A/N: This is a kinda side piece. The idea kept popping into my head and was getting annoying, so I wrote it. It doesn't really fit in any place in particular, but I don't really want to make a whole new story for it. If people like it, I might break it off into its own thing and do more.
After a brief flicker, the screen came to life, showing a cartoonish landscape. Bright green grass ended a quarter way up the screen in a straight line, giving way to a bright blue backdrop of sky. In the upper corner a bright yellow rotating sun smiled merrily as puffy white clouds drifted by.
Then, with a loud *ding!* sound, an equally cute, animated quarian popped into existence. The quarian wore a bright red realk over their evirosuit.
"Hello!" the cartoon exclaimed cheerfully, as it waved its stubby arm at the camera. "Welcome to Asari and You! I'll be your host, Xera'Raan vas Neema!"
The cartoon then stuck its hip out to one side as the fists plopped onto her hips. "Now, to get it out of the way, I am quarian! Yessir! I am a doctoral student from the Youletta School of Science and Medicine on Sur'Kesh! With honors even! So you can keep your racist streke to itself, fucker!"
"Now then!" cartoon Xera's voice shifted back to its loud and bubby tone, as before, as it floated to the left side of the screen.
"This," Xera said waving at the center as a true image of an asari dressed in a pair of shorts and a tank top appeared in a puff cartoon smoke. "Is an asari! As I'm sure you all know, or you wouldn't be here! Unless you are a perverted Xeno in the middle of your coming of age!"
Twirling in the air, the cartoon Xera giggled as it put a tiny finger over its speech indicator light on her helmet. "Well, if that's the case, and your guardians have not stopped or caught you, well done! I will be talking about sex, so you have that to look forward to!"
"Anyway, back to the asari," Xera indicated the figure again. "Starting at the basics, asari are of standard galactic configuration, in most aspects.
Asari have two arms, two legs, hands and feet on each respectively. They have two eyes, a nose with a pair of nostrils, one mouth."
"The asari mouth contains a tongue, which does all the standard tongue things. They also have forty teeth; the front ones for cutting, and the rear for grinding.
"Asari eyes are bifocal and see standard color wavelengths. Which is natural, considering they are the galactic standard!" Xera giggled as she did a little somersault.
"Now here," small red arrows appear over the the asari's head, pointing at its head crest. "The headcrest, known as Mallina, is made of semi flexible cartilage, that grows into shape. And, sorry to disappoint, but while it may look similar to tentacles to many species, they do not move!"
The figure of the asari turned to the side as the arrows moved to the back of the asari's neck.
"The back of the neck, where the crest shifts to the neck is known as the malliata. The folds of the malliata on the side of the head, just above the jaw, cover, and protect the asari's audio perception organs. Of which, by the way, the asari have four! Two on each side of the head!"
Turning back to the front, the camera zoomed in on the asari's face, and, true to the cartoon like imagery, the cartoon Xera bounced away off screen with a little *Yipe*
Xera drifted back onto screen holding its head as little cartoon rockets spun about her head. With a small shake of her head, Xera turned back to the camera with a giggle. "Looks like my camera drone got a little overzealous there, ha ha!"
"So! Anyway! Going to the asari face!" Xera floated over and pointed at the white lines that curved around the asari's eyes and forehead. "The facial markings are simdai, and they can vary greatly between asari in both design and color! Some beings think that the non-asari parent can influence the markings to a degree, but this is still a matter of galactic debate!"
"I happen to know this particular asari," Xera said cheerfully as she waved a hand over the asari in question, dramatically. "I can say for certain that the simdai markings do not extend beyond the face! I checked, very thoroughly, in the name of science!"
The cartoon Xera moved closer to the camera and held up a hand, covering the far half of her mouth as the glowing eyes narrowed. "I also knew her sister, checked her too. Ya know...for science!" she whispered conspiratorially.
As Xera floated back, the asari zoomed back out so the entire figure could be seen again. "Aaaannnnd, now for the part I am sure many of you young ones have been waiting for!"
Xera reached into a fold of her realk and pulled out a small wand that sparkled brilliantly. Spinning it over her head once, Xera struck the asari figure and the clothes it had been wearing exploded in a puff of cartoon smoke, leaving the asari figure nude.
"Tah dah!" Xera exclaimed before throwing the wand over her shoulder and off screen. There was a brief flash, along with the sound of an explosion as Xera flinched up into a half ball and looked over her shoulder. "Oops….umm….Sorry about that, Leggamon, ooohhh…"
Xera looked back to the camera then back off screen. "Think I need a new sound guy," Xera muttered before shrugging and moved back to the, now nude, asari.
"The skin pigment, known as cromsis, can range from a light periwinkle blue, through purple, to an almost black royal blue!" Xera exclaimed, holding up a figure before pausing. She then slowly lowered her hand and put a hand on her hip. "Really? Periwinkle? Couldn't come up with a better color shade name?"
"Whatever!" Xera popped back up with a flourish. "Seen here, asari have two breasts on their chest. Each breast then has a single nipple that they use to nurse young. The nipple is also a semi erogenous zone! I checked! For Science!"
Floating downward, Xera pointed at the asari's abdomen. "The trunk of the asari contains a full load of standard organs. Like, a blood pump, a toxin filter, digestive tract and so on. I'm not going to get into specific detail here though! That's waaaaay too boring for this video!"
"Interestingly, asari have a divot on their abdomen! Weird, huh?" Xera giggled as she floated in a circle. "It's actually a left over from the umbilical cord's connection!"
Floating over to the body, Xera waved a hand, and a cross section of the belly area appeared. "Asari, like most mammalian based races, bare live young, which they carry inside their body in a womb."
"Now, the kinda weird part, is that as a monogendered species, the asari carries a series of eggs, like females of most dual gendered species. When they reproduce, which I will get to in a moment, the egg is released into the womb where it undergoes the standard growing process."
"Attached to the womb, is a birthtube, that leads to the outside. The tube is of tough flesh and is lined with muscles that are used, obviously, to push the infant from the parent's body."
"The process of reproducing, which is not self cloning, despite what many people seems to think. Neddele," Xera growled pointedly off camera for a moment before nodding and turning back to the camera.
"In fact, the process involves tapping into the other parent and using its DNA as a template, they randomize a copy of their own DNA. This process takes into account the lending parent's traits, when creating the zygote."
"Now…." Xera waved her hand at the camera. "C'mere…"
The camera, then, zoomed in super close to her helmet. To the point that all the viewer could only see the cartoon reflection of a cartoon drone in her mask.
"Ummm….too close," Xera grumbled as her hand reached up and pushed the camera away some, still close, but the viewer could now see the whole of Xera's upper torso. "We are about to get to the bits most of you probably came for. The naughty bits!"
Giggling, Xera shoved the camera away, where it floated back to a normal distance as the asari shifted to a point that highlighted the asari's nether region.
"And! No real genitals in the traditional sense," Xera chuckled while shaking her head. "Sorry to burst your bubble there guys, but the asari don't have penises, so they don't really have a need for a vagina."
"In fact!" Xera tapped the side of her helmet, where her jaw should be. "The lack of sexual nerves in the area make child birth not nearly as difficult as it is for turians and quarians. And humans, or so I have been told. I have not gotten a chance to….examine one of those. Yet. For science!"
Turning to look at the asari, Xera shrugged before turning back to the camera. "That being said, the asari birth canal is lined with a tough, resilient flesh, and the vulva is open and flexible enough that it can accommodate another species penis. As long as the male starts slow and uses lots of lubricant. The asari, as they have told me in several scientific interviews, don't get much out of it personally, though they do enjoy their partner's pleasure. A couple mentioned kinda liking the act and described it as an internal muscle massage."
Zooming back out, Xera floated up to the asari's head, and seemingly leaned an elbow on it. "The real fun stuff from sex with asari all happens right up here!" Xera laughed heartily as she patted the asari on the forehead.
"While having sex for pleasure, the asari are able to link their nervous system with their partner's allowing them to feel the same pleasure! How awesome is that?!" Xera exclaimed, with her arms wide. "It really motivates them to drive their partner wild, as the better they do, they better they get to feel!"
"However," Xera shook a finger at the camera for a moment. "There is a completely different version of sex with an asari. Which they term, 'Joining'."
Xera crossed her arms and nodded sagely. "Joining is the same linking of nervous systems as standard sex, but taken to the nth degree. Both participants enter a kind of trancelike state, where, interestingly, the asari's eyes turn black. As a verbal cue that helps the asari focus, they use the term 'Embrace Eternity', and folks, I am not going to kid you, it is beyond words! I mean, wow!"
Giggling, Xera looked the asari figure over for a moment before turning back to the camera. "What I am not going to do here, is even attempt to describe what it is like. It is different with every species. Every gender. Every asari. Every time."
"However, what I will say, is what the cause is and how the connection happens," Xera's head tilted to one side as she chuckled. "So, sorry guys, sexy part is over!"
Snapping her fingers, the asari's flesh, seemingly, turned and walked away, leaving behind the skeleton and major sections of the nervous system.
Xera, meanwhile, floated in the air, staring at the spectacle. After a moment, her outstretched arms dropped limply to her side as she slowly turned to look off camera.
"What the det kazuat was that!" she nearly screamed, waving her arms in the air. "This is supposed to be an informational video! Not a cheap horror vid! Who came up with that?!"
Xera's helmet snapped between various points off screen as she gesticulated at them wildly. "Was it you?! You?! Ned?! It was Ned, wasn't it! Stupid bosh'tet! Seriously!"
With a final shudder, Xera looked back at the skeleton, then the camera. "Okay, well, if you are still here after that...incident. I'm proud of you. Sorry about that. Ugh."
"In an attempt to salvage this, I'm just going to push on," Xera sighed as the nervous system lit up.
"As all biotics, asari have nodes of element zero along their skeleton and nervous system," Xera indicated points along the skeleton. "And as a quick explanation, element zero produces mass effect fields when electrical current is passed through it. Meaning that with biotics, the body's natural electrical impulses activate the element zero nodes, creating the biotic effect."
"Asari, being the only know purely, and naturally occuring sentient biotic species, produce particularly strong neural impulses. Strong enough that they can generate biotics without an amp!" Xera shook her head at the asari skeleton.
"The point of all that, is that the neural impulses are strong enough to interact with another's neural system, creating the effects we went over in the sex and reproduction section. The impulses are, of course, not so strong as having the ability to fully override, or even influence another being's will, and the asari needs to physically touch the subject," Xera held up her hands slightly. "In fact, the act of Joining, requires a significant amount of effort and focus, leaving the asari exhausted at the end."
"Yes, there are a lot of horror tales about asari raping people's minds, or stealing secrets. Even altering personalities," Xera's voice and body language indicated that if the camera could see her face she would be rolling her eyes. "There has been no, absolutely no, evidence to indicate that asari could come close to being able to do anything like that. And trust me! There have been a lot of studies about it."
"Also, I should mention, that Joining is required for the asari to reproduce," Xera explained. "However, Joining does not always cause reproduction. In fact it is a conscious decision of the asari itself."
"So, yeah!" Xera happily turned to the camera and put her fists on her hips. "This was a quick and dirty run down of asari! I hope you enjoyed my third year thesis! Next year, look forward to 'Humans! Those Weird New Guys We Don't Know a Whole Lot About Yet'!"
Blinking out, the screen switched to a slowly rotating image of cartoon Xera as, what was clearly Xera's voice, hummed out a silly theme song outro.
Blinking, Commander Shepard turned to regard Tali for a moment. "And...they let her stay?" he asked incredulously.
Laughing lightly, Tali slapped him on the arm. "Not only did she stay, like she said, she was in the top honors program. Tali shifted her voice to sound deeper and more authoritative. "Apparently, the doctoral committee was so taken with the 'original and new format'."
"That is amazing in it's own way. But...did she really do one on humans?" Shepard sounded almost equal parts worried and intrigued.
"Yup," Tali confirmed with a giggle. "She did one on all the major species, except quarians. She actually got a stern talking to about that, but claimed cultural differences, so they let it go.
Behind where the pair were seated, in the ship's galley area, Mordin stepped out of the elevator and walked curiously around the corner to look at the spinning Xera figure.
"Ah, yes!" Mordin nodded with a small smile. "Xera'Raan. Doctoral student. Very talented. Heard many good things about her. Was on the committee for her thesis about humans. Quite thorough and informative, but in a light hearted way. Seems to focus on sexuality a bit much. Suspect she is a bit of a Xenophile. Not that that is a bad thing. Just an interesting quirk."
Tali and Shepard both looked at Mordin for a moment before laughing.
Mordin, for his part, shrugged and walked away humming the silly tune Xera had made for her thesis vid.
Quarian Lexicon
Realk: Cloth covering used by the quarians. It is used to describe not just the hood seen on most but any material adornment.
Det kazuat: Term of curse, considered especially crude. Literal Translation: Living sack of excrement. The Otquer, a large predatory lizard, will pass its meal neatly wrapped in a membranous tissue. Inside the sack, the enzymes used to break down the meat of the prey while still in the lizard continue to act as a stimulant keeping the indigestible brain synapses of its last meal still working until the sun dries the sack out.
Bosh'tet: Animal, native to Rannoch. With no insect life, other species of life had to fill the niche's that on earth fell to the insect. One such niche was the dung beetle. A bosh'tet falls into the category of roller on earth as it moves the dung found to a central location. Though differing in colors, from the green/yellow of the cooler climates to the blue/white in the more tropical areas, they are the same species. Known for apparent inability to distinguish between dung and small rocks, it is considered extremely stupid. Many have been found dead, surrounded by small rocks, as it tried to feed on them.
Turian Lexicon
Sterkre- Turian for a piece of shit.