This is a love declaration to Memos from Fury. Go check it out. It's awesome.
From the desk of the Director.
To whom it may concern:
Agent Barton AKA Hawkeye is not allowed to broadcast heavy metal music over the P.A. system at seven AM.
In fact, Agent Barton is not allowed to broadcast any music over the P.A. system at any time.
...
Darcy was creeping in the hallways of the HQ, praying for coffee. It wasn't even seven in the morning, she should be in bed. But apparently, secret Agencies had very little respect for what is considered a normal sleeping schedule. The team had been up all day yesterday, fighting against giant scorpions. Why was it never like, giant puppies, or giant teddy bears? Why was it spiders, or snakes, or scorpions?
You would think evil masterminds would have some originality. But no. Always the same things over, and over, and over again. Darcy was only grateful it made them easier to defeat for the team. Nevertheless, the scorpions kept the team up until around one in the morning, and Coulson allowed everyone to go and get some rest before the debriefing, on the condition that Darcy would be here for said meeting, to try and keep some order amongst sleep deprived super heroes.
She didn't have much hope on that regard, but hey, miracles happen.
She miraculously got to the meeting room where everyone already was except Clint. She fell on the seat beside Bruce, and proceeded to use his shoulder as a pillow. He leaned on her as well and they supported each other, elbowing the other regularly to keep each other awake.
Coulson and Fury were talking in hushed tones, looking crisp and wide awake. Darcy wanted to do a urine test on them both. No way these two were humans. Finally, Fury went to speak.
"Avengers, first let me cong-"
Suddenly, they all jumped a meter high in the air. Out of the blue, some heavy metal song started blasting at full volume over the intercom at the exact moment when the singer started yelling one incomprehensible thing or another. Bruce fought to keep his heart rate under control, while Darcy clutched her chest. In the hallway, they heard the slightly manic, and sugar high laughter they all could identify, Fury included. The vein on his fore head was pulsing, and he yelled at the top of his lungs.
"BARTON!"
OOOOOOOO
To whom it may concern:
People have been putting papers with the colloquialism "Dat Ass" written on it followed by a downward-pointing arrow on Capt. Rogers backside. This is inappropriate.
...
Steve was walking through the headquarters, lost in thought. He was thinking on how he could have handled his team better in the last mission, so that Thor wouldn't have crashed through a dozen shop's front windows in his effort to catch the fugitive giant scorpion that slipped away when the rest of the team was busy dealing the rest of his kin.
Granted, a few shops was far less damage than what the Avengers were used to creating, but still Steve was convinced it could have been spared. He should have ordered Hawkeye to stay high, no matter how the archer hated to be kept out of the action.
Any way, he wasn't really paying attention to the rest of the personnel, but after a while he could help but notice that people seemed to stare at him more than usual. He told himself he was imagining things, but he couldn't shake the feeling.
He rode his bike back to the mansion, with a helmet because Darcy was always vehement about it no matter how much he hated the thing. And it was the law. Steve figured it would be bad for Captain America to break the law over things that could really save lives.
He got in the Mansion, greeting everyone, and heading to the kitchen when Tony called him.
"Cap, hey Cap! I didn't peg you for one to advertise that kind of thing!"
Steve turned, frowning. Tony merely smirked, and reached behind him to unstick something that was glued to his back. He showed it to Steve. It was a piece of paper, with Dat Ass written across it. Steve turned bright red. Natasha, who was just behind Tony, smiled at him and patted him on the shoulder.
"Don't worry about it love. If they hadn't noticed it themselves, they're blind."
Steve was convinced he was burning now, Tony was snorting, and Natasha chuckled, pecking him on the cheek.
OOOOOOOO
To whom it may concern:
All S.H.I.E.L.D. personnel are forbidden from challenging Thor to any kind or drinking contest.
...
Darcy was sitting on the couch in one of the rec rooms at headquarters. It was a late Friday night and it was the birthday party of some agent or another. The Avengers being invited, she was there to chaperone. Steve and Natasha were dancing. Well, technically, Natasha was showing Steve how to dance. Tony was at the bar, telling some ridiculous story or another to an indulgent Pepper. Clint was definitely tipsy and was leaning heavily on Thor, laughing loudly. Bruce was sitting beside her and would be hiding in some dark corner if she hadn't forced him to stay there. Everything was under control. Until some agent took Clint's remark about Thor being the best drinking buddy ever because he doesn't get drunk, personal.
He was Polish, if Darcy remembered correctly, and claimed he could drink the god under the table.
Thor smiled and Clint called Tony to them.
"Hey Tony! Tony! Drinking contest!"
Tony whipped around grinning widely.
"Get the vodka and the camera!"
Everything was set up quickly. Bruce and Darcy shared an unimpressed look. All the Avengers knew the only one who could possibly out drink Thor was Steve. Why Clint and Tony felt the need to prove it was beyond them.
It turned out the agent could handle alcohol pretty well. Not as well as Thor, of course. But pretty well anyhow.
Didn't save him from a trip to the hospital, though.
OOOOOOO
To whom it may concern:
Captain Rogers' skills regarding the use of modern technology are still under development and should not be mocked. Additionally, the DVD player in the entertainment room needs to be replaced after being mistaken for a mini-oven.
...
"I don't understand how this is possible."
Steve was holding Darcy's iPod upside down by the ear buds string. Darcy pinched her lips, delicately prying her precious iPod from his fingers.
"It's not that hard, Steve. You press the button, and it plays music."
Tony was rolling on the floor at that point, and Darcy might have been worried about him dying from the lack of oxygen if she wasn't that annoyed at him. He should be the one explaining these things, he was the genius engineer.
"But how do you fit the disk in it?"
Tony was officially crying now, and Steve looked embarrassed.
"You don't need a disk, Steve, the music is already in it."
He frowned.
"But how can you put a song in it without using a disk?"
She sighed.
"Not just a song, Steve, about a thousand of them. And you use a computer."
Steve looked lost.
"A computer? That shiny screen Tony showed me yesterday? But how can it fit a thousand songs on this thing? And I don't even know a thousand songs!"
Darcy didn't have the time to answer before Bruce came in the room, looking confused.
"Uhh, guys? Does someone know why there is mini pizza leftover in the DVD machine?"
Steve turned bright red and fled to his room.
OOOOOOOOO
To whom it may concern:
The discussion of genitalia belonging to Avengers or SHIELD personal is not an appropriate topic to discuss with the press.
To whom it may concern:
Due to the 'hammer' comparison between Mr. Stark and Thor, SHIELD had been compelled to rewrite its official description of what is and is not a 'weapon'. Personnel should find the new description far less vague.
...
Darcy was at the Mansion with Jane and Pepper, who had just come back from a trip to India. Zazu and Flit had come to get her when the fighting had stopped. There were surprisingly few destroyed building and little general chaos, which meant that the press arrived quickly and that the Avengers were in good enough shape to talk to them which didn't happen often. She heard Coulson's sigh, and the order he relayed from Fury that the team was to stay on site an talk to the journalists.
It was smooth at the beginning, every one staying clear of the Hulk and no one really interested in interviewing Clint except to ask how it felt to be one of the only humans on the team. So Darcy's boyfriend was able to slip away pretty fast to hang out with the Hulk. Natasha was occupied with some feminist paper or another asking her how she felt being surrounded by men and if she thought women were being discriminated against. She gave the usual non-answer. Spy training could come handy sometimes.
But, as usual, the main focus was on Steve, Tony and Thor. The Captain was slightly apart, while Tony and Thor stood together. All the girls saw the exact moment when the billionaire got bored, and they all frowned.
A journalist asked Tony the next question.
"What do you think of your weapons, in comparison to, say, Thor's hammer?"
Tony smirked evilly, and Pepper hid her face in her hands.
"Well, as much as I love the suit, Thor's hammer is pretty nice. But I have to say, I have a hammer of my own, and I have been told it's pretty potent."
Pepper went bright red and Thor protested.
"No hammer his more powerful than mine!"
Tony patted his arm mindlessly.
"Sure, sure buddy, but we're talking about mine now."
Pepper groaned and shook her head. Darcy and Jane burst out laughing. Tony wasn't done, though, because it's Tony.
"It's a nice weapon, and many people have knelt at the sight of it. As they did Thor's. All the Avengers have nice hammers. Steve!"
The Captain, unaware of the discussion, turned to them with his big innocent blue eyes.
"How do like your hammer?"
Steve frowned, but wisely didn't answer, turning back his own journalist. Tony shrugged and went back to the woman who asked first, who now looked between disgusted and interested.
"Though I have to say, I think the Jolly Green Giant must have the biggest one. Probably, if it's proportional. Luckily, I don't know for sure. Thank goodness for indestructible pants, right?"
Pepper dove after Zazu and turned the TV off, despite the offended beeps of the remote. Darcy and Jane were now bent in half, rolling on the floor.
Pepper was mumbling into her hands.
"Fury and Coulson will kill him. He'll be dead by the morning."
OOOOOOOO
To whom it may concern:
Agent Barton AKA Hawkeye is not 'The Batman' and is not allowed to dress in a cheap Halloween costume during combat scenarios. It is also inappropriate to jump out at unsuspecting interns, shout 'I AM THE NIGHT' and toss smoke bombs to veil his escape.
...
Darcy was in a meeting with Coulson late one morning. They were discussing the team's current dynamics and moral. Ever since she made the deal with Loki, they had all been tensed and worried, acting very protective towards her. They never left her without one of them or Coulson to watch over her.
Since today was training day, they allowed her to stay with the agent, after a lot of arguing from Darcy, Bruce and Natasha. In any other circumstance, Clint would have been on Coulson's side, but he was angry at his boss for letting her go on the Morning of Doom, as Tony chose to call it.
So, they were in a meeting room close to the gym, so the team could get her when they exit.
"Dr. Banner seems to be in a good mood lately."
Darcy smiled.
"Yeah, he's relaxing slowly."
Coulson nodded, looking pleased. Coulson was expressing an emotion. Darcy smirked.
"You know, he does seem to be in better mood when your around."
Coulson was kept from answering from a loud crash in hallway. They heard a loud scream, and the sound of someone running.
The intercom came to life with the voice of a pissed off Fury.
"Coulson, Lewis, I highly recommend the both of you to get your hands on agent Barton before I do."
They shared another look and stood up, Darcy sighing. They heard someone laugh like a maniac and scream "I AM THE NIGHT!". Darcy started to swear under her breathe. They did even got to the door before the resident lunatic archer, who was currently decked out in a black costume with a cape, barged into the room, crossed it in three strides and jumped into the air duct in a swift motion.
Through the smoke that accompanied the entrance of Clint, a red intern walked in looking disheveled with black burned traces marking his face. Coulson sighed.
"Miss Lewis, I will go and deal with the personnel, if you would please accompany Agent Barton home."
She nodded. He boyfriend slid to the ground at the moment Coulson exited. He gave her a slightly mad smile. She walked to him, grasped his rubber band held mask, pulled, and let go, enjoying the slapping noise it caused.
"Ow."
"Come on, batman. Let's go home before Fury rips your head off with his teeth."
OOOOOOOOO
To whom it may concern:
Mr. Stark had requested that whoever is teaching his lab robots to play board games please stop, as they are refusing to do anything other than play Connect 4 all day.
...
Bruce was in his lab late at night. He rubbed his eyes, and looked around. He noticed the clock on the wall. It was two o'clock in the morning. He knew no one would be up at this time, just as he knew he wouldn't be able to sleep, not yet. He needed to be far more exhausted to get a real good nights sleep.
But he was tired of his experiments and he couldn't do much about them at the moment. He looked at Tony's part of the lab, noticing some movement. He moved there, and saw two of the bots, DUMMY and U.
He didn't connect as much with them as with Flit and Zazu, but they could keep him company. He saw a box on Tony's counter.
"Hey, guys?"
The two bots looked up, well, raised their arms.
"Do you want to learn how to play Connect 4?"
They whirred happily, rolling toward him.
"The both of you against me, alright?"
They nodded. Bruce then proceeded to explain the rules to them, helping them process the best way to handle the chips and sending them all on the floor by accident. From the way they looked horrified afterward, Bruce took that Tony wasn't the most patient with his robotic helpers. Bruce made sure of telling them it wasn't a big deal.
Afterward, they had a pretty good time, the robots improving their play until Bruce had to go back to his experiments, in a better mood than he had been previously.
Tony's reaction later had been priceless as well.
"What? What the hell are you poking me for? Connect 4? No, I don't want to play Connect 4! Leave that alone! What, so you're going to play between the both of you? No, I need you to test the new protot- What do you mean you don't want to? DUMMY! Come back here you hopeless piece of junk!"
Bruce smirked into his tea cup.
OOOOOOOOO
To whom it may concern:
This is to notify all agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. that social networking sites such as Facebook, Tumblr and Twitter are not to be used to comment on work schedules, strategy or the mental capacity of other agents.
Agent Barton is to be reminded that posting as 'Legolas' does not make him anonymous.
...
Clint was in his room, as opposed to Darcy's where he slept most of the time. It felt a bit weird to be back here, since he hadn't been here since he and Darcy had started sleeping together.
But Darcy was gone on a girls night out with Jane, Pepper and Natasha, leaving him alone. Thor and Steve were fighting, and he wasn't getting in the middle of that. Bruce and Tony were having fun with their science gear downstairs, and Clint was always a bit afraid to go there. Bruce was the product of a failed experiment after all.
He could have gone to the range, but he already spent most of his day there, and he knew the consequences of overworking himself. So he was back to his old ways of entertaining himself, internet bashing. Which was the reason why he was using his own computer instead of Darcy's.
He logged in to his Facebook account.
Legolas:
I resent my work's inhuman hour.
Big man in a suit of armor:
Considering you're an elf...
Legolas:
Shut up. Aren't you supposed to be working? And some of us need to sleep.
Big man in a suit of armor:
I'm working. It's called multi-tasking. And you could sleep right now.
Legolas:
Yes, which is why I resent the schedules. Sometimes we're literally overwhelmed, sometimes nothing happens for days.
Big man in a suit of armor:
Poor thing.
Legolas:
Come on, you know what I mean! Even the lambda team could have handled these last doom bots, and they're not exactly competent.
Big man in a suit of armor:
I see your point. Do you remember when Jamerson shoot himself in the foot because he got caught in a spider web?
Legolas:
That was hilarious.
Eternally Furious:
This discussion is inappropriate. Barton, Stark, if you do not stop, we will disconnect the Mansion's internet.
Legolas:
Who are you? What are you talking about?
Eternally Furious:
Barton...
Legolas:
Who is Barton? I am an elf.
OOOOOOOOO
To whom it may concern:
Agents Stark and Barton are to vacate the Office of the Director immediately, and are to cease and desist in referring to it as 'Fort Kickass'.
Nor are they allowed to deny the Director entry into said fort.
Especially since the Director is Supreme Overlord and Tyrant of said fort.
...
Tony was hiding behind the desk. He was breathing heavily, a mad smile stretching his face to the near painful state. From the corner of his eye, he saw Clint perched on the top of Fury's bookcase, armed with his nerf gun he kept from his four year old phase. He threw a tantrum when Coulson had tried to get him to hand it over, insisting it wasn't dangerous and would keep him entertained when he was bored.
Apparently, no one expected him to used it to take over Fury's office while the man was in a meeting with the R&D guys. They ditched the security pretty easily, scared as they were of Barton's bow, may it be a toy.
Though Tony wasn't sure they actually noticed it wasn't a real bow. They dropped to the floor and let them do as they wished.
Tony had worked his magic with the door, opening it and locking it back when they got inside, in such way that Fury wouldn't be able to open it himself. Just on cue, the Man started pounding on the door.
"Barton! Stark! Open that door at once!"
Barton called out.
"Access to Fort Kickass denied!"
The pounding got even louder.
"Barton!"
"Yes Sir?"
"Open that door!"
Tony cut in.
"Sorry big boss! Hawkeye fell under my incredible influences. He doesn't listen anyone but me!"
Barton shot him an amused look but didn't deny it.
"Mothefuckers! You will open that fucking door or I'll send your sorry asses to Siberia for the next few months!"
Tony snorted.
"I'm a consultant, Fury."
Barton smirked.
"You wouldn't survive without my charming self around you to shoot aliens."
"Don't make me fucking laugh, Barton!"
He continued pounding until a female voice came from the other side of the door.
"I can interrupt, sir?"
"Certainly Miss Lewis. Have fun."
"Guys?"
They didn't answer, and Clint pursed his lips.
"I'm going to assume you are in there. I am here to inform you that me and Pepper decided that if you don't come out of 'Fort Kickass' in the next minute, you are both sleeping on the couch for the next month."
There shared a look, and sighed together. Barton slid to the ground, and Tony uncurled himself. They opened the door, shoulders tensed. Fury glared at them, and they glared at Darcy, who remained unflappable. She was spending far too much time with Coulson.
OOOOOOOO
To whom it may concern:
Captain Rogers is to be reminded that briefing notes are official documents, the margins of which should not be used for drawing caricatures of fellow agents.
As charming as Agent Barton looks in a tutu while riding a unicycle on a tightrope and juggling puppy sized elephants, it is highly inappropriate.
...
Steve was tired. They had been up for over 24 hours, chasing after some rogue scientist who designed some kind of shrinking ray.
Despicable Me much? No one should get inspiration from kid's movies. It's just wrong.
The point was, Steve, super soldier and all, was fighting very hard not to fall asleep in the middle of the debriefing. Natasha was wide awake beside him but the woman wasn't human, Steve was sure of it. He loved her from the bottom of his heart but still. No way she was straight vanilla human.
Clint wasn't even trying and was presently sleeping on Darcy's lap. It was truly adorable. The archer could be very harsh sometimes, though not as much as Tony, but still. He looked completely relaxed in his sleep, leaning unconsciously into Darcy's touch.
Steve didn't even realize he was doodling until he was half through the sketch. It was proof of just how tired he was, his brain wasn't even controlling his arm anymore. He stared at the picture as it took place, not hearing Fury anymore.
Coulson called him, asking for his attention. He forced himself to answer in a coherent manner, ignoring the fact his hand was still drawing. He was able to draw without really looking at his picture, just watching from the corner of his eye. Of course it was a simple drawing, not a portrait or anything but still.
Finally, Fury dismissed them. Steve was grouping his papers when a tanned hand appeared out of nowhere, stealing the sheet with the drawing.
Tony quickly jumped out of reach, and looked at the drawing. He started laughing like maniac. Fury was looking at Steve with suspicious eyes.
Tony jumped to Clint who was just waking up, and threw the paper under the archer's nose. The man stared at it for a few seconds before taking it. He looked between the sketching and Steve a few time, before holding it up.
"Is that supposed to be me?"
Darcy chuckled.
"Aaww, I think it's cute!"
"I'm wearing a tutu!"
"You are a charming ballerina, fledgling."
Fury grimaced.
"Captain Rogers?"
"I'm sorry, sir. Won't happen again, sir."
Steve was beet red. Again.
OOOOOOOOO
To whom it may concern:
Agent Clint Barton AKA Hawkeye and Miss Darcy Lewis are not to encourage Mr. Stark to turn his Iron Man suit into a portable sound system.
The Avengers do not require background music no matter how "bitching" it would make their "fight scene."
...
They were sitting in Coulson's office after a simple mission. The debrief had been quick, and the only 'wrinkle' throughout the entire operation is the fact that Tony's suit started blaring 'Eye of the tiger' in the middle of the mission.
Well, Fury and Coulson thought it was a wrinkle. Darcy and Clint really didn't see what the problem was.
"Agent Barton, you of all people should know the importance of being stealthy."
Clint rolled his eyes.
"It's Tony we're talking about sir. He's flying around in a red and gold glorified tin can. He can't be less subtle than he already is. It's bitching to have a real life soundtrack."
Coulson gave him a Disapproving Face. Coulson's Disapproving Faces were famous, and should be labeled as Weapons of Mass Destruction. Needless to say, Clint shut up pretty quick.
"And you Miss Lewis, am I to remind you that you are the responsible and mature adult around here?"
Darcy pinched her lips. She hated being scolded.
"Sir, I have to take care of the team's moral."
He cocked his head.
"The team's field performance is my responsibility, Miss Lewis. That includes Iron Man not having a portable DJ sound system incorporated into his suit. Should something likewise happen again, I would be obliged to take some measures."
They both nodded.
"You are dismissed."
They exited, and Clint wrapped his arm around her waist, knowing how much she hated being reprimanded. She smiled at him.
"Yeah. Don't worry. After all, it was about time I got my name on one of these memos!"
A/N: All the memos are from the website Memos from Fury. Go check it out, I had to chose which ones fit in this story, but there are so much more awesome stuff in there, I can't even begin to describe. The link is in my profile.
Green Queen