Cinders

Twenty-One - Bittersweet

Felix awoke early the next morning. It was just past dawn, and he'd left to speak to Puelle yet again at his home. He'd decided to finally confide in him why he'd truly returned to Prox. Though he did not know the man well, he trusted him, and he was the only one who could possibly know something Felix did not. At least, that's what he thought. He knew his search would be in vain, but he forged ahead, driven by his dreams of blood, and the heavy blade he carried as his cross.

The door to Puelle's home was unlocked, but he took the time to be courteous and knock. He was answered by a young woman who served as a maid for the village Elder. She recognized him and quickly showed him inside. The Chieftain sat at his table alone, sipping a hot drink. He waved for Felix to sit as well, and he did so.

"What brings you here, Hero of Prox?"

Felix winced. "I'd prefer not to be called that. I'm not much of a hero."

"Well now, I would disagree." Puelle said heartily; a tone that was quite unlike him. "You may be the greatest hero Prox has ever known."

"Well," Felix sighed, "I actually came here to confess something..."

Puelle looked up from his drink, surprised, and then his face took on a somber tone. Felix took a deep breath, ready to be thrown out of the house, and probably the town too, once the Chieftain knew the truth.

"Mars Lighthouse... I told you that we found Agatio and Karst, right? And that they were killed by the dragon we fought?"

Puelle nodded, and asked him to continue.

"That... That was a lie. We found them... But.. The dragon didn't kill them.."

"...You did." Puelle interrupted. "I'd thought as much."

"How did you know?" Felix asked.

"I had my suspicions, though I did not know the truth until just now. I knew how Agatio and Karst were, so full of pride; they wouldn't have let you light the beacon in their stead. It was their duty, and they would have been shamed if they had failed it."

Felix shook his head. "No, you don't understand... They gave the Star to us. They wanted us to do it... But we had no choice, we had to fight them."

Puelle looked puzzled."Now, that doesn't seem like them. Why would they be forced to fight you?"

"They were both changed into monsters... They attacked us.. I had no idea it was really them.."

"I see..." Puelle muttered under his breath. He looked contemplative, but not offended. It was surprising, but perhaps the man understood his plight after all. "Is that all you wanted to tell me?"

Felix paused for a moment, thinking over what he might say. There were other things he needed to confess, just, they weren't so simple as telling the truth.

"There was something else I've been thinking about for ages... I need to know..."

Puelle listened intently. Felix hesitated, but for some reason he trusted the man. Perhaps it was because of his kindness all those years ago when he first came to Prox, or maybe he just felt trustworthy in some way he couldn't explain...

"Is it possible, even by some tiny chance, that our peoples could ever be friends..? Is it possible that two of us, a Proxian and a Valian, could ever be... Lovers? Or family?"

Puelle raised an eyebrow. Felix expected as much, it wasn't a simple question in the slightest, but what he hadn't expected was the wide grin that quickly spread across the man's face.

"Our peoples..." He said, "will most likely never be allies. But you, Felix, need not worry about such things. You are one of us, in all but your appearance."

He paused for a moment, and finished his drink. He offered Felix a cup as well. He declined, and waited for Puelle to speak.

"I knew you'd come by me to ask this one day, Felix. You're not as subtle as you think..." He said "Every day since the moment I met you, you've had your eye on her, and no one else."

Felix blinked, and looked at the man in disbelief. He couldn't have known... Was he really that obvious?

"Do you know why partners are forbidden to be lovers, Felix?" Puelle asked, eyebrows flat, a somber expression on his face. Felix shook his head.

"It's quite simple, really. Emotions like love are too rash; too uncontrollable in the heat of battle. If parters were to display those feelings, they would distract them from what must be done in combat..."

Puelle paused, and took a deep sigh. "Complete ignorance, as I see it. The elder wants order, and so I go along with the ways we've established. But by the Gods, the old ways were right. Nothing is more powerful than one partner that would die for the other... Even Saturos and Menardi, our strongest warriors, were lovers..."

Felix looked up at him, confused. Puelle let out a short laugh.

"Yes, I knew about them. In fact, I allowed them, as long as they kept it secret from the elder. Why do you think they were so powerful? They knew the secret to the ancients power... A secret that can only be unlocked through such a powerful bond. Agatio and Karst could never have become something like that... Saturos and Menardi were intimate since childhood, I wasn't about to tear them apart."

Felix smiled at the thought of Saturos and Menardi as children. It seemed quite impossible, but they certainly were, however many years ago. Puelle must have been quite old, too, if he'd watched over the pair from birth. Puelle didn't return the grin, but continued on with his speech without pause.

"Agatio and Karst were never close, like Saturos and Menardi were. They were kept together when they were young, and began their training with you. But they never became anything closer than friends. Friends they were... But I truly never expected what happened with Karst. Unbelievable, to say the least."

He paused for a moment, and eyed Felix up and down, as if inspecting him.

"...Karst came to me, early in the morning, much like you are now. It had nearly been three years since you'd arrived..." He paused, and eyed him again. "She'd come to ask me a favor, and I'd promised her I would oblige, however, she truly took me by surprise. You see, she'd come to ask that I reassign her... To change her partnership, in other words, from the man she'd spent her whole life with... To you."

Felix stared for a second, then opened his mouth to interject, but Puelle interrupted him again.

"A foreigner, and a Valian, no less! I thought she'd hit her head, and was suffering some incredible delusion, but no, that was not the case. She'd truly wanted you to be trained as her partner, to replace Agatio. Though of course, it could never be done. I had to deny her, and she was not one bit happy about it, but it couldn't be helped. Proxians can never change their partners, unless there is some extraordinary falling out between the two and they cannot continue to work together properly. Since I saw nothing of the sort between Agatio and Karst, I could do nothing about it. Even if there was such an issue, a Valian could not be an option."

"So..." Felix said, not quite making sense of all the things Puelle had put before him, "What does it mean? To have someone do something like that?"

"It means," he answered, "She wanted to share a bond with you, unlike anything else. And if she'd be willing to break every law of our people to be with a foreigner, she must have had good reason for doing so. To be partners in war is no simple thing, Felix. If I may be frank, in Proxian culture, it might as well have been a proposal..."

Felix slipped in his chair at Puelle's last few words, and bit his tongue, but didn't quite feel any pain. He didn't taste the blood he knew was there, pooling around his teeth. He stood up, and thanked Puelle for allowing him into his home. Puelle nodded, and remained silent, as if he knew exactly what was going through Felix's head, while the young woman who had greeted him showed Felix out the door.

"A proposal..." Felix thought, mouthing the words under his breath. "Why did he have to use those words?"

He swallowed a great deal of blood, and some sensation returned to him as he stumbled out into the snow. It was the feeling of cold, and pain. But it was also warmth, now that he finally knew the truth. Or at least, something close to it. It hadn't come from her own mouth, and it truly never would, but finally, undoubtedly, Karst felt something too. He couldn't know for sure if it was the same feeling he felt for her, but it eased his mind to know she cared, even if he could never tell her he felt the same. He wondered, sometimes, if she'd heard him before she passed away, as he told her that he loved her. He'd said those very words, his eyes blinded by tears, and once he'd wiped them away, she'd already passed into the void. It was a heartrending thought: that she'd left the world without knowing what one she cared for so dearly felt about her. Though maybe, like Puelle, she already knew.

He walked a few minutes from the Chieftain's house, and stood by the frozen lake. He looked out upon the banks of snow that surrounded it, and the icy waves that still crashed upon the shore, frozen in time.

"Now is not the time to reminisce..." He thought, but had trouble stopping himself. He wasn't sure whether to curse Puelle or thank him, for making him see all the things he'd so wanted to forget. It wasn't happiness he felt, even though the news was good. It was regret, disappointment, shame. He knew that, had he said something, anything at all, he could have everything he'd ever wanted. He cursed himself for being so foolish, and he cursed himself for hurting Karst, when all she'd ever wanted was his aid.

He knew now that she was gone, and no Psynergy nor Alchemy could bring her back. He'd come to Prox for the very reason of finding out for sure, and now he had, but yet he still did not want to return home. Every part of his body ached, and his torturous thoughts crawled across his head like long-legged spiders, itching every nerve with reminders of his mistakes.

It was time he left her behind him, he knew that. Nothing had ever been so hard, but he simply could not go on living with the guilt. He had to persevere, or else be swallowed up by his past. He would destroy the Sol Blade, or hide it away in some far away place, and erase any memory of her. He would leave Prox, perhaps some day to return, once he'd forgotten his guilt, and he would travel Weyard again until he found some place where he was needed and belonged.
No matter where he went, though, he wouldn't forget his feelings for her. Perhaps, somehow, she was still out there somewhere, waiting to be found, and he would be ready...

The warmth of a little flame once comforted him in the bitter cold, but now all that remains are ashes and regrets.

End