't join this team to deal with all of your whiny drama. I didn't join this team to be the only one who actually gives a fuck about Quidditch. I joined this team to play Quidditch but since none of you seem to know how, nor do you seem to care how, to play the game anymore, what with your heads stuck so far up your arses, why the fuck should I care anymore? Find yourself another seeker because I'm done."

That time, she really did storm off.

Leaving us all standing there in shock.

We were out a beater. We were out a reserve. We were pretty much out a chaser if I didn't get my act together. And now we were apparently out a seeker.

To say we were completely and utterly fucked would be the understatement of the year.

We barely had time to process any of it, however, before the stands began to empty and students and families alike began to pour onto the field to offer their congratulations.

Only then did I remember that both my parents had been at the match.

The match in which I played the worst game of my life.

Fuck.

"James."

I stiffened and glanced to my right as Mum came into view. "Don't have time to chat, Mum," I lied, hiking my broom over my shoulder and heading off towards the clubhouse.

I should have known that wouldn't satisfy her.

"Please talk to me, James," she begged, her arm coming to rest on my shoulder. "If that match was any indication of how you are doing then it's clear you're struggling."

"It was one bad match," I grumbled. "We all have off days."

"What happened with you and Fred?" she asked, ignoring me completely. "And now I hear you and Alice aren't speaking to each other? What's going on with you?"

"Nothing," I snapped at her through gritted teeth. "Why can't everyone just leave me alone?"

I shoved her hand away from my shoulder and rushed off towards the clubhouse, where I was once again interrupted.

"James."

I froze, slowly turning around to face my father.

"What do you want?" I spoke, a tad too harshly.

He didn't comment on my tone. "I want you to be happy," he said softly. "And clearly you're not."

"I'm fine."

"And how many times are you going to tell yourself that before you believe it?"

"I'M FINE."

He shook his head at me. "I know this may be a bit hard for you to believe, son, but I know a little thing or two about feeling stuck in your own body where everything seems to be going wrong and it's as if the whole world is closing in on you and you have no way of making it all okay again. And the worst thing you can do is bottle everything in because it just makes you feel worse," he said, his voice coming out in a jagged whisper. "I know what helpless feels like and I don't wish that on anyone, especially my own son. So please just talk to us because I can't stand to see you like this."

The last person I wanted to be dealing with right now was the man standing in front of me.

I was already having what might be the worst day of my teenage life and listening to my father attempt to relate to me was just another reminder that he didn't know me at all. No, the only two people who knew everything about me were no longer a part of my life and I wasn't about to replace them with someone who hadn't shown any interest in my life in six years.

"It's been a really long time since you've bothered to care about me, Dad," I hissed. "And the last thing I need right now is for you to pretend that you do."

I didn't head into the clubhouse where I'd be bombarded by the disappointed glares and the scathing remarks and the helpless chitchat from my teammates. I bypassed it altogether and made a beeline towards the castle.

I was still in my Quidditch gear, my broom still in my hands, and while I was dying to wipe the entire day off of me, I couldn't bear returning to the Gryffindor Tower. I was either going to be on the receiving end of undeserved congratulatory acclaim or I was going to be on the receiving end of confused and wary looks over my lack of performance. Either way, I wanted no part of it. I just needed a moment to myself. I needed to be away from other people, from the judgment and the ridicule. I just needed to be alone.

Winding myself through the castle, I kept getting caught up in the throes of student crowds, desperate to find some semblance of solitude, which is the only reason I can assume I ended up in the Owlery.

The smell of owl pellets and the constant hoots gave me a slight headache, but at least I was alone.

Unless you counted the owls. Which I didn't.

I abandoned my broom on the floor and went to the window, leaning my elbows down on the window ledge and breathing in the winter air. It was cold up there, the chill seeping into my every bone, but I barely noticed. I was numb to it all, numb to all feeling. I felt drained and exhausted, but it wasn't because I just played an hour of Quidditch. I had little energy left, if I even had any. As I stared out across the grounds, I tried not to focus on my abysmal performance but the only other thing on my mind was Alice, so I decided thinking of the former was a better way to go.

It wasn't that I had played poorly, it was that I hadn't played at all. Where there was once an unspoken unity between myself and Alice, now we were just a mere broken shell of miscommunication. She tossed the quaffle to my right and I went left. She tried crossing under me and instead of flying overheard, I found myself colliding with her. She'd dodge a bludger and I'd get hit with it. I had become increasingly frustrated throughout the match, but it wasn't because of my skills. It was because for the first time since she and I both made the team, nothing we did was in unison and it killed me to know that I had done that.

Quidditch had always been my dream. It's all I ever talked about and all I ever dreamed about. As a naïve kid, I had somehow convinced myself I'd one day be the greatest Quidditch player in the world. I fantasized about breaking every single Quidditch record there was and dominating the league. I dreamed about putting action figures and bobbleheads of myself on my shelf. I could practically hear the crowds cheering my name. It was all I had ever wanted. But now that it was slipping out of my fingers, it was like none of that even mattered if I didn't have Alice there to share it with.

Well, so much for not thinking about Alice.

But I shouldn't have surprised. She wasn't just a part of my life. She was my life and every aspect of it.

Or at least she used to be.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I hadn't heard the footsteps on the stairwell behind me until there was someone clearing their throat behind me.

Glancing over my shoulder, I was slightly surprised to see Rose standing there. I just stared at her, too tired to even speak

"Do you have an identical twin I don't know about because the guy out on the pitch today wasn't you," she spoke curiously.

I should have glared at her but I didn't have it in me. So I just shrugged and turned my back on her once again.

Clearly she didn't take that to mean I wanted to be alone for she shuffled over to me and took a seat on the floor beside where I stood.

"Who sent you?" I murmured.

She glanced up at me. "What?"

"Mum? Dad? Lily? Someone had to have sent you here. You wouldn't have come after me on your own free will."

She met my gaze, an unexpected sadness resting in her eyes, before turning away from me. "No one sent me," she spoke softly.

I looked down at her. "Then why are you here?"

She didn't respond right away as she drew her knees into her body with a heavy sigh. Something about her demeanor felt off but I wasn't in the mood to play any guessing games so I pretended not to notice.

"I know you're in a pretty bad place right now," she eventually spoke, her words barely above a whisper, "I know it's killing you inside but I also know you don't want to talk about it, so I thought I might offer you a slight break from it."

My eyebrow popped up. "Oh, really?" I drawled. "And how do you plan to do that?"

She slowly met my gaze and this time I absolutely knew something was off with her, her brown eyes coated with tearful regret. "I slept with Scorpius Malfoy."

I stared at her.

And then I stared some more.

I waited for her to tell me she was joking.

When she didn't, all I could do was continue to stare at her because all words were officially lost on me.

"I know it was stupid," she said when I said nothing.

"You're damned right it was stupid" was my very judgmental response.

I expected her to glare at me or tell me off. Instead, she began to cry.

So I did more staring because I couldn't recall a time I had ever seen Rose Weasley cry.

I slid down the wall and took a seat beside her, nudging her with my elbow. "Hey, don't cry," I spoke softly. "Malfoy doesn't deserve your tears."

She shook her head. "This isn't even about him," she murmured. "It's about me and how completely fucked up I am."

I snorted. "Well, join the club, Roe."

She snuck a peek towards me. "Why do you think I'm here?"

Whoever said misery loves company certainly knew what they were talking about.

I could see in her eyes that she felt just as alone as I felt, tortured by thoughts of her own shortcomings.

But that still didn't completely explain why she was there.

"Unless you're here to give me permission to sock Malfoy in the face, I don't know how I can help," I spoke perhaps a bit too desperately.

"I'm not here looking for your help," she whispered between her tears. "I'm here because I think you might understand."

"Why you slept with Malfoy?" I groaned. "Hardly."

She shook her head. "No," she whispered again. "I think you might understand what it's like to have that one thing that can make you happy dangling right in front of you and instead of going after it, you do everything in your power to push it farther and farther away."

Oh. That.

Yeah, that was something I certainly understood way too much about.

"Why can't any of us just ever be happy? Why is everyone in our family so screwed up?" she mumbled, wiping the tears underneath her eyes.

"I hope you don't actually expect me to have an answer to that," I muttered.

She rested her chin on her knees with a frown. "It's like none of us know how, or are too afraid, to just settle down. It took years before Vic and Teddy got together, too scared to do anything at first. And Dom is on her fourth boyfriend in a year. Molly never had a serious relationship, or any really for that matter, before Linc and who even knows if they're still together after the disaster that was Christmas Eve. Albus dated a girl all because on paper, she seemed right for him but she turned out to be all kinds of wrong. You, Fred, and Louis have slept with more girls than I even know. And yes, those two are now in relationships but it's not like either one of them even know what that really entails. And if you have your way, you'll never bother trying to find a girl to settle down with. And then there's me, who likes one guy but pretends not to by sleeping with her mortal enemy. Why can't any of us just find a way to be happy?"

She furiously blinked the tears away and turned to me, as if her last question wasn't rhetorical and she was looking for an answer from me.

Which was hilarious because happy was about the last thing I was.

"I don't know," I murmured. "But when you figure it out, feel free to let me know."

She let out a sad whimper as she buried her face in her hands.

"It's Jax, isn't it."

She stiffened beside me, slowly peeking her head out of her hands. "What?"

I glanced down at her curiously. "The guy you like," I said with a curt shrug. "It's Jax, right?"

She wouldn't even look at me, her face a dark crimson color as she stared intensely at the floor. "How'd you know?" she muttered.

I hesitated, thinking back over the past few months. I hadn't seen what was going on with Fred or Ryleigh. Or maybe I didn't want to see it. But that left me broken and betrayed, and I wasn't sure I could go through something like that again. So instead of ignoring the signs this time, I faced them head-on.

Rose and Jax had always gotten along rather decently but this year they appeared to be at each other's throats most of the time. Rose always seemed to badmouth Laikyn, and while the girl was a tad flighty, I always felt as if there was something more there. On Halloween, Jax had been incredibly against Scorpius dancing with Rose, which I was too but not nearly as much as he was. Rose had said she was upset when she first snogged Malfoy and the only reason I could come up with that would have her throwing herself at her enemy was because she was trying to get over someone else. Rose and Jax often insulted each other by using their dating habits against one another. When Jax found out Rose had been snogging Malfoy for two clandestine months, he stormed off angrier than I had ever seen him. It took Jax nearly four months to officially ask Laikyn out and when he did, it just so happened to be the day after one of his infamous fights with Rose. And when he did finally ask Laikyn out, Rose was suddenly hopping into bed with Malfoy. None of that was a coincidence.

"I think a part of me has known for a while," I finally admitted.

She said nothing at first, twirling a stray hair around her finger. "Please don't tell him," she eventually whispered.

I nodded. "For the record, Laikyn Hennessy doesn't hold a candle to you, Roe."

She shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut. "Of course she does," she muttered. "She's blonde and perky and tall and every guy stares at her freaking legs when she walks down the hallway and it doesn't fucking matter that she doesn't have an intelligent bone in her body because she's so bloody beautiful and that's all any guy ever wants."

I winced because even as she spoke, I knew that she could easily be describing me.

Or what used to be me.

"No," I found myself whispering, "It's what all guys think they want. They go after the blonde bombshell who wears too much makeup and who spends hours in the bathroom fixing her hair and who hikes up her skirt and wears lowcut tank tops and who wears heels to class because she knows they make her legs look good and who giggles at everything we say not because it's funny but because they know it'll stroke our egos, but they aren't the ones we fall for in the end. No, we fall for the girls who make sweatpants look good. The ones whose messy ponytails we find charming. The girls who can hold an actual conversation with us and who we laugh with because it feels right. The ones we can talk to for hours and it never gets stale. The ones whose kisses make our insides melt when we never thought it was possible. The girls who don't wear makeup and who look so much more beautiful than those who do. The ones who know what to say to turn the bad times into good. The girls who can make us smile just by walking into the room. The girls who make our hearts ache so much because we can't imagine not being around them. We may sleep with the wrong girls over and over and over again, but only the right ones steal our hearts."

I could feel her eyes gaping at me but I stared straight ahead at the opposite wall, unable to meet the awe in her eyes that I knew was there.

"Why do I get the feeling that you aren't talking about me anymore?" Rose asked.

I just shook my head at her, a lump forming in my throat that made it impossible to speak.

"Or maybe a better question is," she spoke softly, placing her hand on my forearm, "Why do I get the feeling that you're talking about Alice?"

And suddenly the break that Rose gave me from not having to think about her was gone and all I could do was think of the girl who had somehow unwittingly stolen my heart.

"Why'd you do it?" I said to Rose, ignoring her question altogether.

"Do what?"

I grimaced. "Sleep with bloody Malfoy," I muttered.

"Oh, so we're just going to ignore the fact that you might have feelings towards your best friend?"

"I don't," I lied because I was getting really good at lying myself.

She rolled her eyes. "Certainly sounds like you might."

"Why'd you sleep with Malfoy?" I pressured because I was also getting really good at changing the subject.

Her lips pursed. "Well, it's not like I haven't done it before so why not with Malfoy?" she muttered.

I turned to her sharply. "Who else have you been shagging?"

She shot me a look. "Of course that's what you focus on."

Rose had never had a boyfriend. Most guys were intimidated by her. Those who weren't only made Rose bitch at them more. So I couldn't fathom who Rose might have deemed good enough to sleep with.

Nor was I sure I even wanted to know.

"So your reason for sleeping with Malfoy was 'I had no reason not to?'" I drawled with the slightest shake of my head. "You can't honestly tell me you really sold yourself that short."

She shot me a scathing look. "As opposed to all the girls who would do or say anything to get into bed with you?"

I sighed. "We're not talking about me, remember?"

She sighed, too, slowly shaking her head as the contemplated my original question as to what possessed her to sleep with a guy she barely tolerated. "You know how people are always saying that being drunk and stupid shouldn't excuse you for making mistakes?" she muttered.

I nodded.

"Well, I was drunk and stupid."

I cracked a smile.

"And for the record, so was he so don't think he took advantage of me in my drunken state," she mumbled.

It's a good thing she said that because I had already started devising a list of a hundred ways to kill Malfoy and get away with it in my mind.

"When did this even happen?" I questioned curiously.

"Last Saturday," she muttered. "About an hour before you went and did your stupid thing with Fred without being drunk."

I glared at her. "Once again, let's not focus on me right now, shall we?"

That time, she was the one who cracked a smile.

"Rose," I said slowly, twisting towards her in order to face her. "You barely drink when a full-fledged party is going on around you. What were you doing drinking alone on a Saturday night?"

She hesitated. "I wasn't alone. Malfoy was there."

"You would have been better off alone."

That had her cracking another smile. But it quickly faded. "I found out about Jax and Laikyn and I was your stereotypical jealous, upset girl—yes, I know, apparently I have actual feelings, who'd have thunk?—and I happened to run into Malfoy and he could tell something was wrong and then he suggested a bottle of halo-gin and I figured why the hell not. Next thing I knew, I was half-drunk, completely vulnerable, needed an escape, and I used him to do it," she muttered.

I contemplated her words carefully. "Did it work?"

"Did what work?"

I shrugged. "Did sleeping with the devil help you escape?"

"He's not the devil."

I rolled my eyes. "Answer the question."

She drew her knees in close to her body as she sadness filled her eyes. "No," she whispered. "Shagging someone you don't care about doesn't give you an escape. It just makes you feel even more empty than you were before."

I looked down at her and saw a sad, vulnerable version of a girl I had always assumed was nothing but strong. But having unexpected feelings for a person that you didn't see coming had a way with messing with both your head and your heart.

Alice's face swam through my mind at that time.

Right before Kenley's did.

A grimace spreading across my jawline. "Yeah," I muttered. "I might know a thing or two about that."

She stole a glance my way. "Because of Alice?"

I sighed, wondering how we got back on to the topic of Alice when I was trying desperately to steer the conversation elsewhere.

But I realized that was exactly what Rose had wanted to do. Give me something else to think about just for a moment so as to quiet the ache in my heart. And it worked. For a moment. But at the end of the day, that ache would always be there.

Glancing over at Rose, I saw an unexpected compassion staring back at me and I found myself blurting out, "I kissed her."

Rose stared at me, her mouth parting. "Come again?"

"Tuesday night," I muttered.

Rose blinked. "You mean the night before you shagged Miss Queen Bee?"

Regret soared through my every vein. "The very one," I muttered.

She stared at me again before slapping me in the back of the head.

"Ow!" I howled, glaring at her. "How come you get to hit me for this but I don't get to hit you for sleeping with Malfoy?"

"Alice Longbottom is quite possibly the best thing that ever happened to you and you let that go for a bloody shag with some meaningless girl?" Rose groaned, shaking her head vigorously. "I mean, I knew you were daft, James, but this is a whole new level of daftness!"

I could have glared at her or yelled at her or found a way to insult her back, but I didn't because we both knew she was right. "I know," I whispered. "I just…I freaked out."

Rose looked at me with curious eyes. "Because you have feelings for her?"

"No," I lied.

She smirked. "Because you have feelings for her."

That time it wasn't a question.

"It's why you kissed her, isn't it."

That also wasn't a question.

"Isn't it?"

But that was.

It was the question of the hour. Of the day. Of the week. Of my whole life.

Why did I kiss Alice?

While my heart knew the answer, my head was too afraid to say it aloud.

So I just shook my head in an almost desperate manner. "I came up here because I didn't want to think or talk about her, Rosie, so can we just…not?" I pleaded with Rose, hoping it would be enough.

She frowned. "Okay, fine, I get it, I'm not the right person to talk to about this, but-"

"No one is," I muttered.

She looked at me hesitantly. "You should talk to AliCat."

That thought sent a nervous ache to my heart. "She doesn't want to talk to me," I muttered. "Which is fine because I'm not even sure what I want to say."

I was surprised to see a coy smile creeping on to her lips. "Which probably explains why you are sitting on the floor of a tower that is covered in owl pellets and smells like putrid hay."

I blinked. "Uh...what does that explain exactly?"

She chuckled. "Maybe I'm not the person you want to be talking to about this and maybe you're too afraid to talk to your own best friend, but clearly there is someone you want to talk to and you're here in the Owlery now because of it. So about you do us all a favor and write to him?"

She patted my shoulder before pulling herself off the floor. "And do it soon, alright? Gryffindor's stake in the Quidditch standings kinda depends on it."

"Oh, go fuck a Malfoy, won't you?" I muttered.

She shot me a look but we both wound up laughing.

I can't remember the last time I laughed.

It felt good to laugh.

"Thank you, Rose," I said before she could leave.

She looked at me with a bewildered smile. "For what?"

For taking my mind off of Alice if even just for a moment. For making me realize I wasn't the only one with problems. For helping me try to straighten out my priorities. For being there for me when I hardly deserved it.

Instead, I said, "For not asking me how I'm doing."

Surprise flickered in her eyes before she shrugged. "I don't have to ask. I just have to look at you to know how you're doing, James," she spoke softly. "And I'm sorry you're hurting."

She offered me a last smile before disappearing down the stairs.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

She was the first person to recognize that I wasn't just someone who had done the hurting. That I was hurting myself.

She really was the perceptive one in the family.

I leaned my head back with a sigh, thinking about what she said about there being a reason I ended up in the Owlery today. She was right of course. Because just like Alice, she was always right.

Why was it always the girls that were right?

With a hesitant sigh, I pulled out a piece of parchment and a quill and began to write.

T,

I need you.

J

I received a response an hour later.

J,

Hogs Head Pub tonight at 7.

T

XOXOXO

---

I stuck around the Owlery for another hour or two, finding a content solace in the quiet and the lack of interruptions. But when I couldn't stand the smell anymore, I picked myself off the floor, banished my broom back to the clubhouse, and wound my way through the secret passageway to Hogsmeade. I still had a few hours until I was meeting with Teddy, but getting away from the castle gave me the ability to breathe a tad easier.

I was well aware how pathetic I looked, sitting in the Hogs Head Pub by myself in the middle of the afternoon nursing a firewhisky or two still in my filthy Quidditch uniform. But it looked better than me sitting on the floor of the Owlery so I considered it a win.

"Already starting without me?"

I nearly jumped as Teddy slid into the booth opposite me.

"It's my first," I lied.

Teddy looked at me. "No, it isn't."

No, it isn't.

"You're still in your uniform," he commented.

I glanced down. "Oh," I murmured. "Yeah."

"So nice of you to shower and clean yourself up before meeting me."

I looked up at him, not sure if he was teasing me or actually insulting me. The look on his face gave nothing away. "It's been a rough day," I admitted.

He nodded. "Sounds like it's been a rough week."

I was surprised he knew that as I certainly hadn't been keeping him informed. "Who told you that?"

He shrugged. "When I got your letter, I went over to your house. I spoke to your mother."

Fuck.

I forgot how bloody nosy everyone was in the Peasley family.

Okay, technically Teddy wasn't a Potter or a Weasley.

Oh, hell, he totally was.

"She's really worried about you, James."

I'm worried about me, too.

"Is that why you came?" I found myself asking. "Because Mum is worried about me?"

He seemed taken aback by that comment, a frown spreading across his jawline. "I came because you asked me to."

There was an edge to his voice that reminded me of our last conversation together, the one that had me insulting him in a rather unforgivable way. "I'm sorry, T," I whispered. "For what I said over the holidays. You were just trying to help me and instead of letting you, I said anything I could to tear you down."

He looked at me in slight surprise. "I hate not talking to you, kid."

I looked at him, a slight smile on my face. "I hate when you call me kid."

His upper lip twitched. "It's better than when I call you arse."

I hesitated. "Not when I deserve it."

He smiled at me. "We're fine," he said dismissively. "But you clearly are not, so-"

"Wait, that's it?" I interrupted, ignoring the second half of his statement. "We stop talking for a whole month and then like that, all is suddenly forgiven?"

Teddy studied me with hesitant eyes before saying, "You don't allow yourself to need a lot of people, J. And even if you did, you certainly don't like to admit it. But you wrote to me telling me that you needed me. I knew things were bad for you. And no matter how upset or hurt I am by you, you have to know that I will always be here for you, kiddo."

It somehow made me feel worse because I didn't deserve anyone to be there for me, not the way I had been acting. "Things aren't that bad," I lied through my teeth.

That couldn't have been farther from the truth.

He stared at me, his mouth parting in slight irritation. "Things aren't that bad?" he drawled with a follow-up snort. "Are you kidding me with that?"

"I'm fine, T. Really," I lied again.

He just laughed at me, the air thick with his disbelief. "You are so far from fine, J," he groaned. "You and Fred haven't spoken a single word to each other since last weekend-"

"Not true, we had a conversation on Tuesday night," I muttered. "Oh, yeah, and on Thursday when he punched me."

"You apparently betrayed him and our entire family, although it seems none of the cousins at that school of yours are willing to say what exactly happened, which makes me think it's much worse than I'm imagining it-"

"He betrayed me first."

"-something happened with you and Alice and although no one knows what, we know it's bad because you skipped school for two straight days to drink alone in your room-"

"That's an exaggeration."

"-you punched a guy in the middle of a crowd, knowing you would lose your Captain's badge you worked incredibly hard for-"

"He deserved it."

"-and if none of that screams out complete and total emotional breakdown, you completely bombed today at your match when Quidditch has always been the one thing you could turn to, even in times of trouble."

"I had a bad day."

"No, you're having a bad month," he groaned. "So don't you dare tell me you're fine, James. You're not fine.You wouldn't have written to me, saying you needed me, if you were fine."

Okay, so I wasn't fine. I was terrible. I was heartbroken. I was hurting in places I didn't think I could hurt. It hurt to breathe let alone have a conversation. I didn't feel like me. I just felt broken and damaged as if I'd never be able to put myself back together again. As if maybe I didn't want to. As if maybe I was better off alone. I've always kept everything inside because I'd rather destroy myself than let someone else do it to me. And yet somehow, Alice destroyed me anyway. Because she was the one person I had let in. The one person I had always opened up to. And at some point in the past seventeen years, she dug her way into my heart and she never left until I forced her out. Until I did the single most horrible thing and pushed her away in the only way I apparently know how.

So maybe she hadn't been the one to destroy me after all. Maybe the true irony in all of this is that I really was the one who destroyed myself.

"Talk to me, J," Teddy pleaded and I heard such overwhelming concern in his voice, as if maybe he really did care. As if maybe I wasn't completely alone.

As I looked up at him, I knew that keeping everything bottled in was no longer the answer. I had hit rockbottom. I had to believe there was nowhere else to go but up.

"Fred lied to me for four months and betrayed me and the team," I murmured.

Teddy nodded. "I know that must have hurt."

"Oh, and he also apparently slept with Hattie over the summer and didn't tell me."

His mouth parted. "Ouch."

"So I basically told him that he was only born to replace Uncle George's dead twin brother."

His eyes narrowed. "You did what?"

"And then I kissed Alice."

He gaped at me. "You did what?"

"Right before I slept with someone else."

He glared at me. "You did what?"

"So I punched a guy because that seemed easier than dealing with any of this."

He groaned. "James!"

"And I lost the Captain's badge which I know I'm supposed to care about but I don't because nothing matters except that I completely devastated my best friend."

He didn't even say anything that time, he just sighed.

"And now pretty much everyone hates me, including myself, so I wrote to you because even though I was a right arsehole to you over Christmas I really had no one else to turn to because I've pushed everyone else in my life away since that's all I'm apparently good for and I'm just really hoping you haven't completely given up on me too," I murmured. Hesitating, I added, "Oh yeah, and Rose apparently slept with Malfoy and our seeker quit today."

That all felt oddly good to get off my chest.

I looked up at Teddy warily who was just staring back at me in shock, blinking vigorously without saying a word.

And then, after a considerable amount of time went by, he sighed, leaned back in his seat and began to speak. "I'm going to pretend you didn't tell me about Rose's sex life because if I don't ignore it I'm going to wind up telling Vic who will then tell everyone and I'd rather not be responsible for Ron going to prison for murdering the Malfoy kid. And after today I can't be all that surprised that your seeker quit on you, no offense, so I'm going to bypass that. Punching a kid clearly didn't make things easier, James, it made them harder but you probably know that. And I'm going to put the whole Fred thing on hold for now because I have a feeling you only said what you did to him because of what he did to you, which isn't right but I have a feeling you've already figured that out, and I would eventually like to get back to that whole Fred-punched-you situation you mentioned earlier but for right now I am just going to ask what the hell possessed you to kiss your best friend?"

I was not at all surprised that that was what he wanted to talk about. Locking eyes with him, I said softly, "What possessed you to kiss yours?"

Teddy blinked in surprise, a slight smirk creeping on to his face. "Because I was in love with her."

My chest tightened. "I don't love Alice," I murmured hesitantly.

Or maybe I did and I just didn't know what love was. I didn't know what any of this was. I didn't know what I was feeling or thinking or even what I was supposed to feel or think. I felt lost and confused and completely out of control. My thoughts were consumed by her, my heart longed for her. I felt numb and broken and yet strangely inflated, my mind going a mile a minute with so many different emotions that I never even thought I had.

I just wanted it all to slow down before I found myself wavering at the edge of the cliff just waiting for something, or someone, to push me off.

"Then why'd you do it?" Teddy asked, breaking me away from my thoughts. "Why'd you kiss her?"

And once again I was at a point where I had to explain something that I barely understood myself.

But as I looked up at Teddy, his question swirling around in my head, it hit me that there was a reason I hadn't been looking to understand it. There was a reason I was refusing to admit aloud what my heart was feeling. There was a reason I hadn't been able to tell Alice why I had truly kissed her in the first place.

Because I knew in every inch of my wary heart that Alice Longbottom deserved the very best.

And I certainly wasn't it.

So I couldn't act on what my heart was feeling. I wouldn't. Putting the Code aside, for at this point Quidditch was the last thing on my mind, the truth was she deserved a guy who wouldn't kiss her one night and turn around and sleep with another the next night. She deserved someone who was boyfriend material, not someone who wasn't even sure he ever wanted that. She deserved someone who hadn't spent his entire life swindling the opposite sex. She deserved someone who knew how to love her. She deserved someone who believed in love and who wanted it. She deserved to fall in love, not fall apart. And me? I'd wind up just breaking her.

If I hadn't broken her already.

"I shouldn't have kissed her," I murmured, my heart crumbling at that heavy realization.

Teddy blinked in surprise. "What?"

"I shouldn't have done it," I whispered.

He frowned. "Why do you say that?"

I struggled to find the right words to say to make sense of any of this but I couldn't. "I don't know," I murmured. "It was stupid. We had had a few drinks that night and-"

"No," Teddy cut me off with a sigh. "I don't care how drunk you are, James, you don't kiss your best friend unless you have a reason. And you don't suddenly decide to take it back a few days later just because it didn't work out the way you wanted it to."

"I'm not taking it back because it didn't work out the way I wanted it to," I argued hoarsely, though he wasn't wrong to think that. "Hell, I don't even know how I wanted it to work out."

He sighed. "Then why are you telling me that you shouldn't have kissed her?"

I stared at my now-empty glass, ignoring the ache that spread from my heart into my veins. I said nothing at first, knowing that that ache wasn't going away anytime soon, no matter how much I tried to ignore it. No matter how much I tried to ignore the truth. The truth of who I really was.

"Because, T," I murmured. "I'm the guy who kisses one girl and then sleeps with someone else the very next day."

His eyes held an unexpected sympathy as he stared at me, a frown seeping into his jawline. "And why do you think you did that?"

I shrugged defiantly. "Because the only thing I've ever done consistently in my entire life was be a jackass."

Teddy gaped at me before shaking his head. "You are not a bad person, J. You aren't. You are a good person who sometimes makes bad decisions. And yes, sleeping with some random girl the day after you kissed your best friend is one of those bad decisions," he pleaded. "But there's a reason you slept with her. So just tell me. Just say it."

"There's nothing to say!" I choked out. "I can't take back what I did and-"

"Would you want to?"

I stared at him irritably. "It doesn't matter!"

"Of course it bloody matters."

"No!" I shouted. "It doesn't because even if I could take it back, Alice would still be angry with me, only I wouldn't know why!"

Teddy's eyebrow shot into his forehead. "Alice was angry with you before you slept with some other girl?"

I slumped down in my chair, suddenly wishing I had another firewhisky in front of me. "Angry. Upset. Hurt. Something along those lines."

Teddy looked just as confused as I felt. "Why?"

I stared at him incredulously. "Did I not just say I didn't know why?" I grumbled. "If I knew why, don't you think I would have fixed it instead of sleeping with someone else."

Teddy let out a faint groan as he shook his head. "I'm suddenly very lost."

"Welcome to my world."

Teddy appeared to be thinking before he finally spoke. "Did you ever think that maybe she's just scared?"

Those words sent a jolt of cold air to my heart. "No, amazingly enough that thought didn't cross my mind as she was kicking me out of her room," I drawled. "You know who she sees me as, T? Some guy willing to snog and shag anything in sight just to avoid everything else going on in my life."

He hesitated. "Well, do you blame her for thinking that after what happened with you and this Kenley girl?"

"She thought that before I slept with that Kenley girl."

Teddy gave me a look. "That isn't true and you know it."

"It shouldn't be true," I spoke softly. "But that's what she implied."

He blinked in surprise, sitting back in his chair as he carefully studied me, or at least the broken version of me that was sitting across from him.

"Why'd you do it?" he asked me, the question barely above a whisper. "Why'd you kiss her, J?"

My heart clenched. "Will you quit asking me that?" I muttered, slumping down in the booth with a groan.

"Why can't you just answer it?"

"Why can't you stop asking me?"

"I'm trying to help!"

"Well, you're not," I seethed, folding my arms defensively across my body.

He sighed. "You say that you don't know why Alice was hurt or angry or upset with you when you kissed her, but have you ever even tried seeing this from her perspective?"

"If I knew her perspective, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

He shot me a look and I could tell his patience was growing thing. "Her best friend just kissed her, James. Her best friend, the womanizer, just kissed her. Her best friend, the womanizer who kisses everything in sight, just kissed her. Her best friend, the womanizer who kisses everything in sight and who decided to spring a kiss on her completely unexpectedly while slightly inebriated, just kissed her," he said with a curt shrug. "You blindsided her, James. And you didn't give her any time to think or feel something."

As he spoke, a frustrated dread burrowed in my stomach. "So you think I was just playing games with her, too, is that it? That all I'm good for is a snog or two before I get bored?"

Teddy's lips pursed before he shook his head. "I think that you can't seem to answer the question as to why you kissed her and if you can't even see it then how can you expect her to?"

I could see it. I just didn't want to.

I stared back down at my empty glass, unable to look up and see the desperation in my godbrother's eyes as he tried to help me sort out my own convoluted feelings. Feelings I never knew I could have. Feelings that confused me and scared me and unnerved me because they didn't make sense to me. None of this made sense to me.

I didn't even realize I was speaking until the words were already out of my mouth.

"Did you ever think that maybe Alice isn't the only one who's scared?"

I could feel Teddy's eyes on me but I refused to look up from the melting ice in my glass, not sure I wanted to see what might be staring back at me.

"Yeah," he finally said, "Actually that thought did occur to me, J. But that's expected. You don't go from not feeling anything to feeling everything towards your best friend without being a little scared. I get it. Believe me, I do. The very idea of it not working out and losing the girl who has always made your life have meaning is not something you can easily ignore. But there's another possible outcome here, J."

"Death?"

Teddy cracked a smile. "No, but way to be dramatic," he said with a slight chuckle. Leaning in, he said, "The other outcome is you finally getting all of the things you never thought you wanted and yet all the things you've always needed."

If only it was that easy.

"But what if it's not about what I need?" I spoke softly. "What if she deserves something more?"

He looked at me curiously. "More than what?" he asked. "Love?"

I winced. There was that word again.

"More than me," I said, the three words coming out in a husky whisper.

Teddy looked both alarmed and sad by my confession, and I was surprised when he reached over and placed his hand over mine. "You are her best friend, James," he spoke softly, leaning in towards me. "Maybe you have flaws, maybe you're not perfect, maybe you make mistakes, but you never stopped caring about her even when you didn't know to care about yourself. So don't sell yourself short, J. I promise you, there is no one else in this world better for her than you."

Except pretty much everyone.

But I realized then as I stared at my godbrother that if I couldn't give her what she deserved then maybe I didn't have to be the guy who had feelings for her. Maybe I could still be the guy who got to be her friend.

If she'll let me.

I finally looked up at him. "What do I do?" I choked out, the desperation seeping into my every word.

Teddy met my gaze with determination and said, "You talk to her."

I sighed. "In case you haven't been listening, Alice and I are very much on non-speaking terms with each other at the moment," I murmured.

"Then fix it."

I let out a slightly exasperated sigh. "How? As excellent as I am at the screwing up part, I'm not so great at the fixing my screw-ups part."

Teddy grimaced. "You've got a lot of messes to clean up, J. But you can't give up on yourself if you don't want her to give up on you."

And then I spoke the words that gave me the most amount of heartache. "I'm pretty sure she already has."

Teddy just shrugged and said, "Then give her a reason to change her mind."

Give her a reason to change her mind.

But how?

"Now," Teddy said with a bit of a smirk on his face, "How about you buy me a drink and then tell me all about this black eye that Freddie gave you."

XOXOXO

---

A/N: ::ducks as an entire garden full of tomatoes is chucked at me:: I knowwwww, this isn't at all what any of you were expecting. But you didn't really think that James would grow up quite yet, did you? Oh, no, no, no, that will take more time (and probably should take years worth of therapy...). But hey, at least we got some good Teddy advice, aye? I like to call this chapter The Many, and Different, Conversations Between James Potter and his Family. We had Fred (who ended up punching him), we had Lily (who James walked away from), we had Albus (who might actually care about his brother more than he lets on), we had Rose (who seems to be the only person who understands what James really needs right now) and we had Teddy (YAY TEDDY).

The question is, will James listen to Teddy?

Next up: I guess we're about to find out.