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Big Brothers.
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I have started asking odd things of everybody – just to see what they will all do for me. A lot, from the way everyone has been reacting to my outlandish requests. Yesterday's outlandish requests have included, that Toph play for me on the flute (the girliest instrument- she protested but did it), that Suki play for me on the mandolin and that Zuko play for me on the tsungi horn. I was feeling a bit musical yesterday. I have also asked that Zuko hurry up on my anklet and bring me various snacks/drinks (he is my favourite waiter) and carry me various places (I couldn't settle yesterday and kept wanting to move). I have gotten Suki do the fan dance for me again. I demanded that Toph preface every comment she made to me with the three words I love to hear (you were right). I wasn't right about anything in particular yesterday, but I just LOVE to hear Toph said it. I asked that Sokka not make one sarcastic comment all day and to cease and desist all jokes at my expense. Sokka has often made the 'I'm-about-to-say-something-really-funny' face but managed to keep all of his comments to himself. Within my hearing at least.
I have asked Aang to work on that funky ball trick he was experimenting with a couple of days ago– because that trick was awesome, it keeps Aang busy and it incorporated the four bendings- so it is brilliant practice. I don't know if I will make this particular outlandish request again. My entire afternoon yesterday became filled with Aang's constant requests to watch him and he would perpetually ask – did you see me? Did you see what I did? etc. The correct answer to this is always yes and to gush enthusiastically about Aang's progress and cleverness. I will admit I was impressed at the start – but I really wanted to get back to Love Amongst the Dragons – because I was in a really good bit – But Aang's persistent requests for my attention made it hard to read any of the book.
Zuko and Toph also watched Aang's ball trick and offered what they called constructive criticism. Mostly Toph was just calling out affectionate insults about Aang's need for attention/applause. Zuko said it was an impressive trick, but Aang needed to work more on his control etc and needed to think about a way to use the funky ball in combat. Aang got a bit stroppy with Zuko about this. Zuko was 'ruining' the funky ball with his talk of combat. The funky ball is not for combat, according to Aang. It is just to look awesome/prove to disbelieving people that he is the Avatar. Zuko got a bit stroppy right back and said that Sozin's comet is not that far away and if Aang wasn't going to use the funky ball in combat – he should be practicing something that he could use to defeat the fatherlord instead. There was a small schmozzle. I had to use my injured powers (which I am discovering are much like birthday powers) to get them to agree to disagree.
-?-
Have healed my ankle a little bit more and it is nearly better. When it has healed completely I will be sad to lose my injured person powers. But I will be back on my feet which is much better.
-?-
I'm not good at sitting around and doing nothing. I think I went a bit stir crazy with my outlandish requests yesterday and so today I am trying to do something nice for everybody and do all our mending. I figured I may as well be useful while I'm off my feet. Everybody had a few ripped and torn pieces of clothing anyway and there was a great deal of enthusiasm for my mending them (mostly I think because everyone else is really crap at mending.)
Suki and Sokka had gone to the shops to get some supplies and stuff for lunch. Toph and Aang were snuggling about me – as they do lately. Though Aang has been banished a little bit further down the couch away from my 'done' pile of mending. Aang accidentally re-ripped one of Toph's pants that I had just fixed when he was playing with Momo. I was vaguely irritated and said as much and Aang made the sad face he always does when I scold him. I have magnanimously said that he can still play with Momo – just not near anything that I have just fixed..
Toph was lying on the couch with her feet in my lap. She was metalbending her bracelet into different shapes and listening to Zuko as he read out from Love Amongst the Dragons. I can't sew and read at the same time. And I was in a really good bit. But the mending definitely needed seeing to – soon none of use would have any clothes that weren't ripped or torn in places. Would certain people take to just wandering round shirtless all the time if they found they suddenly had no shirts that weren't full of holes? Mmmmmhhhh.
Something to ponder.
Anyway, this morning I couldn't think of many outlandish requests, but then I started doing the mending and thinking about how great it would be to find out if Zara could get Kizu back from Zali's evil clutches. I asked Zuko if he would read the book out loud, while I did the mending. I didn't even have to nag him that much to get him to do it. He said he may as well because Aang had declared that he was taking the morning off (a side effect of their schmozzle yesterday.) Aang is finding enthusiastic practice very stressful and needed a break before his head exploded. Since we can't have Aang's head exploding, he has gotten his way in this. I know both Toph and Zuko have planned very intense training sessions this afternoon.
It was all very sweet and domestic. Zuko had his feet on the coffee table and was sprawled back in the big comfy chair while he read. He even did the voices. I was worried that it would spoil the book for Aang and Toph. Zuko has read it. (I asked him what he thought of it because I thought it was ridiculous and lame but so engrossing. He shrugged and said it was okay.) Aang said it wouldn't be a problem because he didn't normally read books (he lacks the concentration span- this surprises none of us). Toph said she didn't normally read books either, but much more sarcastically. She may have also made a few blind comments (re: her ability to read and my stupidity for forgetting this) at my expense.
Anyway I noticed that slowly Toph became more interested in the story than bending her bracelet. It was a good bit- Zara had taken in the orphaned kid Tian, because she couldn't just leave her. (Zara always helps people who need it and I feel great kinship with her). Anyway Tian is also a dragon bender and lots of things exploded and they had to chase down this bad guy and there was drama! Toph left my lap and slowly inched closer to Zuko. She, by sheer virtue of her Toph-ness, ended up squished in the comfy chair with him.
Zuko was a bit surprised when she first clambered on the chair with him. He asked if she wanted the chair, a bit incredulously. No she did not. She just wanted to be able to listen better. She elbowed him at least three times in the stomach (Zuko made a small noise of disgruntlement each time) but managed to maneuver herself into a comfy position. Zuko was a bit awkward about the whole chair smushing/having a small wiggling Toph sitting on him, but eventually started reading again in his normal tone (after Toph said read on already!). I was listening intently, (but I managed to listen intently without sitting in Zuko's lap). Aang was listening a little less intently because he was quite engrossed in his game with Momo – he was air bending little updrafts and Momo was floating on them and chirruping happily.
I'd gotten through three quarters of the mending pile and we'd all just gotten to the bit where Zali (bloody Zali!) wanted to take Tian because she was a dragon prodigy and she said that she would swap Kizu for Tian. Zara and Zali were fighting an intense duel, when Sokka and Suki came to join us. Suki just got stuff for sandwiches for lunch. She can make sandwiches easily. She went to the kitchen to start putting things away but Sokka stayed with us.
He sat for a bit and then coughed awkwardly. I didn't realize, but this was meant to be an attention-grabbing-cough, not a regular cough. He didn't get our attention and so he coughed again, much more meaningfully. Zuko stopped and looked up. Sokka asked if they could spar. Right now. Oh no! I still had a quarter pile of mending and I wanted to know if Zara would win her fight with Zali. I protested before Zuko could say anything and said that they could spar later. Sokka said it was really important that they spar now and he had something he wanted to talk to Zuko about. He said this and shot Zuko a meaningful look. There were layers of meaning to that look. Zuko sighed, got up (with a bit of difficulty – Toph was being an awkward lump again) and said that Aang could keep reading for me. He passed the book to Aang and pointed out where he was up to and left with Sokka. Boo.
-?-
Aang had a good go at reading but he didn't do the voices and it just wasn't the same. He got a bit bored of it and I said it was okay and he could play with Momo instead. Aang and Momo both prefer this and it keeps them occupied/out of my hair (and my mending). This morning was meant to be relaxing for Aang after all and I was glad to hear the sound of his joyous laughter. I could always read it after I had finished the mending. Toph came back from the comfy chair and sat grumpily next to me and Aang. She wondered aloud what Sokka would possibly have to talk to Zuko about so badly.
Me and Aang tossed around a few ideas. Shopping? -Sokka wants to know the latest firenation fashion! Though why he would ask Zuko is a bit perplexing. Zuko's not really a shopper. Fishing? They want to go and have some manly bonding time and noogie each other until one of them falls in. Swords? Sokka wants to know more swordy tricks. The possibilities were endless, they could be talking about anything from not thinking ahead, thinking ahead, the war, plans, plots, to things Ozai is allergic too? (one of these things would be smiling- obviously).
Toph said sarcastically Oh please, they're talking about you, Katara. I protested indignantly. They are not. How would Toph know. Toph said she just knew these things airily. Now my interest was sparked! What are they saying? They were too far away to eavesdrop! Boo. Aang (who got up and went over to the window so he could see them sparring on the beach) said they just looked like they were messing about and just regular talking. I asked (casually) what it looked like they were talking about. Aang said he wasn't sure, he couldn't tell. Then he started offering a running commentary on their sparring session that ended with...oh now there's big gesturing from Sokka... oh Zuko just dropped his swords in surprise. Then Aang winced a little bit and ooh that's gotta hurt!
-?-
I was about to get up and hop over to the window to investigate, but I could hear the dulcet sound of Zuko swearing coming up the garden path and I was quickly able to summarize what happened. Their conversation went like this.
Z: Bloody hell – every time Sokka!
S: It was an accident – it's your fault for not concentrating anyway – you can't blame me if your attention span is shorter than Aang's!
Z: Well you distracted me – every time we spar I end up getting clobbered over the head or bleeding profusely. That's it's! I'm not sparring with you again
S: Why you afraid I'll beat you and make you cry like a little girl.
Z: Pfft – I'd kick your arse to next sunday.
S: Then why is it I'm not the one who gets clobbered or bleeds profusely every time we spar?
Z: Because you trick me! You distracted me with..what you said!
They stopped at the door, we all looked up. Zuko was holding his forearm tightly and it was bleeding in a steady stream. I beckoned him over and asked Aang to get me a bowl of water for healing. Zuko came over and sat next to me and showed me the rather deep cut on his forearm. I immediately asked him to take his shirt off. He asked why- (no reason – just because I said so)- Eeerrr...because it would be easier to heal. He complied.
Mmmhhhh.
No, it was healing time!
And everyone else was here. Daydreams are for alone time, after all.
Aang wanted to know what happened ( a bit excitedly). Sokka said that Zuko had been beaten by the awesome power of space-sword and Sokka's incredible skill. Zuko protested that Sokka had really distracted him and was super wily and would have never won if he hadn't been so distracting so his only incredible skill was that of distraction! There was a small, good-natured argument about who would kick arse (Sokka maintains that he would wallop Zuko if they were ever really fighting. Zuko disagrees). I would normally always say Zuko is the better swordsman, but now I'm not so sure. Zuko and Sokka spar frequently, but somehow, if one of them is going to get injured it is going to be Zuko. Sure Sokka can be distracting and annoying – but he can't be that distracting and annoying. What did he say?
When it was just the four of us, Sokka would occasionally make sarcastic comments about the universe hating him- because if ever one of us got hurt, the odds are it would be Sokka and it would be in a ludicrously unlucky way. Following this logic - it appears that the universe hates Zuko even more than it hates Sokka. Perhaps this is why Sokka and Zuko get along so well, they both are used to getting randomly and ridiculously injured.
What were they talking about? Was it me – like Toph hypothesized or was it something lame like sword sharpening techniques. Toph beat me to it and asked the blunt question. She always asks the blunt question, bless her cotton socks. What were you guys talking about anyway she asked nonchalantly while picking at her toes. –Zuko said err nothing. Sokka said umm fishing. I said Fishing for nothing? incredulously with an eyebrow raise. Sokka told me it was a complicated manly warrior metaphor and I wouldn't understand. I threw some pants at him. Suki had come up behind him and she said oh really? What was this complicated manly metaphor that we poor females couldn't understand? Hardy har har har! Sucks to be you Sokka! Sokka's face registered absolute panic. Suki waved off whatever lame excuse Sokka was about to say and just said that lunch would be ready in ten minutes.
-?-
I finished healing Zuko's arm. He put his shirt back on after wards. Boo. We had lunch. It was delicious. He has gone off with Aang to throw fireballs and practice enthusiastically. Suki and Sokka are having a mild argument in the kitchen about sexism. It is quiet enjoyable to listen to. Suki wins at arguments forever! Toph was sitting with me picking her toes listlessly, but has since decided that she would rather go watch the practice and randomly bend rocks at Aang when he least suspects it – to test his reflexes.
I started reading Love Amongst the Dragons again – but had to put it down when I was overcome by emotion. I was crying because Zali had just sacrificed herself for Zara after everything! And it was so sad. They were long lost twins and they could have gotten along so well and they were identical and then Zali took Zara's place and it's all too much!
I had a bit of a cry and felt a bit ridiculous for crying over a book and crying over Zali of all characters. It was a slightly noisy cry. Aang and Zuko and Toph came in and were a bit alarmed by my tears. Aang rushed over and hugged me. I explained that it was nothing – it was just this ridiculous, soapy, melodramatic book of ridiculousness and lamesness and I was being ridiculous – crying over something so lame. Zuko got me a hanky and said that I shouldn't be embarrassed; everybody found it a little bit sad when Zali dies or when Tian gets sick or when Kizu gets taken.
I gave him a look and asked him if he had liked the book (he had previously denied liking it after my rant about how lame it was earlier). He blushed and said he didn't like it, it was lame and ridiculous and I had said so myself. Toph sang out I can tell you're lying Zuko, happily. Ha! Hardy har har! I told him he should just admit it. He was a big, fat Love Amongst the Dragons fan! Zuko blushed again and said that he had to go train Aang. Aang protested that they'd been training all afternoon. Zuko said that they have to go training again (now!) and beat a hasty retreat. Aang let go of me and followed.
-?-
After they had gone I tried waterbending healing my ankle again. I managed to ease most of the swelling and now my ankle is back to normal size. It is still a little sore, but I can walk on it gingerly for now. I have walked around the lounge room a few times and now I have climbed the stairs. I think I'll just need one more healing session tomorrow and it will be back to normal. I have decided to demonstrate my final healing session for Aang to see if it helps him pick up anything re: waterbending healing.
-?-
Dinner was kebabs again.
-?-
Zuko bought me a sun poppy tea in bed. I told him about how well my ankle had healed and he said he was really glad and that I probably wouldn't need the tea anymore after tonight. He sat on one end of the bed and I put my foot in his lap while he unwrapped the bandage for the last time. He gave me the anklet. Yay! I think my brain must be melting around Zuko. I just get this stomach fluttery feeling like indigestion around him all the time now. It is a nuisance- this feeling. I am in two minds about it.
On the one hand, (the less sensible, more swoony hand) loves this sort of thing. When Zuko does little things for me or smiles at me or talks with me – this hand does a little happy dance. This hand was most excited to get another present from Zuko. This hand is obviously my stupider hand.
The other hand, (the more sensible and practical hand), says that I should stop having daydreams etc about Zuko because that is a very silly (and time-wasting) leisure activity and also because he is Zuko and we are complete opposites and it would never work out between us so nothing can come of daydreams etc. This hand also says we are in the middle of a war and I should focus on that. Winning the war should come first. Boys should be the least of my concern. I like this hand. I wish it would take over – or at least slap some sense into the other hand. But whenever I'm around Zuko – the first hand takes over and I feel overcome by the urge to talk with him and tickle him and tease him.
Tonight I teased him about Love Amongst the Dragons at length. He is obviously a fan. He got so into reading it out. He blushed and denied it a little bit. He is lying and I don't even need Toph's earthbendy senses to tell. Mostly because Zuko is a dreadful liar. Eventually in the face of my teasing (and a small amount of tickling) he fessed up. He loved the book. His mum used to read it to him when he was sick, so it is like his equivalent of soft little seal. He said whenever he reads it, even though he knows it's a bit melodramatic, it makes him feel home and safe. He smiled at me a little ruefully and shrugged and said I could judge away. I told him I would nudge away instead and gave him a big old affectionate foot nudge. He gave my foot a little tickle. And we smiled at eachother.
The first hand did a happy dance.
-?-
Sokka made breakfast. He invented a new jam. Actually he just added fireflakes to a perfectly good jam and called it Sokka's secret sauce. The only secret is how he could even think to make something this terrible. It is all kinds of repulsive. He has ruined the jam forever! I let Toph whack Sokka with the common sense stick (he kept dodging just out of my reach).
-?-
Aang is earthbending at the moment but later we will have another healing lesson. I was walking round the house slowly this morning, just to test out my ankle, and I have overheard an unusual conversation between Sokka and Zuko. They were watching Aang and Toph train and munching on fireflakes and I was behind them in the kitchen. I eavesdropped, as usual.
Sokka apologized for yesterday. Zuko asked if he was apologizing for slicing his arm open or for saying that thing he said..Sokka hand waved this comment with a let's not get into that again. Sokka said he had something to say but it just came out wrong yesterday. Zuko replied that he shuddered to think what it would sound like if it came out right. Sokka got a bit indignant and said he shouldn't be like that- because he was Sokka's best friend and if Sokka couldn't talk about this with him ...Zuko interrupted with a very surprised I am? Sokka said, yeah, I guess you are. There was a big pause before Sokka added For goodness sake- don't look so pleased with yourself! Zuko asked if they were meant to hug or shake hands or something after a pronouncement of best friend-ery, but Sokka shrugged and said nah, I'm good. There was another pause. It turned into a very long pause. Eventually Zuko said so what did you want to talk to me about.
Then Sokka launched into this little speech of big brotherly affection. In a really weird way, I find it kind of sweet (except for the cutting people into tiny pieces with boomerang bit.) Sokka and I always look out for each other, after all. It's nice that Sokka wants to big brother me sometimes. I find it irritating (because I don't really need him to big brother me – I'm am a master bender) and sweet (because it's nice that he still tries) at the same time. This is an unusual mix of feelings.
He said Look what I wanted to say was thanks. Suki told me what you did in the forest when Katara got bitten. Katara means the world to me- but you know that. And I should have started by saying thanks. Not that other thing... You're a good guy to have around in a tight situation and so... I'm glad that you guys are hanging out... but you should know that if any guy ever hurt her I would...I'd find the guy and cut him into tiny pieces with boomerang. Zuko offered to hold the guy down while Sokka did his boomerang thing. Sokka said that while he appreciated the offer, he thought Zuko had missed his point and his point was...Zuko cut across him and said that he got the point.
Then Zuko said She means a lot to me too Sokka - I'd die before I'd let anything hurt her. He said it so sincerely. I don't know, something in the way he said it made this cold thrill run up my spine. Sokka said he wasn't asking for any big noble sacrifices, but if anything happened to him, he'd want Zuko to look out for me. Zuko said Sokka shouldn't think like that. He wouldn't let anything bad happen to Sokka either. Sokka mock swooned like a character in Love Amongst the Dragons and said Oh my hero very dramatically. Zuko promptly gave him a little push back and told him to shut up (but he did this very affectionately).
After a while (and a couple of handfuls of fireflakes) Sokka said that he was glad they had this talk. Zuko replied that he was glad that Sokka hadn't sliced his arm open again. Sokka made a very frustrated noise and said Oh, for the last time, it was an accident! Zuko said it hadn't felt like an accident when he was bleeding everywhere. Sokka said he was about to meet with another accident if he didn't drop it. Zuko said oh yeah – I'll accident you! Then there was a great deal of the usual inelegant struggling that the boys always engage in.
Is it just me or does every conversation the boys have (even really dorky sweet ones) end with inelegant struggling.
-?-
Toph was right. They were talking about me. But in a nice way. I feel a great affection for the two of them (even though they are idiots). After their conversation, I have felt this warm, happy feeling in my chest as well as a bubbly feeling in my stomach and my swoony hand is quite happy and swoony. I haven't said anything about what I overheard (because I am not meant to eavesdrop after all.) but I still can't help smiling at the two of them and their antics a little more than usual.
-?-
After lunch – Kebabs again- I took Aang for a healing lesson. We went up to his room so there would be less distractions for Aang. Aang gets side tracked easily by the shenanigans of everybody else. Aang's room is a bit sparser than mine because I have hung paintings everywhere. But he still has a nice view.
I showed him how I healed my ankle and I let him have a go. I felt no improvement but a slight tickling when Aang tried to heal. I think a tickling sensation is a good thing. It's got to be progress at least. Sometimes I wish I'd had more time to learn with Yugoda, if only so I could teach Aang better. I finished off healing my ankle and it felt much better. I paced around the room for the rest of the lesson jut to make sure that I can walk on it properly again.
-?-
We did some theory (chi flows etc) and I think Aang was paying attention the whole time. He answered every question right at least. I kept getting distracted because Aang's room really needed a clean. He doesn't even have that many possessions (being a monk and all) but what he did have was sprawled everywhere! Stuff was all over the room. I mean they make cupboards for a reason Aang! I had a bossy moment regarding the state of Aang's room and how we have to clean it up pronto.
Yes, I have become That Person.
Aang said he knew where everything was and what was the point of putting things in a cupboard if he was just going to take them out again? It didn't bother him that his room was in a mess and besides the cupboard was locked anyway. Aang hadn't bothered to open it because it gave him bad vibes. Does neatness/organization give him bad vibes? I sighed and fumbled with the keys Toph made me around my neck. That Person doesn't let a locked door get in the way of neatness.
I messed about with the lock for a bit. I had a small rant while I fiddled. It would be easier for Aang to find things if they were all folded neatly in his cupboard and that would make it easier to differentiate between what was dirty and what was clean. Aang's current system of everything on the floor allowed for no such differentiation. If I was going to do washing, I would have no idea what was dirty etc. The locked clicked. I opened the door and gasped in surprise and slammed it shut again.
Maybe Aang shouldn't use this cupboard after all.
-?-
I slammed the doors closed before Aang could see inside. Aang was looking at me in alarm. I said there was a dead animal of some description in there (just a small white lie) and I didn't want Aang to see it. He is very sensitive about animals after all. Aang gave the cupboard a nervous look. I said that maybe Aang should go earthbend with Toph again, while I got rid of the skeleton for him. Aang agreed. He loves animals and finds dead ones very distressing. I asked him to send Zuko up to help with the dead animal removal.
I wish it was a dead animal we were removing. A dead animal would be nice compared to the literal arseload of crazy evil that was in the cupboard.
-?-
So..umm...Aang is in Ozai's room. Very definitely. Sucks to be Aang. That cupboard was a crazy evil storage system! When I opened the doors and the first thing that greeted me was a list that was entitled People to Kill. It was a long list. Some names have been crossed off. Well that is... suitably psychotic.
That was when I slammed the doors shut.
I wasn't sure what to do with all this stuff. We'd have to get rid of it somehow. It would give Aang nightmares if he could see it. I thought I should ask Zuko first. It was his crazy dad's stuff after all. I wanted to show him privately because he's very touchy about this sort of thing. He's very touchy about anything to do with Ozai really. I think I'm getting a better understanding as to why.
Zuko had come up a quickly with a big bag for dead animal removal and a grim look. I told him it was much worse than a dead animal and it was a collection of all his dad's crazy evil and that I wasn't sure what we should do with all of it. I opened the cupboard and showed him the collection of crazy evil. I asked if he knew this was here but he said he didn't and he'd never been allowed into this room as a kid. His mum had moved into a bedroom downstairs when they'd been little and this room had always been Ozai's.
We had a closer look. On the other door, opposite the People To Kill list, was a picture of Zuko's uncle that had a giant X cut into it. Next to the picture was a scroll that said mercy upon conditions. I had a quick scan. It looked like Ozai had been defeated in something called an Agni Kai by Iroh, but Iroh had let him go, uninjured, on one condition. The scroll didn't say what the condition was, only that Ozai had agreed to it. I asked Zuko what it meant. He thumbed the scroll and said he never even knew that they had fought an Agni Kai together and he had no idea what the condition would be. He hadn't been born when this fight had taken place. So an Agni Kai is a fight? He said it was more than a fight, it was an honor duel and it was a big deal in the fire nation.
In small angry letters around the picture were little notes about weaknesses and ways of striking back at Iroh. One of these said Iroh is attached to the boy. How can this be used against him? Zuko gasped when he saw it and then his mouth set in a grim line and he said he thought we should burn it all. Have a big bonfire and put it all in a pile and burn it. This is a very firenation solution to the problem of the cupboard of crazy evil, but I do not disagree with it.
-?-
We started packing the cupboard's contents into the dead animal sack that Zuko had bought. Zuko shoved papers into the bag with unnecessary force and didn't seem to want to stop and read anything. Ozai had kept files on what appeared to be everyone he had ever met in his entire life. He had divided the world into three categories. Enemies, allies, and Miscellaneous obstacles. Zuko was classed as a miscellaneous obstacle under this system. He snorted derisively when he read this. I asked him if he wasn't at least a little bit curious to know what his father had written about him. He said bitterly that he didn't need to read some moldy old file to know what his dad thought of him. And that seemed to be the end of that.
-?-
Azula had by far the biggest file. In fact she had several big files. One was entitled Azula's lessons. Zuko said that his dad had started giving her special firebending lessons when she'd been six or so. The file probably had records of her progress and the stuff he taught her etc. We should at least have a better look at this, I said. It might give us an understanding of Azula and any of her sneaky special bending tricks. Zuko looked at the file like it might bite him and said he had enough special bending tricks of his own after seeing the dragons – but I could read it if I wanted. I thought it would be good to get a better understanding of Azula for the next time I fight her, so I did.
-?-
I picked up one of the papers that had fallen out of the lesson file and gave it a quick skim read. Wow, this was a disturbing insight into the mind of Ozai.
The girl's pink friend has arrived. She is malleable and will be an easy training tool for the girl. Control and manipulation games for her. Just little things. We are only practicing now.
The girl is learning well. Small, scary things that cannot be traced back to her. The pink friend is now very obedient and this pleases the girl. She is learning to enjoy power over others.
The girl has hurt the pink friend and feels rather guilty despite the fact that I tell her that she has made a remarkable achievement. No one, not even the wife, suspects her.
The girl cannot stop crying and fawning over pink friend. I think this is a result of the wife's or the boy's influence.
Have beheaded many scorpidillos in front of all the children. Pink girl sniveled pathetically and cried. I told her I was doing it for her sake. It proves I care and it is good for the children to get a stomach for gore and violence.
Threw scorpidillo stomach at the pink girl to get her to stop sniveling. The boy pushed her out of the way of said stomach and ended up covered in entrails. He promptly threw up. So weak. (This must have been the Ozai- Scourge of the Scorpidillos afternoon that Zuko told me about.)
Umm... Ozai wasn't teaching her bending during these 'special lessons'. He was teaching her how to be a friggin psychopath. The file detailed the animals they hurt, the manipulation games and the cruel tricks she played on her family and friends, exercises in control and domination. It was appalling and fascinating to read. I just skimmed through it because I didn't have the stomach to read it closely. What became apparent was that Ozai didn't really see anyone else as a person. Not even Azula, really. He didn't call any of them by their names. Azula was referred to as the girl, Zuko must have been the boy, he called their mother the wife and there were many mentions of the pink girl – which I assume must have been Ty Lee.
Ozai is a nutcase.
Like seriously. Whatever is wrong with him, it is not a little thing.
-?-
The scary thing was that the file only detailed one summer's worth of special lessons. It appeared that Zuko's mum had had enough by the end of the holiday because they had a big fight. The last page said:
Have gotten into a large argument with the wife. She has accused me of turning the girl into a monster. Within the girl's hearing. This is good. I have previously told the girl that the wife does not love her and thinks of her as a monster. Now she will believe it.
The boy took the girl away to her room and started play the tsungi horn for her loudly. To drown out the sound of the argument and to cheer her up.
I hate the sound of tsungi horn.
The girl has asked the boy if he thinks she is a monster. He does not. This pleases the girl. She wishes to spend time with the boy and forgo her lesson this afternoon. This displeases me.
The children are too close. The boy could taint the girl with his weakness. I will devise ways to separate them.
I don't know why, but I showed Zuko the last page. He'd been quite adamant about not wanting to read anything, but I thought he should read this. It always struck me as a bit sad that Azula and Zuko spend a great deal of their time thinking of ways to hurt the other. They are brother and sister after all. I could never imagine me and Sokka behaving in that way. When Zuko spoke of her ages ago, he said they'd gotten along as children. Maybe it would do him some good to know that -left to her own devices- Azula may have turned out a little less sociopathic and crazyevil than she was at present. Ozai really had been trying to pit them against each other and separate them. Zuko closed the file and put it in the sack and said well, he certainly succeeded.
While I had been reading, Zuko had cleared out every draw and ripped everything off the doors – so now the cupboard looked scrubbed bare and brand new. Aang could put his stuff in here now. We had a quick look around the room for any other artifacts of crazy evil, but found none. I folded all of Aang's clothes and put them in the cupboard. There now. I feel better now that the cupboard contains clothes instead of crazy evil.
-?-
Aang was still earthbending with Toph and Sokka and Suki were cuddling the the hammock when we carried the sack out of the house and down to the beach. We made small campfire and Zuko threw the whole sack on the fire, with this unreadable expression on his face. The sun was setting by this time and we just sort of sat together and watched it burn in silence. I wish I knew what to say to him. Maybe something along the lines of I'm sorry your dad is such a nutcase, only I'd be more eloquent and I would use a better word than nutcase. But really I had no idea what to say in this situation.
I just- my dad never made me drown Sokka's pet -just to prove a point to my mum. I just don't have any comprehension of that level of... He's just plain old messed in the head….I mean Zuko, on the rare occasions he spoke about his dad, would just say his dad wasn't a nice man. Not a nice man is the most ridiculous understatement. I just can't quite understand – but maybe that is a good thing. I'm oddly glad that Zuko doesn't talk much about his childhood. I think if he did, it would make me too sad. Or it would make me so mad that I'd storm to the capital myself and find Ozai and just beat the crap out of him and say you do not treat people like that!
I had no idea what to say, so I just laid my hand over his. After a while his fingers curled around mine and I gave his hand a small squeeze. He squeezed back and didn't take his hand away. We just sat together and watched the fire and the sunset and didn't say a word.
-?-
I made dinner again for the first time in ages. It feels good to be back on my feet again. Everyone has praised my cooking to the skies and I told them all they didn't have to give into my outrageous demands anymore (some people looked markedly relived at this pronouncement). Aang did a little version of the funky ball for me and Suki did the fan dance again – just for old times sake. Sokka ate more than his fair share of meat and Toph made many sarcastic comments so it seems like everything is back to normal.
Except for Zuko, who was pretty quiet throughout dinner though.
I am worried.
-?-
When it was just the two of us and we were washing the dishes, I tried to get him to talk about it. I actually said copper piece for your thoughts – which has got to be the lamest line ever. He shrugged and said he didn't want to talk about it and it took much nagging and truthbending to get him to open up. He just said that he didn't give two coppers about his dad anymore. He was just feeling mopey about his sociopathic sister. They'd always been together as kids and Ozai didn't have time for either of them.
Then it became apparent that she was a prodigy. And everyday his dad would compare them and make them compete against eachother. She'd beat me every single time and I just started to resent it and resent her and I trained every night until I was exhausted, but I still couldn't quite compete. Zuko said he doesn't think he'd be able to beat Azula on his own. Mostly he was sad that he has to think about fighting her at all. If they meet up again it's going to be a fight to the death, because that's just how things are between them now. But she was still his little sister. His mum would have wanted him to look after her, not think about how one of them would probably kill the other before the end of summer.
If one of them is going down, it is not going to be Zuko if I have anything to say about it. He told Sokka, he'd die before he'd let anything hurt me. Well, I feel the same way about him. I feel the same way about everyone here. I couldn't manage without any of them. They are my family. I got a bit ranty and told Zuko he should stop talking about being killed etc because I certainly wasn't about to let anything like that happen and it made me upset to hear him talk about it so normally. I was quite upset already actually. Zuko came over and hugged me and said he was an idiot and he hadn't meant to upset me. I agreed about him being an idiot and hugged him back. Then I don't know who was comforting whom anymore, because Zuko sort of crumpled on me and I started rubbing his back soothingly.
He might be an idiot, but he's my idiot. I'm not about to let anything hurt him again.
-?-
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lovely wonderful readers! You have reached the end of big brothers! Congratulations and I hope you enjoyed it!
Thank you for being so patient with me! Once again I am dreadfully sorry for the late updates. But I have written another extra long chapter for you which I hope can tide you over until I can next post. Big thank you to my wonderful reviewers who are brilliant and lovely and fabulous! Snuggles for all of you!
This chapter deals a bit with the big brother relationship between Sokka and Katara and Zuko and Azula. I read from bryke that the families (water tribe and firenation) were almost meant to be mirror/foils for each other. Zuko and Sokka both have the big brother role and I wanted to explore that a little.
Side note: So, everything about Zuko and Katara, from their families to their bendings are mirrors of each other. Bryke create this perfect ying-yang balance between the two of them and they are then surprised that we ship it? Err okay. Personally I think it is hard to accidentally create a perfect ying-yang balance, but there ya go. It can be done!
Katara is making outlandish requests at the start – because she is Katara and she can. She really does love to hear that she was right -especially from Toph. The Funkyball makes a reappearance. Zuko makes the suggestion that it could be used in combat. Aang disagrees. This was just to highlight that I think there was always this subtle undercurrent of difference between them with regards to battle etc. Aang is almost in denial that it is coming and he has to think seriously about it – and Zuko always reminds him of it without fail. This will lead to shenanigans later. I also wanted to further reinforce the maternal connection between Aang and Katara- that's what Aang's did you see me? Did you see? Is about.
Zuko reads Love Amongst the Dragons out loud to Katara and Toph and Aang - because I thought it would be too cute for words and I am addicted to the fluff. Judge away dear readers! Seriously though – Zuko would totally do the voices. This is also the first time in a long time that someone has read Toph a story and she enjoys it and squishes on the couch with him. Because she's Toph and she can climb all over whoever she wants.
Sokka feels a bit awkward about having to go all big brotherly on Zuko. I think they are best mates really. Sokka thinks an activity like sparring will make the conversation less awkward. Fail whale for Sokka. Zuko may have said – she is not my girlfriend- in that stroppy way he does. What did Sokka say that makes Zuko drop his swords in surprise- I'll let you use your imagination. It would have had something to do with Zuko and Katara and everything Sokka thinks they are getting up to.
Slicing Zuko's arm open was an accident – but sort of further re-inforced the big brother point. I also realised that every time I have the boys spar – Sokka gets in a lucky hit and Zuko ends up bleeding/clobbered and swearing. I didn't want to break tradition now. Slicing Zuko's arm open also gives Katara another opportunity to heal him *cough*demand he take his shirt off *cough*. I think Katara is a bit in two minds about Zuko. She is starting to acknowledge to herself that she might like him, but she also sees a myriad of problems and consequences that will result from acting on this. So she hopes vainly that this good indigestion feeling will go away and that her more sensible hand will take over.
I know lots of people wanted to have a big brother moment for Sokka and I hope I didn't disappoint! I umed and ahhed a little bit about this. I think that Sokka and Katara have the most lovely and realistic sibling bond I've seen on tv in ages. They get along really well. They love and respect each other but also tease and fight with each other but at the end of the day- they are always there for each other. Sokka would be in two minds about the Zuko/Katara thing. Mind one is :she's my baby sister and if you mess with her I'm going to chop you into little pieces with boomerang. Mind two: Zuko's his best mate and very reliable to have around in a tight situation. Sokka would be glad that Katara would have someone like Zuko around to look out for her, especially in their current war-fighting situation.
So I don't think he would come down on Zuko like a sack of sand.
I've read a few fics where Sokka does this and I am always perplexed by it. Unless Zuko has done something terrible to Katara in fic, it doesn't make that much sense. Whenever one of my siblings has a new person, we all try to get to know them first (and tease the other sibling a fair bit). But seriously, it would only be if the new person was bad news that I would come down on them like a sack of sand. But I am an older sister, not an older brother. In all honesty, Zuko is a good guy and Sokka knows this and I think Sokka might be a little relieved that Katara has someone like Zuko around instead of a superficially charming but unreliable Jet-wannabe.
He also make the comment that he would want Zuko to look out for her, if anything should happen to him. This is not to be morbid. I just think the boys have a more realistic grasp of their situation. Neither of them are blind optimists after all. The gaang are at war and I think the others (except for maybe Suki) try not to think about the possibility of any of them dying. Sokka and Zuko on the other hand, both realize that it is possible that some of them are not going to make it.
They have declared their best-friendyness in an awkward fashion. (Of course Zuko wants to hug it out.) but then they have to reassert their manliness with inelegant struggling.
Love Amongst the Dragons is very melodramatic and ridiculous and Zuko loves it! Katara is engrossed in it, but knows it is ridiculous. She has the guilty pleasure that you get out of soap operas when she reads it. When she rants about how lame it is- Zuko does the shifty eyes and says yeah- it's totally lame. But she discovers his secret, because she's so wily. She teases him (of course – but in a sweet way.) I think for Zuko, while Sokka is his best mate, Katara is his favourite person. If that makes sense at all. She's his favourite person and he's always going to fess up to her eventually.
Katara rants at Aang about cleaning his room. I can just see her doing it. Okay. She also opens the cupboard of crazy evil because I needed a way to segue into family fun with Ozai. Judge away. So she discovers the crazy-evil, but keeps it on the downlow and gets Zuko to see what he thinks they should do. It is his crazy evil dad's stuff after all and she knows he's a private person about this sort of thing.
I have actually written out a fair bit of Ozai's teaching Azula how to be a psycho journal. But it ended up quite dark and didn't fit this chapter. I am in two minds about publishing it as a companion piece. It's a bit heavy but it does give us more insight into family fun with Ozai. As it is, I cut most of it out of this chapter and just left us two segments that include little Zuko. Because I find little Zuko adorable. He saves Ty Lee from flying stomachs, he plays the tsungi horn for Azula to cheer her up. Bless his cotton socks.
I have a small rant about Ozai. He's just so two dimensionally evil. I wanted some layers to him. Azula had so many layers (but she was an onion – not a parfait). What drives Ozai? Aside from crazy evil? It still eludes me actually. I have come to the conclusion that he was just a little bit nuts. I think he would have been ultra paranoid and kept files on everyone. The guy takes the slightest affront to his authority VERY seriously and that to me says he is not entirely confident in his authority to begin with. I think Ozai, like Azula, felt that fear was a more reliable way than love to get loyalty. I think he hated Iroh and probably Lu Ten as well, had exceptionally mixed feelings about Ursa and resents Zuko. (you just know Zuko was getting more snuggles and love from Ursa that Ozai did). I think Ozai didn't see those around him quite as people, more like pai sho pieces to be moved against each other. That's why he doesn't name anyone in his record of the lessons.
I also think that at one point, when they were younger, Iroh beat the pants of him in an agni kai. This humilated Ozai and he still resents it to this day – even though Iroh was probably trying to teach him a very valuable lesson about humility etc and let him go unscathed. I wanted something to support Zuko's claim is Sozin's Comet that Iroh was the only other person who could beat Ozai (aside from Zuko's Uncle worship). So I have Katara and Zuko find a mercy upon conditions form – that Ozai kept to remind himself of his shame.
I think that kids don't get the way that Azula is in 'Zuko Alone' without a fair bit of help getting that way. So to me, it makes sense that some of Azula's 'special bending' classes would have been in people bending. Ozai would have taught her all he knew about manipulation and encouraged her when she emulated him. He would have used her as a pawn in his various personal vendettas against family members- knowing it would be more difficult for them to suspect/be furious at a six year old. Kids are sponges – they pick up what examples they are given and Azula would have lapped up this one on one attention from her dad. Azula in her own way, also wants affection and she would have learned that the best way to get this from Ozai is by constantly engaging in petty cruelties. I think she would have had flashes of guilt over these and felt bad if she ever really succeeded in hurting either Zuko or Ty Lee. But at the same time, she feels so singled out and special when her dad gives her this one-on-one attention, that she continues down the dark path. I think Azula always wanted this one on one attention from her mother – but she always had to share her mother with Zuko.
I think Ursa was of a different school of thought and tried her best not to play favourites with the kids. I do think she loved them equally, but she liked Zuko more and found him much easier to deal with. I always wondered where Azula got the idea that her mother thought she was a monster from and so I threw it in here. Ursa said it in a fit of frustration with Ozai (after a summer of special lessons) and Azula overheard and never forgot. This comment would have further re-inforced some of the things Ozai would have been telling her and she would have been more willing to completely engage in special lessons.
I think Ursa didn't want her children divided and pitted against each other. She would have encouraged the kids to play together etc (this is one of the things Azula says to her mother in Zuko alone and it works a charm). I think Ursa would have told Zuko, when he was younger, that he needed to be a good older brother to his sister, set a good example etc. and I think a part of Zuko always believes that, even in spite of everything that has happened since. He, like Sokka, is a realist and knows that Azula is too far gone now and if they ever meet again, one of them is not walking away from it. At the same time he really wishes it didn't have to be this way. I think he doesn't want to have to kill her at all, he certainly doesn't want her to kill him, but he can't quite see a way around this. It's all just a big old mess.
Zuko's a bit thrown by the cupboard of crazy evil. He wants to burn it all and forget about Ozai and his crazy evil and his messed up childhood. I think he can't articulate all his various feelings about his childhood etc very well and that's why he goes a bit quiet in this. Katara, coming from her background as a member of a very functional and loving family, can't quite get her head around how messed up everything was in the fire nation royal family. She wants to snuggle it all better and she gets a bit ranty and defensive when Zuko mentions the possibility that Azula could kill him. She's a bit protective of her idiot after all. Bless her cotton socks.
YMMV on everything lovely readers!
next chapter the Gaang will go see a delightful theatrical play called 'boy in the iceberg'. shenanigans will abound!
til then lovely readers...
Edited to Add: notes on a daughter is now posted for anyone who wants to read Ozai's crazy.