A/N: Okay, so this is actually a very inconvenient time for me to be posting this; I have a lot of other things I should really be getting done right now, but I couldn't help myself--today isn't any ordinary fanfiction day for me. Today marks five years that I've been a member of this site and have been posting stories (although my first story and several others had to be removed from the site--I used to write script-formatted humor fics). Man, I can't believe it's been such a long time! But I'm sure that's enough history for you. As far as updating goes, I should have another chapter out within the first two weeks of May; I'm still slammed with work at the moment. Anyway, thanks to all of you who read, reviewed, alerted, and favorited the story and the last chapter!
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Friday, April 29
Dear Journal,
Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. I can't believe this happened. This has to be the worst goddamn day of my life. Have you ever imagined the worst possible that could happen to you, and then something happens that actually tops it fucking tenfold?
Cartman read my journal. This journal.
He knows everything. Everything! Dammit. I don't know what to do.
Of course, he's blackmailing me now. Doesn't surprise me. I know it's gonna suck beyond recognition to be his slave, but I have to do it. As long as he doesn't tell Kyle anything, I'll do it. I'll do whatever that asshole wants.
I hate this! How could I be so stupid? I should've known better than to leave my journal out even for a second! I didn't even know Cartman was already inside my house when the doorbell rang, but I should have considered it. I should have been more careful…
So, here's the story. I was up here when I heard the doorbell ring, and I guess I was in a hurry and left my journal on my desk. I went downstairs to answer the door (it was Kenny). I realized I had probably left my journal out, so I went back upstairs and I saw Cartman coming out of my room. I saw that look in his eyes, the smug grin on his face…and I just knew what he had done before I even saw it. I wanted so badly for it not to have happened, but then I saw what he wrote. It was there. The proof was in these pages. He knew, and I was screwed.
And I went ballistic. I stormed downstairs, and it was just about at that time that Kyle arrived. But I couldn't reconcile with him then. I screamed at both him and Kenny to get out of my house. I needed to talk to Cartman. I didn't even care how insane I was acting. Kyle looked pissed, like he had wasted his time, and Kenny just looked confused…probably a little pissed too. But that was none of my concern at the time.
They left, and I asked Cartman what he wanted, what I needed to do for him. He told me to come over to his house every day after school, and he would have different assignments for me. And he said I couldn't leave until he gave me permission, which sometimes might run pretty late into the night. I was pissed (I'm still pissed), but I said fine, and I made him promise that if I agreed to all this, he wouldn't say a goddamn word to Kyle about any of this.
He agreed.
And we also agreed to keep this whole agreement specifically between us. I don't really mind that; I don't want anyone to know, not even Kenny. Even if I did tell Kenny, I doubt there's anything he could do to help. He probably has his own blackmail against Cartman, but I doubt he has anything big enough on Cartman to get him to ease off of me. Cartman would probably just get pissed and shout my secret to every person he comes in contact with, whether they know me and would even care or not.
I don't care how long this agreement has to go on, how long I have to be around Cartman day after day and constantly do stupid ass things for him even though I hate him, I'll do it forever if I have to, as long as Cartman keeps his fat ass mouth shut.
God, I still can't believe all of this happened. I thought this was gonna be a pretty good night. Shit, I didn't even talk to Kyle. The second he came in, I screamed at him and told him to get out of my house. Dammit. That's really not gonna help. I keep getting myself in deeper and deeper shit. Not only did I get myself enslaved by Cartman tonight, I made things even worse with Kyle, which I didn't even think was possible, but apparently it is. It seems like everything I touch lately turns to shit. Can't I do anything right?
There's gotta be a way to fix at least some of this, but for right now at least, I'm stumped. I can't even think right now. I can barely stand to write in here—just a couple of pages behind this one is where my life completely went down the toilet. But there's nothing I can do about that, and besides, I think I would die if I didn't get all this shit out, so I can't just give up my journal. But next time I leave my room, I have to remember to hide this, lock it and hide the key too where no one could ever possibly find it.
I still can't believe I'm so stupid. I think I just want to go to sleep and forget about all this for a few hours. Maybe I can have nice dreams about the kind of night that would've happened had I not been so careless and had Cartman not been such a manipulative asshole.
But like I said, there's nothing I can do about any of this. It's already happened, and all I can do is deal with it.
I guess I'll do more of that tomorrow. Until then, good fucking night.