Glee and its character belong to Fox Networks. I only borrow them for my story.
Though Carmen and the other new character coming up jumped out of my brain :-)
Appologies for the long wait. The next chapter will come a bit quicker, I promise!
Chapter 21
Quinn got up from the bed, straightened her hair, and took a deep breath. She opened the door and almost ran into Rachel who was poised in the doorway, one hand raised as if wanting to knock.
Both women stood still, only their eyes were moving, roaming each other's face, each of them exuding longing, regret, and hope.
Slowly Rachel let her arm sink. "I am sorry, Quinn. I truly am. You showed me nothing but love, acceptance, and support all this time. I was wrong to accuse you of such a horrible intention. I feel really ashamed about what I said to you." All the time she held Quinn's gaze, trying hard not to look away and waver. Quinn really needed to understand how she felt and that she meant every word of what she said.
"You gave me back my self-worth. I have learned to see myself from a different perspective because of you. I learned that if you open yourself up, anything is possible. Any obstacle can be tackled. You offer me an anchor and still you let me venture forward, you helped me stand and still you did not stand in my way. Your love made me grow. It gives me clarity and helps me see beyond outer layers. I have started to like the picture I see of me reflected in your eyes."
Her words caused the pain in Quinn's eyes to lift, as if dark clouds were chased away by a strong wind. Rachel found herself enfolded into a warm embrace and she did not hesitate to wrap her arms around the other body. She leaned her head against Quinn's shoulder and tightened her embrace. She felt Quinn place a soft kiss on her hair, one hand on the small of her back, pressing Rachel against her taller frame. Quinn's other hand rested between the smaller woman's shoulder blades. Rachel felt that through these two hands, through that loving kiss and the tight embrace, the doubts and fears did not have any chance to re-surface.
The strong arms around her loosened. Rachel lifted her head and gazed into Quinn's beautiful face. She desperately wanted the light back in Quinn's eyes and even though the heavy dark clouds had disappeared, the color of her eyes was still a shade of green that reminded Rachel of a storm shaken forest.
Quinn then slowly drifted backwards and motioned for Rachel to come and sit on the bed with her. Rachel felt her girlfriend's fingers slide along her arm until a hand held hers, and she let herself gently being pulled onto the mattress. She seated herself cross legged in front of Quinn who gave her a shaky smile, apparently still moved by Rachel's words.
I am sorry that I pushed you into a direction you did not want to go.
Quinn rested her hands for a moment. Rachel noticed that Quinn could not fight back the tears she had so bravely managed to hold until now. Then she watched Quinn's thoughts and feelings being transformed into signs.
I will let you choose your own pace and not force anything upon you. Just know that I will do whatever it takes to help you grow further and stand up tall.
She paused again to wipe her eyes. Rachel felt her own tears wind their way across her cheeks, one hand of hers rested on Quinn's knee as she watched the other woman's hands move through the air between them.
Thank you. Thank you for what you said. They… They are the most wonderful, touching and meaningful words anyone has ever told me. It makes me love you so much more, god … she took a deep and shuddering breath … I wish I could tell you how much I love you, Rachel.
With those words, a small smile appeared on Quinn's face, she bent forward, and Rachel felt her place a very soft and gentle kiss on her lips. Instinctively she leaned against the soft flesh, placing her hand on Quinn's neck, losing herself in the tender exchange.
It would have been easy to back out now and leave the whole episode at that. But Rachel knew, she had to tell Quinn the whole truth, she had to be completely honest for Quinn to understand what had made her react in such a way. Even if it meant digging up things that she would like to keep buried for a while longer or never mention at all.
"Quinn, we agreed that we need to be honest with each other and that we need to understand what is going on in each other's heads." The blond woman gave a nod.
"I carried a couple of things in my mind these last days that kept accumulating and when you touched upon it, it just made me flip." Rachel rubbed her forehead with her right hand, trying to sort her thoughts. "Yesterday wasn't such a good day. It threw me back into my old life, only noticing that it did not exist anymore. I learned how others might perceive my disability and… and it just made me sick. Had I known what would be thrown right into my face, I would have never agreed to go." She let out a short cold laugh.
"I told you I met my former manager. Sharon wrote me an e-mail, asking me how I was and there were things we needed to discuss, which should not be dealt with via e-mail. I did not want to see her. I just didn't get what she wanted from me. When Sharon still insisted on seeing me personally, I finally agreed to a meeting and I asked Carmen to accompany me as an interpreter."
Did Sharon know about your accident?
Rachel nodded. "Yes. I had – well, someone had to tell her at some point. I needed to get all the contracts revoked. She and Melissa were the only ones from my professional field who knew what had happened. It sounds a little paranoid but I made them both sign an agreement that they had to keep silent about my injuries. I would not have been able to stand all the stupid and false headlines with all the drama and fake sympathies should they have made a public announcement. Also, I did not want my colleagues or anyone else from the show business to pity me and then see them turn around and walk back to their lives that I once shared but could not go back to."
Quinn scooted next to her girlfriend and wrapped her arms around her waist. Rachel leaned into her and let herself be held for a long moment as she remembered the meeting and then told Quinn what had happened on that day.
…/\.…...(Flashback)…../\…..
Carmen had re-arranged her schedule so she could accompany Rachel to her meeting. A couple of days ago, Quinn had confessed to Rachel that she told Carmen about her having been a singer on Broadway before the accident. Rachel had not been angry, in fact, the look on Quinn's face when she came clean about her slip of tongue was so cute and so full of guilt that Rachel just had to kiss her.
The fact that Carmen was now aware of Rachel's history made it easier to ask her to interpret at the meeting. It saved Rachel a long explanation about her own background and what this upcoming meeting had to do with her former career. Now she only needed to fill Carmen in about Sharon's role.
In the cab, on their way to Rachel's former manager, Carmen asked if she was nervous. Out of a habit, Rachel signed in parallel while she spoke with Carmen and vice versa, just as they did during their lessons.
"Yes, I am. I don't know what she wants that could not be discussed via e-mail."
Well, maybe she would just like to see you in person, Rachel. Maybe she is still worried about you.
"Yeah, well, rather about her contracts, I think."
Why, are there still any open contract issues?
Rachel shook her head. "No. I mean any new potential ones. She probably wants to see if I could be used again."
Used again? The young woman watched Carmen give her a questioning look. That sounds like you were some kind of tool. Isn't that a bit harsh?
Rachel sighed. "Yeah, I guess. I just … I don't know. You know, I chose Sharon because I knew she was one of the best. She had the best contacts, the best connections. In this business nothing works without 'Vitamin C'. Once you were introduced into this elaborate network and made your standing, you were lucky. The toughest thing though is getting in first. With someone like Sharon, your chances increase immensely to be welcomed into that inner circle." The petite woman let her eyes drift from Carmen's face to the window, watching several cars go by before she turned her attention back to her.
"Sharon could be a bitch if you crossed her on a personal level. Luckily, I was mostly on good terms with her. But just because I was one of the best horses in her stable. It would be a lie to say that she did not earn good money through me." Rachel gave a bitter laugh. "But that's what it's like in this business. Either you perform at your best, or you drop quicker than a bag of stones. It's all about the money and not about the person behind it. And I am guessing that is what this meeting will be about."
She turned her head and looked out of the window again. She wished Quinn were here with her. Her presence would give her comfort and strength. But she had not even told her girlfriend that she would meet her manager, somehow feeling that she had to do this on her own. This meeting brought her closer in touch with her past than anything else during the past months. She was not sure how well she would stomach it. Maybe she had also chosen to not tell Quinn anything about it because she would certainly want to know how it went. And Rachel might need some time to digest it, wanting to choose her own timing for a talk about this topic.
She became aware of a hand on her arm, reluctantly turning her attention back to Carmen.
Rachel, you always have the choice to turn around. You don't have to do this. Even if we go inside, you can choose to walk out at any moment. Don't forget that you are in charge of you own life, even in such moments, ok?
Rachel had to let the words sink in before she could answer. "I know. Thank you for reminding me," and she managed a small smile for her teacher. After having met Santana the other day, she now noticed some resemblance between the two women. The black hair, the slender figure, the dark eyes. She would have to ask Quinn if Carmen also reminded her of Santana.
Thinking of her former high school friend made her wonder what she was doing. Would she need an apartment here? What had Quinn said? She currently lived with her relatives. Well, it was nice that they took her in, but Rachel guessed – knowing Santana – that this was only a temporary solution. Staying in New York City and being the independent spirit she was, Santana would probably not be happy living long under her aunt's supervision, especially not at her age. Maybe she and Quinn could help Santana find a place to stay.
The cab stopped at the curb and Rachel was plucked from her musings. She dug out her wallet and paid the fare after reading the amount in the review mirror where the sum was displayed in red digital numbers. She told the driver to keep the change and noticed that he threw her a strange look as if wondering which of the two women now were deaf.
It was strange to enter the familiar building where her former manager had her office. She clamped down the memories that threatened to appear before her inner eye. It would have been easy imagining she was just on her way to sign another contract for the next performance. Rachel shook her head slightly to not head down that road. It would make facing reality just too much harder.
They took the elevator to the sixth floor. Walking down the hallway, Rachel stopped in front of a glass-encased entry. Behind it, one could see a receptionist's desk and some offices to the right and left down a corridor behind the counter. Bracing herself, Rachel breathed deeply and pulled the door open. Apparently, Rose, the former receptionist had retired, as she had planned for the past two years Rachel had known her. Just as well that the new person did not know her. Less to explain.
She bravely walked up to the woman who was sitting like a gatekeeper at the beginning of the hallway behind her huge desk that easily could have fitted two other people without any of them having to worry about space.
When she had the woman's attention, she gave her name and stated whom she was here to see.
"Good morning, I am Rachel Berry and I have an appointment with Mrs. Basont." She tried to pronounce the last name correctly in French, the way Sharon always had insisted on when introducing herself to someone.
Rachel guessed that behind the woman's lip movements were words along the line of "one moment", as she bent her head and glanced at the calendar in front of her. Then she reached for the phone as one of the doors in the back opened. Rachel noticed Sharon step out and the older woman lifted her hand shortly greeting when she saw her. She said something and the receptionist gestured the two waiting women in the direction of the offices.
The tall, grey haired woman held the door open and invited them inside with a gesture.
"Hello Sharon. Good to see you again," Rachel smiled politely. The difference in age and the greying hair gave her a slight motherly touch. Even though Rachel did not let herself be deterred by her appearance. Sharon was one of the toughest businesswomen Rachel knew.
She watched Sharon step closer, as if unsure if she could approach Rachel. Interesting. The brunette had never seen her waver before, she usually was always in control of a situation. Now she seemed to be waiting for Rachel to make the next step. For her benefit, Rachel replaced the polite smile with a genuine one. That seemed to send the right signal as the other woman closed the gap and gave Rachel a quick hug and a warm smile. Then she turned towards Carmen.
"Sharon, this is Carmen Rodalba. She is my… ASL teacher and she will be my interpreter today," Rachel stated cautiously and quietly. At her last words, she saw Sharon's face fall for the tiniest bit, recovering so quickly that she almost thought she had imagined it. Her ex-manager wouldn't expect that she was ok again, or would she? Rachel had the notion that her original gut feeling she had voiced in the cab did seem to be right.
The two other women briefly shook hands and Carmen raised her hands to relay the short exchange to her student.
"Nice to meet you."
Sharon turned back towards Rachel and motioned for them to sit on the couch next to the office door. Rachel chose the offered seat, but Carmen took up the seat next to Sharon. This way she could easily interpret while Rachel had both of them in her view. The former singer noticed that this action earned her a sideways look from the manager, so the interpreter quickly explained why she had chosen this seat. What the older woman then thought about the seating arrangement, she did not let on. Instead she turned her attention back to Rachel.
"Rachel, I am glad you came. I did not want to write any more e-mails. I wanted to see for myself how you were." She quickly glanced at Carmen and waited the short moment until she had relayed her words.
Seeing the dubious look on the young woman's face she added as a way of explanation: "Please don't get me wrong, I have no hidden agenda or any other intentions."
Rachel narrowed her eyes a little, trying to gauge the meaning behind the words. She remembered what Carmen had said in the cab.
She was in control of her life. Whenever she felt uncomfortable, she could chose to go. Or use this situation to her advantage. This thought surprised her. Why did she have the feeling that something was off, that Sharon was not really saying the truth?
She raised her hands. Carmen, I need your help. Please describe to me how she sounds. She is hard to read and I am not sure…I have a strange feeling.
Instinctively Carmen had not voiced Rachel's signs aloud and also responded in silence.
Follow your instincts. I know what you mean, but I cannot pinpoint it. Trust your feelings, Rachel.
Ok. Though I don't feel like talking. I have the feeling of … I don't know, exposing myself.
Rachel, that is absolutely ok. I'll speak for you.
Rachel nodded gratefully, then looked at Sharon and continued signing, while Carmen spoke Rachel's little half lie aloud.
"(I am sorry, Sharon, Carmen needed to repeat something for me, she was a bit fast just now.)"
Sharon nodded at that, apparently slightly confused why Rachel did not speak herself as she had done so just minutes ago. At least that was what Rachel deducted from the short flicker of Sharon's eyes between her hands and Carmen. The former singer wondered if Sharon was aware of her raised eyebrow which also hinted at her lack of understanding. Rachel continued signing, while Carmen spoke the words for her.
"(To be honest, I was wondering why you wanted to see me in person. Just to know how I am? That I could have written to you in an e-mail.)"
Sharon's grey eyes rested on Rachel's features. She did not say anything at first, just kept on looking. Rachel tried not to squirm beneath the scrutiny.
Her life, her control, she reminded herself. Right.
So Rachel studied her back, narrowing her eyes slightly. She noticed again that Sharon seemed uncomfortable. How could that be? This woman possessed one of the strongest self-control mechanisms that Rachel had ever witnessed. Though she was sure that Sharon would not tolerate that feeling for much longer. Something would tip, either way. And just as this last notion had formed itself, Sharon spoke again.
"You know, Rachel, I was always surprised about your performance. As petite as you are, as strong and grand was your voice. Judging by your vocal range and pitch, you should stand a lot taller than the actual size you are," Sharon chuckled.
Rachel only quirked her eyebrow, wondering what this was about and where Sharon was heading. The smile that followed Sharon's chuckle did not reach her eyes and that worried Rachel. Sharon had never been mean to her. Tough, yes, but never mean or unfair. But Rachel had witnessed twice by chance how Sharon could react if someone went against her or angered her in any other way. She was just glad to never have been on the receiving end of those verbal smack downs. Back then she had thought that Sue Sylvester was a tame poodle compared to Sharon Basont.
The younger woman exchanged a quick glance with her teacher. Apparently, Carmen was as uncomfortable with the situation as she was. Rachel narrowed her eyes and studied Sharon again, not saying anything. Instinctively she tried to shield herself from whatever was coming next. She debated whether to just stand up and leave. But her curiosity won the better of her as her former manager continued speaking.
"Well, I guess that's irrelevant now," the older woman sighed. She added an explanation as she noticed Rachel's questioning look.
"You know, people are asking about you. They have not forgotten you. Yet. I know a lot about the little tactics of actors to get attention and play out the drama to make themselves interesting. I can understand all this, you taking time off because of your accident and making a big secret out of it. Don't get me wrong, I am not implying you faked the crash, god, no! But really, don't you think it's about time to come out of your hiding and stop the act?" With the last words, Sharon made a dismissive gesture in Carmen's direction.
"What?" In her astonishment at those words, Rachel was too stunned to sign. Slowly she moved her head in a small shake, disbelief covering her features. "Let me get that straight. You think I am just pretending? To make a big come back?"
She was torn between laughter and white hot rage. How could this woman sit there so calmly and accuse her of faking all this? That she had "done" all this just to get more attention in the lime light? Rachel still felt it hard to believe that any person would think of such a hideous thing, let alone Sharon. Rachel did not doubt that there really were singers or actors who had to invent personal drama to place themselves in the hard fought spot light. For whatever reason would she, just when she had snatched the lead role in her all-time favorite musical, pull such a stunt that Sharon accused her of? It was beyond Rachel. If to go by Carmen's raised eyebrows and open stare, she apparently felt the same.
She definitely did not feel like laughing anymore. The rage won over.
"Sharon, do you really think I am faking all this," she made a gesture towards her right ear and then to Carmen, "…to make myself more interesting? Have you any idea what I have been through the past six months? I can't believe what you are implying!"
Rachel held her gaze locked on the grey eyes opposite of her. They betrayed no feelings. None at all. It was so frustrating!
Then Sharon's lips moved again and Rachel had to shift her gaze again a little to the side towards Carmen's hands.
"Rachel, honestly. You come here, play this deaf act, bring an interpreter and yet you sit here and talk to me in your normal voice and ask me to believe that you can't hear what I am saying? In any case I really thought you would have gotten your act together by now. Turns out it does not seem to be. If it's not for the sake of drama and attention, then the only other reason I could think of you playing this ruse is to get out of your contracts with me. You are just probably biting your tongue now so you can come back after a decent amount of time with whoever offered you more money or better conditions or whatever. You know what, I the hell don't care anymore. I don't know how far you want to carry this out, but for me," and she made a sweeping movement with her flat hand away from her body, "this game is over here! I am done with you." She finished with a very quick, cold smile flitting across her face.
Rachel's eyes went wide in disbelief as she read Carmen's translation. She felt her stomache clench, her breath caught in her throat. Rachel had expected many things, but not this. She tried to keep on breathing.
So that was how it felt to be despised by Sharon Basont. Because it was nothing other she felt in the words, posture, gaze and most probably sound of this woman's voice. She noticed that Sharon wanted to say more, but Rachel stalled her with a raised hand, not leaving Carmen's eyes. She had to reassure herself. It was more to give her hands something other to do than clenching them so hard in her lap that they started hurting. In her heart she knew she had understood correctly.
Carmen, did she really say this? I am not sure if I got it right.
Carmen hesitated just a moment too long with her answer. Rachel knew that she had not misread the words.
Yes. She did say it. Word by word. I am sorry Rachel. The teacher threw her an apologetic smile.
The petite woman held her gaze for a moment longer, then nodded very slowly. She forced herself to hold up a shield, to repel the hurtful words the older woman had thrown at her. She would not give in. She would not break down in front of this woman.
Rachel took a deep breath.
"Do you think this is some kind of game? That I did this to get out of your contracts or just draw more attention to myself with a little drama? What do you want me to do, show you all the hospital records?" Rachel shook her head in disbelief. "Honestly, just because I can still speak, does not necessarily mean I can hear. I have trained my voice for all my life. That is the only reason why I might not 'sound' deaf now. But believe me, I have been told that this will most probably deteriorate over time. I possibly will lose some of my ability to inflect my voice correctly the longer I can't hear. What kind of person are you really, Sharon, to think I would put my life's dream on the line just for one fucking little game of fame?"
Despite her inner force shield, Rachel could barely manage to hold the tears in check. She had not told Quinn what she had just told Sharon. The fact that her intonation might suffer over time was something that was chewing hard inside her. She had not wanted to speak much before, but now with Quinn in her life, she actually enjoyed the little advantage she still had by using her voice and seeing how her girlfriend reacted to it. She did not want to lose this part, too.
Inwardly, Rachel berated herself for having taken bait to the provocation the manager had thrown in front of her. She should have gotten up at the first hint of false play that that woman had displayed. Rachel refused to call her by her name anymore, even in her thoughts. She did not deserve it anymore. Sharon Basont had become a persona non grata to Rachel.
Rachel had not expected an answer nor did she want to get one. She was done. Without preamble, she took her purse, stood, mustered a smile for Carmen and strode out the door.
While exiting the building and all during the cab ride back, Rachel still had to fight hard to hold the emotions back from overwhelming her. She was glad that Carmen did not try to address her. She needed all her strength to continue breathing and biting down the tears that hovered at the rim of her eyes. The car dropped them in front of the Community Center and Carmen pulled Rachel inside her office.
The shield Rachel still had bravely held up her with the last reserve dropped there and Sharon's words that had been hovering just outside her reach then hit full mark. Rachel could not stop them from drilling through her skin. She sank into the chair in front of Carmen's desk and buried her face in her hands, letting go of her resolve.
The dark haired woman knelt in front of Rachel and pressed her head against her shoulder, holding her while she cried.
Carmen was a teacher first and foremost. She only worked as an official interpreter in rare cases. She had agreed to come with Rachel because she was her student and because she truly wanted to support her.
Carmen had watched her finally escape her cocoon and slowly make new friends over the past weeks, gradually fighting her way back into life. She wanted to help in any case for Rachel to broaden her experience. However, no one could have guessed that this meeting would turn out the way it had. It was hard having to witness Rachel to face such viciousness and thoughtlessness. And having to be the one person who had to relay the hurtful words to her one by one. That really pained Carmen. She almost felt like she had said them. Another reason why she did not work more often as an interpreter. She could not detach herself enough from the conversations. It was sometimes too hard.
When Rachel's sobs died down, the teacher grabbed a box of tissues from her desk and held it in front of her.
"Thanks." The small woman wiped her eyes, then balled the tissue in her fist, staring at her lap. With a shaky voice she said: "Thank you for coming with me and for interpreting. I am sorry that I involved you in this very awkward situation, though."
Oh, Rachel, please don't apologize for that! You couldn't have known that this woman would be such a heartless bitch. This is not our fault, ok?
Rachel gave her a small nod.
Come here, and Carmen gave her student a hug, before continuing.
As hard as this is, don't let that throw you back. You have come so far over the past two weeks, I don't want you to fall back into a depressive state. If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. If you want to talk about this, come to me or call me on Skype. No matter what the time. Just promise me you won't let that selfish harpy get the better of you.
You are strong, Rachel. And you will find you way.
Despite herself the former actress had to smile. "Ok." She looked at the clock on the wall. "I think I should get going, I have taken up enough of your time already. Thank you again, for coming with me. See you tomorrow at ten."
Slowly she got up, gathered her things and walked home, longing for her sanctuary. She needed to get back her bearings and for this day she was done with meeting people.
…/\.../\...
Rachel shifted her position on the bed and stretched her legs. She took one of Quinn's hands and absentmindedly rubbed her thumb over the back of it.
"Now you know why I was not really in the best of moods yesterday evening when you called me. I was short of not answering your call at all. I just wanted to be left alone, I did not want to have to justify or explain myself anymore."
She laughed in disbelief. "Of all treatments I have experienced by people since I became deaf, this one was the most humiliating of all. I felt ridiculed beyond means. Just because at a fist glance you cannot always see my kind of disability that does not make it less prominent, at least not for the person suffering from it. Apparently, if you do not act or look or sound according to some people's expectations when having any kind of handicap, you seem to be a fraud." She took a deep breath.
"I mean, I knew that woman could be mean and nasty, but that was just shameless." Rachel felt the anger coming back when she thought of the elder woman's pokerface, bare of emotions. "How can anyone be so … ruthless? She didn't even know all the facts, just jumped to conclusions, this … this…" She failed to come up with a fitting attribute and let out an angry and frustrated: "Ugh!," hitting the mattress with her fist.
Quinn slowly pulled her hand back after squeezing Rachel's shortly and disentangled herself from her. Quinn hurt for Rachel, hurt for her having had to face such callousness. She felt a cold white rage coming to life in her stomach. It was a familiar feeling. Quinn had tried to not act on its impulse anymore over the past years as she so often had done in high school, and she had almost always managed to vanquish it and solve the situation by other means than by lashing out. But now it was welcome and she let it grow inside. She had a target that deserved to be the aim of that anger and hurt.
She saw the disbelief and pain still shimmer in those brown eyes and she desperately wanted to rip Sharon Basont's heart out, had she had one.
JPElles: I tried to read the article you mentioned, but the site always froze, still I'll keep trying, sounds very interesting. Anyway, during the search for it I came across some other interesting articles regarding the capabilities of human hearing in regards to judge and measure sounds in terms of distances and different pitches etc.. That was quite fascinating to read. Thanks for pointing that original article out to me!