Chapter 21 – Hold on or let go

"So you are sure then, absolutely sure?" Ted asked.

Andromeda glared at him in irritation. "For the millionth time, yes I am sure."

They were sitting by the lake again, hidden behind the reed. They were talking quietly, afraid that anyone would hear them. They were trying to find a way out of the situation they had so unexpectedly ended up in.

"I just can't believe I managed to knock a girl up," mumbled Ted. "That's... a bit wicked, isn't it?"

Andromeda stared at him. "Do you think this is some kind of test of masculinity?! This is serious!"

"I know, I am sorry." Ted glanced with fascination at her midsection. "But it is sort of amazing."

"That's easy for you to say," snapped Andromeda. "You are not the one who is forced stand with your head shoved down the toilet every morning." She had not meant to sound so harsh, but her nerves were already tested.

"Sorry. Forget it. I guess we need to accept that it's happened. We better talk about what we are going to do about it."

"What can we do?" asked Andromeda grimly. "Neither of us has even finished school yet. How could we take care of a baby? We wouldn't even be able to feed it, or give it a decent home." She tried to sound as cold and practical as possible. She didn't want any emotions to cloud her judgement.

Ted frowned thoughtfully. "My parents would help us. But they don't have that much money to spare. I can at least talk to them about it. You know I am going home for a visit this weekend?"

"I know, but I wish you wouldn't."

Ted peered carefully at her. "You don't think your family would give us some galleons if we needed it?"

"My family..." Andromeda sighed deeply. "Ted, just being unmarried and pregnant is enough to make them throw me out. Being unmarried and pregnant by a muggle... " She wearily shook her head. "We'd be outcasts."

"If we both dropped out of school..."

"Then I could never be a healer and you could never be an auror. Our dreams would be ruined. We would never have a second chance."

Ted was quiet for a long moment. "You want to get rid of it then?" he finally guessed.

Andromeda didn't want to meet his eyes. "It's not about wanting, it's a practical question. Besides, we are both so young. Do you really think we are ready to have a child? Do you really think it's the right time?" She managed to keep her voice controlled, like she was talking about something of minor importance.

Ted looked slightly stunned by her unsentimental way of looking at the matter, but nodded. "I guess you are right. There is no other option. What can you do?"

"I know there are potions. There is some magic tansy plant that takes care of it with just one small sip. And then there are spells. They are supposed to be completely painless. That would solve the problem."

"Problem?" Ted repeated, sarcastically.

"You know what I mean!" Andromeda glared angrily at him. "I am not happy about this, but what am I supposed to do? I can't have a baby; it's not a part of my plans. Besides, none of this would have happened if you had just been able to keep it in your trousers that time!"

"Oh really?" Ted looked like he was getting angry. "I suppose next you will say that I forced you? Is that what you are going to tell your family? That would be the brilliant solution, wouldn't it? Your father would kill me off and you would be free of all blame."

"Do you think I would do that?" she asked him sharply.

He sighed and ran his hand through is hair. "No, I don't. I am sorry, I..."

"Don't be," she said dismissively. "This is my fault as much as yours. I need to sort it out. I'll have a talk with Madam Pomfrey. She will keep quiet." He nodded quietly and she frowned. "You look so sad? Are you disappointed with this?"

"No, no," he sighed. "Like you said, it's a necessary evil." Wordlessly, Andromeda reached her hand out and he took it, clutching it quietly. In the silence it seemed like many things were left unsaid. It was for the best, Andromeda decided. They would only complicate the matter.

A sound of human movement suddenly reached Andromeda's ears and made her jump to her feet. "What was that?" She glanced out across the lake. She could have sworn she had heard something from the other side. But everything seemed calm and normal. Still, she had a distinct feeling of being watched.

"Perhaps we should get back inside," mumbled Ted.

Narcissa had learned to recognize the black and white owl called Rania and seeing it on the window sledge in her dormitory that Saturday afternoon, it brought a smile to her lips. She felt a twinge of happiness inside. She had been forced to wait for this message, and she had started to get a bit worried, but he had not forgotten her.

She accepted the letter from Rania and gave her shiny feathers a friendly stroke before the bird flew off again. She carefully opened the letter. The elegant, graceful hand was as familiar as Rania was.

Dear Narcissa!

I am sorry that I have been so quiet lately and kept you waiting for my letters. Just let me tell you that I have been busy with some very important changes in my life. I have made some very exciting new acquaintances and right now I feel like a number of goals and chances are lying ahead of me. Still, that is no excuse to ignore my good friends. I promise you will hear from me soon again. And I also hope that I will be able to introduce you to some of my new associates.

Malfoy Manor is looking beautiful, as it always does in the spring, but I still long for the summer to come. It's not just the warmth and the sun I look forward to this year, however. More than anything, I hope I will be able to see you during your holidays. I don't know about your plans, but I still hope that you will have some time to spend on me. I wish we could go somewhere, to some beautiful place far away, just you and me and get to know each other better. Perhaps your parents wouldn't like that, but I can't help dreaming.

Even when I don't write to you, I want you to know that I am thinking about you and that I long for you. My house is always open to you, Narcissa and I hope you know where my feelings belong.

Affectionately

Lucius

Narcissa smiled to herself as she put the letter into a small box and locked it safely. The stack was growing rapidly and his letters always made her feel warm and wanted. There was a quiet, sincere longing in his words that was difficult to resist. Over the past few weeks she had learned to open herself to him in her letters. It was easier to accept what he wanted to give her and she also tried to give the same back to him.

Sometimes it was still hard to believe that such an attractive and rich and intelligent wizard had chosen to spend his time on her. She had always considered herself quite awkward and shy with none of the wit and courage of her sister Bellatrix. Malfoy was one of the most eligible bachelors in the wizard world. He could win the heart of any young witch. But he wanted her.

She had not yet told her parents very much about their courtship, but it made her feel good to think about how pleased it would make them. Lucius Malfoy was the ideal son-in-law for any mother and father in the wizard world.

"They will roll out the red carpet for him," she heard a sarcastic voice pointing out inside her mind, but she angrily pushed it away.

She tried to imagine what it would be like to be called Mrs. Narcissa Malfoy. Or perhaps Narcissa Black-Malfoy? She had always been proud of her family name and she wasn't sure that she was ready to throw it away altogether. But of course, she would only have to worry about that, if things ever got to that point...

Suddenly, she felt a wave of insecurity. She was not betrothed yet and even if she would be, she had seen how quickly a betrothal could be ended. She had been betrayed once, who could say that she wouldn't be betrayed again? Perhaps Lucius was only playing with her?

No, she told herself sternly. He wouldn't do that. Lucius was not like Sirius. He was someone you could trust, and honest and decent man. His interest in her was genuine and his feelings were sincere. And besides, he wouldn't dare cheating on a daughter of the house of Black. He wasn't that stupid. The only way he would ever betray her would be if she had done something to dishonour him. And she would not do that.

She realized that she was getting late for her meeting with Severus in the library. They would meet and study for a herbology test together and Narcissa knew better than offending him. He had been very cold and formal towards her ever since Christmas. She grabbed her books and papers and quills and hurried towards the stairs.

When she reached the common room, she was unexpectedly met by Regulus and something in his face made her stop. Regulus' eyes were practically flaming and his cheeks were coloured in bright pink. When he spotted Narcissa, he immediately walked up to her. "Where is she?" he spat.

"Where is who?"

"You know who! Your so called sister!"

"Sister? Andromeda?" Narcissa was getting nervous. "She went to Madam Pomfrey's office I think. What's the matter? What has she done?"

"Yes, that's what I would like to know as well," snapped Regulus in deep indignation. "One of my friends saw her yesterday, sitting down by the lake, holding hands with some boy! Is this her way of showing how much she wants to marry me?"

Narcissa swallowed and squirmed. This was not a battle wanted to fight. "Regulus, I... I really need to get to the library..." She tried to get past him, but he grabbed her arm.

"Don't try to run away from me! I want to know about Andromeda!"

Narcissa sighed. "I am sorry, I don't know what to say."

Regulus glared suspiciously at her. "Did you know about this?" When she didn't answer, his eyes narrowed. "You did! Then why haven't you told me?"

"I thought that if I gave her some time, she would come to her senses," Narcissa explained. "Maybe this mudblood is..."

"Mudblood?!" Regulus eyes turned wide and Narcissa silently cursed herself, realizing that she had said too much. "It's a mudblood? That mudblood?"

Narcissa had no other choice but to confess. "Regulus I am really sorry about this. Just don't do anything hasty!" she shouted as he immediately whirled around and started marching towards the stairs.

But he stopped when Andromeda suddenly appeared in the doorway and entered the common room. She looked thoughtful, but she halted as she realized that Narcissa and Regulus were waiting for her. She frowned at the looks on their faces. "What's going on? Regulus? What's happened?"

"I'll give you one chance, Andromeda, just one," said Regulus coldly. "If you have one honest bone in your body, you'll answer. Have you been seeing that filthy, stinking, dirty, wretched bloody mudblood again?"

Andromeda was quiet for some time. Narcissa couldn't read her expression. "You are referring to Ted, I suppose?" she finally guessed.

"Don't try to be funny!" spat Regulus. "Have you?"

Andromeda pulled a deep breath. "Yes, I have," she finally admitted wholeheartedly.

Regulus' face turned so white that it was almost frightening to see. Still, Andromeda didn't turn away from his furious eyes. "How. Long?" he asked her, his teeth tightly gritted together.

"The whole year," answered Andromeda. "It's been going on since the Quidditch World Cup. But it started a long time before that." She shrugged. "Believe me, I tried to fight against it, but I couldn't."

She raised her eyes over Regulus and looked straight at Narcissa, as if she was begging her to understand and forgive her. But Narcissa didn't want to look at her sister.

"Are you... are you in..." Regulus sputtered, unable to form the unbelievable word "...in love with him?"

"Yes."

Regulus white cheeks turned pink again. "You have cheated on me! You went behind my back..."

"You? What are you talking about?"

"My parents choose you to be my wife!" Regulus pointed firmly at himself. "My wife! You could have been the mistress of Grimmauld Place! And you throw that away for a mudblood!"

"Oh Merlin, Regulus!" Andromeda almost sounded amused, which Narcissa found quite unwise since Regulus looked like he was about to bust with anger. "This has nothing to do with you! Do you really think I would have married you?"

"Our parents..." hissed Regulus.

"I know. I am sorry, but I am not responsible for their mad ideas. You and I have nothing in common."

"Oh and you have with that scum?"

"Yes," said Andromeda seriously. She sounded like this wasn't just a confession to Narcissa and Regulus, but also to herself. "I have tried to hide it for too long and I made him pay the price. No more. The whole world can know and judge me as they like, but I won't care. I love him." She looked straight into Regulus face, calm and serious.

Narcissa noticed that Regulus' face was steaming. His anger almost seemed to be too much for him. She tried to grab him, but it was too late. Regulus attacked Andromeda, pushing and shoving against her with full force.

"You filthy mudblood whore!" he screamed and by now, the whole castle could probably hear them. "You treacherous little slut! You are a disgrace to our family!"

"Stop it!" Narcissa tried to pull him off from her sister who tried to protect herself as best she could, but Regulus slipped out of her grip

"I'll have you cursed by all of my friends!" He pointed menacingly at Andromeda. "All of them, do you hear me! They will all damn you to hell with your filthy lover!"

"I am quivering," said Andromeda sarcastically.

"You won't be so smug when you find out what new bonds I have made! You'll get what's coming to you! You are no better than that other traitor! Neither of you are worth calling yourselves Blacks!" Regulus' bellowing was getting louder with every new word.

Andromeda mockingly shook her head. "If being a Black means being like you, I am happy to refrain."

That seemed to be the last straw. Regulus pulled out his wand in a movement like lightning. "Cruci..."

Narcissa reacted without thinking, dropped her books and found her own wand inside her robes. "Expelliarmus!" she shouted, her voice rising over her cousin's.

She managed to interfere with the curse; maybe Regulus' powers weren't great enough. But when the wand was torn from his hand, he stumbled and the wand shot forward. Andromeda wasn't able to protect herself quickly enough and it hit her right across her face. It was still loaded with magic and its force sent her backwards, over the landing of the stairs.

Narcissa felt like she was watching in some kind of daze. This was not reality. She had not heard her sister crying out. She had not seen her falling back and rolling down the steps on the stairs from the Slytherin house.

For a moment, she was frozen. She heard a sound from Regulus; a choked sound from somewhere deep down his throat, almost like a sob. Then she reacted and flew down the stairs. Andromeda was lying at the bottom, stretched out in her full length. She was not moving.

Narcissa's legs were shivering as she sank down next to her sister. Frantically, she tried to turn her over. She noticed a bruise just by her sister's forehead and her whole body was shaking. "Andromeda!" Narcissa patted her sister's cheeks, trying to reach her. "Please, say something! Are you okay?"

Andromeda just moaned slightly. She was still shaking as if in cramp. Her knees were pulled up to her chest and she curled herself into a ball, like she was in some seizure. A crowd had gathered around them, but no one seemed to dare to get close. Everyone was staring with wide eyes at the unconscious girl by the foot of the stairs.

Narcissa didn't know what to do. She knew that she should do something to help her sister, use some healing spell or get Madam Pomfrey. But neither her voice nor her hands would obey her and she remained sitting, desperately clutching her sister's hand. She didn't dare to let go or even turn her eyes away from her.

"Narcissa, what's happened?!" Dizzily, she looked up and realized that Sirius had pushed himself through the crowd and sunk down next to her. For once, Narcissa didn't instinctively tense and shrink away when she saw him. She just nodded helplessly at Andromeda. "She... she fell..."

"But how? What...?" Sirius glanced around and noticed that his younger brother was standing on the stairs. Regulus' face was drained of all colour and he looked terrified as he watched Andromeda's lifeless, trembling form.

Sirius turned back to Narcissa. "What happened?" he demanded sharply.

But Narcissa didn't answer. Suddenly she had turned cold. Suddenly she realized that she had something on her fingers that had coloured her sister's skirt in red. It was a warm, sticky mess. It was blood.

The ache felt like someone had shoved a dagger up her crotch and stomach. The blade was slowly cutting her with a dull edge that prolonged the pain and made it worse. The world had turned into a blur where pain was the only thing she was aware of. It fed on her, sucked its lifeblood from her body.

But her pain still couldn't compete with her sense of fear. She had a terrible premonition. She felt like she was about to loose something. It was something she would not even have considered a loss. It was about to slip out of her hands and there was nothing she could do to keep it.

Suddenly, she couldn't stand that thought. She rolled herself into a ball, feeling her knees pressing hard against her chest and holding on tightly. She held on for her life and fought back when someone tried to move her.

She heard voices calling her name somewhere from the far distance. They were full of angst and fear. One of them belonged to Narcissa. The other... Was it Sirius? But she didn't want to listen to them. She was focused on one thing only.

Must hold on, must hold on, can't let go, can't let go...

But you wanted to let go, she heard a voice saying inside her mind. You were going to let it go. So why do you care?

No, no, no, I never wanted to let go, never really... I didn't...

But she had planned it, hadn't she? Was that why she was being punished now? Or was she being punished because she had failed her family and betrayed all of their ideals?

You are no Black! She heard them screaming around her. You are unworthy! You are a traitor!

I am not, she wanted to tell them. I didn't mean for it to happen. I couldn't help it, I couldn't... I tried so hard not to love him, I really did, but I couldn't...

Please, don't take it away from me, she heard herself sob quietly. Don't let it suffer for what I have done. Don't let Ted suffer. It's his and mine... We made it together.

She felt someone touching her again, trying to disentangle the knot she had made of her arms and legs, but she kept holding on tightly and she wouldn't let go. Pain was still cutting her mind in two pieces and she was not able to think straight.

"It's too late," she heard Madam Pomfrey's concerned voice deciding. "There is nothing I can do. She needs to get to a real hospital or she will be..."

Dead, she realized. Oh Merlin, I am going to die. Please... just let them know that I... that I...