Entry 21:
Redness all Around
You know there's this old song hat I can't help but think was supposed to be my prophecy. It's called The Red. Let me summarize my interpretation of it for you:
I have a mask
I wear it all the time
Every now in then
The blood-soaked part of me leaks out through pores and I cant help but hating
Hating myself
Hating others
Hating you - when clearly all I feel for you is love.
My love is tainted. It becomes lust under the red, far stronger than it would otherwise be.
I'm forced to hurt myself to prevent me from doing you ill.
Don't worry. No blood. Blood would be invisible within the red anyway. No, I need to find thing's I've worked hard for. Things I treasure.
I destroy them. It hurts me, and it makes me feel better. I didn't deserve them anyway.
I ripped a picture of you today. I worked hard to take that picture. It was a time when you didn't know I had a stealth camera on me. You smiled. I saw it. It was slight, but it was there. And now it isn't.
I had all this self reflection, all this loud music, all this ANGER let out of me these past couple of days… you made it slow… I know there was no way for either of us to know the outcome of us living together like this.
Why wouldn't you let me be? Why wouldn't you let it out?
I didn't go to work today. A first, since I worked for Hil after I practically cut my finger off that one time.
I haven't eaten in about 48 hours, maybe longer.
I didn't let myself. I've gone for longer, granted years upon years ago, but still.
I'm so drained.
I'm supposed to be rejuvenated after letting it all out. What the crap?
I want to cry. But I can't. I'm not able and I'm not allowed. I don't want you to see it either.
I want to run. Run away. Run from the red. Run from you. Run to you.
I want to bury myself in your embrace.
I want to force the red onto you.
It's all your fault.
Why is my love always tainted?
Though, I suppose if it hadn't been tainted at some point, you would have died like everyone else in my past.
…?
My music just stopped. I didn't turn it off…
Actually… My alarm is off too… What the crap?
Great, now our house has faulty wiring?
Shiiit.
I guess I should go check that out. I doubt Hiiro's awake anyways. It's only 3:30 in the morning, after all (to remind myself, I'm writing in the dark. Maybe I'll go blind and never have to see his eyes like that again). Tsh, I haven't finished moving in yet either…
Wow, so it's been a long time people. Hasn't it?
I am soooo sorry. Life's been… well... life. Forgot My Ffnet password and the likes…
And left this off at a BAD PLACE as well, She-it!
After rereading it I just couldn't help but writing up another chapter to go with it.
Also, I'm pretty convinced that deamonlight will never write another chapter of Hiiro's Journals… So uh… Sorry. Maybe In time I'll do it myself…