Kids say the Damndest Shit

I wrote down the names of every hero I could think of, Justice League, Young Justice, Uncle Sam and the Dead Presidents... Then I wrote in the names of every civilian I like, Lois Lane, Dr. Samuel Harding. Also the Trickster, I wrote down his name to. Basically I wrote down the names of everyone I liked who were good just as they were... Sadly Killer Croc was not written down, I mean I like the guy, but he does eat people.

Once I was done I modded my head and cleared my throat.

"Mr. Mxyzptlk." I said plainly.

"You rang!"

I greeted the Imp with a curt nod. He looked a lot different than the last time I saw him. For one, he was no longer composed of Math Puns. He looked... Well like a skinny dwarf with almost cartoon proportions. His head was too big for his body, but at the same time it seemed proportioned like having it be any smaller would look wrong. He had pointed ears and a balding head barely covered by a bowler hat. He had a nice taste in suits though. Also interesting to note, he only had four fingers on each of his gloved hands.

"Glad you're here Mxy, see I have had an idea bubbling in my mind that I might need a bit of help with."

"I'm all ears." Said the Imp who was now literally a giant ear in a suit... Ok.

I revealed the small 2 by 3 inch composition notebook in my hand.

"I'm carrying around this little notebook with names in it. I was hoping you could both make it indestructible and have a copy yourself."

Mxy rose a brow in confusion as he snapped his fingers. A small identical book appeared above him and fell i to his hands.

"There, this book is just like that one. Words and all, in addition everything you write in yours is mirrored on mine. Nothing short of a true vacuum event will destroy it. So mind telling me what this is about?" Asked Mxy.

"Ever since the Klarion ... Whatever the hell that thing was, when I had beings above God's gaze at me, I had the inkling of an idea that I think might fix a big problem of mine. I don't know if it'll work, but if it does I'm gonna need help to do it on my terms."

Mxy scratched his chin in contemplation.

"There are entities far greater than you paying attention to this world because of that little incident. I don't really see where you're coming from though Cell... Though the fact that you seem to be taking this serious has me... Concerned. Other than names... What is the deal with this book?"

"It's just a list of people who I like just the way they are, you know people that are good in my book."

...

"Was that a pun?"

"Yes... Yes it was."

Mxyzptlk barked out a laugh.

"Alright Cell, I'll let you keep your secrets. I do love surprises anyway. Something tells me this is going to be something special."

And like that Mister Mxyzptlk vanished in a puff of ill logic... Seriously how does Logic even get sick?

Well, no matter. I looked to the sleeping forms of Lapis and Lazuli with a smile. I was doing this for them. They've been through so much already, they deserve a happy ending.

"Arf!"

You too Jerry, you to.

It wasn't much longer that Lapis and Lazuli awoke peacefully.

"Rise and shine sleepy heads."

"What happened?" Asked Lapis.

"Something stupid probably." Said Lazuli with a yawn as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

"The Father Box turned out to be a bastard." I said as I took said box out of my pocket, tossing it up and down in my hand.

"I took care of it. I'll have to find a way to reprogram it."

"Oh good, another dumb idea. Things make sense again." Said Lazuli as she stood up off the bed and stretched.

"Damn that is one comfy bed." Said Lapis.

"Well it is in the presidential suite. C'mon, let's go back to the Mountain."

I watched as Cell and his siblings left their room. I waited a while longer before I actually moved to the door. It was a simple lock, one easily broken with the simple application of a rock. As soon as I was in, I realized that I really was missing a lot. This was the nicest room I have ever seen in a hotel. No doubt for the comfort of whatever entity parades around in the president's skin after all election results since Kennedy was shot by a time displaced Deadshot. I have proof for that one… none for possible Presidential Skin Puppets, but I know I'm close.

I looked to the trash can, they didn't seem to eat much. A banana peel and some paper towels. I already knew Cell was heavily modified just like bananas, so this was useless… still I am confident that he has no connection to any group, at least not i intentionally… i believe I can trust him…

Wait…

How can I be certain that either Cell or his siblings ate this Banana… damn, need more information first. This could be a trick to lull me into a false sense of security…. I need to find his real trash… but where does Cell live?

…

Wait… these paper Towels are wet… with tiny particles of sand on them… So what is wet and sandy? The beach then… but what beach? Cell was first seen in Gotham, but there are no beaches there, at least none anyone would want to visit, most beaches are old and filled with trash, or as I liked to call it evidence…. Wait… most beaches ARE old… old… Cell is seen with members of the Justice League, their Old Hideout was Mt. Justice, before they abandoned it… there was even a beach in that area… of course, so I must go there, and find Cells real trash. Only then can I fully trust him with what I know.

However, will he trust me… that… is the Question.

"Hi Sammy, what has S.T.A.R Labs been up to since the last time I been here?"

Sammy sighed. He really didn't like it when I called him that. He shrugged it off though. After accepting that I wasn't going anywhere, he motioned for me to follow. I put my hands in my pockets as we walked down the halls past the usual Cyberpunk Frankenstein decor into a room full of esoteric chemicals, beakers, glass jars, microscopes, and a central table with green pills on them. Well they weren't on the table, they were in a container that held each one individually.

"Take a look, we call them Regenerator C-Types, though some have taken to calling them 1-Ups."

"I love the name already. I'll take six."

Sammy shook his head before he grabbed a single pill and handed it to me. It was small, about the size of your average cough drop. I turned to him, confusion clear on my face. He sighed again.

"Sorry, forgot who I was talking to. We've isolated how you regenerate so efficiently. Every cell in your body can synthesize a unique Energy Rich molecule that is basically an ATP Analogue that does… something that makes cell division happen in ways that should violate the laws of physics. These pills, when taken revitalize the body, heal wounds, and even bring those who take it to a state of peak physical performance."

…

My God….

….

THESE AMAZING BASTARDS MADE SENZU BEANS.

"Can I… can I have some?"

"I don't think you really need any, were not to human trials yet."

I sighed as I handed the pill back.

"Say, what about that liver thing?"

Sammy smiled and nodded.

"All signs point to a miracle, human trials started already and thus far it's being proclaimed as a medical marvel."

"Neat, Thanks me." I said as I high Fived my own hand… with my clone hands.

"Way to go Cell."

"You know it other Cell."

"Three Cheers for the Cell Squad!" Said Also Cell.

"Yay." Said The Bugman Also Known as Cell as he sat in the corner reading… huh… apparently Twilight.

"Where did you...?" I asked before he sighed.

"M'gann, she was quite insistent."

…

That evil green genius… she's making my clones suffer…. That's MY JOB! I dismissed the Clones as I crossed my arms and leaned against a desk.

"So what about the Wonder Twins."

"You mean the two androids. Well Red Inferno was taken to a facility in Star City while we kept Red Torpedo."

So that's what he was called.

"They won't be a problem will they?"

"We're professionals. Currently no plans to repair them has been brought up, were more focused on getting an in depth look at their functions and abilities."

"And…"

Sammy sighed.

"The payment went through, my bosses said you're now the Majority Stockholder of S.T.A.R. Labs, which makes you my boss now."

"There it is, ah I love getting paid in stocks…. Say it again."

"I am not going to do that."

I shrugged.

"Fair Enough."

All things considered, I'm not entirely sure that I didn't have this coming.

"... Then you were like *pew pew* and Godfrey was "I'm Strongest there is" and then you turned really big and the Flying guy with the big voice punched him, and then Godfrey punched you and that Helmet came out of you and Godfrey put it on and then he died." Said the happy toddler.

So I have fans now. Sweet.

"That is indeed how I remembered it anonymous child, every word."

"My name is Gerald, and I'm ten."

"Of course it is Anonymous Child." I said as I patted the little guy on the head.

He pouted... It was adorable.

"So Mr. Cell, whatcha gonna do next? Can you fight Batman... No Superman, I betcha you can fight him and win, cause you're a cool gross bug guy and Superman looks kinda like my moms strong muscley friend who comes over when daddy is away on business trips. Hey who would win in a fight between you and that scary guy with the shiny helmet... Doctor Flake or Fart or something like that?"

...

I like this kid, he's on my level.

"Well you see little Billy..."

"Gerald."

"Frank, Dr. Fate happens to be a good friend of mine, you know that's true because only a good friend will take you on a round the world trip through a mountain and several oceans, also went through a bear…. Like literally through it… not much of a bear left after that to be honest with you... What were we talking about again?"

"I don't know what any of that means Mr. Cell."

"It means stop asking questions, and eat your vegetables or something."

"But broccoli is yucky."

I nodded.

"Your argument is valid, very well... Here take this 100$ bill... Buy yourself some candy or something."

"Wow... I'M RICH!" Said Bobby as he ran off waving his money like he wasn't quite sure how to make it rain.

Kids love me.

So I was out on the streets of Gotham. Really, I ran out of things to do. I was recognized several times, but no one seemed to want to come up to me bit Franklin or whatever his name was. I just sorta wandered around, in my experience that was usually a good way to bump into something stupid. It has to happen eventually, I am me aftwr all.

The night started to fall as I made my way through the more speedier areas of Gotham. Apparently Batman was much better at his job than I originally thought, because there were normal people walking around not getting stabbed by one of Gotham's many MANY maniacs. Not to mention that whole Vampire Cult thing… that was still a thing. They're probably not ready to take over the world to make a Live Action version of that Daybreakers movie where Sam Neill was an evil vampire and Willem Dafoe was… Willem Dafoe. I wonder if I can fit Sam Neill and Willem Dafoe in the Harryhausen Shared Movie universe I'm working on. He could be a grizzled old cowboy who ropes the Allosaurus Gwangi in an attempt to kill the Rhedosaurus after the Ymir battle on Venus… Sam Neill can be the resident dinosaur expert because type casting is a thing… Oh! He could be a Vampire Paleontologist. Hell Yeah!

…

I have abnormally long inner thoughts.

"Ow! Stupid fucking car."

…

"What was that?"

It sounded like a kids voice, but he just dropped the F-Bomb like a champ. I rounded the corner and saw… is that the Batmobile?

Wait a minute…. Where are it's tires?...

No…. No fucking way.

Oh Yes… yes Fucking way.

There was a fucking Kid, stealing the tires off the Batmobile right in front of me. He already had 3 off and was on the last one… this was pure…. GOLD!

Only one person comes to mind who that could be, but I had to be sure.

"Jason Todd!"

The kid turned around, saw me, probably wet himself…. And made a run for it…. Oh however will I catch up with this little child… oh gee I don't know, how about instant transmission.

I popped in front of the kid, who ran into my legs and fell back on the ground like he was smacked by the hammer of God… or gravity…. Gravity has hammers right? Or did Halo lie to me?

"Ow! Fuck!"

Oh this was too good.

"So… trying to vandalize Batmans car huh? I did that to, but I painted it pink."

The kid rubbed his head as he looked up at me. Recognition glashed in his eyes.

"Hey, you're that bug asshole… Cell right?"

"Guilty as charged young Jason."

His face morphed into one of suspicious confusion.

"Wait… how do you know my name?"

"Oh that's because I'm magic."

His little eyes narrowed as he stood up and brushed himself off.

"Whatever, I don't care."

"If you say so Jason." I said as I followed after him.

He tried very hard to ignore me, but he was also a kid with anger issues and a lot of other issues… actually Jason Todd was just a basket case waiting to happen. If Batman never took him in, he probably would have become another victim of the Bat Punch.

"Stop following me."

…

"No."

One day people will get me…. Sadly that is not this day.

"Asshole."

I like this kid. He's like a less funny me, just as mature with half the wit.

"Don't actually have one of those. I can never poop... Ever."

Jason just kinda… looked up at me.

"That's disgusting."

"No, that pure concentrated evil that comes from beyond the realm of asses is disgusting. I'm just efficient."

Jason grumbled.

"Funny way of saying you're fucking retarded."

Oh Jason… you adorable little asshole, never change. Speedy wishes he could reach your level of asshole-ish-ness.

"Oh yeah…. Well you smell."

I'm a big boy who uses big boy words.

"Weak!" He said dismissively.

"I know you are but what an I?"

"Still fucking weak."

Oh truly the Presence has blessed me this day. This could be fun. It's like a tiny angry Corgi… only without being quite as adorable or existing to trip bigger people.

"I should probably carry around some soap to clean the fuck out of your mouth, literally. I'll scrub it out of your vocabulary."

"Is this a creep thing? Cause I'm getting creep vibes."

I shook my head.

"No, but you know what kid, I think you're just the sort of person who could use a little guidance…. Wanna learn to shoot fireballs from your hands?"

That… got his attention. Nothing like highly dangerous techniques to get the attention of a tiny problem child whose anger dial is constantly set to "Pissed the Fuck Off".

"Go on." He said as he crossed his arms.

"Here's the deal, you're gonna go back to the Batmobile and steal them tires. If you can do it without getting caught, I'll teach you a bit of Ki manipulation." I said as I formed an orb of Ki in my hands.

He stared at it in awe before shaking his head.

"And if I get caught?"

"Well, there isn't a quota on Robins now is there. Go on little Space Cowboy, you can't lose either way."

His face lit up. Oh yeah, this was going to be good. Really Jason was in desperate need of guidance, I knew I couldn't give it to him… but Batdad could, and maybe I could teach him a trick before that crowbar incident happened. Betcha that would shock the hell out of the Joker. Teach you for ruining my dinner, well now you got a face full of Angry toddler level FUCK YOU Ki.

I knew that no matter what Jason would get caught by Batman, but that also meant that by the time he was Robin, well it was only a matter of time before we meet. I'm sure he would remember me, I'm a hard guy to forget. He'll remember what I said, and If he asks, well… Jason Todd throwing Ki Blasts just seems like a great idea… yep, can't see anything bad happening there… might have to have Jason watch some Bob Ross videos, learn the secrets of mellowing out from the universe's most mellow fellow.

Just in case something stupid happened though, I watched Jason from above, and thankfully enough Batman came not too long after Jason got the last tire off. I smiled, satisfied with the days work. The future looked to be just that much brighter. I took out my note book and wrote Jason Todd in it before pocketing it.

"See you later Space Cowboy." I said with a two finger salute.

I flew off onto the sky, looking at the ground…

….

You know…. I didn't notice this until just now… but there are a lot of Dandelions growing out of cracks in the ground. Allergy season is gonna suck this year.

"Riots following the startling revelation og Glorious Godfrey have reached new heights as a crowd of angry ex-fans destroy…."

*click*

"... are stumped as citizens in more rural areas began fleeing en masse from their homes seemingly for no disern…"

*click*

"Looks like your toxin is starying to take hold." Said Ivy as she turned off the television.

Small trickles of Fear pulsed through the plants. It was a beautiful sight to behold to be sure. I placed my ring against the root and watched as small tendrils extended towards my ring.

"What are you doing Crane?"

She didn't see it? That was very interesting.

"You can't see it?"

"See what?" Asked Ivy.

"Fear "

She shook her head as she looked to the roots with a soft gaze. She leaned in close before sighing and shaking her head.

"Sorry, I don't see anything. Must be the ring."

"Perhaps, I can see Fear flowing from the roots. It's not quite a Lantern Battery, but it will do for now.

"Yellow Lantern Ring at 5.64% Charge. Warning structural damage detected, Max Charge reached."

That will do just fine