A/N Wow this is short compared to last time! Oh well. I had to write this one short for various reasons, but hopefully it won't be long until the next update!

WARNING: This is sad...very sad...

I was too tired to read over this so sorry if there's mistakes.

Thanks to everyone who's reviewed in the past! They make me smile!

ME4427

21. Drowning in Sorrow

[Finn's POV]

I sit on the beach watching the tranquillity of the waves. The sand is warm from the sun's beating glare fixed on it constantly, but I find the heat to be overwhelming rather than calming like usual. Today there is nothing close to usual going about.

I can't decide how long I've been here but I figure it must be a while. As the hours pass, I just become number and number to the whole world, so-much-so, that the hunger I originally felt from lack of food subsided into nothingness. Finally, the camera's that previously stalked my movements and framed my face, have left me or lost me, which brings the closest thing to happiness I've felt in a while.

It's not uncommon for me to sit on this beach and mourn my life. The gentle breeze that hugs me as it passes, the waves that chirp happily as they lap each other, the sand that cushions my fall- they all are my only means of comfort, the ones who won't judge me, and for that I am grateful. But I can't help wish they were Carmen.

I pushed her away from me and I miss her so much to a degree that physically hurts me. I meant it when I said I need her, because without her I'm nothing at all, and I'm the worst version of myself. Before and after the worst of me, she's there to help heal my soul and mend my aching bones. Where is she now? I shouldn't depend on her like I do because she deserves far better than I can offer her but when I sit here and cry, I realise I do need her.

I need her to be able to breathe, more than my lungs.

I need her to be able to feel, more than my fingers.

I need her to be able to smile, more than my lips.

I need her to be able to live, more than my heart.

But I don't have her so I can't breathe, and I can't feel, and I can't smile, and I can't live.

Remembering the way that we used to be hurts me a lot, but I can't help doing it. I love to think of the way I got to watch her lying asleep in my arms, and everything was perfect. But I worry that she'll just forget me, or worse regret me.

Her blue eyes own me and I miss her so very much because of it; they melt my heart.

I tried pretending to be okay, but that just backfired, didn't it? She hates me now. I didn't think I needed her, but I was so very wrong.

Longing to feel her hand in mine while we both try to figure this out, but unfortunately, it's just my perfect fantasy. She's always here.

I should have stayed a moment longer with her, because now everything we worked for has been washed away.

Now she won't even return my letters; there's no memory of me left. I want to believe this isn't real and she still loves me, but I'm wasting my time; it's not me on her mind.

Now I see her face in the crowds but it's never really her that I'm looking at, just a cruel mirage. I've tried my best but all my letters will not do, no matter how many times I tell you I was wrong, so I'm just holding on. I want to tell her I love her. I feel like my life is sinking and my love is drowning.

I wish I could have been there for my mother when she's ill, and unlike Carmen thinks, I do love her and I want to be with her, but I simply can't. I can't bring myself to look at her when she's weak, when she's vulnerable, because it tears me into a million pieces and I can't…I just can't. It seems to me, that I've lost everyone right now, everyone I love.

The tears that drip down my from my eyes soak me to the skin, so I scramble from my place and walk slowly towards the water. When I'm in water, my pain can be concealed and I can wash the memories from my sunken eyes and dead smile, from sleepless nights. As I walk, I don't feel like I'm myself, almost as if I'm a ghost to my own eyes, and it scares me. This is truly my dark side.

The sand scrapes my feet as I walk, but when I reach the water it feels like a fresh paradise that's truthfully irresistible to me. I feel like a wave on the sea of desperation, like I don't have to pretend that I reach the marks of perfection. My surface beauty is wearing thin and my inner beauty is long burnt out. I imagine this is how a desert feels in the rain, or an attempt to calm the swelling sea.

The sea dilutes my pain.

I run my rough fingers through its thin demeanour as I plunge deeper into its current.

My body creeps further and further into the water before me, without ceasing, almost as if this is my challenge to overcome. More and more of my body become cleanses until I reach the point where the tip of my chin caresses the water. My feet remain firmly planted in the sand and stones beneath me. The scene reminds me of words that Carmen once said to me,

"We're like sea and land you know." She said with a smile.

I laughed, "Really? How's that then?"

"We're usually so far apart, but there are those times when we come together, and those are the best times for both of us; we unite as one."

"Wow. Look at you, you poet!" I mocked.

"Whatever Finn! Also, you basically are the sea considering how much time you spend in it!"

"You can't talk! How much time are you in the forest?"

"See that's what I mean, I'm the land."

And it became my favourite metaphor for us, because I realised it was so very true. The thing is though, what are the two elements without each other?

That's not why I'm here though. That's not why I wrote that letter to her. That's not why I said I wanted to die.

I want to die because I realised who I am.

When I was growing up, I heard the constant comparisons with my father and I, and I found it hard to be my own person. Then, as I got older, I started hating who I became. I wondered whether my father really was like me at all, but I hoped not, else I'd have to hate him too. But that wasn't the side of me that was awful. The side that I truly do loathe is this one, where I'm spiteful and cruel to the people I care about, where I run home scared and lonely, where I can't even face my own mother and be there when she needs me.

I am the worst kind of person.

And the world would be a better place without me.

So for once in my pitiful life, I'm going to do everyone I love something nice, something to help them.

I look out at my home just on the crust of the beach and I think of my mother bed-ridden there. I look out at the vast ocean that I always wondered where led. I look my hands and think of the way it felt when I touched Carmen. I say goodbye.

Scooping up water is hard, but I manage to get some to splash on my face to awaken my senses.

I dip my head under once, then again, then again, and then I stop and don't come up again. I dive down and my mouth opens to let the water flow freely in. It burns my throat and my eyes but I continue. As much as I need to go back up, I don't. I start to choke and crave the sweet taste of air as my senses explode, probably along with my organs.

I think of mum, and I think of Carmen, and I think of life.

I breathe in more water until the world goes black.

A/N So what did you think of that?

Reviews inspire me to write more :)

ME4427