A/N: Hey y'all! I wanted to thank you for all of the positive comments which I have received, it has been an interesting road so far, that said we are not nearly done. Continuing with the theme of the past little bit we've got another "longer" chapter. That said do y'all prefer shorter like 1-2K chapters every 2-3 days or longer 3K+ chapters once a week? I created a poll which you can view on my profile to give me an idea of what that the majority wants. Any other thoughts are welcome in the comments as always. I still read every one. I would like to know what is best geared towards what you guys want...other than to read Lizzy's letter to Darcy of course! :) Have an awesome day and remember it is a great day to be alive!
Reflections and Rejections:
Fitzwilliam Darcy awoke to the sound of a moving carriage. Noticing the placement of the sun, he surmised it was far too early for any member of the ton to come calling. He briefly glanced from his window to find what he believed to be the Bennet carriage. His suspicions were confirmed when mere moment later Elizabeth herself was handed into the coach, a disappointed look cast upon her face.
Fitzwilliam grabbed his dressing gown and retreated down the stairs, when he reached the front entrance, the carriage was gone and well on its way. He retreated back to his rooms and rang for his valet. Once readied, he set off to find his sister downstairs.
She was in the drawing room, a smug look on her face and a letter placed in her lap. Before he had the chance to speak she turned red in the face and began.
"How could you do this Fitzwilliam?! How could you drive her away from me?" Even though she was angry, tears began to well. She pushed them back.
"How could you simply let her leave?" His face full of regret and self-loathe.
"Are you placing the blame on me brother? For I know that your actions two days ago and then your lack thereof yesterday are what caused her to flee. Heartbroken one might conclude."
"I never meant for her to leave. My plan was to apologize today for my actions which I took yesterday. I read father's journals and discovered where I had gone wrong. I realized that she was a woman worth waiting for. I want her in my life. I need her in my life, but now I suppose it is too late now. She is gone, if that is what she wants, then that is what shall be." Addressing the letter which lay in her hands, he continued, "Is that from Elizabeth?"
"Yes, she wanted me to give this to you. She wanted to explain her own thoughts on the matter. I hope she is able to put your pride where it belongs, for we both know she is quite capable of doing so. Enjoy brother!" She walked off more disgusted than she had ever been towards her brother. He prayed she would not be angry with him for long, but his actions did rid her of her only friend. He retreated to his study and opened the letter.
Mr. Darcy,
Just two days prior to my writing this you gave me leave to address you by your Christian name. After the events following, I cannot do so now. Instead of condemning you and filling this page with words of hatred, I thought what better than to explain my thoughts on what became of our friendship using what I have now made out of your character.
Upon our first meeting, I thought you a man quite unsociable and taciturn. You rarely spoke, when you did, nothing but your pride was released into society. I thought it rather odd that you were a good friend to a man of such good breeding and attentive behavior as Mr. Bingley. As I became acquainted with your sister, I better understood you, a brother who deeply cares for his sister. Albeit too much on occasion, for I am certain you thought me too below her stature to pursue an acquaintance. I believed you to be all goodness, but appearances can indeed be misleading. I believed you to improve upon closer acquaintance Mr. Darcy, but once I gave you all I had to offer, you were exactly who I originally thought. A proud, disagreeable, man blinded by his own prejudices. I who have prided myself on my own discernment, who have valued myself on my abilities! How humiliated in this discovery I was. How was I mislead by so vain a man, I know not. But I can assure you, it will never happen again.
I have every reason in the world to think ill of you. No motive can excuse the unjust and ungenerous part you acted there. I opened up my own vulnerabilities to you, and you used me most abominably. I should have known upon first meeting that you were the sort of man to prey upon young women. Perhaps Mr. Wickham and yourself are more alike than previously thought. I suppose after your reading this, you shall prohibit my friendship with your sister. The time I spent with her will always be of a good memory. I am resolved to only look to the past as its remembrance gives pleasure; Mr. Darcy, I'm afraid, will not be looked back upon. Apologize to Georgiana for me, if you will. I require time alone with my family at present. There are things I must sort out, this will be the case for an indeterminable length of time.
With this I have nothing else to say other than well wishes for your sister's health and happiness.
-Elizabeth Collins
Darcy whitened in embarrassment of his own actions and his heart grieved with sadness, so this is your opinion of me, my Elizabeth? No, not my Elizabeth. Not "Elizabeth" at all. She will now and forever be Mrs. Collins. That is what she said. For once, I will respect her wishes, as it would appear that I have lacked in doing so since the beginning of our acquaintance.
Prior to the events of the past two days, Darcy had hoped to assist her after she completed her confinement. For the first time in his life, Darcy wanted his attentions to be received, it just so happened the woman he sought them from, did not return them. At least not anymore. His heart ached. It was at this moment, this state of mourning and loss that he realized that love was more than simply a strong inclination for another. It was a sense of being, he felt as though he needed to protect her, and he had utterly failed.
He longed to assist her in putting her life together after the tragedies and her past marriage. To give her the opportunity to feel what love could be. But he destroyed all her hopes and happiness with him. He bore the weight of this for many months. Georgiana tried to relieve him from his suffering, but he would not. He worked on the estate and visited tenants with a smile, but those closest to him saw through the façade. He sought out relief in his cups. Never before had he done so, but as events were brandy was the only solace. It allowed him to subdue the pain of his loss. He became a shell of the man he once was.
While in the carriage, Elizabeth's mind reflected on her past actions and emotions of late. With conflicted emotions, her mind wished to have changed the phrasings in the letter she wrote to Mr. Darcy. She surmised that her anger and hasty writing caused for ungenerous remarks concerning his own character. Perhaps she had been too hard upon him? No indeed, he needed his pride put in check. Although at present I am pained greatly, it will pass. And in the meantime perhaps my grief will appear as though I am mourning.
She reflected on her relationships with her family and friends, several of them were in need of amendment. She prayed that she would not be too late to do so. However, there were relationships such as that with her mother that she had no wish to amend. If Mrs. Bennet already knew of her increasing she would be overjoyed at the prospect of the entailment breaking...If the child was born a male. If not, she feared her mother would push her at the next heir to Longbourn until Mrs. Bennet was secure in her own position.
Father had been placed in a difficult situation when Mrs. Bennet forced the marriage. Elizabeth believed he chose the way that had resulted in the most peace at Longbourn. However, that was not the case for all members of the party. She understood her father was prepared to make changes to his own character and his responsibilities as a father, husband and landlord. Elizabeth awaited the moment when she began to see the man who was once her "Papa."
Elizabeth keenly felt her hasty missive to her sister. The words too harsh to describe. Jane never meant for her words to be ever taken in such a way, yet they were and it was Elizabeth's own doing. Their friendship would never be what it once was, but she hoped that it could become stronger from this experience.
Mary earned the right to be loved by her family, not blatantly tossed aside. Elizabeth now knew what that felt like and she so wished to change her ways. Mary was perhaps rather awkward in society, but with some guidance she would be a wonderful young woman that any man would happily wed.
When it came to her two youngest sisters, she was at a loss. Their behavior of late had been quite discreditable, but with assistance from herself, Jane and if their father be willing, a governess, they could become respectable young ladies in their own right.
At the end of these reveries, her carriage slowed as it approached the gates of Longbourn. As the footman assisted her out of the carriage Elizabeth watched her family—save Mrs. Bennet and Mrs. Bingley—walk out of doors to greet her upon her arrival. Mr. Bennet approached first.
"My dear Lizzy. I am glad you have come home. Your mother stays above stairs. Later I wish to speak to you in my library." His voice unsteady, his face filled with guilt Elizabeth quickly responded.
"Of course father, I will join you as soon as I change and unpack my trunks." She expected no less from Mrs. Bennet. Her sisters all greeted her warmly and with genuine affection for their sister.
"Once I return from speaking with papa, I should like to spend time with each of you, if you do not object?" With assurances that they should all wish to spend time with her, Elizabeth quickly hurried upstairs to her room. Upon realizing that since her departure less than two weeks ago, her room had been converted and the excess furniture were gone Mary gave her insight.
"Directly after Jane's marriage to Mr. Bingley, mama had your beds and furniture placed in the attic. Until we can have them brought down again, will you mind sharing with me temporarily?"
"Of course not Mary." Mrs. Bennet in her absence decided that her dear Lydia should not indeed be confined to sharing with mediocre Kitty. The youngest of the Bennets was then awarded with the largest of rooms after the rooms for Mr. and Mrs. Bennet. This room was once Jane and Lizzy's, fond memories flooded her vision. Her desire to mend her relationship became ever more prevalent.
The two eldest sisters now turned to Mary's room, which was the smallest, for at the time Mary insisted that "The size of a bedroom was not equal to the strength of their character in the eyes of God." After one night together in the shared room, she regretted her past remark.
After washing the grime off the journey from her face, Elizabeth met her father in his study. He gestured for her to sit down.
"Lizzy, how do you fare? Was the journey too much for the child?" His face contained great worry for his favorite. An emotion which was scarcely ever shown by Mr. Bennet.
"I am well papa. I am not far along for the babe to be kicking in frustration, so I will say that he or she is fine."
"Good, good. After reading your letters I realized I had performed a great disservice to you and your sisters. Instead of caring for you as a father should, I allowed your mother to force you into submission and I did nothing to stop her. You, all of you deserved more from me. My negligence caused you a painful marriage." Pulling from a pile of letter which lay on his desk he continued. "Ah, here is it, 'You sent me into a cage of carnivorous wolves without any way of defending myself. I was free, his for the taking. He took it and took it. Now I am left a widow at age twenty and with child. Praying that this child may not become the monster that was its father. And as much as it pains me to say it, but at times its maternal Grandfather.' Lizzy" he said looking to her squarely, "I cannot tell you how much it grieved me to hear those words from you. You indeed were correct. I had failed you, I promise from this day forward, to be what you and your sisters need in a father."
They entered into a great lapse of silence. Neither one wanting to break the cold air between them. After minutes Mr. Bennet asked that which he had been dearly wishing to ask.
"If I were to procure a governess for your younger sisters, do you believe they would object? What is your own opinion?"
"I believe it would do them a great deal of good. Lydia I am sure would object at first, but if someone were to explain to her that she would be more likely to 'catch a husband' with good manners, she may be willing to submit to such a scheme. As long as Kitty were able to learn more and further her accomplishments, I am sure she would have no objections."
It was nearly three o'clock and Mrs. Bennet decided to grace the household with her screeching.
"HILL! Where is Hill? HILL I NEED YOU! It would appear that my widowed daughter decided she must live here once again. I suppose I shall speak with her. Please send her to me promptly." Upon hearing her mother's voice, Elizabeth excused herself and set off in search of her mother.
"WHERE IS THAT GIRL?" The yelling came in the direction of the drawing room.
"I am here mama." She spoke as sweetly as able.
"Why am I just now finding out that you are in MY home?"
"Father wrote to me last night and had the carriage sent for me early this morning. He did not want me staying with the Darcys". Mrs. Bennet sighed in response.
"Elizabeth, how could you have allowed Mr. Collins to die? Have you no compassion for my nerves? Now I shall be sent out into the hedgerows as soon as your father passes. What will become of us all?" What Mrs. Bennet neglected to tell her least-favorite child was that she had already been in contact with her brother Phillips in search of the next heir to Longbourn. She hoped that Elizabeth could be of use and marry him as soon as possible. She did not have any other prospects after all.
"I did not let him die mother! I tried to save him, there was nothing I could do when he was unconscious on the floor of the carriage. I had to escape, when the men arrived to look for him, he had been dead for some time."
"That is no excuse! I thought I had raised you better than this. While under my roof you shall do as I say Elizabeth! I will hear no objections—"
"No she will not!" The screeching of Mrs. Bennet had kept them from hearing Mr. Bennet's entrance.
"Mr. Bennet, I have need of her to marry the next heir! Or what will become of us all!"
"Elizabeth, you are excused. I understand your sisters wished to spend time with you today." Releasing a sigh of relief Elizabeth thanked her father and left, closing the door behind her.
"Fanny, I need you to understand something—"
"No you must listen to me. She has never been a useful sort of person, this gives her the opportunity to be so."
"No! I idly stood by before, but not again! Should Elizabeth choose to remarry it will be HER choice! Not mine and not yours Mrs. Bennet. Also I will no longer have you condemning the girls who are not your favorites. Namely: Elizabeth, Mary and Kitty. They cannot help that they were born women, nor can they help their amount of beauty. Mrs. Bennet, you must begin to treat them as people. For there may come a time when you ask something of them and they may not give it to you because of your treatment of them."
"Pray tell, what may I ask of them?"
"A place to live Mrs. Bennet. The opportunity to meet your grandchildren. If these are things which you should ever hope for, then you must change your habits. If you do not I will cut off your pin money if it comes to that."
"Oh Mr. Bennet!" She sat in resignation and brought her handkerchief to wipe her fake tears from her face. With this he left the room.
The next five weeks brought all the Bennet and former Bennet sisters together once again in unity once again. During which time, Elizabeth sought out her sister Jane at Netherfield, she was quite uncomfortable. After several minutes of undisturbed silence Elizabeth spoke.
"Jane, I am indeed so sorry for the words that I have written. I have found that as I have been increasing my emotions have not been my own. I understand if you will not accept my apology, but I will beg for your forgiveness nevertheless."
"Lizzy, I will admit that I was quite hurt by the words which your hand had produced. But seeing you hear now under these circumstances makes me realize the immense stress you were feeling both at the time of my wedding and the time in which you wrote the letter. I wish I had done more to ease your agony then, but I shall attempt to do so now." Elizabeth had tears in her eyes and Jane had all the proof in which she needed to understand that Elizabeth as an expectant mother was not the same Elizabeth as before.
With their squabbles having been quite forgotten. Jane was quite excited for her sister and her pregnancy. Elizabeth was able to be frank with Jane concerning her ability—or lack thereof—to keep down food. Jane and Mr. Bingley talked of wanting a family, but it appeared Jane did not possess the easy ability to conceive as her sister had. Elizabeth reassured her sister in her insecurities that it would happen in time and that hers and Mr. Bingley's children would be beautiful just as their parents.
As Elizabeth and Mary continued to share a room their nearness to one another strengthened their bond greatly. Elizabeth's bed had been brought down which she greatly appreciated. When Elizabeth would retreat to the chamber pot when she was nauseous, Mary would ensure her hair was properly held back. The two would read together and discuss potential names for the growing child within.
One morning, Mr. Thomas Bennet was in search of his daughters, who he found walking in the garden. The beginnings of spring near, the flowers had begun to bud. Lydia was picking them and placing them in her hair. Kitty was skipping through the park and Mary was reading from Fordyce's Sermons. Elizabeth looked both content and anxious. He hoped to ease her troubles.
"Elizabeth, Mary, Kitty and Lydia, would you please join me in my library?" They quickly did as asked. When they reached the doors they sat down, their father began pacing.
"My dear girls, I must speak with you on matters which concern all of you in one respect or another. Elizabeth, I am aware that at the moment you are sharing a room with Mary. You and I are both aware that situation will not work for much longer. As you will require more space and your own room you shall have what is presently Lydia's as it is the largest."
"But Papa!" Lydia cried in opposition.
"No Lydia, your sister needs to have her own room. I will not be moved on the subject."
"But why? As she is an old maid, it is not as though she needs her own space to get ready for balls." Mr. Bennet looked to his eldest daughter in the room as if to say do you want to tell her or shall I? Elizabeth resigned.
"Lydia there is a particular reason for my needing my own room and a larger room at that; I am increasing." Looks of shock appeared on her sister's faces, for all except Mary. Gasps and squeals were heard from any point in the entire house. After a moment to collect herself again, Elizabeth continued. "I should wish if you kept this to yourselves. I would wish that this stay private for as long as possible. I know that it cannot be long."
"That leads us to the next topic of which I wanted to talk to you girls of. I have decided to hire a governess." Lydia began to cry. "Lydia that is precisely why I decided to hire one, you need to be more of a lady as do you Catherine. Ladies do not cry out as such. I have written to my brother Phillips and he has acquired a list of reasonable governesses." He held up the paper. "Elizabeth along with your help we can interview the potential hires together, if you would oblige me. Your thoughts on this matter mean a great deal to me."
"Of course father."
"Mary, I understand that you have a greater desire to play music better? Well if that be the case, an amount of time will be set aside for music lessons each day which you may be a part of. Are there any questions?" It was Kitty who replied.
"Lizzy, when is the baby coming?" She asked.
"In September." Elizabeth replied looking to her stomach at the miniature bump which could just barely be seen through her empire-waist dress. Kitty began doing the math in her head and then realized her sister was nearly halfway through her increasing and her confinement would soon begin.
"Lizzy, when were you going to tell us?" Kitty almost looked hurt.
"Once I have passed the critical time and I feel the quickening. I was going to tell you within the next two weeks at most. I myself am still struggling to believe it as fact. That is the reason why I have been taking meals in my room. Mary knew, I had to tell her early on as we have been sharing a room. She has assisted when the baby decided he or she was not in favor of what I had just previously consumed." She laughed wholeheartedly. "I fear I must inform mama of the news as well." She looked uneasy.
"Would you like us to assist you Lizzy?" Mary asked.
"No I must do this on my own, if she find out that you all knew before her there would never again be peace at Longbourn and that is a punishment I should not wish to inflict on any of you."
"Would you like us to assist you Lizzy?" Mary asked.
"No I must do this on my own, if she find out that you all knew before her there would never again be peace at Longbourn and that is a punishment I should not wish to inflict on any of you."
It was above ten minutes before Mrs. Bennet was revived upon hearing the news of her daughter's increasing. Elizabeth left the room as she began to wake to avoid the inevitable crowing from her mother. Upon Mrs. Bennet's revival she requested the carriage to tell the news to Lady Lucas. Her request was denied.
"Mr. Bennet, but I must tell our neighbors of our good fortune. Now I will not be thrown to the hedgerows!" Her countenance full of joy.
"My dear, first off the child could be born a girl, if that is the case then the next heir to the estate would be able to claim their rights to Longbourn upon my demise. Also, even if it is born a boy, I would have to live long enough for him to grow old enough to manage the estate; which would be another sixteen or seventeen years at the earliest."
"Oh Mr. Bennet, you take great delight in vexing me. You have no compassion on my poor nerves."
"I have the highest respect for your nerves my dear, they have been my old friends these twenty years. But Elizabeth wishes for her increasing to be kept private as long as may be. As this is her news, you will respect her wishes Fanny."
For the second time of late Fanny Bennet did what was asked of her regarding her family. She loved her daughters in her own way. Her love came in the form of overbearance and continual talk of lace and ribbons. That talk came out of fear of the entail, of not knowing what would become of them, now that she knew, she was determined to make amends with her second daughter. She went in search of her. She found her in the room she shared with Mary.
"Mary, will you please excuse us?" Mrs. Bennet asked. Mary looked to her older sister, upon seeing a confirmation in the form of a head nod Mary left and closed the door behind her. Fanny looked to her daughter, she could see how her increasing was affecting her. For the first time, she saw the beauty within Elizabeth's character and in her face. Had she not been so mad at her daughter, she could have seen the signs and begun to help her prepare for the newest arrival to the family. Here was a strong woman about to raise a child without a father, but even alone to the minds of society, she would not be alone. For she had a family to help, if she wanted it.
"Elizabeth, I must talk to you." Her screeching from before now gone, her voice was nearly soothing. This was a very rare occasion indeed. Fanny looked to her daughter square in the face and continued. "I wanted to tell you that I...I am sorry. I am sorry for all I've done to you. I know now how I have neglected you. Instead of coming to me with your increasing you went to your sisters and father. None of which have experienced what you are currently facing. I wish that I could have been a better mother to you. I should not have looked down upon you or your character. You are beautiful. I should never said that you were not. If you would like my assistance through the rest of your increase and through your confinement I would be honored to help you."
Elizabeth thought for a moment. Her mother apologizing for all the scorn she had put her through. Yet Elizabeth was uncertain if she was quite ready to forgive the woman.
"Mama, I appreciate your apology and accept it, but that does not mean we will suddenly be as close as you seem to be with Jane or Lydia. Despite your sentiments, your actions have forced me into my present situation. Albeit however unconsciously done, I am sure you did not wish me to be widowed. But, I would like your assistance in procuring a midwife, I don't know what qualifies a good choice and as you have done so five times, you are more experienced than anyone else in my acquaintance."
"I would be greatly honored to help in any way I can Elizabeth." Tears began to stream down the faces of both mother and daughter. They reached for the other into a loose embrace to ensure Elizabeth's comfort, but they held onto each other for quite some time. For but a moment, they were content as mother and daughter. This would be a moment both would look back upon with great pleasure for the rest of their lives.