Naruto; What If

Third Arc; Chuunin Exams

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

"Jutsus" - Jutsu. Some are kinda bastardized, so don't expect much.

( ) - Commentary. You should know how this goes by now. We see things. I have snarky smartass comments. You want laughs. I see a mutually beneficial deal here.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Chapter 21 - Training! Part 4

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Well, that was that, for now. After getting my meal,(A second one. Free, due to said upturned bowl. Yay) I left and went home, shaking noodles from my hair the entire time. Not pleasant. Once I'd gotten home and ditched most of my gear, I grabbed a quick shower, before turning in for the night.

I was still trying to figure out what I would do for the rest of my training period as my head hit the pillow. Hm. There were several useful skills I wanted to learn; two jutsu, for water and ice. Not necessary, but they would be useful against Gaara.

Second is sealing. I might chat with Tenten about that, though. Only having to carry a few scrolls on my person instead of a massive backpack would be a great help.

Third is medical jutsu. Nothing special, but learning how to heal basic injuries would be very useful. I'll have to talk with Tsunade about that some time after she gets here, and perhaps buy her a bottle of sake to 'convince' her to teach me some things later on.

Fourth? I'm not sure. An earth-style jutsu for what I have in mind for the finals, maybe. It'd help to balance out my skillset, and I've got a dynamite idea for a true curb-stomp battle that will simply humiliate Suna's strongest warrior.

Wait.

Aha! Idea. I'll need an eath jutsu, sealling, either water prison or vortex, and some kind of ice jutsu.

Heheheheheheheh; I gots a plan.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

The next day was spent training with Anko in full-force sparring. I maxed my chakra flow, and we fought using taijutsu only, to work on both our stamina, strength, speed, and reflexes.

For me? It wasn't very difficult, considering. It was the weights I had that made it a challenge. She was faster and more agile, but not as strong as I. But hot damn, she was flexible! She even smacked me with her tit a couple times. Hell, she clocked me in the face with her hip, damn near knocked me the hell out. I actually saw stars.

But of course, I got her back. I'd relieved Anko of her coat and gotten ahold of her skirt more than once. Best hit I got on her was right after yanking her skirt down around her knees, before wrapping her in a flurry of taijutsu that would make Lee jizz himself.

At the end of it all, both of us looked like we'd been to hell and back and gotten our asses kicked pretty hard. I had removed my armguards and pauldron, so as to make this a more fair hand-to-hand duel.

Eheh, I really shouldn't have. She took it as an insult.

Now, overall? We pulled even. No decisive victory. Now, considering neither of us used weapons, I didn't use my bloodline, and she didn't use jutsu? Well, we didn't bother arguing over who would've won; we were both sweaty and sore, feeling exhausted.

We were looking like a rough couple who'd just finished going at it in the woods; the only difference is that we weren't sleepy and satisfied. Heh, and our groins weren't the central sore spots of our respective anatomies.

But still. When two people walk out of the forest bowlegged, leaves in their hair, clothes in disarray, bodies battered and bruised, the first thought that pops into the heads of others' is, 'Hup, they just finished fucking. Outside, in public! Horny bastards'

Now, this is a ninja village. That kind of behavior isn't a surprise; people who kill for a living have strange coping mechanisms, and kinky sex is one of them. Anko is just the most open about it.

Anyway, I digress. Us walking out looking like that, we heard many smarmy/smartass comments.

"Guess she's just like HIM after all."

"Hah! Better get tested, kid!"

"Well, wouldja lookit that!"

"Free show!"

"She's made you a man, now!"

"Hey, Anko! You robbing cradles now?"

"Look, the Uchiha's reviving his clan already!"

"Oh, Lord, we're gonna have little purple-haired Uchihas runnin' around in no time."

"Who raped who?"

"Hah hah hah! Look who's playing hide-the-kunai now!"

Me? Eh, I could care less, but Anko was blushing fiercely, looking more than a little homicidal. At least, more than usual. I smiled at her and said, "Fuck 'em. Wanna make a scandal of it?"

She blinked. "A scandal? Don't tell me you're-"

"I'll take that as a yes!" Beaming, I seized her around the waist, lifting her up in a bridal carry. Kinda difficult, since she overbalanced me, but I spiked my chakra once more and delt with it.

Everyone within the vicinity openly stared at the spectacle; a Genin carrying Anko Mitarashi like a blushing bride, both looking decidedly rough. The looks on everyone's faces were totally worth the pain when she slapped me. I simply smiled, acting all the while like it was any other day.

Heheh. Worth it!

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Welp, I walked home, intent on making something to eat that wasn't ramen. Hm, what've I got to make, anyway? Eggs, ham and bacon, since I missed breakfast? Or maybe I'll just go with a more traditional approach of fried chicken.

Ooh, ooh, chicken and dumplings! With potatoes and-

"You have five seconds to put me down before I tear off your arms," Anko growled, teeth bared. Eheh, I'd carted her heavy ass the whole way, head in the clouds. Oops. At least her ass felt nice on my hand.

Brushing off the entirely plausible threat, I smiled brightly. "Oh? You sure? You look rather comfortable like that."

"One."

I chuckled, and said, "Are you absolutely sure?"

"Two."

Alrighty then, no more games. I dropped her, right on my front step.

*Fwump!*

"...I am going to kill you."

Chuckling some more, I pointed out, "You never said to put you down gently."

I carefully hopped over her and unlocked the door, stepping inside as she shot to her feet. Carefully making sure to keep my distance from her, at least until my plan was put into action, I ducked into the kitchen before she could get inside, summoning a shadow clone to move in a different direction.

Once I was sure she was hunting the clone, I started on making dinner. The dumplings would take too long, so I'll go with something that I can prepare a bit quicker while multitasking.

Seventeen minutes later, and the food was largely done. I was just setting the table as Anko stormed into the room, still looking fairly angry. A tranquil smile graced my features, as she simply glared at me.

"Supper's ready. Care to join me?"

"You think a meal is enough to buy me over?" The woman growled, teeth bared, voice low and threatening.

I raised an eyebrow. "Oh, it should be. But if you'd prefer, I could just throw out all this freshly-made dango." As I spoke, I pulled a cover off of one of the plates, revealing a serving plate stacked high with freshly-glazed, steaming hot sweet dumplings.

"...Consider yourself forgiven." Instant heel-face-turn back to happy-Anko.

Heh, thought so.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Of course, she hogged all the dumplings, saying something about her blood sugar being low.

Eh.

I got to chow down on homemade stir fry and rice, with a pot I made for myself; tomato sauce with chicken, cheese, dumplings, garlic, a hundred other various spices and bread to dip in the brew.

In all honesty? It was actually pretty good.

"Why'd you do that?" Anko broke the silence, startling me from my reverie.

"Hm? Do what?" I still had a mouthful of rice, so I translated this into english for you. You're welcome.

"Publicly associate with me like that. You know what people think of me, so why? And don't give me that crap of doing it on principle, I know you don't do anything without a reason."

Ah. She's far more clever than she lets on. "Hmm... You're more observant than I gave you credit for. If I had to give a reason, well, because it's been a long time since I got to do something stupid and fun in public just for shits and giggles. You know those times when you just say; 'Fuck it, I do what I want.' And just did whatever it was you wanted without giving a damn what anyone thought? 'Cuz every now and again, I like to get rid of that mental filter everything goes through, to just stop giving a fuck." She nodded, understanding the need to cut loose. I mean, this was Anko motherfucking Mitarashi I was talking to, the queen of cutting loose and going wild!

"Yeah, I get that. But you didn't give me a reason." Drat.

My smile turned sardonic. "Eesh, you're as bad as the old man. Nothing gets past you, yah? Well, I suppose it's 'cuz I just stopped caring right then and there. They were going to be judgemental peons, so I wanted to give 'em a reason to say stupid shit. One of my best friends once told me that people collectively give too much of a fuck, and when a truly important issue comes up, they don't have enough of a fuck left to actually give a fuck about it." Crude, crass, and entirely true. Really, it is. Think about it.

"You're still avoiding my question." Double drat!

I sighed. Couldn't help it. "Because I, enjoy your company, and it annoyed me to see the way they looked at you. Now they'll say shit about me instead of you, or they'll realise it would be a mistake to publicly slander the Council's 'Last Uchiha.' One way or another." By the way, douchebag finger quotes were used.

She was quiet for a moment, before responding with, "I don't know if that's more sweet or stupid... But thanks." Anko then offered a kind smile, which morphed her already-beautiful features into one of the cutest, most irresistable girls I've yet to see.

I think the only girl cuter would be Hinata, what with her shy disposition, massive mammaries, innocent eyes and pure personality. Hm.

Anyway, I grinned right back. "Depends. Which one's more likely to get me laid?"

She sighed. "And just like that, the moment is gone. You're thirteen; just because they're saying it, doesn't mean I'm going to do it. I'd really rather not go to jail."

Frowning as the actual subject was brought up, "Hey, it's not rape if they're willing. ...Wait. There IS NO female-on-male rape, bloody double standards. And- Doesn't the village recognize all ninjas as adults, anyway? So does statuatory even count? Hell, I can go out and buy weapons, alchohol, even lottery tickets on my own. Is there even a law against underage sex?" Seriously, is there? I honestly want to know. Gonna have to head to the library and look up the word of the law about that.

She stopped, looking completely puzzled before taking on this expression of concentration, like she was thinking real hard. "I honestly don't know. There are laws against rape and child rape, but- Fuck if I know. Once an academy student is promoted to Genin, they are considered adults. I don't know." She shook her head in consternation, flabberghasted by one of the most obvious discrepancies in the law.

Hmm. I wonder if I can turn this to my advantage?

Suddenly, Anko idly glanced at her watch, before her eyes bugged out. "OH, SHIT!" She jumped to her feet, knocking her chair back.

The hell? "What? What is it?"

She dashed for the door, calling back, "Shit, shit, shit! I completely forgot! Sorry, Sasuke, I've gotta cut this short!"

Well, fuck me sideways. Or not, in this case.

JASHIN DAMNIT.

~~Badadumdunbum~~

Alright, the one part above about double-standards was written because, in many countries, there is no such thing as female-on-male rape. No penis, no rape. Using a dildo/foreign object is sexual abuse/sodomy/abusive penetration, but not rape. Does anyone else see a problem with this kind of legal double standard?