It didn't make any sense really.
As dreams went this had to be one of the worst just because of where it started.
She hated the beach.
The constant breeze that made her feel as if she were incessantly being picked at.
The smell of the salt water, fish, and whatever else it was that lent to the aroma.
The sand that got everywhere and into everything.
The squealing, irritating birds overhead that were just as likely to attack if food was present as leave you wishing they were closer so you could end their noise.
The constant sound that most people seemed to find soothing but for some reason she could only stand a few minutes near before needing to leave.
Besides all that she was always cold at the beach for one reason or another. She had no idea why that was exactly. Nor did she really care. She hated to be cold for any reason.
She only went to the beach when at Genkai's and then only because she was annoyed to death by Keiko and Yukina to join in the "fun".
She despised every part of the beach experience and yet here she was standing on one.
A distant part of her mind wondered if it was a good or bad thing to be as aware as she was in this dream.
Shouldn't there be some sense of the unreal?
Some part of this concept that made her feel less instead of exactly as she normally would have?
She looked out at the water in disgust.
She hated the water aspect most of all.
Three things she hated all in one go. The beach. Water. Being Cold.
'There's gotta be some way out of this crap...'
For no reason at all she had the urge to look up.
Twisting and turning lazily in the air was some child like caricature of the Dragon of the Darkness Flame.
How she knew that was what it was called she had no idea but the title felt right. It was the view that was entirely wrong. The last time she had seen that particular nightmare had been at the Dark Tournament and then it had definitely not resembled the sad representation in the sky.
'Why do you think of this?'
Good question.
She had no idea why it would be in her dream that didn't feel like a dream. She really wanted to leave this weird place. She wanted to get away from the beach and water. She wanted to escape the partially realized dopey dragon in the sky.
Except that even as she watched the dopey dragon was becoming more defined. It's sinewy form gaining detail as it coursed back and forth. Arcs of dark energies began to flash around it's body, some twisting out of the water itself to envelope the serpentine figure in shadowed dancing flares.
'It means...something...maybe...' she whispered almost fearfully as she took an involuntary step back.
She froze as her back came into contact with something solid behind her. She could only watch as a clawed hand came into sight then latched onto her throat causing her to gasp. The hand held her tightly, forcing her to remain focused on the still developing dragon.
'What could it possibly mean to you?'
Another good question.
Why would the world be so irritated all the time? And why did it always feel as if he were mocking her fear.
It was almost insulting really since she wasn't afraid of the dragon...she was afraid for the dragon.
In fact the more detail it gained the more certain she was that if it ever fully formed that something terrible would happen, something she could not live with happening.
The clawed hand at her throat tightened...
"Shizuru wake up."
She gasped as she swam out of the dream, reaching out to clutch blindly at the hand shaking her shoulder.
For some reason it made absolute sense that she found herself looking into the crimson eyes of Hiei and not someone else.
It was leaving her, the dream fading into ghostly images into the back of her mind to lay in wait for the next time she might need to be scared for no reason at all.
She shifted only then realizing she still had a hold on his hand. For a heartbeat she did not want to let go. His hand was extremely warm or she was extremely cold, she had no idea which of those choices was the actual case.
Reluctantly she released him with a mumbled apology, rubbing at her eyes to clear the last of the fog from her mind. Hiei backed up as she pushed herself into a sitting position.
"Thanks for waking me." she said glancing at the window in an attempt to regain her bearings.
The sunlight that entered the room put it at late afternoon. She had fallen asleep watching some perfectly boring animal program.
"Was it a memory?" he asked.
"Um...I don't think so." she answered slowly reaching for her cigarettes, "at least I don't think it was something you put in my head. Those feel different...being you feels different. Besides I can remember those."
"When are you going to give up this ridiculous stand?" he demanded with quite intensity.
She glanced at him a little surprised by the lack of directed anger. Normally when he was talking the force behind his words could resemble a physical blow. There was no mistaking who Hiei was talking to when he decided to say something.
"You don't have to get it Hiei." she replied looking at her hands.
"And if it is killing you? What then?"
She shrugged, "And if it's the only thing keeping me going?"
The silence around her grew heavier. The quality of it told her she had upset him with her words in some way. It was strange, gauging someone's emotional state by their silence. There had to be a trick to it but for the life of her she could not pinpoint exactly how she had picked it up. It seemed as if one day he was a complete mystery and the next she was able to read what was basically nothing at all.
Of course she was not all that certain what she was talking about with him.
Which "it" did she mean?
His memories that she still felt guilt over being able to access?
Or was there some other mysterious "it"?
Or was she just simply referring to his presence since she wanted him there?
Huh...this got complicated without even trying...that's talent Shizuru...way to go...
"I don't want you in my head." she finally spoke into that blanketing silence, "It isn't killing me."
"Hn, I find it interesting you think you can figure out such things without the aid of someone that actually has knowledge in these matters. Even Kurama admits this is not his area of expertise."
"Not yours either." she pointed out raising her head to meet his eyes, "Or am I missing something about that eye in your forehead? Not really made to fix things is it?"
He stilled. It was not quite the way Kurama did so. Hiei became still in the only way someone who was in constant motion could do so. He appeared to stop moving but that caused the sense that it would only be for that second. Hiei's type of stillness was the pressure of a tightly wound spring just waiting for a chance release.
His tells were difficult but they did exist. His eyes were the most expressive thing about him, the minute adjustments in any given situation. She had noticed that fact before the silences.
She had just said aloud something he had already considered, his eyes had told her that. They had narrowed slightly as if he was concerned she actually could read his mind. There was a wariness there that should have been better hidden.
Caught you...
She smiled a little, "I'm sorry. I know you can't be very happy with me in your head either but it's not like you really think you can do anything. If you did you would have been a lot ruder then you have been."
"What part of you have to agree was unclear?" he retorted moving to perch on the arm of the couch facing her, "Why would I waste my time attempting something you've already stopped me from doing?"
"You never tried when I was sleeping." she supplied leaning forward.
He snorted, "That only proves you have no concept of how your own energies work. Even sleeping you manage to keep me out."
"You've tried?" she asked stunned though in retrospect it should not have surprised her.
His eyes narrowed slightly, "At the old woman's place. I do not enjoy repeating failures."
"That's funny since you keep pushing this idea." she replied chuckling.
He growled low in his chest. That caught her attention completely. It was one of those things that marked him as other than human. A quality that no human could possibly produce since they lacked the physical attributes to do so. It was not an animal sound, just a close enough rumble to assure there was no mistaking he was not a human.
It did not frighten her. Quite the contrary, it made her wonder what it would feel like to have her hand on his chest when he made that particular sound. How it would feel to have it vibrate against her skin. If it would be comparable to the higher octave of a deep bass voice.
She shifted forward onto her knees bringing herself closer to him. She wanted his absolute, undivided attention and there was nothing else that captured that with Hiei as completely as movement.
Daringly she reached forward to place her fingers on his knee. It was daring in that he would react one of two ways, there was no in-between in this for him. In his experiences touch for the most part translated to harm. There were very rare instances when it did not and in those he had to control his automatic reaction to it when it came from an outside source.
She more than half expected for the more ingrained reaction to occur. For him to instantly move away, to strike out in some manner against what might be perceived as a type of threat.
She was pleasantly stunned by his reaction. He straightened, pulling his upper body slightly back from her. His eyes lowered to contemplate her hand then came back to her's questioningly.
It was a testament to how he perceived her, a gift of trust she did not feel she had earned but was flattered deeply by.
"The only reason your memories bother me is because it bothers you for me to have them." she informed him hoping she was using the right words for him to fully grasp how not revolted she was on this subject.
That she had learned was an underlying constant to any of his memories. That insistence that there was something intrinsically vile to who he was. The belief that there was nothing redeemable in his being. That others instinctively knew this aspect of him just being in his presence and so it was no shock when they finally turned against him.
It was an expectation even with the beings he gathered near him now though the inclination to rely on this was much less as it had been in the past. It was no longer the shield held up against such deeper relationships. It no longer was the crutch he leaned on, there was a difference in his views. The difference was that when not if this happened it would do actual harm and he was willing for such to happen if that was the cost.
"There isn't anything to fix." she said quietly, "you already know that. You're just sticking around in case something happens that you can help with. I don't want your help Hiei. I've been dealing with weird for a really long time. This memory stuff...at least I know where it's coming from. You and Kurama probably don't get that but for me that's a huge thing."
It was the truth, maybe more then she had meant to say because being that fully honest about how she felt was not in her nature. She was just as guilty as he was in shielding herself, shoving real relationships away.
Not for the same reasons of course but there were comparisons.
She did not have that sense of self disgust that he did but she did feel a necessity to defend herself automatically from the world at large. There were times it seemed when she did lower her defenses that was when the universe lashed out with it's most vicious and agonizing of attacks forcing her back into herself.
Sakyo raised his hand in farewell, a smile touching his lips as the room shook.
She felt the flinch travel through her, blurring the reaction by standing quickly. She did not want Hiei to think he was the cause of that.
"You've already lost your mind." he stated though there was a lightness to his tone as if he was lost in thought.
"Yeah well...who said I was sane to begin with?" she joked over her shoulder as she left the room.
This time she was the one that needed to be away.