(One more chapter after this one.. Please enjoy.)
Far Away
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
(Present)
"Toby."
"Sir."
"Do you know how much I hate that?"
"What's that Sir?"
"Nine months you'd think I'd be used to it." He clicked his cheek. "My friends feeling it necessary to call me Sir."
"You're the President of the United States." Toby said incredulously.
"Am I? Well hell that explains a lot." He thumbed across the papers on his desk, looking up to see CJ slipping through the door.
"Sam."
"That's why all these people keep asking me for stuff. It explains all the guys in black suits. I thought that was a little weird."
"Sam."
"Just say yes and get it over with." He told him. CJ sighed, catching his attention. "Before Ms. Gregg changes her mind."
"CJ's-?" Sam glanced at his COS, she'd turned towards her office.
"No. She hasn't." Sam exhaled loudly, looking up as Margaret opened the door and looked at him meaningfully. "Listen.. It's time for Staff. Why don't you listen in?" He hit speaker as the group filed in.
"Are you a complete nutcase? Honestly Sam I have serious doubts about your sanity.."
"Actually.. Now it would probably be better to go with Sir." Sam smirked.
"You put me on-?"
"I did."
"Yeah okay.." Toby sighed.
Ahem.."
"Sir." Toby added with irritation.
"Good.. Now everyone is familiar with Mr. Ziegler?" The group nodded
"Hey Toby." The DCOS called softly.
"Charlie."
"Okay now.. What do we have?"
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait?
(Present)
"Your home." He put down his file and starred at her in disbelief
"I am. She looked past him towards their daughters rooms. "Are they asleep?"
"They are." He looked at her again. "You're home."
"Danny.."
"It's two in the afternoon." He raised his eyebrow at her.
"It's Sunday." She argued weakly.
"When has that ever-?" He snorted.
"Danny.." She rubbed her head for a second before lifting her eyes back to her husband.
"He took it?" He held his face perfectly still. She looked at him questioningly. "I was at Sr. Staff. I saw how he got into it. He wanted back in the game he was just afraid to bite."
"The President spent the whole damn afternoon on and off the phone with him. He made Toby sit in via speaker phone for every-."
"You could change your mind. Sam would let you."
"That's not the point."
"The point is it's Toby?" She turned her face towards him, her eyes diverted as she winced.
"The point is he should have never left the game." He pulled her down beside him. "I.."
"CJ."
"I ruined his life. Over and over I ruined his life and he never once held it against me." Danny pulled her head to his shoulder and exhaled slowly. "Who was I? Who the hell did I think I was?"
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
(Post Runaway Train, before the video)
"I'll be back." She whispered more to herself then to him.
"I know." He moved her hair back from her face as she leaned over the couch to kiss him. "It's okay."
"I.." She sniffed, quickly wiping the tears away from her face.
"Shh.. it's one night."
"Um.. Ana's here and um.. Toby said he'd be around later."
"Donna.. go."
"Yeah." She leaned in an kissed him soundly. "I love you."
"I love you." He whispered kissing her forehead before she pulled away.
"I'll call." She whispered moving towards the door.
"A lot." He winked at her as she left. Ana wandered into the room and sat down on across from him. "She's freaking out."
"She is." Ana Casnoff whispered. Josh watched her carefully, he eyes trained forward, reminding him of Nick. He shook the memory away.
"Thanks for staying." He told her, turning away from her absent gaze and looking at the television. "Donna's just not ready for me to be alone and staying in the East Wing screams invalid. You know?" He glanced at her, and she shot him a fake smile. Josh squirmed at the silence. "We haven't.. you know.. Really talked lately."
She looked at him like he was insane.
"Not that we've ever.. Really.." He frowned. She uncrossed her legs, tucking them underneath her. "I mean.. it's not like.. We've never been alone before, have we?"
Ana took a deep breath and let it out in a long sigh.
"Once. You weren't conscious yet." He nodded.
"I mean.. you're.. I was best man at your wedding.."
"You were." She looked back towards the window. "Josh?"
"Yeah?"
"What's the last thing you remember.. About.."
"Arguing with Nick about how he wasn't getting any and finding out poll numbers in Southern Illinois sucked." He spit out quickly not looking at her.
"So.. You don't know if he was.." She was squinting her eyes when he looked back up at her.
"If he was what? Ana?"
"Never mind."
"Ana?" She turned to look at him, taking a slow breath and smiling sadly.
"Never mind."
"Hello?" Josh listened to the door close.
"Toby." Josh called never looking away from Ana.
"I brought Pizza." He stopped short looking at Ana. "Agent Casnoff."
"Mr. Ziegler." She murmured getting up from the chair and walking towards the kitchen. Josh followed her with his eyes.
"I brought Pizza and beer. Which Donna told me on the way out that you can't have any of. So, it looks like I'll be sleeping in your guest room tonight."
Josh looked away from the door and back at Toby.
"Pizza's good."
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
(Present.)
"And he huffed and he puffed but he couldn't blow the house down." Josh looked at the babies settled in there bouncy chairs on the coffee table. "I don't really know what this is about." He told them. "I mean what's the moral here? Bricks are better? Is this some environmentalist agenda that I haven't been informed of or-."
"Joshua." Donna whapped him in the back of the head with the back of her hand as she walked by.
"What?" He squeaked. "I'm just concerned about the moral message.."
"It's that hard work pays off Josh. Don't do things half ass." She told him in irritation.
"You get that from construction worker pigs and wolves with an impossible lung capacity?"
"No." She wandered back over to him with a bottle dangling from each hand. "You get that from the building materials. Bricks cost more than sticks or straw and they take more time in construction but in the end you are left with a better product." She turned to the babies at the end cooing out her explanation to them. "Aren't you?"
They starred at her riveted.
"Come on. You guys aren't' actually buying that are you?" The twins switched there gazes to their father.
"Josh."
"I'm just saying.."
"Guys? Both of them looked up at Ana's call. She stood there with a skeptical expression on her face between Noah and Joanie. "They're babies, they like the way Josh does the pig voices." She cocked her head to the left. "And we're going to miss our plane."
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
(Post Runaway Train, before the video)
"Josh!" His face twitched for a second as his mind tried to register what was going on. "Josh! Wake up!"
"Humm?"
"Josh I need you to wake up, Man."
Then it hit him. He knew that voice. His eyes slipped open.
"Nick?"
"I need your help." Lyman blinked at him.
"Shit." He moaned rolling onto his back. "What the hell happened now?"
"You're not dead or anything, you ass! You're dreaming. I need you to wake up." Lyman blinked for a second.
"Why am I dreaming of you?"
"Josh, shut up. I need you to-." Lyman closed his eyes again. "Josh wake up. Ana's in trouble."
"Ana's asleep." Lyman mumbled. "I'm asleep. And you my friend are dead."
"Josh.. She's.. Josh I need your help.." Nick pleaded. Lyman pressed his head against the pillow before slowly sitting up. "Thank God.. Wake up Josh.."
"I'm up!" He snapped at no one as he blinked into the dark living room. He could hear her soft crying from the bathroom then. "Ana.." He called from the couch.
All that answered him was a loud crash and more crying.
"Ana?" He looked quickly towards his wheel chair. It wasn't there. He moved his eyes around the room and spotted it by the door. Too far away for him to do a damn thing about what ever was happening in the other room.
"I'm sorry.. I'm so so sorry.." He heard her whisper to no one. "I tried but I can't.. I can't.."
"Toby!" Josh yelled loudly towards the guest room. "TOBY!" He picked up an empty beer can from the coffee table and winged it at the door. "Toby get the hell out here!"
"What the hell.." Ziegler muttered opening the door.
"Help her." Josh yelled frantically pointing to the other side of the house. Ziegler looked confused for a minute until he heard her.
"Shit." He muttered hurrying past Josh and down the hall way.
She was kneeling in front of the bathtub when he found her, the contents of Nick's dob-kit dumped in front of her, flat razor in her hand and tiny cuts across her fingers. She touched it again and he watched the line of red form over the spot.
"I.. I'm sorry.." She whispered frantically. He could smell the alcohol from the door as he lunged forward and caught her wrist in hers. "I can't I can't do this anymore." She yelled at him, her tear soaked face spinning around to meet his. "I.. I killed him. I .." Toby plucked the razor from her hand and dropped it into the bathtub, moving his thumbs over her pink wrists just to be sure before he grabbed her off the floor and carried her back out into the living room.
"Jesus." Josh muttered. Pulling off his T-shirt and wrapping it around her bloody hands as Toby dropped her onto his lap and headed for the front door.
"We need an ambulance." He announced to the Agent at the door. The man charged into the room assessing the woman huddled on Josh's lap.
"I killed him.." She whispered frantically. "I killed him…"
It would be months before Josh Lyman would know what that meant.
On my knees, I'll ask (Present)
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
"So.."
"Ainsley."
"I just hope you've really thought it though."
"I have."
"He bullies you."
"I'm the President of the United States. I can't be bullied." He raised his eyebrows at her. "It's against the law."
"You two have some big brother little brother dynamic and he bullies you. He's always bullied you."
"I can handle him. I've always handled him." Sam rolled over and faced his wife. "I thought you liked him."
"I do."
"So you wait until three am the night before I formally offer him the job and he formally accepts before you tell me he's not the guy?"
"Josh is the guy."
"Josh doesn't want to be the guy Ainsley." He sighed. "Charlie doesn't want to be the guy. Elise isn't ready to be the.. gal. Toby is the next logical person here."
"You could have gone outside of the Bartlett Box Car gang."
"No. I couldn't have." He whispered.
"No you couldn't have." She sighed.
"Ainsley?"
"He betrayed Jed Bartlett." She whispered softly into the dark. Sam found her hand, wrapping it in his.
"Jed Bartlett betrayed him first."
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
(Between How we got her and Getting back here.)
(Previously)"I think I should resign after reelection.."
Donna held her breath and waited for him to continue. He didn't.
"Josh?"
"Just.. I'm tired Donna. We'll… talk about it some other-."
"No way." She said sharply pushing on his shoulder until he propped himself up beside her. "You don't get to say something like that and then-."
"I'm tired Donna, of missing important things like doctors appointments and birthday parties-."
"Josh Lyman you did not miss your son's birthday party. You took a phone call. A five minute-."
"I missed enough. I missed enough for him to notice."
"He just noticed Josh he didn't care."
"No he didn't, because it's an everyday occurrence Donnatella.."
"It is not."
"What if something had happened today?" He snapped. "Or tomorrow or the next day and I can't be there for you because I have to hold Santos' hand while he makes some meaningless decision about which heads of state to call first when calling heads of state to invite them to irrelevant meaningless decision making summits where no decisions are ever made!" She pressed her hand into his chest, stroking her thumb across it until his breathing slowed down and he collapsed back against his pillow, cupping his hand over hers.
"That was a long time coming." Donna whispered softly.
"Yeah." He rubbed his face for a second. "He can't do anything without looking at every single option available and plotting out how each one could possibly play out.."
"That's what makes him good at his job Josh."
"It's.. I'm already four steps a head of him by the time he's ready to make a decision."
"That's what makes you good at yours." He silently absorbed her words.
"It was a meeting about Kumar." He whispered softly, her eyebrows wrinkled in confusion but she stayed quiet. "I'd told him he was being to careful that he was…" He took a staggered breath. "And we'd gone back and forth all day. He just wouldn't make a move. I just wanted him to make a move.." Slowly it dawned on her what day he was referring to. The day she'd lost the baby. "If he'd had just.."
"It wouldn't have made a difference.." She said softly , tears rolling slowly off the sides of her face as he pressed her hand harder against his chest.
"Donna you almost bled to death.."
"I didn't."
"If I would have been there when I said I was going to-."
"Deanna found me Josh. I didn't-."
"But you could have." He whispered. "Too close.." She listened to him sniff back his own tears before his hand came up and smoothed hers away. "We've had way to many close calls."
"He needs you Josh." She told him softly.
"Not after reelection. Sam could-."
"Joshua."
"What if I was wrong?"
"About what?"
"About him.."
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
(Present)
He watched her walking the perimeter of the area set up in the rose garden for the press announcement. He hadn't talked to her in six weeks. Since that late night phone call at Josh's house. Since he'd told her that they never talked about it. In a voice that informed her they never would.
She caught him watching, looking away quickly.
"She misses you as much as you miss her." Toby jumped, turning slowly as he recovered to face Danny Concannon. "She's decided it's all her fault your life's been in shambles."
"I wouldn't say shambles."
"Really ? She did." He raised his eyebrows. "No. Wait. She said ruined. In fact she said ruined over and over again."
"Danny as much as I love these bizarre little chats of ours.."
"I just thought you should know she misses you too." He said walking slowly away.
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
(Present)
"It's going to start soon." She whispered watching him gaze out the window.
"Give her another minute." She watched Ana run her hand over the top of the headstone.
"Do you want me to go with you?" She asked breathlessly, trying not to put herself in Ana's place. It was just so easy.
"No. I need to talk to him alone." Josh told her in a barely audible voice. He watched Ana back up slowly, wiping her eyes as she came up the walk back to the car, opening the door for Josh.
"How'd he take it?" Josh teased winking at her softly. She smiled in embarrassment before rolling her eyes at him.
"Do you need the chair?" She asked her cheeks still pink around the edges.
"No." He pulled himself up, steadying against the car door before making his way down the slope to Nick's headstone. He glanced back at the car, Donna had her arms wrapped around Ana, and her eyes on him. He smiled at her before turning his attention to what he came for.
"So.. I guess Ana told you about the new guy huh?" He shuffled his feet a little, shoving his hands into his pockets. " He's completely the opposite of you." Josh snickered for a second. "I had nothing to do about it. I swear to god. We're going to miss her though. Donna says it's all the more reason for her to go to Georgetown. I think she's actually thinking we should get an apartment while we're here. That's.. unexpected. It's only been a year. She said something about reelection. I have to say part of me..
"I.. I didn't come here to chat about politics." He took a few steps back, lowering himself onto the bench at the foot of the grave, suddenly thankful it was there. You.. I forgot to tell you something." He lowered his eyes to his hands. "I forgot to thank you.. But that's a given. And hey. I still got shot.. So.. Thank you isn't really appropriate for that kind of thing is it?
"I'm just saying.." He took a deep breath. "I don't have a lot of friends." He blurted out dramatically. "I have like five real ones and I never really even get to see them. I saw you everyday.
"Now I love Sam like a brother, so I can't really have him give up his title or anything but.. I forgot to tell you.." He stood back up and paced forward again. "I forgot to tell you that you were..
"You're a good friend. Not such a great human shield.." Josh gestured to his head with his pointer finger. "But you were a really good friend. I miss you. I honestly… Two years later and I'm still surprised not to hear your damn voice at the door every morning. You were a good friend and I just wanted you to know that. " He pulled a rock from his pocket, setting it on the edge of the granite stone, patting it once and starting up the hill.
So far away
Been far away for far too long So far away Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
(Present)
"Okay stop." Toby muttered. " You're lurking is making me nervous."
She sighed and sunk into one of the chairs behind him.
"I don't know what to say."
"My life isn't ruined." He told her with a huffy sigh. She recognized that sigh. It was an indigent sigh of a man trying not to say what he really meant.
"I.. didn't mean."
"Yes you did." He looked at his hands. "When I got out? I had this whole speech planned. I was going to apologize to you. I was going to try to figure out a way to explain how I had betrayed him…" She starred at the back of his head. "But you didn't care and we didn't talk about it. You packed your things and I drove you to the airport and we never went any deeper than that."
She waited for him to continue, smoothing the pads of her fingers over her immaculately manicured nails.
"Then you said 'come to California we'll write a book' and I came to California and we were supposed to talk it out. How I'd betrayed my marriage for you. How we'd never really talked about how we were never together again once we got into the White House .. But we didn't. We wrote a book and talked about our political past and then in New Hampshire after Bartlett was recovering from his crisis Josh said 'Come back to Washington and help me get Sam elected' and you and I stayed up all night at the farm talking strategy and the effects of putting our lives on hold again. Only our lives were never on hold long enough to talk about it. Then as usual, when you were afraid that you weren't enough for Danny you came right back to my door because you knew that you were too good for me.."
"Toby.."
"And we still didn't talk about it." He held up his hand to her, turning around to face her for the first time. "I'm going to talk about it."
"I betrayed my wife, but I couldn't betray you. I betrayed the President, but I couldn't betray you. I love you Claudia Jean. I always have. "
She froze for a second wondering what she was supposed to say to that.
"I know you love me. Differently, but you love me. I can't be your fall back guy anymore CJ. I can't be the one you run to when you want someone to love you." He looked up for a second. "I'd like my best friend back though."
She watched his hand reach out and take hers gingerly from her lap, raising an expectant eyebrow at her.
"Me too." She said softly.
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
(The week Toby spent in NH)
"Toby?" She said his name unsurely, like perhaps she'd gotten it wrong. His eyes lifted to the door.
"Ana."
"I was just going to turn on the game, will it bother you?"
"You like baseball?"
"I love baseball." She said empathically, flopping down on the couch. "You?"
"I'm from New York." He said indigently shaking his head back and forth.
"So Yankee's or Mets?" She raised an eyebrow.
"Umm, Yankee's." He blinked at her like she was a moron. A slow grin spread across her face. "You?"
"I'm from St. Louis." She told him like that explained everything.
"Don't tell me…"
"Okay fine. I'll show you." She shrugged, lifting her leg onto the armrest of the couch and pulling up her pant leg to reveal a bat with a small red bird sitting across it.
"Wow." He arched and eyebrow. "That's serious."
"We take our Red Birds pretty damn seriously." She grinned. "We do have one thing in common.." He tilted his head to the left. "I'm not a fan of the Sox either."
"Are you going to turn it on? I'd like to watch your pigions loose to the Padres." He told her gesturing madly towards the TV.
"You'll eat that."
"Pujols can't carry the whole team on his bat."
"Are you kidding me? Have you not heard of Chris Carpenter? Scott Rolan? Jimmy freaking Edmunds?"
"Isn't he the guy who hit his head?" He asked playfully.
"You know damn well who he is." She grinned.
"Seriously? Post concussion syndrome. Who made that up?" He grinned back at her.
"Did you see the fall?" She challenged.
"He's lucky to still have an intact spine." Toby told her flatly. "He shouldn't have gotten up."
"That's what I said." She told him excitedly shaking her head back and forth. "But he'll be fine. He always is."
"Here he's getting traded."
"Shh! Don't say it out loud. He'll hear you." She pointed at the screen as they took the field.
"So. He doesn't know?"
"He's not going anywhere. They say that every year." She told him in an unsure voice. He moved from his chair and sat beside her on the couch.
"They say the same thing about Joe Torre." He told her leaning back and stretching his arm across the back of couch. She smiled at him for a long time before snapping back to the game as the Cardinal's short stop came up to bat.
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
(Still in NH)
"Georgetown?"
"We'd be there for Sam. For the campaign. You know you'll be spending that whole year in DC anyway." She was almost begging.
"I didn't know you were so unhappy here."
"Don't start."
"What? You're practically pleading with me to move back to-."
"Joshua Lyman I'm not pleading with anyone to do anything. I love it here. I don't want to sell the farm. I don't want to get back into politics. I'd like to finish college. Maybe go to law school. Prove wrong anyone who ever said-."
"You don't need a college education to prove anything to anyone-."
"I need it for me." She whispered. "Josh I need it for me."
He sat silently for a moment before reaching over and brushing his fingers through her hair.
"Okay."
"I'm not saying we have to pack up and-."
"I said okay."
"Are you mad?"
"Mad?"
"I.. we don't have to.."
"Donna if you want to go to Georgetown we'll move back." He lifted his eyes up to hers. "No more DC though. No more politics."
"None." She whispered as the baby monitor emitted a high pitched cry. "Is it that time already?"
Josh looked at his watch.
"Just Nicholas."
"Tell me why we put them on an alternating schedule?" She moaned slipping out of bed and walking to the nursery.
"You said it promoted better bonding. Individuality."
"I'm an idiot." She called.
"I'll take AJ. Feed Nick and go to bed." He called getting up and putting on his robe.
"I knew I married your Daddy for a reason." She muttered over the baby monitor. He smiled, making his way to the den.
He could hear the TV. Post Playoff Game. He grinned. The Mets were going to win this thing, he thought moving around the corner.
"Shit." He muttered watching Toby and Ana break their faces apart clumsily, Ana grabbing at the sides of her shirt and starting to re-button it.. "I."
"Hi Josh." Toby muttered as Ana's hand came up and wiped the lipstick from his neck.
Josh looked at Ana.
"You'd think after the last time we would have created a signal or something." He told her awkwardly backing up towards the hall. "Umm.. Did the Mets win?" Ana nodded. "Good.. Um.. Carry on."
He pressed his lips together to keep from laughing as he made his way back down the hall to tell Donna.
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
(Present)
"If you're joking that's just cruel." The president tilted his head back and looked at his best friend.
"Sam I said it was a possibility." Josh shook his head. "I shouldn't have even brought it up."
"What would you do?" He asked handing Lyman a drink and sitting down on the couch.
"Teach a class or two at William and Mary." He shrugged, taking a slow sip of the scotch.
"Not Georgetown?"
"Defiantly not Georgetown." He shook his head.
"And Donna?"
"She'll be at Georgetown."
"Really?" Sam turned his head.
"You sound surprised."
"It's not like she needs it."
"No she wants it." Lyman smiled a little. "It's important to her."
"Law school?"
"Probably eventually."
"Sounds.. Right."
"We'd just be here for school. Summers are at the farm." Josh said sternly.
"I'll take what I can get." Sam snorted, looking into his glass then back at Josh. "So.. Maybe you'll.."
"Don't say it."
"Run my reelection campaign. Oh look! I said it."
"Sam. You know, I'm starting to remember why I love New Hampshire."
"Come on you miss it."
"No. I don't."
"Honestly?"
"Not at all. I mean I miss you guys. I miss Georgetown. I miss the bar on my old street that had the great burgers. But I don't miss it."
"Wow."
"No kidding." Josh bit his lip.
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
(Present)
"Did you talk to her?" Ana whispered putting her hand on Toby's back.
"I did." He smiled at her softly. "Did you.. "
"I did."
"You're okay about it?" He tilted his head to look her in the eye.
"He would have wanted me to.." She grinned for a second. "Not necessarily with you, but-."
"Low blow." He told her with a fake wince. She kissed his cheek, lacing her hand with his.
Across the room Charlie leaned over the table and raised his eyes at Abbey Bartlett.
"Guess that explains the frequent visits to New Hampshire." He smirked.
"Guess so." Danny whispered looking at CJ.
"She's a nice girl." Abbey told them. "They've both been through a lot. It makes sense."
CJ never took her eyes off of them as he pulled her across the room and introduced her to Andi, the other woman smiled broadly before gesturing to Senator Davis who was shaking Toby's hand.
Danny reached for his wife's hand and squeezed it firmly. She blinked back at him.
"This is.. He deserves this." She told him softly. Danny flashed her a smile before kissing her fingers.
"What's up?" Josh asked as he rejoined the table.
"We were just admiring the new couple." Abbey told him brightly. Josh followed her gaze to Toby and Ana. "We were surprised."
"Believe me when I tell you not as surprised as I was." Josh smirked at his wife picking up his glass and taking a drink.
"Where's Sam?" Ainsley asked absently.
"He got a call." Josh told her. She rolled her eyes with a grin.
"Of course." Abbey added knowingly. CJ made an involuntary move to get up when she saw Ryan enter the room, but settled back down as he marched past her table to the new Chief of Staff.
Toby turned towards him before turning back to Ana and kissing her cheek. He followed Ryan out the door as Andi moved a chair beside her and gestured for Ana to sit.
"Takes a while." Josh said softly.
CJ nodded slowly watching her best friend walk across the room and out the door.
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go