I told you it wasn't gone for good! Back by popular demand (and as a totally necessary line break in the story) is Broadcast, originally chapter 18 before the edit!
For context I have inserted the timing of the previous four chapters.
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Chapter 21: Broadcast
Ship-wide Broadcast 7:
Good morning, Enterprise. This is your captain speaking. Despite the fact that we are only seven days underway, Starfleet has seen fit to change our orders and is having us make an unscheduled stop at Starbase 098 at 0700 hours tomorrow. You may check with your commanding officer to request to disembark for the duration of our stop, but we will only be there for three hours, so keep a close eye on the clock.
Ship-wide Broadcast 9:
Afternoon. This is Captain Kirk speaking. As a reminder, Starfleet regulations prohibit animals aboard all vessels except under the following circumstances: it is a service animal; the vessel has been ordered to transport livestock; the animal is an invasive species from another planet and had to be removed from the host planet to ensure the balance of the host planet's natural ecosystem – jeez that's a mouthful – uh; it is a therapy animal confined to Med Bay or an approved area of the ship; or, a crew member has filed the appropriate paperwork to keep the animal on board.
Now, I'm not saying anyone has an unapproved animal on board. I'm not. I have not seen any evidence of this, and therefore will not take any action. Because there's no reason to take action. Because there totally isn't a ferret on board. But, I just thought I should mention – for future reference – that these are the ONLY circumstances where animals are allowed on board a Federation Starship.
Thank you for your time.
Ship-wide Broadcast: 10:
Evening. We'll be making an unscheduled pit stop at Starbase 099. We'll only be there for an hour. But, if anyone has anything they picked up from Starbase 098 – say, a ferret, perhaps – that they want to get rid of – er, drop off – that would be the time to do it.
Ship-wide Broadcast 11:
Captain Kirk speaking. We've reached Starbase 099. Now or never, people.
Ship-wide Broadcast 12:
You know in school where one kid was really loud and obnoxious and ruined recess for everyone else? I was that kid. Everyone hated me. Do not be that kid. Get rid of the ferret.
Ship-wide Broadcast 13:
Thirty minutes left. That's all I'm saying.
Ship-wide Broadcast 14:
Okay. We're leaving Starbase 099 in ten minutes. If there is still a Goddamn ferret on board this ship by then, I will throw it out of an airlock.
Ship-wide Broadcast 15:
-IF I SEE THAT THING ONE MORE TIME I SWEAR TO- Oh. Oops. Damn it, Uhura! Anyway. Hello, crew of the Enterprise. This is your captain speaking. I'm just letting everyone know that the person who catches the ferret will receive an immediate promotion.
Ship-wide Broadcast 16:
Commander Spock says I can't do that. Fine, then. The person who catches the- WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE ARE TWO OF THEM?
Ship-wide Broadcast 19:
Catch. Those. Friggin'. Ferrets. That is all.
Ship-wide Broadcast 23:
Attention, crew of the Enterprise, this is Captain Kirk speaking….
Fine. Fine. I give up. There are no ferrets on this Starship. There is not a black ferret, and it is certainly not named Enter. There is not a brown ferret, and it is certainly not named Prize. And under no circumstances are these non-existent ferrets the ship's new mascots. On an unrelated topic, all crew members with allergies to ferrets or pet dander are hereby ordered to report to Med Bay for allergy shots for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Nope. No real reason. Just feel like making that an order.
Uh, Kirk out.
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(Chapters 17-19 here, and Chapter 20 starts)
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Ship-wide Broadcast 52:
Attention, Enterprise, this is Captain Kirk… I never – not once in a year of planning for this mission! – expected this. And I have to say I am profoundly disappointed. Earlier this evening, there was an… altercation… between three crew members on deck eight. This resulted in several injuries not only for those involved in the confrontation, but a bystander as well. All of them were required to go to Med Bay for treatment. Though they have been asked several times, the crew members involved refuse to answer as to why the fight began. I would ask that, should you be privy to any information regarding this event, to come forward immediately.
If I find out that any crew member is withholding information about this incident, I will turn him or her over to suffer the wrath of Doctor McCoy. You can understand why this was particularly upsetting for him. I believe he said, I quote, "I'm here to make sure ya'll don't get killed by some weird space-" uh, never mind, I'll paraphrase, "space bull-crap. Why do you have to go and make my job harder by trying to kill each other?" I will say, he was exaggerating somewhat. It is clear from the resultant injuries that the crew members involved were trying to injure, not kill.
Ship-wide Broadcast 55:
Attention, Enterprise, this is your captain speaking. It should be clear to me by now that no one is going to come forward with information about the fight a few days ago. I'm sure you all remember my broadcast on that particular subject. I will by closing the incident report in a few hours. If anyone has anything to say, please come forward.
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Ship-wide Broadcast 74:
Okay, people. Captain Kirk here. We have a problem. It's called 'the injury count.' As of this moment we have not yet sent any crew members off the Enterprise onto an unknown, unexplored, or in-distress planet. And yet, we have an incredible number of injuries. To date the injuries include, but are not limited to: 41 strains or various kinds, 32 sprains of various kinds, 27 broken toes, 20 broken fingers, 15 cracked ribs, 7 concussions, 3 dislocated shoulders, and 1 incident with a trampoline that I didn't even know we had until I found out about the injury. I won't describe the last one since I know a few people have weak stomachs when it comes to injuries. I have a comment on that, but, out of respect for my crew, I won't say it. When I'm listing the injury count, it shouldn't sound like I'm signing the twelve Days of Christmas. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that you people need to be more careful, or you're going to give Doctor McCoy and myself an ulcer. I know you might not care about him, but come on? Me? I'm worth a little extra caution, right?
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Ship-wide Broadcast 113:
Enterprise. Pay attention. There was another fight. As you can tell by my tone – if you can't, you should go get your ears checked – I am not happy. I am royally pissed off. Same spiel as last time, the people involved won't talk, so anyone with info, please come forward. Now please excuse me while I go punch a Klingon. Or a ferret.
Kirk out.
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Ship-wide Broadcast 122:
The away mission starts in two minutes. Sulu you get your ass to the transporter room now. I swear to god if you are canoodling with that new boyfriend of yours I am gonna- Oh, there you are. Wait, NO! I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAN TO-
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(End chapter 20)
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Ship-wide Broadcast 142:
Attention, Enterprise, this is Doctor McCoy. If I may have a moment of your time. IF I CATCH THE LOW DOWN SCUM BAG THAT DECIDED IT WOULD BE OH-SO-FUNNY TOO SCREW UP THE CONTROL PANEL IN MEDBAY I SWEAR TO-
SPOCK, SPOCK, NO! I'M TRYING TO GET A POINT ACRO-
Ship-wide Broadcast 143:
Attention, crew of the Enterprise, this is Acting Captain Spock speaking. Doctor McCoy apologizes for the interruption-
No, I don't!
-and wants you to be aware of a situation that occurred in Med Bay three hours and thirty-two minutes ago.
You coulda just said three and a half hours.
As many of you are aware, the last away mission began four hours and five minutes ago. The captain decided to participate and joined the landing party. Twenty-seven minutes later-
Everyone else in the universe just rounds to the nearest five minutes, you know that?
Twenty. Seven. Minutes. Later…. The captain was beamed aboard with the rest of the away team. Captain Kirk was experiencing a severe allergic reaction to the flora on the planet and was rushed to Med Bay. The remainder of the team experienced no adverse effects. Eight minutes after Captain Kirk's entry into Med Bay, Doctor McCoy attempted to use a control panel in Med Bay to set up a constant monitoring system for medical's sole patient at the time. This failed, due to the alteration that an as of yet undiscovered crew member made. Doctor McCoy has spent the last-
Three and a half hours!
-three hours and twenty-seven minutes correcting the changes and improvising a monitoring system. I do not believe I need to emphasize how serious this matter is. Please come forward now if you wish for the punishment to be lenient.
Spock! You don't threaten to punish people to make them come for-
Transmission end.
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Ship-wide Broadcast 162:
Ferret chirrups
GAH! Goddamit Prize! Outta the chair! Move it, you furry piece of-
I'm broadcasting now? Oh. Oops.
Ferret chirrup
NO! DON'T STEP THERE!
Faint explosions
Crap.
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Ship-wide Broadcast 198:
Kirk here… And I have a very important announcement. Aw, screw the important announcement. I need to vent.
AGAIN! Are you kidding me? For the love of- WHY? Why are you doing this to me? Do you know how many people I have had to write a report on for "conduct unbecoming of an officer"? I'm trying, you know. But now that we have reached three – three! – fights between crew in seven months I cannot treat these as individual incidents anymore! You've forced my hand. I will be filing reports on all crew involved in the confrontations and opening an inquiry as to the cause of these fights. If anyone –anyone AT ALL – has been withholding information about the nature of these fights or their cause, I will disregard any disciplinary action for the individual providing the information. It doesn't matter now that you didn't come forward before, but now we need to get to the bottom of this. Please contact Doctor McCoy, Commander Spock, or myself if you wish to come forward. I urge you to do so.
Also, one of the people involved stepped on Enter. I don't like ferrets – I don't! – but stepping on animals is not cool.
Ship-wide Broadcast 203:
Attention crew of the Enterprise, this is your Captain speaking. Every person on this ship is a member of an intelligent species, correct? You should be saying "Correct" right now. Anyway, all of those intelligent species grew up on a planet. That planet formed around a star and over the course of millions of years became suitable to support life. But not only did it support life, it created it. It had the proper proportion of elements, the correct environment, was placed the correct distance away from their star so the rock wouldn't freeze or burn, etcetera. And so, life formed. A happy accident.
After that, life began to evolve. Single-celled organisms, to multi-cellular, to some form of animal. And then that animal began to evolve further. A species began to question, to wonder. That species learned. They taught their children. And then through hundreds of thousands of years, that knowledge accumulated and expanded and reached the point where that species could step onto a hunk of metal and blast themselves – insanely – out of their life-supporting atmosphere and into the cold void of space. And then they met other insane, intelligent species that could do the same exact thing. Intelligent life, jumping through space faster than light can travel. Every person on this boat comes from that. We come from what could be considered a miracle…
SO ACT LIKE IT!
Kirk out.
Ship-wide Broadcast 204:
For clarification, I mean stop fighting and acting like idiots. You're on the Starfleet flagship, damn it! Forget the evolution thing, the fact that you're on the Enterprise should be enough of a reason for you to start acting responsibly. If you don't wish to comply with this order, you may leave the ship at any time. Unfortunately, you cannot take a shuttle, so you will have to exit by airlock. Kirk out.
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Ship-wide Broadcast 222:
A tribble? A TRIBBLE? REALLY?
Or should I say "tribbles" at this point?
In any case… WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME?
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Ship-wide Broadcast 243:
Attention, Enterprise. As I'm sure you're aware, we have been experiencing localized power failure on several decks. Decks 2, 6, 9, 10, and 14 are now off-limits to all personnel, with the sole exceptions of Commander Spock, Lieutenant Chekov, and Engineer Scott and his team. If your cabin is on one of the locked decks, please check the computer for your new room assignment.
Additionally, I just saw Enter running down a hall. May I ask the general populace why he is suddenly bright blue and covered in glitter? This is a dignified ferret. He does not need the addition of sparkles. I know I don't like the dang thing… I mean, come on, it's road kill! But that just proves my point! If I can feel indignation on his behalf that means that whatever ya'll did was messed up!
Oh God, I just said ya'll, didn't I? Bones, you jerk! You're rubbing off on me!
Ship-wide Broadcast 244:
We have been boarded. I repeat, we have been boarded. Hostiles are armed and dangerous. All nonessential personnel, stay where you are. Do not interfere with the operation of the security teams.
Ship-wide Broadcast 245:
Attention, crew of the Enterprise. The threat has been neutralized. The hostiles were a raiding party sent out by the system we just left to follow us and acquire the source of our ship's power; their follow-up orders were to destroy us if they could not steal it or take it by force. They were unsuccessful; Lieutenant Chekov and Engineer Scott stymied their attacks on our core and through the valiant efforts of our security teams, the rest of the ship remained intact.
However, I regret to inform you that we lost three good men during the confrontation. If you would be so kind as to hold a moment of silence for our fallen comrades, Ensign Maria Romano, Yeoman Jessie Tan, and Ensign Alek Zu. There will be a memorial service at 1300 hours tomorrow.
Ship-wide Broadcast 246:
Exasperated sigh.
As many of you have pointed out, we also lost a ferret during the events of yesterday. Rest in peace, Enter.
Ship-wide Broadcast 247:
I blame the jerks that covered him in blue and white glitter. That probably made him more noticeable.
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Ship-wide Broadcast 300:
Happy Thanksgiving! Before we begin our feast, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you.
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Ship-wide Broadcast 351:
Attention, Enterprise, this is your captain speaking! As I am sure you're aware, in two weeks we will be celebrating the end of the first year of our five-year mission! It is also the projected date for our departure of known space. As such, I am organizing a five day Olympic-style celebration!
The group events will be a mile-long relay, capture the flag, dodge ball, roller hockey… that one is a bad idea, who came up with that? Uh, and finally, volleyball and water polo.
The individual events will be fencing, tennis, pathetic-tennis – er, excuse me – ping pong, wrestling, laser tag, hide-and-seek, boxing, freestyle swimming, the high-dive, butterfly stroke, backstroke, a one kilometer long foot race, 200 meter dash, a marathon, and beer pong. Yes, I'm serious about that last one. I needed to come up with something I could win. Sue me.
The first event takes place a week from today. You can find the sign-up log in the mess hall. Please check the required number of team members before signing up for team events. You can nominate alternates, but you have to make that clear when listing your team. All teams with the incorrect number of people will be disqualified. No crew member may be a part of more than one team for a single event.
Addendum. Spock just told me I'm not allowed to call "the Event" the Olympics. So we're calling it Field Week. Whoop-de-doo.
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Ship-wide Broadcast 363:
Attention, crew of the Enterprise, I would like to take this time to congratulate everyone on a fantastic Field Week. I am also going to list our gold-medal winners for each event. For the mile relay, Team 'FleetFeet; consisting of Carol Marcus, Hikaru Sulu, and Pavel Chekov. Uh, you know, I'm not going to list out the members of each team. You guys can look it up, if you're that interested. The members of each team are listed in the ship's computer.
The winning team for capture the flag was Team Red Shirt. Wow, what an original team name. Ow! Uhura! … Ahem. The winning team of dodge ball was Team Bad-Ass-Bridge-Crew. Go us. Roller hockey, Team Hawk-e. Volleyball, Team Sandburn. Water polo, Team Nemo.
Hikaru Sulu placed first in fencing. Emma Jin in tennis. Rodger Wilcox in ping pong. Cupcake in wrestling. Excuse me. Hendorff in wrestling.
Rob Enhood in laser tag. Jerry Maus, hide-and-seek. Tom Qat, boxing. James Moore-Yarti, freestyle swimming. Cher Lockoems, high-dive event. Mariposa Raquel, butterfly stroke. Jay Gatsbe, backstroke.
Pavel Chekov won the one kilometer race, the 200 meter dash, and the marathon. Damn. Impressive.
Last, and quite possibly least… Montgomery Scott won first in beer pong.
They're all to be congratulated.
Except for Scotty. He sucks.
Ship-wide Broadcast 364:
Attention, crew of the Enterprise! This is your Captain speaking, just giving you a quick heads up. According to preliminary readings of the unexplored sector we are about to enter, there appears to be a… a… uh, Uhura, are you sure that's how you pronounce – geez! Okay! I get it! You're sure! Ahem. According to preliminary readings of the unexplored sector we are about to enter, there appears to be a SEP-TEN-AIR-IE… Sept-en-ary. Septenary! A septenary star system, not too far from our point of entry.
For those of you who don't know, that's a system with seven stars in it. And by not too far, I mean about a week at warp nine, so we're going to get there in about a month, at the speed we will be using to survey the area. Anyway, the reason this is a heads up is because the stellar cartography department is currently flipping their-
Oh, I can't say that? Okay. The stellar cartography department is flipping out right now. Do not approach unless you have a system chart for a shield and a full cup of coffee for a sword. Seriously, I went down there this morning. PADDs were everywhere. Scans on every computer. It was a mess. Long story short, do not mess with anyone whose job has anything to do with those stars unless you feel like being attacked by a swarm of sleep-deprived zombie-astrophysicists. It now occurs to me that description applies to at least thirty percent of the people on this boat, so just pretend I didn't say anything.
Uh.
Kirk out.
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Yay! I'm so glad I get to post this again! Personally, this was one of my favorite chapters to write. I hope you enjoy (re)reading it! Although, I did make a few minor changes.
The timing of this is really appropriate, since the Olympics are actually going on right now. Hurrah, for coincidences!
What is the cause of these annoying fights, I wonder? Shall we find out more next time? Who knows? (I do!) Stay tuned to find out!