Chapter 21: Bygone

For over two hours, Poe and Finn entertained Rey with stories of their missions, things they had learnt, and places they had seen. It was just after Poe had all-too eagerly pulled Finn's shirt up to show off his metal-dotted back that Finn's ground squad had shown up and dragged him off to go tell their stories to another bonfire cluster.

They were 'ooh-ing' over the cybernetics all the way across the gatherings.

Poe came to sit next to Rey, and studied her closely.

"As much as you've been laughing at our capers and appearing the general picture of happiness," Poe slung an arm around her and fished a couple of Galactic Credits out of his pocket, "Credit for whatever is chewing up the gorgeous girl in there?"

Rey rolled her eyes, and looked back at the fire again.

What was on her mind?

Oh, right.

How in the name of the Force Kylo seemed to know Poe. And not in an 'I tortured you once upon a time' kind of way.

But how did one ask that question at all? It wasn't like Rey could tell him Kylo seemed to know him, for obvious reasons, and she had no other basis to seem interested in such a thing.

Except…

"How are you familiar with Luke? You seemed to know each other."

Poe shifted uncomfortably.

"That was a very long time ago, Rey. About twenty-six or twenty-seven years ago."

Poe's voice had not sounded this strained since he had told her about knowing what it felt like to have Kylo 'scratch around' in their minds.

Rey turned herself towards him, knocking her knees against his.

"Poe?"

His expression was one of caustic sadness, in sharp contrast to the laughter echoing all around them and the energetic sparks flying from the fire.

Poe let his eyes glaze over, reflecting the dancing gold of the fire, and staring blankly into its shimmer. His head swayed out of tune to the music in the background, lost as he was in his thoughts.

When he spoke again, his tone made Rey's hairs stand on end with its fraught tenor.

"Did you know I knew him, Rey?"

Rey froze, both relieved that this subject was being broached in a subtle way, and absolutely terrified of what might come of it.

"Kylo?"

Poe rubbed his eyes with his knuckles.

"Ben. I knew him when he was still Ben. When he was still-" He cut himself off with a rickety breath.

Rey wound her arm around his waist, pulling the pilot close, and waited for him to continue.

Poe leaned on her, welcoming the warmth she offered.

"He was my friend, Rey. We knew each other from toddler days." The usually steadfast pilot was shaking in her arms, and if this had been any other night, Rey would have assumed Poe might've had one too many. But she had been with him the whole night, and not a drop of alcohol had passed his lips. "I would stay with the Solos when my parents were out Fighter-ing. We were two little boys, y'know? Go sneak into the simulators and pretend we were brave pilots, risking it all for the good of the people-" Poe's voice stuttered and shook, near-whisper in nature. She was right to have dreaded what the topic would reveal. "-Have stick fights and make believe we were two Jedi practising to save the Galaxy…"

Poe's entire body shuddered.

"Poe, Poe you don't have to-"

He gave her a tight squeeze.

"But I want to, Rey-" She supported him with her body as he sagged onto her side, letting his head rest on hers, "-It's not something I've ever really talked about, despite Leia's pressure early on, after, uh, after-" He swallowed hard "-Luke would come over every now and then when things would get bad, uh-"

Rey gently ran her hand up and down his side reassuringly.

"I mean, sure, I knew I wasn't Force Sensitive. Became right apparent when he could levitate stuff and I couldn't, but we still played together every day like there wasn't a single difference between us. Both of us spent most our time without our parents, and we both had pretty gigantic family names to live up to. His was more 'n mine…And I knew about his nightmares, but I had plenty of my own. Not of the same calibre o'course, But-"

His breath caught in his throat, swallowing whatever he was about to say. Rey remained silent. She would let him ramble till he couldn't any more. He had done just the same for her during their long pazaak binges.

"-But those sleepovers were the only nights neither of us had any problems. Then they had to go and send my buddy away-" If ever there would be a time Rey would hear Poe on the verge of mourning, it was now, and his voice was trembling dangerously. "-I was seven, he was five. Leia had Luke come pick him up. I was at their place at the time."

"Poe…"

When Rey peeked up, the pilot looked far more dishevelled than she had ever seen him before, and now the orange glow gave his face a gaunt aura rather than a healthy one.

Faraway eyes, and a pained nostalgic expression.

It was so unfair.

"I know it shouldn't affect me like it does. I know it, Rey. But he was the first friend I ever had. Even when the next time I really saw him was across the battlefield, tall and swathed in black. A man."

"Poe, there's nothing wrong with missing your friend-"

"-And time after that," he paid her interjection no heed, "he ordered a village destroyed on Jakku, and violently tortured me for that damn map. All this," Poe's voice splintered into something much feebler, "as if he didn't remember me at all…"

Rey wanted so badly to tell him, but her conscience hindered her on two counts.

Would he even want to know?

How, in his mind, could she even know?

And how could Kylo have…How…

But why would he not, Rey reprimanded herself bitterly. He was a Darksider, after all. He had killed his own father, after all.

Just because he treated her so strangely- so amicably- it did not make him any less cruel nor terrible…

Rey shifted herself to better take hold of Poe, her heart aching both for the pilot and, oddly enough, for the Knight as well.

After all, what was one childhood friend?

They sat like that for a while, leaning against each other, and staring at the pirouetting flames, breathing in time with the wafts of air that would warmly caress their faces.

It was when the fires eventually burned low, and fellow troops when to fetch more wood from under the starlit skies, that Poe moved again.

Stretching himself out of the position they had affixed themselves in, he turned to face her with a genuine smile on his face.

"Thank you, Rey."

She only nodded in response, relieved that Poe seemed to be in good spirits once more.

"No, really sweetness. Thank you. I, uh," he scratched the back of his head bashfully, eyes lighting up when he saw Finn approaching across the way, "-I needed that. I needed to tell someone, and you- You just seem to understand-"

Rey smiled, cutting him off, "It's alright, Poe."

She got up and clicked her back, sighing in satisfaction at the relief it brought.

"Rey! You aren't going now are ya?" Finn gasped, falling onto the bench next to Poe with languid ease.

Rey grinned at him and ran the back of her hand over her eyes, yawning rather abruptly as she tried to speak.

When the motion had past, Rey looked at them through bleary eyes and nodded at their knowing faces, "I'm afraid so guys. You party the night away, but I need my sleep."

"Sure, sure!" Finn said in a rather sing-song tone, waving her away as Poe laughed.

Rey giggled softly to herself on the way to the Falcon, choosing to ignore the persistent ache in her chest.

Leia stopped her on the way, and insisted she take one of the rooms in the base.

Or rather, informed her she would be taking one of the rooms in the base, as Rey's belongings had already been moved there. Rey was far too exhausted to argue, and the General lead her to her new quarters.

It was nice, Rey supposed, to have a proper room, and not a bunk on a ship, or a crypt made of stone.

She washed herself in a daze, only vague ecstasy breaking through when glorious hot water eased muscles she had not even known were hurting. Thereafter, Rey let herself sink deep into the mattress.

Then, she was wide awake, body clenched in dread.

Kylo?

No response.

Not a thing.

Rey was faced with having to fall asleep on her own, and it made her cringe in discomposure.

How could she?

Had she become so dependent on the reprieve the illusions had, that she could not remember what it felt like to sleep without aid?

Had she become reliant on him?

Whether she was or not, she was terrified of closing her eyes, and remained staring at the ceiling.

Not the dreams. She couldn't, she just couldn't face those dreams again.

Futile hope spiked through her as she dared to think perhaps she could reach a similar illusion herself, without him.

She couldn't.

Oh Force she couldn't.

Please.

Was she doing this?

Please, Ren.

Yes she was. Decency and division be damned, she was.

Please!

Rey received no response.

She was left to choke on the silence.

Kylo paced his room restlessly, trying with all his might to ignore the frantic mind calling- begging- for him.

Once more, he was being torn apart.

He couldn't answer her, and would not let himself either. He had made a decision.

Another, this time more sluggish, push brushed his mind, and he realised she was succumbing to her tiredness.

Time itself seemed to stand still to Kylo, as he watched her fight as hard as she could to stay awake. Gradually, however, she sank into the heady haze of unconsciousness, and she called out for him all the way.

Though he tried, Kylo could not deafen himself to her hysteria. Having to refuse her as he did caused him unanticipated anguish. But this time, he did not take action against himself to chase it away, and punish the weakness.

No, he felt that standing by and doing nothing was far punishment enough.

Rather he do nothing tonight, and let her retain even a shred of the happiness she had felt, than rip it all away from her as he would have to.

Kylo Ren would not deceive himself. He knew, within his soul, he would avoid their next meeting for as long as possible. As pathetic as it was, he wanted her to need him for as long as possible, before…

Kylo Ren tangibly flinched when Rey fell silent at the edges of his hearing. Asleep.

She was restful, for now.

And so Poe had told her?

If Kylo thought he had left his previous life far behind him, the stringent pain in his chest at Rey's memories of the discussion proved him entirely wrong.

Poe was a fighter pilot protecting the people, and Kylo was a Dark Jedi terrorising the Galaxy.

At least one of them got to live their childhood dreams, while the other made a mockery of it.

Despite what Poe thought, Kylo had never forgotten him. Nor had he tortured him without remorse.

It had been one of the benefits of wearing a mask, and using a modulator.

No one could tell when you were breaking.

What was one childhood friend, indeed?

Apparently a great deal, if you foolishly allowed them to live.

Kylo sat on his bed, elbows propped on his knees and head in his hands.

A steady headache was making itself known, and Kylo was acutely aware of the cause. Rey was caught in the throes of another Force terror, and as much as Kylo's every fibre wanted to pull her out of it, and into a safer illusion, he knew he could not. If he broke now, he would never be able to do what needed to be done.

Tasting her experiences as she had thrown her consciousness at him moments before had reminded Kylo of just how far he had come.

Just how far he had fallen.

The fires, the feasts, the festivities. He had experienced them before, a lifetime ago. Things had been far simpler then. In the day, he was just a regular boy who, on occasion, made inanimate objects fly through the air without so much as touching them. Otherwise, perfectly normal.

At night, however, he was a scared and skittish child with coaxing voices filling his head with all sorts of malarkey and mayhem. Yet, as the time had passed, the whispers had made more sense. They grew more appealing and less terrifying.

But the Force Terrors remained the same.

Rey would learn to redirect her struggle more effectively, just as Kylo had. Soon, she would look upon this past night just as Kylo had.

She would see herself surrounded by folk who meant well but could never quite sate her, and she would be thankful for all she had learned.

Kylo would just need to show her, first. Show her just how far she had already come.

What better way to do it, than break her just as he felt himself tearing at the seams now? What better way, than to show someone all they had lost? All he, now the coaxing voice in her head, had actually taken from her, despite the good intentions of the time.

It was an argument Kylo had made many times with himself, and he always ended up at the same conclusion.

He would do it.

But he was forced to acknowledge that he honestly did not want to, just yet at least.

Yes, he was a coward. So be it.

Possibly selfish, for wanting a few days more where she would still not know the truth.

After all, what was one childhood friend?