Thanks to my beta - Torry-Riddle.
Ok, so I just came back home from the cinema and I am really depressed... the movie is pretty intense. You have to watch it, srsly. That and because you all made me nearly cry with your reviews (tears of happiness of course) I update again today. Thank you so much for your kind words! I will probably reply to all of you - if possible - throughout the week. Until Saturday!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Veronica Roth does.
Chapter 20
I don't know how long we stand in his bathroom, he holding me and unconsciously healing me. He leads me out of the bathroom, his big hand clasping my small one. I find myself in a small living room. A couch, a coffee table, a lamp and some books. It isn't anything special. There is a knock on the door and Eric goes to open it. He drops my hand after caressing it with his thumb a last time and just then I realise he held it. I feel my hand is empty just like my arms where after he left them.
"Where is she?" Jules enters the room, her voice clouded with concern and discovers me. She takes in my appearance and I see pity in her eyes. I scowl for a second but then I try to see myself through her eyes, how I have to appear to her.
"Thanks for taking her in." Eric's voice is deep and calm. Jules nods, takes one of my hands and pulls me gently to the door. I look back to Eric, his grey eyes on me with a glint in them I can't place with my tired mind. I nod in his direction and he closes the door. I feel a bit disappointed to leave him but follow Jules anyway down the corridor to another door. She shows me her bathroom, lays out some sweatpants and a towel.
I let the warm water sooth my muscles, try to wash away the events, the fights, the feelings. I want to be bare of everything. After my shower I am dressed in tank top and sweatpants, thick socks on my feet. Jules prepared her couch for me, the pillows soft, and the sheet large and smelling of lemons. I pull it up to my nose, curling into myself, making me as small as possible. I fall into darkness soon after, my body tired enough to shut my mind out, sleep overtaking my exhausted form.
I hear some rustling and a small thud in front of me but keep my eyes closed for a moment longer to orientate. I didn't dream and I am so grateful because now the events of last night come rushing back to me and I feel sick. Edward, poor Edward. I wasn't friends with him but I liked him. His calm, brave and caring being and now he will be Factionless – I am almost completely sure he will leave Dauntless. Not because he is afraid but because he can't trust anyone anymore. I think back to Eric as well and I feel like crying. After everything I have done to prove to myself and everyone else that I am strong I break when it really counts. I was weak even though I should have been brave. My eyes burn and I press my face against the cushions hard, trying to suppress the urge to cry. I haven't cried because of Edward and I won't cry because I failed. Stage two begins today and I will just work harder to get stronger. At the moment though I would gladly stay under the thick covers, pressed into the cushions for a little longer but I bring myself to sit up, folding my legs under me.
I think about Eric some more, my mind circling. I don't understand my need for him and I am just the slightest bit embarrassed by my actions. I frown and try to tell my feelings apart. I don't regret it, though. It might have been a bold step, but it felt right, I felt right and holding him and him I felt right, too. But I also feel weak for breaking like this. And in front of him.
"Good morning, Tris." Jules says gently, coming over and placing a plate with eggs, bacon and buttered bread in front of me next to a steaming cup of tea. I nod back at her, both in greeting and thanks. She smiles softly.
"Eric came by earlier to check on you. I haven't seen him this worried since we were still in Erudite and his mother was waiting on a diagnosis from the doctors." I frown for a moment and I am not sure why she tells me something so random. Maybe she is a bit nervous because she as well doesn't know what to expect from me after the things I saw and did.
"What time is it?" I ask calmly, taking up my fork and begin to take small bites from my plate.
"Half past one pm." I look up shocked and Jules seems to know what I am thinking about.
"Amar and Eric decided to pause initiation for today because almost everyone is still shocked. Not a good thing for stage two. You are to meet tomorrow morning at 8 am." Nodding slightly I turn back to my plate in front of me. I don't want to eat, my stomach still turning making me feel sick, but I urge myself to empty the plate. I need to eat, I need to stay nourished. I have to get stronger.
When Jules comes back into the room I am leaning against the back of the couch, teacup in hand, staring at the wall in front of me. I feel comfortable enough, the room silent and I enjoy the calmness her light blue walls install in me.
"Thank you for letting me stay with you for the night." She takes the place next to me, mirroring my position.
"You are welcome." I feel her eyes on me but I continue to stare ahead. I don't want to meet her eyes that probably still hold pity. We are silent for a few seconds longer. Then I feel Jules shift beside me.
"You know, you were really brave. I don't think I could have done what you did for the other initiate." I scoff slightly.
"His name is Edward. And I don't think I was brave. I shut down and someone else had to take care of me. I was weak and Eric saw it." I cringe because I don't want her to know how much it bothers me that he saw me in this state. Jules chuckles softly and I avert my eyes to her surprised by her reaction.
"I think he never saw someone braver in his entire life. I don't think I did as well. We are Dauntless and do all these reckless things, but true bravery only shows when someone else is in need of protection. And you did it for Edward without a second thought." I hear her words but I don't feel them as if my mind is cushioned and the only things reaching me are the guilt for not doing more and losing it afterwards. Jules seems to sense my feelings, touching my shoulder with a feather light hand and before she can continue to talk about bravery and how excellent I did, I speak up.
"I think I should probably head out again, train a bit, get my head off of things." I stand up, my legs tingling from sitting to long in one position, blood rushing back into my limbs now. Jules stays silent for a moment, maybe contemplating if it is safe to let me go.
"Ok. If you need anything...you know, someone to listen, I am here." She is the second person to offer me something like that. Do I carry a sign telling anyone I am a troubled girl or something? I frown for a moment and nod then.
"Thank you. I'll keep that in mind." Jules brings me to her door, pressing my shoulder for a last time. When the door closes behind me, I take a deep breath. I already feel like I have experienced too much in too short time and initiation isn't even halfway over. I think about Tobias and how he felt while he was an initiate. If he was as exhausted as I am? If he had as many thoughts running through his mind? I think it would help to talk to him. But for now I decide to do as I said. I will go and train. Maybe the exercise can put a hold on everything around and within me.
I run until my legs are close to giving out under me. After taking a short pause I lift weights so long my muscles shiver and burn in pain. I practice my punches and kicks until my knuckles are split. But all of this doesn't help to stop my thoughts. I think about Edward and Peter, about how one of them was everything Dauntless is looking for and the other is jealous and cruel. I see Myra hysterically crying and unable to utter a word. I ask myself how it would be like to love someone so much. Someone that isn't a part of your family. I know I love my brother with all my heart but this love is completely different from that of a sibling. Because it isn't just there. It grows with shared experiences.
After everything I experienced as a child and throughout my early teenage years I am not sure if I could give my all for a person, to love so deeply it hurts just as much when the other is injured. This love is something special and in this moment I think I know it isn't something for me. It comes with dependence and trust and with the other knowing you like you yourself do or even better. Fear. That's what I feel when I think about it.
The door to the training room squeaks open and I look behind me, strands from my ponytail falling into my face. I push them back and greet Uriah with a short nod.
"Hey." His voice is soft, his hands are in his pockets. Uriah looks at my knuckles and frowns.
"How are you?" I shrug in response because I don't know for sure how I feel. It's all a mess in my head. I hope that that will change soon. He nods understandingly and I guess growing up in Dauntless gives you a bit of insight. Maybe he lost a friend or a family member in a cruel way. Maybe he saw something that was too much for his still young mind. Just like I did. We stay silent, I go back to my punches and kicks and he observes me and my movements. I don't think he judges me or is weighing me. There is just nothing else to look at and take his attention away.
"I want to invite you to something only Dauntless-born are normally allowed to." I keep my back to him, only slightly turning my head so he knows I am listening.
"Could you meet me in the Pit at 9 pm?" I think for a moment. Whatever it is, Uriah thinks it will help me or he wouldn't have asked me. In all his endearing teasing, bantering and lightheartedness he is a very caring person. The way he makes sure that Marlene and Lynn are ok the whole time, the way he doesn't ask questions about my background even though he showed interest, the way he respects my silence. I really like Uriah and I think he is my friend. A real friend.
I turn around and smile slightly. It feels a bit foreign though I just laughed with Tobias not a day ago. It seems ages ago now.
"I will be there." Uriah looks up from his feet and smiles too. He nods once and makes his way over to the door.
"Oh, and Trissy, don't exhaust yourself even more then you already are." I scoff at the nickname but a warm feeling blooms in my stomach. Before I can answer him he is already gone. I embrace the emotion within me, saving it for later.
After I showered and ate something I find myself leaning against a wall in the Pit, hands in my tight black pants, eyes observing the crowd. At one point I find Eric looking my way, standing with Jules and his two other friends, sharing a drink probably. Jules smiles my way and yells a light 'Hey, Tris!' I smile at her in return, still grateful for her help this morning. I am surprised when I see Eric push her slightly to the side and approaching me. His grey eyes are different than normal but I can't place what it is that changes them. He stops in front of me, closer than I thought he would, his feet on either side of mine. I cross my arms over my chest, not showing him that I am nervous for what is to come.
"Stiff." His voice is a bit raspy and not as calm as I am used to. I look into his face, trying to find the reason why he would come over to me. He stares at me for a few moments, his eyes taking me in. He watches me so long I have the feeling he wants to memorize my features. He is not judging me, not in the professional way like the times he tried to gauge my injuries.
Without me noticing his hand is next to my face, slowly getting closer to it as if he wants to make sure I am comfortable with his advances. His fingertips brush against my skin, his hand gliding into the position it had yesterday. My eyes shut automatically and I feel myself leaning into his hand that is calloused and warm and strong. I sigh and he lets his hand drop. I miss his touch again.
"Hey to you, too." I say, to cover up both of our actions, a bit taken aback by his behavior and mine. He averts his eyes to the side. His jaw clenches and unclenches. I think he battles with himself or something within him. About what I don't know. He leans forward a bit, his grey eyes meeting mine again, a hand grasping my hip none too gentle and I feel my cheeks flush from his touch there. It is far too intimate and intense for me to take in.
"What are you doing?" My voice sounds a bit breathless. I feel something inside of me flutter again. He smirks playfully, leaning closer still and I can feel and smell his hot breath now. And then there is anger within me. What I am angry about I don't really now. Maybe it is a mixture of a few things: That he is at least slightly drunk and approaches me in this state, or that I am reacting to his touch, so in tune with the feel of his hands on me, or that he makes me feel things I haven't ever before, or that I see that he knows that he has an effect on me in all the right way.
"What do you think I am doing?" He observes me and again I ask myself what he sees when he looks at me. His thump draws lazy circles on my hip, heat spreading through my whole body. I pinch myself at my crossed forearms to snap out of it. Someone has to keep a cool head, or as cool as I can be with anger still within me.
"I think you are drunk and I should get Jules before you do something you will probably regret." I hate how I shiver as his thumbs now strokes the skin on my hip and stomach the tank top pushed up. His smirks widens.
"I think you like what I am doing to you and are just too stubborn and stiff to accept it." I scowl at him then, my eyes probably flashing with anger as well. He chuckles, a sound I have never heard before and it lets me stop in surprise for a moment. I don't know what is funny to earn this reaction and I think he chuckles at me, at my reaction and my inexperience to deal with situations like this.
"Eric, you should go and find someone else to put your attention on." My voice is clipped and I am happy that my hurt isn't showing. Now he scowls at me, his smirk gone as well as a part of his playfulness.
"There isn't anyone else." He is angry. With me or himself I don't know. I can just stare at his back as he joins his group of friends again. Jules looks in my direction questioningly and I can just shrug.
I brush down my top where his hand was moments before, staring at the people around me but not really seeing them. I don't know what to think of his actions, first gentle then daring. Maybe I shouldn't interpret too much into them – his inebriate state probably letting him do things he doesn't really want to do. I close my eyes, breath in deeply. It was an uncomfortable encounter, not because of his closeness but the confusion it left behind. I shut out everything about it and promise myself to not think about it for the rest of the evening. Shortly after I feel someone joining my side.
"Ready?" I nod and Uriah throws an arm around me. I let him and he leads me to a big group of Dauntless I have mostly never seen before.
"What's the Stiff doing here?" Someone shouts when we approach and my back goes rigid.
"Her name's Tris. She's cool. So if you don't want a problem with me you keep your mouth shut." I see Zeke stand up. I smile in his direction appreciatively and he throws me a grin back.
"Everyone ready?! Ok, let's go!" The group yells alongside him, cheering and laughing loudly. The noise fills me up and I feel a small part of the weight lift from my mind. Uriah squeezes my shoulder for a moment then we start to run, up some stairs, crossing over the glass floor I found at my first evening. I am reminded of my Choosing Day when we left the Hub, running together to the tracks and it feels great though the emotion is dimmed down.
I don't talk to anyone and just enjoy the energy of the people around me, absorbing it like a nearly dried-up sponge. I feel some of my fierce energy comes back to me and I laugh alongside some crude comments and not-serious insults.
We jump on the train. Securing one of my hands on the handle I let myself lean outside of the wagon for a while, feeling the cold wind against my cheeks, throwing my hair around my head. My eyes water but there is no burning behind them, so no emotional tears just a reaction to the airstream. Sometime later I lean back into the train, freezing but feeling alive. We jump off when a big building appears – the Hancock building. I try to imagine what it looked like before the war, lights on from the first floor to the 100th, filled with people, maybe working or living there. I think my picture is not even close to the reality.
We spill into the lobby and I find myself next to Lynn and Uriah.
"Where do we go from here?" I ask looking around the room. Some windows are broken and the shards are glistening in the moonlight.
"To the top of the building of course." I look at Lynn quizzically and she laughs probably knowing what I am thinking.
"My brother is turning on the generators at the moment." Uriah says with a grin of his own. I just nod and stay silent. Only a few minutes later we enter the elevator and someone presses the button for the 100th floor. I feel my stomach turn in anticipation and the feeling of being lifted without going anywhere yourself. When the doors open everything is dark around us. I see a ladder being brought to a hole in the roof and start to climb the steps when it is my turn.
The wind on the roof takes me slightly by surprise and I have to lean against it to not fall over. The view is breathtaking. I make my way a bit over to the roof, cautiously not standing too close. The city around us is silent and nearly completely dark. The only lights still on are at the Erudite headquarters. Erudite the Faction that thrives for knowledge. The Faction Eric comes from. Eric who took care of me, let me take his warmth and strength without making a fuss or complaining. How things change in just a few days. I don't know when I stopped to be bothered by my physical attraction for him or that I am curious about him. I accepted both not too long ago but if I had to name the time I wouldn't have the slightest clue. The only thing left is a bit frustration because I trust him on some level and an unknown warmth within me when I think about him. I shake my head, scowling at myself. I promised myself before we started our trip I wouldn't think of him and I won't.
A hand touches my shoulder and I turn around. Uriah nods into the opposite direction and I follow him to Zeke and another guy who help a girl into two slings at a steel line. I draw my eyebrows up and just observe, not quite understanding what will happen next.
"Have fun, love!" Zeke yells, counts down to one and pushes the girl over the edge of the building. I gasp for a second. I should have known that our activity today would be about bravery and taking unnecessary risks. I hear the girl laugh hysterically and I smile myself. We are Dauntless, so no risk is unnecessary I berate myself. We need it to breath and feel alive. And I love that about them and myself. I watch as two other persons are secured in the slings, pushed over the edge and disappeared into the darkness of the night.
"Trissy, your turn!" Zeke calls out, looking searchingly through the persons around us. I go up to him, my steps secure and punch him slightly in the arm.
"What was that for?" He laughs, rubbing his arm and I laugh too.
"I think Uriah already told you that I hate that nickname of his." I easily reply, shrugging my shoulders to appear even more nonchalant.
"But we love it because you look so adorable when riled up though you have a mean punch there, love." I blush a light shade of red and he ruffles my hair. I shove him lightly and feel myself relax. It seems because Uriah likes me, Zeke has adopted me as a friend as well. I don't complain.
He helps me into the slings, checking three times if I am safe and I feel a bit frightened when I look down. The emotion is gone just as quickly and I look back to Zeke. He grins broadly.
"Enjoy your ride, Trissy!" Uriah yells from behind me and I want to answer him with an insult but suddenly I am pushed forward, Zeke not counting down but shoving me over the edge. And then everything except flying vanishes from my mind.
The wind hurts in my eyes a bit but I don't care because this is freedom and open them even wider to not miss anything. I spread my arms, fighting against the strong wind, feeling it glide through my fingers and hair, pulling violently on my clothes. The city underneath me, the sky above me, I feel my fire return to me. The fire that helped me through Abnegation, bullying and now initiation. The fire that gives me my strength and my will. I feel like laughing and crying in relief. The dark buildings glide into and out of my slightly blurred vision and I hope I can stay here forever because at the moment I feel like the birds and clouds I envied. I feel perfect.
A slight disappointed fills me when I feel myself slow down, the ground beneath me now so much closer and then it just ends. I hang a few feet above the ground and I hear people cheering beneath me. I cheer alongside them, loosening the slings around me and then I am falling into their awaiting arms. The contact is slightly uncomfortable and the air is pressed out of my lungs but I ignore both and just let me be put down on the concrete. I feel the hard ground and I already want to go back up there, want to fly again and I think I will. Jumping into a net can't compare to this, nothing can.
Gratitude and happiness fills me. For Uriah and the people around me, for choosing Dauntless, for choosing freedom.
"How was it, Tris? Enjoyed it?" Lynn slings her arm around my waist and I mirror her not caring for the close contact. The light feeling suppressing my panic.
"When can I go up there again?" She laughs alongside me and a few join in.
"Who would have thought the Stiff has it in her?" Someone jokes and I let the mean nickname and his underestimation bounce off of me. Nothing can reach me at the moment.
"I never had my doubts." Lynn says protectively and I smile gratefully.
I always knew I belong in Dauntless, my main aptitude being Dauntless, too. But I had my doubts about the style of living, about the people and if I could bring myself to be as brave, fearless and daring as they are. Now I stand among them, am a part of them. I guess he is right, who would have thought indeed.
Thanks for reading - review please.