December 24th 2006
John Paul wasn't in the mood for a party. He had spent the whole day arguing with his Mum and sisters about anything they could seem to find fault in. All he had wanted to do was lock himself in his room, the one place he could escape anyone getting to him. But that all changed when Chloe had turned up at the house, determined to drag him out to a party at Mark's house. Before John Paul had even been able to open his mouth, his Mum had answered for him and was practically being pushed out the door by her and pulled out of it by Chloe.
He had zoned out as Chloe began talking about how excited she was for him to open the present she had got him, and how she was looking forward to spending Christmas Day family at his house. He heard pieces of her speech as he looked around the bleakness of the estate he lived on. Was this really all there was for him? Was this going to be his life forever?
He could feel Chloe excitedly pulling on his arm, and he suddenly felt so irritated, he just wanted to pull his arm away and run off as fast as he could. He didn't want to go to this party and yet he still found himself going just to make someone else happy.
As they arrived he plastered the fake smile he had spent years perfecting on his face, and greeted all his friends, Crystal came bounding over to Chloe and started talking excitedly about Christmas and then turned and gave Mark a small wave before turning the conversation to Chloe. John Paul looked to Mark who waved at him casually before continuing the conversation he was in with someone he hadn't seen before, his friends were not good with welcoming new people into their group, in fact they never talked to anyone outside their circle of friends.
John Paul could hear Chloe and Crystal talking, her turned to look at them, Crystal was beaming, talking about her Mark's plans for Christmas. He wondered if she would be so happy if she knew how many times her boyfriend had cheated on her in the last year. How Mark would brag to him about all the girls he had slept with behind Crystals back.
Mark was now making his way over to John Paul, with his new friend. He introduced him as Scott before going to stand with Crystal. As it turned out Scott was the only interesting person at the party that night, he was cousins with Crystal and was staying with the family for Christmas before he went back down to London. Crystal had laughed and interrupted their conversation saying how she knew they would get along, blabbing on about music and DJing all night. John Paul hated that his friends were like that, at least Scott was doing something with his life. What were they all doing sitting around waiting for something to change. Something to happen that never would.
He had to get out of the house that now felt as it was closing in around him. He made his way through the room after excusing himself to Scott, and opened the front door quickly shutting it behind him as he left. He moved up the road away from the sound of whatever it was they were calling music that week blared out the house.
He hated how fake it all was. How fake he had become. He hadn't always felt that way. He remembered a time when he felt like he fitted in, like he belonged to something special that a lot of people would have loved to have had in their lives. But over the past few weeks he had seen himself grow even more detached from his friends, finding it a hardship to be able to relate to them, and as the time went on he wasn't even sure he wanted to be able to relate himself to people like that because in truth he didn't want to be like them at all.
He sat down on a wall a few houses down and looked up and down the road, there was no one else about and the faint sound of the music from down the road started filling the air.
Even Chloe, someone who he had always been so happy with, was starting to blend in with them, become someone he wasn't sure he liked any more, let alone wanted to be with. Then a realisation hit John Paul. Maybe it wasn't them that had changed. Maybe it was him. Maybe they had always been that way but he was just starting to realise that he didn't like that, and that somewhere along the way he had changed and found himself moving away from them, detaching himself from them.
But what else was there? He had no one else. They were the only friends he had ever had, and maybe those friends was better than having no friends.
"I see you're enjoying the party as much as I am"
John Paul looked up to see the new friend he had made that night looking down at him, holding out a drink for him to take. Scott sat down next to him and sighed.
"I said I didn't want to come tonight, but my aunt and uncle practically pushed me out the door"
"My Mum and sisters did the exact same thing to me"
John Paul took a sip of his drink, and turned to look at the profile of the man sitting next to him. He admired him, there were so many things about him that he wished he could be. There was a confidence and happiness in himself that John Paul only wished he could have. He could see by just looking at Scott that he belonged somewhere, it most defienetly wasn't here, but that's what made it stand out even more, he stood out amongst all those people in there, all of them exactly the same and here was someone daring to be different, that he admired more than anything.
"Its not fun is it? Being forced out the house and made to come to parties full of people that don't even know you"
Scott turned to look at John Paul. He must have noticed John Paul staring because as he turned a smile spread across his face. And it said so many things, it was full of such understanding.
"Well don't quote me on this but, I do know all those people in there"
"But they don't know you do they?"
John Paul turned away. The truth in the statement making him completely lose his train of thought.
"I mean no doubt you're looking at me and thinking that guy does not belong here. But I've got news for you. Neither do you. I was watching you in there, you looked like you'd rather be anywhere else but there, and those people are meant to be your friends?"
"Its just been a shit day. I wasn't in the mood for any party and like I said I got dragged here"
John Paul still couldn't turn to face Scott. The truth in every single word he spoke was like a dagger in his chest. It hurt to actually hear someone say those things to him, to hear someone tell him the truth so brutally, a truth that he found hard enough telling to himself.
He felt the warmth of the body next to him move away "You remind me of me not so long ago John Paul. Completely trapped" John Paul didn't know how he managed it but he finally found some courage to look up at Scott who was now standing up looking at him just a few steps away "But you'll get there. Just like I did"
With that he had walked away back to the party, he heard the music go louder and then quieter again as the door was opened then closed, and he looked back into his now empty cup. He knew he had to go back to the party. Go back inside and put the smile back on his face, if he didn't there would only be questioning as to why he left and where he went, and just the thought of that exhausted him, it was just easy to go back, fade into the background and put on the front he had been doing for so long.
Lie awake in bed at night and think about your life - do you want to be different?
Present Day
John Paul opened his eyes and sat up quickly. He kept having that same dream. Reliving the same moment over and over again. It had been on his mind for a while now, for some reason that night playing in his head repeatedly. He turned to his side to see Chloe still curled up asleep and he sighed.
When he had got home that Christmas Eve he had made a promise to himself, to start to change, to make something of himself, to do something different. But as he looked around his room, he realised that everything was exactly the same. It was a different room, a different place – but he hadn't changed. He was still terrified. And still stuck.
The truth was as much as he knew he had to break out of it, part of him was even terrified to do that. It meant he could possibly lose everything he had come to hold closest to him. He knew he would lose Chloe. He knew if they carried on as they were, the relationship would destruct and John Paul would emerge as the bad guy, the person who ended up hurting her.
And he didn't want it to be like that. He didn't want to hurt her any more, but he knew with everyday he stayed with her, with every I love you that he lied to her, he knew by just doing those things, he was hurting her. And he knew what he had to do, he knew he finally had to find some kind of courage for once in his life to do the right thing. Not to be a coward.
Try to let go of the truth - the battles of your youth - cause this is just a game
Craig had been the only one to test him on it. To question him about it. And he found some strength in that, because he held onto the hope that perhaps Craig had some faith in him that he would do the right thing, that Craig believed in him. And that made him even more motivated, because he wanted to the kind of person that deserved that feeling from Craig, that deserved the faith he gave him, because right now he knew he wasn't.
At first Craig stopping their kiss last night had angered John Paul, but this morning he understood why he had. He understood that Craig wanted more than that for himself, even though his feelings were just as strong as John Paul's, Craig had a strength that John Paul didn't have. He was able to stop that moment, and give John Paul a choice. And John Paul's anger again had made him walk away from Craig, at the time he couldn't see how Craig could cut himself off so quickly from such intense feelings, but now John Paul saw it for what it was.
It wasn't Craig cutting himself off, it was Craig protecting himself. He didn't want to be another victim of the pain that John Paul was causing people, another part of the lie John Paul was living.
He had done the right thing stopping the kiss. No matter how much they both wanted more, it had been the right thing to do. And John Paul now hoped that he would be able to do just that, the right thing. In the hopes that one day maybe Craig would look at him like he had before he kissed him last night. Want him like he had last night.
He felt Chloe stirring next to him and he stood up from the bed and walked across the room, sitting in the chair near his desk. He knew she would wake up soon and come over to him stand in front of him, take his hands in hers and kiss them lightly. No doubt then asking them what they would do before she had to leave. And it was now or never. He had to do this otherwise she would get in that car and go back home and he would never be able to do this.
It's a beautiful lie - it's the perfect denial such a beautiful lie to believe in
Almost as if on cue he felt her hands grip his, he held onto them tightly and looked up into her eyes. He couldn't help but smile back at her as a small smile grew across her face. There was no denying the affection there, he loved her in a way that he always had and always would, and he no doubt could have carried on in the lie, maybe even be happy living his life like that, part of him wanted that just for her, so he knew she would be happy. But she deserved more than that, she deserved someone who really loved her, that would do anything to be with her and that person wasn't John Paul.
"I'm not leaving till this afternoon... you want to do something?" Chloe dropped John Paul's hands and moved over to her bag near the bed and started pulling out clothes "Maybe we could go and see Craig before we go, his such a sweet guy, we didn't see much of him last night... he left right after Tom. I think there might be something going on there you know..."
John Paul watched her as she continued to talk, he stood up from the chair and stood behind her, wrapping his arms around her tightly, feeling her lean back against him.
"What's got into you?"
John Paul took a breathe "Chlo... we need to talk, well I need to talk and I really need you to listen"
"John Paul you know you can tell me anything"
The words only made everything harder. Because the truth was he couldn't. It wasn't her fault, maybe it was his, he had never let himself open up to her, never felt like he wanted to talk to her about how he really felt. Not for so long.
"This. You and me. I think we need to finish things" The grip she had on his arms that were resting across her stomach loosened, but he didn't let her move, he still held onto her.
"I think we both know, that this hasn't been working for a while. And its my fault I should have told you sooner, I let you carry believing I felt the same, even when you suspected I didn't I always managed to convince you that I did. I've been selfish and I've been holding onto you for all the wrong reasons, you deserve more than that Chloe. You deserve more than me"
"But... things have been okay recently. They've been better. We've both been really trying..."
"The reason its easier Chloe is because we hardly ever see each other. Your there and I'm here and when we see each other its easy to pretend that its working, we slip back into normal mode and just go through all the motions almost automatically. And I do love you but its not right, you've been the closest thing I've had to a real friend for the last few years, and part of me was terrified of doing this because I know I'm probably gonna lose you"
"John Paul... I love you... I don't want this to end, I thought... we have all these plans for the future, they can't just have changed over night"
John Paul shook his head "They were never real" he heard Chloe let out a small sob and she moved away from him, walking across the room to stand near the chair he had just been sitting in.
It's time to forget about the past to wash away what happened last - hide behind an empty face don't ask too much, just say
"They aren't my dreams. They may be yours, but not mine. You never once asked me if any of that was what I wanted, I just went along with it, because I wanted you to be happy. Like I've always done with everyone, like I always do... and I can't do any more. I'm tired Chloe. I'm tired of going along with everyone else because I don't want to to hurt anyone else, of letting everyone else decide things for me and of being too afraid to admit who I am"
"But that's just who you are John Paul... there's nothing wrong with that, you've always looked out for everyone else above yourself its who you are"
"But why should it be? What about me?"
"That's a pretty selfish attitude"
"I have spent all my life not being selfish. Never doing anything I wanted, letting everyone else control me, and I'm sick of it and I'm not doing it any more"
"I don't understand how you can just wake up and suddenly feel this way..."
"I haven't decided this over night Chloe! I've been carrying this around for months now, and you didn't even notice. No one did"
A silence filled the room as John Paul finished speaking. Chloe slumped down into the chair, defeated. There was nothing left for him to say. Anything else would have been lost on Chloe, as she struggled to even grasp that this wasn't what he wanted any more.
"Is that why you would treat me like that? Because you were angry with me? Making you stay with someone who you couldn't even..."
He shook his head and stepped closer to her "This isn't about you. Its me. And when I spoke to you those times I did, I wasn't angry with you. I was angry with me, for letting things get that far..."
"So why not finish it then John Paul? Why carry on for so long? We sat there not even a month ago on that bed and I asked you. I asked you if this was what you really wanted... if you still wanted me, I wanted to walk away then, but you made me see that what we had is worth fighting for, we can be good together John Paul I know we can... and you know that too..."
"You were right that day Chloe. But that day I was scared, and I wasn't ready to let you go, but I know I have to"
She was crying now with every word he spoke and she placed her head in her hands. John Paul knew this was going to be hard, that she would question him. She was good at getting him to see things her way, but she couldn't win at this. All he thought of was Craig and the strength he had given him to do this, and he held onto the reasons why, that he might one day deserve Craig.
"It's over Chloe"
Everyone's looking at me I'm running around in circles - a quiet desperation's building higher
John Paul moved across the room and stood in front of her, reaching out his arms. She fell into them and sobbed into his chest "And you know its for the best"
She tried to form words between the tears, her voice breaking as she spoke "I know, I just didn't..."
Her voice broke off again as her tears overwhelmed her. They stood there for a while. Chloe resting in his arms, her crying growing quieter and quieter. Until they were both silent, and he suddenly felt the loss of her in his arms.
"I should go..."
"You don't have to go straight away..."
"Yeah I really do..."
She moved away from him and picked up the clothes she had placed on the bed. John Paul picked up some jeans from the chair.
"I'll give you some time"
He pulled on the jeans and left the room slowly. As he shut the door, he was sure he heard her begin to cry again, and part of him thought he should go back inside and stay with her, but they were tears she clearly needed to cry alone. Tears for herself, not for the loss of her and John Paul.
The house was unusually quiet, and when he stepped down the final stair into the living room he found it empty. He was happy for the solitude, which in this house he usually had to fight for.
When he reached the fridge he found a note for him and Chloe stating that the McQueen women had gone out for the day and that there was no milk. He sighed and let out a small laugh. Only could his Mum and sisters make him laugh and be annoyed with them all at the same time. He pulled his jacket on and made his way out the door to buy milk. He used it as an excuse to get out of the confines of the house. To give Chloe sometime alone.
While there was a sadness he felt for Chloe. The feeling of relief for himself completely overtook any other emotion he had. Maybe it wasn't a big step. But he felt like he had finally taken the first one, and the person he wanted to tell more than anyone was Craig. As he walked to the store it was pretty much all he had been able to think about. He wondered what his reaction would be, if he would be proud of him for being able to be honest with her.
He pulled his mobile from his pocket, hopeful that if he text him the two of the could meet up and talk, it was more an excuse just to be able to see him again, and almost as if fate had somehow read his mind he saw Craig standing outside the shop, his coat firmly wrapped around him, shivering slightly. John Paul smiled brightly, he knew Craig hadn't seen him yet, and he was happy to watch as Craig's face changed expression every now and then. Then he saw it break out into a smile. And John Paul wished that he was closer so he could appreciate it fully, so he could watch his face closely.
It's a beautiful lie
The feeling soon changed, as he saw that the smile was provoked by someone else, someone now standing opposite Craig. And Craig's expression changed again, his face softened and his body moved closer to the man... that moment John Paul realised who it was. Tom. He watched them share that moment. Two friends so close and comfortable with one another. And John Paul hated it. He hated that Tom could make Craig smile like that, that Craig could lean so close to him and Tom wouldn't flinch even with all the people that surrounded. He hated that every look and touch they shared seem to hold some undertone.
He couldn't stand it any more and he felt his feet begin to move from where they were standing. But stop almost instantly again when he saw Tom lean in and kiss Craig.
It was one of those moments when you wanted the ground to open up and swallow you. Or where you wanted to wake up and have the whole thing have been some kind of dream. Or for Craig to turn and look at John Paul and laugh like it was all one big joke.
It's the perfect denial
But the way Craig leant into Tom, the way his hands rested on Tom's back, John Paul knew that this moment was real and that nothing was going to snap him out of it. And he felt sick. A feeling grew inside of him that he had never felt before. A feeling like he wanted to run over and rip Tom away from Craig and ask him what the hell he was doing. Find out what the hell Craig was doing.
Hadn't they just been together last night, Craig and John Paul. Kissing. Craig had kissed him. And now he was watching this play out in front of him. He couldn't look any more and he turned away, no thought of where he was going or what he was going to do.