Chapter Twenty. Defending…Good Times

I had no idea what to name this chapter, so there's the random title that sort of makes sense.

One morning Ike and Soren were discussing plans in Ike's tent when Titania entered the room and said, "Good morning, you two. Ike? Are you all right? You look so sleepy!"

Ike replied, "I've...had a lot on my mind. I meant to sleep last night, but I was up thinking. Before I knew it, it was morning."

"Wow. Ike thinking? I wonder if Soren will start being polite?" Titania wondered out loud.

"Well, Titania. I had no idea that you wanted to see the day when I would start talking politely." Soren started saying, "Would you like a drink and then demand that everyone start admiring your beautiful radiant red hair?"

Ike just about had a heart attack: "Hack! Cough! Uh………OHMYGOSHOMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SOREN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT HAST THOU DONE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! WHAT HAST THOU DONE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Ike continued shrieking and even Titania looked a bit shocked, but then both she and Soren rolled their eyes when Ike started tap-dancing.

"Oh my gosh…" Titania put her hand on her forehead. "Ever since Ike learned to walk he would always attempt to tap-dance. We all thought he was adorable until shortly after he turned eleven years old. And stupid Mist would always scream a lot even before she learned to talk. I blame it on the fact that Greil always had the tendency to try to impersonate a whooping crane…"

"…Do you have any idea why Mist is so fascinated with clucking chickens?" Soren asked her.

"Yes, Ike would always tell her the ghost story about some zombie from Daein would be afraid of the sound of chickens."

Just then Ike stopped tap-dancing. "Whew! Soren, it's a good thing we know each other well, other wise I would be tap-dancing a very long time!"

And then Mist came charging into the tent, "BROTHER OH MY GODDESS MY MEDALIAN'S GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Ike shouted.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Titania yelled.

"Titania, how do you know…whatever!" Ike quickly shut his mouth.

"IKE OH MY GOSH MY MOMENTO OF MOM IS GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Mist screamed.

"WELL, RETRACE YOUR STEPS OR SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike thundered.

"NO!!!!!!!!! I KNOW THAT MY MEDALIAN WAS ON MY BEDSIDE TABLE AND THEN IT DISSAPEARED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE'S ROLF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Mist replied, starting to cry.

"Well, Mist…it's not your fault." said Ike.

"…But…but…"

"STOP CRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE JUST LIKE FREDERICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike was pissed and he stormed out of the tent.

Titania and Mist then left and Soren found himself alone in the tent. So then he decided to go and find one of the other three Branded or something.

After a few hours, the army left to go do some more invading and pillaging. Ulki then said, "Ike."

"What is it, Ulki?"

"I hear the sound of rushing water just ahead. A lot of it."

"Rushing water?"

Soren then said, "According to the map, there's a large river up ahead."

"That must be what you hear." said Ike.

But Ulki refused to believe him, "This is unnatural. Warped. It is not the sound of a normal river..."

Then a soldier came. "General Ike! Sir, we've got trouble! The road ahead is blocked by water!"

Then Stupid Princess Elincia asked them, "What? How can that be?"

The soldier replied, "Perhaps a local river has flooded. The whole region is soaking wet."

Ike asked him, "Is the road completely impassable?"

"No, sir! We can move forward, but the water's turned the ground to mud. And the water is still flowing at a tremendous rate, sir! This is going to cut back our speed dramatically."

Then Soren said, "This is the work of Daein. They thought to impede our progress in order to gain some time for themselves. And they've succeeded.

"Blast! Is there nothing we can do?" Titania wondered.

Soren replied, "Well... If they were able to flood the road only when we approached, there must be floodgates in the area.

So Ike then said, "So if we can close them, we'll shut off the flow of water, right? That makes sense. Let's get some scouts looking for gates.

Janaff overheard their conversation, "What's that? Hey, if you're looking for something, leave it to me. I AM the hawk king's eyes, after all!"

"What do you mean?" Ike stupidly asked him.

Janaff replied, "These peepers of mine can see for miles and miles. They're quite handy. It would be a shame not to use them.

"Is that some laguz power? You're a hawk with the eyes of a...hawk?"

"It beats your fantastic wit! My eyesight isn't a racial ability, it's

just my own natural talent. Heck, my pal Ulki has ears that can hear

grass growing on the other side of the country."

"I see. Well then, the job's yours. Do you think you can find the floodgates?"

"I just look for some openings with a lot of water pouring out, right? Yeah, I can handle that!"

When the army was approaching a town, they saw the floodgates. "Those are the floodgates!" Janaff pointed at the floodgates that were on the other side of the town.

"If we can close them, the water will recede in about twelve hours our so." said Soren.

"All right, let's get going!" said Ike.

"Right then! I'm ready to kill some shitheads!" exclaimed Lenora as she drew her totally awesome water sword.

"Hah! So am I!" said Gareth as he nocked his bow, ready to shoot the first enemy he saw. Mia, Stefan and Soren were with the two and the five of them went to the left where there were a bunch of wyvern riders.

Meanwhile, Rolf was suddenly screaming, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GOSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT THE HELL HAVE THEY DONE TO YOUR FACE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

Mist started to weep, "Ike, Boyd, Marcia, and Janaff did this… They stuffed me into a barrel full of beer just before the battle and then they used these permanent markers to draw all these rubber chickens on my face! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!" Mist embraced Rolf.

"Oh my gosh!!!!!!!" Rolf yelled in shock before fainting.

"Oh, no!" Mist exclaimed.

Ike saw this happen and he simply slapped his forehead, "Mist, you're such a damn moron…"

Mist then became angry and then she completely and totally snapped, "DAMN YOU, IKE FOR BEING SUCH A DAMN STUPID FUCKED-UP FAGGOTY SHITTY DAMN CHICKEN LOVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'LL TAKE THAT STUPID CHICKEN OF YOURS AND EAT ITS HEART OUT AND TEAR ITS FILTHY INNARDS OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH MY GODDESS ASHERA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SAVE FREDERICK FROM MY HOMICIDAL STUPID LITTLE SISTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Ike screamed like there was no tomorrow as Mist started chasing him around the town trying to kill him…or at least thwack him on the head…or cut a lock of his hair off and feed it to her pet toad!

Meanwhile, Kieran and Boyd winked at each other and they both took out a bottle of mead and uncorked it. "Well Boyd, time for us to liquor ourselves up!"

"True that, Kieran!" Boyd replied as he and Kieran both started drinking.

"BOYD! KIERAN!" Titania boomed, "YOU TWO MORONS STOP DRINKING WHILE IN A BATTLE, RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Aaaahhhhomygosh!!!!!!!!!" Boyd cowered and threw his bottle of mead as far as he could. It hit Lethe on the back of her head.

"AH!!! What the hell?!" Lethe yelled.

Boyd and Kieran just sat there, and Titania continued to glare at them. "Dude!" Boyd nudged Kieran on the shoulder.

"Oh!" Kieran replied and also threw his bottle of alchohol. And that one also hit Lethe as well.

She then shouted, "OKAY THAT'S IT!!!!!!!! WHO THE FUCK IS THROWING BEER BOTTLES AT ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!" Lethe saw Shinon and glared at him.

"Don't look at me!" Shinon replied.

"Hey Titania, can we go, now?" Boyd asked her.

"…Fine." Titania replied and she rode into battle to help Ike, Calill, Oscar, and Ulki. Boyd and Kieran got up and then they both got out a bottle of champagne and started chugging it down. Shinon and Gatrie both saw this and decided to join in by getting out a bottle of beer.

Meanwhile; Lenora, Gareth, Soren, Stefan, and Mia were killing enemies where a cabin was nearby and then suddenly a bunch of reinforcements of wyvern riders came flying towards them. "Ohmygosh!" Mia yelled in surprise.

"Get into this house!" Stefan yelled at them. And so the five fighting comrades rushed into an unlocked house.

They found themselves in a house where an old man started yelling at them, "You! You filthy Crimeans! Get out! There's nothing here that you bandits would want!" he started waving an awesome and powerful and expensive-looking staff at them. The 'visitors' just stood there awkwardly. When he realized that waving the staff at them wouldn't work, he suddenly started screaming the weirdest gibberish ever: "I SEE WEIRD TALKING TABLES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SEE A BANANAMELONSTRAWBERRYBARBECUEDTATERTOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SEE A RUBBER CHICKEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ANDOHMYGOSHGUESSHOWCHICKENSEATCOWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND VERY SOON I'M GOING TO SPAZZ OUT AND START BELLY-DANCING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Uh…we get the point…" Lenora said. After all the insanity they were around, the members of the Crimean Liberation Army were pretty much immune to this person's futile attempts to scare them out.

Then Mia said, "Oh, for goodness sakes, give me that damn staff and we'll spare your life!" She then went over and grabbed the staff from him.

"AH!!!!!!! HOOLIGANS!!!!!!!!!!!!! UTTER HOOLIGANS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Oh, we most definitely are getting the freaking crap out of here, you stupid annoying geezer!" Mia yelled as she and her friends all stormed out of the house. And the wyvern riders were just outside of the house waiting for them. Aw…how sweet of them!

"Oh…" Gareth simply gawked.

"What the bloody hell are we going to do now? Die?" Mia asked.

"YES!!!!!!!!!!" Sharky came from behind the house, "PLEASE DIE, CAJUN SEAFOOD BANDIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN FINALLY BE REUNITED WITH THE WONDERFULL BEAUTIFULL EXQUISITE TASTE OF CAJUN SEAFOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY BELOVED GOURMET CAJUN SEAFOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY SLIGHTLY SPICY, SOMEWHAT DICY, GLORIOUS HEART-WARMING GORGEOUS MOUTH-WATERING EXCELLENT WONDEROUS BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BANANA BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH CAJUN SEAFOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Aw…Sharky… I feel sorry for you…but I'm not about to die!" Mia was determined.

"So…how exactly are we going to survive?" Soren asked.

"Fight! Fight! And Fight!" Lenora whooped as she immediately started to cut down the nearest enemy. And so they all broke into a gigantic frenzy which Janaff, Ike, Sothe, Calill, and a bunch more Daein soldiers joined. Then before they knew it, all the enemies were defeated and nobody died! Oh my gosh!

"And I didn't have to use Frederick's help today!" Ike proudly shouted.

"HUZZAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" everyone roared, especially Titania. Heck, even Ulki didn't mind the loud yelling.

Then a Begnion soldier came up to Ike and said, "General Ike, sir! All of the floodgates have been closed!"

"Great! Soren, tell me the damage so far!" Ike cheerfully shouted in Soren's ear.

"Ah! Don't do that again! And why do you expect me to know everything?"

"Because you do know everything!" Ike stared into Soren's eyes.

Soren pushed him back, "Ugh, stop acting like Tanas."

"OH MY GODDESS, SOREN!!!!!!!!!! DO NOT REMIND ME OF THAT FUCKED-UP CREEP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Now tell me the damage done to these lands, tactician! Otherwise I'll have Rolf replace you!"

"Let me think…Ah, yes, the crops were destroyed. Genius, maybe if you didn't provoke Mist so much you would've been able to save more of the farmland and villages." Soren smartly replied.

"You know, that enemy general didn't seem to be too happy about the floodgates being opened either." said Titania.

"Well in this case, let's donate food, water, and money!" Stupid Princess Elincia suggested.

"Elincia!" Ike yelled, "I like the sound of your plan! But there's only one flaw in your plan!"

"Huh?! And what is that?"

"They've already got a lot of water, you dolt head!"

"Oh!" Elincia blushed blood red.

"Don't worry, Elincia. You're fine." Rhys encouraged.

"Thanks, Rhys!" Elincia replied.

"Ike, Elincia, this is a bad idea." said Soren.

"And why is that, Soren?" Ike asked him.

"We need all the junk we can hoard up! We can't go wasting our stuff!"

"I don't care! We're donating!" Ike declared.

"…Idiocy…" mumbled Soren.

"Hey, Ike!" shouted Marcia.

"Yes, Marcia?"

"Guess what?"

"What, chickenbutt?"

"No, this is what: Soren and I made a deal that you and I have to kiss!" Marcia replied. Ike's eyes, widened, and he gasped, and gasped for a long time. Then he panicked and chucked a random frying pot at Lethe.

"YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Lethe thundered at Ike, "IT WAS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU WERE THE ONE WHO WAS THROWING BEER BOTTLES AT ME EARLIER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WEREN'T YOU?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Ike screamed. Scratch! Slash! Bite! Ike was totally shanked by Lethe and he passed out.

"LETHE!!!!!!!!" Marcia shouted, "DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!! I NEARLY HAD IKE IN MY ARMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What are you going to do about it? I'm so much stronger than you, you know." Lethe replied coolly.

"Well-um-well-um…paperclip…" Marcia stupidly replied.

"For Ashera's sake, what the bloody hell is a paperclip?!" Lenora yelled.