A/N: Heh, yeah, I realize that it wasn't all that funny last chapter, but I had to get through that. From here, it'll be the play, and I'm hoping it won't disappoint you too much. I have to get through it to get to the date auction, after all.
"… So please, think of this child as a hero… The hero of the Hidden Leaf… Ughh…"
"I told you, Naruto, we don't need that dying noise!" Sakura screamed for the umpteenth time.
"I'm doing it because I'm tired! You've had me reciting forever! How come everyone else is getting sleep but me? The show's on in a few hours, and I'm dying!"
"It's because everyone else can memorize! You fall asleep, and when you wake up, I'm certain you won't remember a thing!"
"Tch, I'm not that stupid! Besides, this is one thing I can't forget anyway…" he trailed off, and yelled stupidly when he realized what he said. "Uh, because… it's as if I tattooed it across your forehead."
"Are you making fun of my forehead, Naruto…?" Sakura whispered menacingly, her eyes flashing with murderous intent.
"What? No! Not at all! You have a beautiful, wide forehead! No wait, I mean just wide! No, crap, I meant just beautiful!" Naruto saw her massaging her bicep and gulped. "… You're gonna hurt me, aren't you?"
"I'm going to hit you so hard, we'll go back in time twenty-four hours, and I'll make you rehearse even more!"
Before Sakura could do anything, Shizune entered the hall, with the rest of the gang behind her. "Sakura, Naruto, we don't have any more time for rehearsing now! It's time to set up the stage. Some people have already begun crowding outside!"
Naruto breathed a sigh of relief as Sakura reluctantly walked away to help with the set. He stiffened again as he felt somebody tap him on the shoulder. He turned around to see Sasuke's hard face looking back at him.
"I hope you haven't forgotten our plan, Naruto," Sasuke said, Naruto nodding his head quickly. "Good, because if you don't do what I said, I'm going to be angry. See this? This is my happy face."
"But your face always looks like that."
"It's because I'm always happy."
"… You're frowning, and you look scary."
"… Shut up. All I'm saying is: you don't want to see my angry face."
'How come I think it looks exactly like his happy face…' Naruto thought to himself with a nervous grin.
"Hey, you two, get to work already! Sasuke, make out with Naruto in your own time!"
"Dammit, I'm not gay! I'm just picky, okay! PICKY!"
"Whatever you say… coughgaycough"
"… I hope you all die."
A few hours later, the stage had been set, and people had already begun to fill out the stadium. Naruto, garbed in the Fourth's childhood clothes, stared out at the audience, gulping nervously.
"S-Sure are a lot of people…"
"But of course!" Naruto almost yelled as the all-too-familiar voice of Rock Lee came behind him. "Many people have gathered to witness the retelling of the awesome youthfulness of the one and only Fourth Hokage! He was truly a flaming pillar of passion!" he screamed, tears streaming from his eyes as he posed dramatically.
"Uh… Yeah." Naruto's attention was diverted from Lee, however, as the lights dimmed, and Naruto quickly scooted off to his place. The audience settled as Jiraiya's voice came out of the speakers. He had been assigned as the narrator of the play.
"Many years ago, in Village of the Hidden Leaf, a boy was born with a great destiny ahead of him. This is his story… This is the story of the Yellow Flash of Konoha."
The curtains opened, revealing an open training field, and two kids, played by Neji and Sasuke, were trying to take away a young girl's toy, the girl being played by Hinata. Naruto dashed on stage, meaning to pose and announce that he would save her. Instead, he tripped on his feet and landed face first on the ground, the audience trying to stifle their laughter.
"Er… Of course, when the Fourth was younger, he wasn't the most graceful ninja, but uh… He had his heart in the right place." Jiraiya grumbled quiet curses as he improvised Naruto's fall. "The Fourth Hokage was always a person with a good heart, and always helped the innocent."
Naruto hurriedly climbed to his feet, pointing at Neji and Sasuke dramatically. "You two evil kids better be ready to get punished!"
"This is totally unacceptable," Neji mumbled quietly to Sasuke and Naruto. "Why the hell am I, one of such a respectable family, playing the role of the bad guy!"
"I agree," Sasuke grumbled. "And why does Naruto, a nobody, get to be the star…"
They both stared at Naruto with pissed-off stares, causing him to flinch slightly. "Come on, guys, don't be like that. Nobody else can look as evil as you two can."
Neji sighed and continued with the play. "Hah, who do you think you are, kid? Some kind of superhero that'll become the greatest Hokage ever?" The audience chuckled as Naruto continued.
"It doesn't matter who I am, or what my name is. All that matters is that I'm going to beat you guys up!"
A mock fight ensued, where Neji and Sasuke, with incredible reluctance, feigned defeat against Naruto. Too annoyed to continue acting beat-up as they were supposed to, the two grouchily marched off stage, continuing their lines with obvious aggression. "We'll get you next time, blondie." Naruto shuddered, wondering if they were acting, or if they really would get him back later.
"Are you okay?" Naruto asked, as he grabbed Hinata's hand and picked her up, causing her to blush heavily. Naruto waited for her to say her lines, but Hinata was still caught up with Naruto's hand. "Uh… Should I take your silence as a yes?"
The audience laughed again as Hinata continued to space out.
Naruto, glancing around nervously, covered his mouth, and spoke in a funny-sounding, high-pitched voice, trying to sound like a girl. "Oh yeah, I'm fine! Thanks a lot!"
"Okay then! I'll be going!" Naruto finished, running off stage as fast as he can to get away from the audience, which was now laughing hysterically. The curtains closed as the scene ended, and Jiraiya hastily continued narrating.
"Uh… A-And so, the young boy grew, and was trained by the ever-so-talented, sexy, number-one ladies man, the life of the party, the-" A pause ensued as people heard a hard whacking noise, followed by a groan. Everything was quiet for a minute until the narration continued, replaced with Shizune's voice. "… And was trained by Jiraiya of the Sannin."
The audience was laughing madly, and they applauded happily.
Sakura, behind the curtains, was busily grinding her teeth and clenching her fists so tight that her knuckles were cracking.
"This is supposed to be dramatic, not a freaking comedy!"
"Naruto, what the hell!" Sakura screamed quietly into Naruto's face. "We rehearsed for hours and you still screwed up!"
"I was nervous, okay!" Naruto quietly yelled back, pulling on his 'teenage Fourth' costume: an ANBU uniform. "There are a lot of people out there!" Sakura groaned, clutching her forehead in irritation.
"… And so, on the day of the ANBU final exam, the young hero was determined to show everyone that he was one of the best, regardless of his young age."
"Dammit, Naruto, get out there! I'll yell at you more later!"
Naruto hurriedly obliged, however in his haste, he hadn't noticed that his pants weren't pulled up all the way. As he made a break for the stage, his pants began to ride down, grabbing him by the knees. His momentum forced him to continue plummeting forwards, only managing to hold himself up by hopping… all the way onto the stage.
"So, little blondie, are you ready for the exa…" Shikamaru was playing the ANBU tester, and he trailed off as he saw Naruto hopping towards him in a panic, his pants down revealing (he wasn't wearing his boxers) his white underwear. "Uh… I see you're ready for the 'hopping' test!" Shikamaru quickly improvised, feeling himself sweat rapidly as the audience broke out in laughter for the umpteenth time. However, when he thought the worst was through, he noticed Naruto was still off-balanced, and he heading straight for him. "Woah, Naruto, stop! Hey! Stop! ARGGH!"
Naruto hopped straight into Shikamaru, throwing the both of them into the curtain. The audience was laughing frantically, slapping their knees and clutching their stomachs. While they were obviously enjoying themselves, the cast obviously was not.
"Naruto, what are you doing?" Shikamaru scolded, trying to fight his way through the curtains. As he emerged, he made to walk off, but turned to see Naruto still having trouble with his pants. "Oh, for the love of…" He hurriedly walked back, and from the audience's point of view, he put his hands back into the curtain, and the audience followed his silhouette as it reached Naruto's. His hands latched onto Naruto's waist region, and the audience went hysterical. As Shikamaru bounced up and down with Naruto to pull the pants up, some of the audience members began to fall off their seats.
Not that anybody could see it, but behind the curtains, Sakura was busy hyperventilating into a paper bag while flames singed out of her.
"Naruto, I'm going to kill you!"
Through some miracle, Naruto managed to make it to the last scene with the story hanging on by threads. By now, nobody could tell whether this was a drama or a comedy. Naruto was on the stage, dressed in the Fourth's trademark coat, and everyone else had come in to play the parts of the extras. Except for Sakura, who was now believed to be dead somewhere from stress.
The stage was a large cave, behind which was Jiraiya, preparing a handful of seals he had been practicing to create an illusion of the Kyuubi. Shizune's voice was heard as she announced the Kyuubi's arrival. Naruto thought about the script, remembering that Sakura suggested not changing the play to make the Kyuubi out to be the victim.
"It wouldn't sell as well…" Sakura told Naruto, feeling somewhat bad to see Naruto's second-long sadness. Naruto quickly smiled at the time, saying he didn't really care anyway.
Standing on stage, Naruto had decided that he would at least get the rest of the play from here on out right. However, his concentration was greatly affected as he remembered Sasuke, and the promise he made to him.
'Prove that you aren't Boxer-sama. Help me kill him.'
Standing nearby Naruto was Temari, dressed as one of the ninjas in the battle. She discreetly nudged him, bringing him back to reality.
"Hey, Naruto, pay attention!" she whispered hastily. Naruto grinned stupidly, and reluctantly pushed his anxieties to the back of his head.
Naruto pointed into the cave of the Kyuubi heroically. "In there is a monster of incredible destruction!" he began, trying to hide his reluctance to speak the lines. "It has wronged the people of Konoha for the last time! Tonight, we shall destroy it!"
"… Tell me again why we're interrupting a play done by kids?" Kisame asked with a groan, looking down at the play from a skylight. Itachi didn't even bother looking up at him.
"Boxer-sama is supposed to be here. We shall lure him out by attacking these children."
"Man, you really are pure evil, aren't you?" Kisame muttered, rolling his eyes. "And how exactly are you going to deal with the likes of Jiraiya?"
"He is of no importance," Itachi replied as he began to form seals. "We will not be fighting them personally."
"… I told you, my family will not do your bidding, dammit."
"I didn't mean your family…" Itachi protested dully.
"Really? Well… Good."
"… Not today, anyway."
"Screw you, Itachi."
As Jiraiya finished his seals, he looked at his Kyuubi copy proudly.
"That's a good-looking fox, Jiraiya!" he congratulated himself. "You totally kick ass Jiraiya! Yeah, go Jiraiya!" He seemed to be overdoing it. He stopped suddenly though, as he noticed a strange red light covering the Kyuubi, and he bit his lip as he realized what was happening.
"This isn't good…"
On the stage, Naruto and the others were anxiously awaiting the Kyuubi's entrance.
"Pst! Hey, where is it?" Chouji asked, growing impatient, or more probably hungry.
"I'm sure Jiraiya wouldn't take this long…" Ino replied. She glanced over to Sakura at the side of the stage, who responded with a shrug.
Just as Naruto was about to complain as well, he heard the Kyuubi finally coming out.
"Finally! Hm… Wait a minute…" Naruto listened more closely, hearing a sudden yell and a crash. "That sounded like Jiraiya…"
Temari, standing closest to him, peered into the cave with squinted eyes. "Uh, hey, Naruto… Was the Kyuubi meant to be glowing red?"
"Uh… No… Why?" Naruto squinted into the tunnel with Temari, and saw it as well. "Huh, that's weird. It's not like Jiraiya to make such an obvious mistake…"
Before Naruto could continue, the hall was filled with an ear-shattering howl, sending most of the actors to the ground covering their ears, Naruto especially, whose hearing was slightly more sensitive than a common boy. As he dropped to one knee shielding his ears, he looked into the cave again and saw the red Kyuubi charging out, directly into the direction of Temari and himself.
"Temari, look out!" Naruto instinctively pushed Temari aside just in time. However, this left Naruto in an undefended posture, and he felt the full force of the Kyuubi, sending him hurtling off the stage and onto the floor, startling the audience. Naruto ached, but his mind was racing.
'I've gotta keep the audience calm somehow…' he thought. He took a deep breath, and tried to act calm. "The Kyuubi is very powerful!" he began. "This looks like a job for the Yellow Flash!"
The audience bought it, and began clapping and cheering. Naruto hurriedly pulled himself onto his feet, staring up at the massive red Kyuubi, sweating erratically. 'Time to fight back!'
"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"
Around twenty Narutos appeared in a puff of smoke. As seventeen of them charged at the Kyuubi, three of them stayed back to prepare a Rasengan.
Temari stared at Naruto from the side, blushing with wide eyes. "Naruto… Saved me?" she pondered, and suddenly felt very embarrassed. The rest of the actors were about to jump in, but Naruto told them to stand back.
"The Yellow Flash can handle it!" Naruto said to them with a grin as he concentrated on his Rasengan.
The Kyuubi was proving more powerful than the Naruto squad, as it began to easily swat them down one after the other. Just as it defeated the last one, it looked down to the ground to finish off the remaining ones.
Naruto wasn't there.
The red Kyuubi glanced about suspiciously, trying to find its prey.
"Up here!"
The Kyuubi glanced up, and its face met up with Naruto's Rasengan. Everyone watched in amazement as the Kyuubi clone began to turn into a strange kind of mush, rotating as it faded away into nothingness in a haze of smoke. In the cover of the smokescreen, Naruto hurriedly signaled to Sakura, who quickly tossed him a fake baby doll. As the smoke cleared, Naruto stood at the center of the stage, holding the fake child.
"This child now bears the spirit of the Kyuubi," he began, staring at the doll with a face of nostalgia and depression. "I urge everyone not to see this child as a burden to the town, but rather a savior… So please, think of this child as a hero… The hero of the Hidden Leaf… Ugh..."
Naruto fell to one knee, acting as though he was dying. The others crowded around him, the lights dimmed, and the curtains closed. Following this was a monstrously loud standing ovation.
The play was a success.
"'Boxer-sama will come', you say. 'We'll lure him out', you say. All we managed to do was ruin a stupid play!"
"Is that really all we did?" Itachi said philosophically, as he stood up and walked away. Kisame pondered this for a moment, then suddenly realized.
"What the hell, that is all we managed to do! Stop trying to throw me off with your philosophical tone! Dammit, stop walking away and listen to me!"
After the curtains closed, Jiraiya had dragged Naruto away, forcing him to take off his shirt as he examined him.
"Hm…" Jiraiya was feeling around Naruto's left arm. "There's a lot of swelling here. I think you might've fractured something. Does it hurt?"
He didn't bother waiting for an answer after seeing Naruto's tear-filled face. "I guess it does hurt."
Not far off, Sasuke was busy looking for Naruto. As he spotted him, he marched over hastily. "Naruto, we have work to do."
Naruto suddenly had an idea. He smiled apologetically. "S-Sorry, Sasuke! I don't think I'll be able to join you in the plan. I kinda hurt my arm."
Sasuke stared at him with irritation. "That's awful… convenient, isn't it, Naruto?"
"W-What? No!" Naruto said quickly. "I uh… So wanted to take Boxer-sama down! But um, I guess you'll have to do it alone! Go Sasuke!" he cheered stupidly, causing Sasuke to frown at him.
"Idiot."
"Screw you!"
After Sasuke finally gave up and left, Temari approached him, playing with her fingers nervously. "Hey, Temari!" Naruto greeted. "Um, sorry about pushing you while we were on stage so suddenly… It was just uh… you know…"
"You don't have to apologize!" Temari said with a blush. "I should be apologizing! Because of me, you got hurt!"
"Oh this? This is nothing! Forget about it, I'm just glad you're not hurt."
Temari blushed furiously, turning her head to the ground to hide it. 'Gosh, I've never blushed this much in my whole life! It's not like me to blush!' she thought shyly.
"Well, Naruto," Jiraiya said with a nudge. "I think it's about time I take you to the hospital, you know what I mean?"
Shizune's voice boomed through the speakers. "After a short intermission, we will begin the Boxer-sama date auction! Please look forward to it!"
"Oh, right! The hospital!" Naruto said, laughing hysterically. "We'd uh… Better go! Like, right now!"
Jiraiya and Naruto dashed off, leaving a red, bewildered Temari behind. Boxer-sama had to be ready soon. Naruto unconsciously rubbed his arm, his eye twitching as he felt the sting.
"We'll have to take care of it properly later," Jiraiya began. "We can't even dress it properly or else people will start to get suspicious. Luckily it doesn't look too bruised. You'll just have to bear with it."
"I'm fine! Don't worry, old man!" Naruto said confidently. "I'm more worried about what's going to happen to me out there!"
Jiraiya grinned maliciously. "About that… I've got a present for ya… a good-luck charm, in a way."
"Really? What?"
Jiraiya handed Naruto a plastic bag, and Naruto dug his hand into it enthusiastically, producing a black, leather whip.
"Uh, exactly what do you want me to do with this?"
"Oh, you'll know, Naruto! Heehehehehhehe!" Jiraiya laughed insanely, throwing his head back like an evil scientist.
"O-kay…"
TO BE CONTINUED