He kept smiling, so pleased with himself.
And all she could think was how could someone be so disgusting?
"How?"
"You never saw her die, did you?"
Silence.
Then, "You're despicable." Quickly she grabbed Yuuki, then hesitated, staring at Kaori. It wasn't possible. It couldn't be her.
But it was.
An exact replica of Yuuki, staring up at her with eyes she couldn't decipher.
"Kaori…" Yuuki whispered, looking down at her. "Kaori!"
Kaori stared at her, mouthing her name, but looked down a moment later.
"Do what you want now. With Kaori's extra hit, you'll be dead by midnight." Which, of course, was only an hour and a half away.
"You disgusting person!" Mikan snarled. "You monster!"
He simply started for the door, turning only when he reached it and aiming his attention at Kaori, who hadn't moved. "Going to spend final moments with your mother? Fine. I'm done with you all."
He walked out, and as she slid to the floor numbly, a voice outside the room echoed quietly.
"What have you done with Mikan?"
Of course, Natsume had come here looking for her to stop her from going on a mission. But Mikan couldn't do anything, stuck in some trance, staring at Kaori, who was supposed to be dead. Who for the last almost three years had been with Kuonji. The whole time. Who she had watched being hit, repeatedly, unable to help without ruining the lives of everyone else. The reason Mikan had wished herself dead out of grief.
"I've ruined her, once and for all."
"You bastard," Natsume hissed. "Where is she?"
Kaori stared back at her and Yuuki, eyes glistening with unshed tears. Mikan had left her to die, and now that it was her turn, Kaori felt sad, even though she probably couldn't remember her.
"I imagine torturing herself to death with guilt right now."
And she felt something inside her shatter. The last barrier of her sanity, probably.
A scream managed to rip through her throat, "NO!"
Kaori's tears started falling.
"NO, NO, NO!"
Getting her daughter back just to die?
He had planned this. He had to have planned this.
He was laughing outside the door now, and Natsume had shoved past him to get to her. "Mikan what-" his voice cut off, and she realized that her arms were starting to become the rotting, purple-black color caused by Persona and Kaori's alice's.
All of the pain caused by the reappearance of Kaori was intensified tenfold at the look in his eyes.
She pressed the heels of her palms' against her closed eyes. She had come back, only to hurt everyone more – especially Natsume.
"I'm sorry," she choked out painfully. "I didn't mean for…" she cut off again. Didn't mean for what? Didn't mean for Kaori to be alive? To die right after she had rebuilt their unstable relationship? Didn't mean anything? She didn't know anymore. "This," she finished lamely.
He pulled her to her feet silently, took Yuuki from her, then glanced at Kaori in confusion.
"Kaori," she said as explanation.
He flicked his gaze to her. "But she's dead," he finally uttered.
"Apparently not. Trust me, this is her." Again her voice cracked, and she coughed violently to prevent sobs.
He was silent for a moment. He had witnessed her hysteria at watching Kaori 'die' so he was probably having doubts. "Well what do we do with her?"
That was a good question. What would she do with Yuuki as well, now that she was dying?
"Jamie's going to have to take care of them when I-"
"Don't," Natsume interrupted. "Don't finish that sentence."
"Natsume, you can't pretend that I'm not d-"
This time he cut her off by kissing her. "Don't say it, Mikan. I'm not losing you again."
The burning pain caused by the death alice said otherwise, but she stopped trying. Now wasn't an appropriate time to be making out with Natsume.
She swallowed painfully. "I have to see Jamie." Before he replied, she grabbed his hand with one of hers, and Kaori's with the other, making sure to nullify her, and transported to Jamie's room, sending a thanks to God for at least having this alice to save time.
Jamie, lying on his bed, sat up immediately, almost toppling out of his bed again. "Mikan! What are you…?" he trailed off, staring at her bruised arm, then realized with dread what it meant. "No! No way! Not you. Not you!" He got to his feet, not noticing the splint anymore. "You can't die on me, Mikan, you can't!"
A small breath escaped her mouth. "Go get the other special stars, Jamie…"
"Mikan, you-"
"Go!" she let go of Natsume's hand. "You too. He's limping because of you. Go get everyone and bring them here, now."
Instantly they both zoomed out, and both returned moments later, Hotaru, Ruka, Jade, Mitsuki and Damien in tow, looking confused.
Until they caught sight of her.
They seemed to understand instantly that she was the one going to die.
Hotaru gritted her teeth and looked away; Ruka's breath caught in his throat and he silently turned to the floor; Jade and Mitsuki both started crying openly and Damien bit his lip lightly. Jamie limped over to his bed and collapsed in a heap on it. Natsume simply stood in the doorway, eyes void of all emotion.
"Let's start with what happened when I left," Mikan started. "I got to my room with Yuuki, and found out I had a mission. That was obviously part of the trap, so I went to the Dangerous Abilities old classroom, where I heard…" she paused blankly. "Where Kuonji was telling Persona to activate the alice stone of his that I have, to kill me. And where…" Another break in her voice, this time from pain. "Where I found out Kaori's been alive…"
Jamie visibly paled and looked at Kaori for the first time in years. Jade and Mitsuki both looked up abruptly, tears still falling, and stared at Kaori with shock, and Damien raised his eyebrows.
"And, as you can see, Kaori… she is alive… and I'm dying…"
Natsume flinched.
"I can't… I don't have time to tell you everything that has happened to me…" she sent an apologetic glance at Hotaru. Another sigh. "Which is why I'm requesting Jamie to tell everyone every detail of what has happened. When I say everyone," she paused, turning to Jamie, "I mean the whole school. The students, teachers, my uncle… every single person. Don't argue," she added when he opened his mouth. "I'm going to die, the least you can do is listen to what I want you to do.
"I also want you to take care of Yuuki and Kaori. I know that they're not yours, but you were always their father in their eyes, or at least an uncle or close friend-slash-relative." She took a deep breath. "And I need to apologize." She let out the breath and bit her lip.
"Because I knew this would happen."
She looked down, unable to face them.
"When I was given Persona's alice stone… I knew. That it wasn't just for help later. That it would be the death of me. I knew, and I didn't tell anyone except Mitsuki." Numbing pain shot through her and she slid to the floor. "Because I didn't know how you'd handle it. And I also told you," she said, aiming her attention at Jamie, "I told you I was only hiding one thing from you. But it's two things…" Her throat burned. "I didn't tell anyone this," her voice faltered, "because it scared me. And I couldn't describe it before. And I can't now either, because my voice is going. So, I apologize, Jamie, Jade especially you, because this will be painful for you to see."
An image formed on Jamie's wall.
Mikan was walking to her next class in America when she walked past the gate.
A woman was standing there. Just standing, staring through the bars, teary-eyed, her hair pinned behind her head and a hat covering the rest so she couldn't see the color.
And, out of the sheer curiosity of what a woman was doing there, Mikan walked over to her.
The woman flinched.
"You shouldn't be here," was Mikan's simple greeting. "The guards will shoo you away."
Nothing.
"Okay, you don't want to talk. You don't know me. Well, I'm Mikan." Nothing. "I was raped when I was eleven."
A blink.
"And so was one of my best friends, except she was younger, and it was by her dad."
Uncertainty entered the woman's eyes.
"But she repressed her memories. There, now you know something about me and my friend, so tell me something about you or your friends."
More silence before: "I am looking for my kids."
She titled her head. "Your kids? Well you won't find 'em. You should best go."
And with that, she started away, ignoring that the woman called after her.
And so, when the woman was there the next day, Mikan walked over again. "You shouldn't be here. The guards will shoo you away." She greeted again.
The woman smiled slightly.
"Your kids, huh? Still want to see them?"
A nod.
"Why?"
Hesitation.
"I need to apologize for my mistakes'
Mikan blinked.
"You are the same age as my children.
She didn't reply.
"You know them. I know you do."
"How could you know that? I might not."
She was silent again for a moment. "You must. Because you mentioned Jade."
Mikan stepped away.
"Please get them for me."
Another step away.
"They don't want to see you," she hissed. "You left them for dead."
"I know, that's why-"
"No! You'll hurt them! Jade will remember everything, and be hurt!"
"Then let me see Jamie at least!" She was pleading now.
"No. You hurt him. You hurt your own children beyond repair." She turned away now, unable to stand the woman's tears. "You don't deserve such wonderful people."
Mikan ran.
And the next day, she wasn't there.
Or the next day.
And then, Mikan was with Jamie and Jade and Arden, walking around far away from that section of the gate, near a different one, when she spotted her.
Jade was trying to escape Arden, who had wrapped his arms around her teasingly and refused to let her go. They had been dating for as long as Mikan could remember, and it was common to see something like that.
Jamie had an arm casually draped across Mikan's shoulders, and was scolding Arden's foolishness.
The woman caught Mikan's eyes, but didn't call out.
And later, when Mikan walked by without them, she was still there, and Mikan went over again.
"Don't ruin the happiness they have found."
The woman stared.
"I didn't want to. I want them to know I regret everything."
"You should." Mikan answered with harsh bluntness. "You are lucky Arden and me are here."
She stared again. "You are dating my son?"
"No." Mikan denied quickly. "I love Jamie. But no more than a friend or brother. Not as a lover. That slot in my life is filled."
The woman stared at her again. "My son is in love with you, then."
Mikan blushed. "No. We are just friends. He loves me no more than a friend or sister."
A small shake of the head.
"Then don't believe me. But he has an almost girlfriend. That isn't me. Me and Jamie aren't… compatible." Which was untrue.
Another headshake.
"Fine. Me and Jamie will grow up, fall in love, get married and live happily ever after with rainbows and lollipops and dancing unicorns. Is that better?"
A nod.
How insufferable.
"I was being sarcastic. We promised to be with each other forever, but marrying him isn't appealing. I am engaged to the boy I love."
Nothing.
"Be more concerned about Jade's relationship with Arden. They're dating."
Raised eyebrows.
"For a long time. They love each other. They're amazing. My fiancé bullies me whereas Arden cuddles Jade to death."
Nothing.
"Please do not come back this time."
Mikan walked away.
And the woman didn't come back.
"I know I should have told you. I know that. But…" Mikan trailed off, avoiding Jamie's eyes by still looking at the floor. "I couldn't. She left you. And I couldn't stand it, so I didn't think you could either. But I should have let you see her, even if you hated me after for making you. Because I kept thinking at that time: I would never leave my kids for dead. And I did. I left Kaori. I didn't want to, it wasn't exactly a choice, but I could have done something. But I didn't," she paused again, breathing harder. "And I realized that I was just like her. Unable to forgive myself for letting it happen, wanting to change the past. Unable too. I was just like her!" She broke into sobs. "And now, Kaori's suddenly back from the dead. And I'll never have the chance to make it up to her."
She turned to Kaori weakly. "I'm sorry," again she had to stop talking to let sobs through. "I let this happen. I should have stopped it – stopped him. But I can't now. I'm such a fucking failure…especially as a mother."
Kaori stared at her. Silent for a long time.
Mikan's vision blurred from either tears, or the death alice reaching her eyes.
"I forgive you."
Three words.
Three words that she never thought she'd hear. Especially from Kaori.
She smiled faintly. "Thank you."
"I never hated you, Mommy."
Mommy. She was still calling her Mommy.
Finally she looked back at the others.
Jamie was an unnatural pale green color, it seemed. Maybe she was seeing things. Jade looked mortified, probably because of seeing her mother again. Mitsuki's hands were covering her face, and she was leaning heavily against Damien, who had stopped biting his lip because it had started bleeding and looked like he was using Mitsuki as support to stand. Hotaru looked empty, numb, unable to feel anything and beside her, Ruka looked the same color as Jamie.
Natsume wouldn't look at her.
"I'm sorry… not just about Kaori. I came back, not really thinking about this. Not thinking… that I had come back only to die… I'm sorry that I only caused everyone more grief. If I hadn't come back, at least you'd think I was the nitwit I was before." She cut herself off before she said or did something stupid.
"…You're such an idiot." Hotaru said at last, voice shaking. She tried to say something else, but all that came out was a choked sob. She tried again, this time succeeding, "You wanted to make us hate you so we wouldn't hurt when you died? You're so stupid to think we could ever hate you." Without another word, she ran out of the room.
Mikan stared blurrily at the door, before turning her attention back to the people left. First, she turned to Mitsuki and Damien. "You have to promise me you'll take care of her Damien," she started simply. "I've been pretending not to notice how you look at Mitsuki, and I swear if you hurt her, I will kick your ass despite not being here." Damien had the decency to turn pink and Mitsuki's sobs paused briefly.
She turned to Ruka. "I'm sorry for changing so much. And thank you… for making an effort to talk to me even though I probably scared you to death… please… tell Hotaru that I love her very much." Ruka nodded stiffly, unable to speak.
Kaori and Yuuki, who looked terribly confused and scared. "Look… Yuuki, I won'tbe with you anymore-"
"You promised you wouldn't leave me! You promised!" Yuuki cried, grabbing onto her arm.
She swallowed. "I'm sorry I can never keep my promises. I need you… when I'm gone, I need you to do what Jamie says, okay? He knows what's best for you… so you both have to make sure to listen to him."
Yuuki started bawling hysterically, and Mikan forced herself to look at Jamie and Jade. They both stared at her with blank expressions, not believing what was happening. She pretended not to notice that Jamie's eyes had spilled over with tears, despite his rule of never crying in front of her. "I…" what do I say to you? "…I'm sorry to leave you with so many responsibilities, Jamie…I'm sorry that I can't stay with you, forever, like I promised I would.
"Jade, I'm sorry to have brought back these painful memories of yours, and I'm sorry I could never tell you what happened to me without you remembering. This time… you probably won't forget this time. And that makes me even more sorry. To never be able to explain anything to you…" her eyes flicked between her and Jamie. "There isn't enough time to tell you both how much you mean to me, and how happy I am that you broke me out of my shell and made me make friends… I love you both… so much more than you'll ever know."
Natsume.
Now to face the hardest person. She could barely handle looking at Jamie's distraught face, and now she would have to see the same look on Natsume's face.
Biting her tongue, she turned back to the doorway, where he still stood, jaw clenched. Taking a deep breath, she moved her eyes away from him. "Natsume I…love you…so much that it hurts… and I hate that I have to leave you right after we met again and sorted out our issues…" she felt her throat tighten. "But… I know that you can move on." Don't forget me. "And find someone else to hold and love…" Don't find someone else, please. "Someone… that will never leave you, like I have too." She forced her gaze back to him, not surprised to see that he was shaking his head. "You can't continue to love me when I'm dead, Natsume. You… have to move on."
Black fog clouded her mind, and she felt her body tilt forward, heard Jamie yell out her name, and felt his arms catch her as she slid away, out of their lives, completely.
OH SNAP. I AM A BITCH. I UPDATE AFTER SO LONG… TO GIVE YOU THIS? Well, forgive me if it's bad, but it's one thirty in the morning and I am writing this instead of sleeping. Get over it.
I have been listening to Evanescence's song My Last Breath and Skillet's song Awake and Alive pretty much the whole time I've been writing this. With the occasional Avenged Sevenfold break. God this has been hard. I had no idea how to go with this, but it turned out fine, so… good? Review and scream about what I've done if you please.
Okay. You have no idea how hard it was for me to make Mikan not have this in when she was apologizing to Jamie:
'I'm sorry I rejected you when you told me you were in love with me.
I'm sorry I pretended it never happened.
…
I'm sorry I fell in love with you.'
You. Have. No. Idea. How much I wanted to make Jamie and Mikan get together. I was not intending them at all, but I somehow it happened. And don't pretend there isn't some part of you that wanted them together.
But I couldn't do it. This is a NatsuMikan fic, not JaMikan. But it still disappoints me horribly. If I could make Mikan have two boyfriends, it would be Natsume and Jamie. Definitely.
God dammit. Oh well. Mikan could not have said that in front of Natsume, either. I mean. Her last words saying she was in love with someone else? Yeah, no. Not happening. I'm a cold bitch, but I'm not that cold (Says the girl that just killed(?) Mikan off.)
But this is most certainly not the end! There's still the next chapter… and probably another two after that? I have no idea. I didn't even think this story would get to twenty chapters, let alone get fifty reviews. I'm flattered.
And probably about to get a mouthful from panicking readers.
I WILL UPDATE SOON. I HAVE BEEN PLANNING THIS MOMENT SINCE I STARTED THIS FANFIC. AND I WANT IT TO HAPPEN.
WOO CAPS LOCK.