The next day Gemma went to work at her regular time. She worked for the entire day waiting to see if she would see Clay but he never stopped into her office. She went to Clay's office to see him only to find that he wasn't there. She walked back to his room and walked in and realized he wasn't there either. Gemma frowned wondering where the hell he was. She called his cell phone and impatiently waited for him to answer.
Clay sighed seeing Gemma's name pop up on his phone. He was sitting in Sean's room at the house. He had waited until he figured Gemma had left for work before he came to the house. He was sitting in Sean's nursery watching Sean sleep in his crib. He answered the phone after a few rings. "Hi Gemma…"
"Clay…where are you? I am worried about you. Are you okay?" asked Gemma. Gemma ran a frustrated hand through her dark hair.
"I am okay. I am just sitting here with Sean. How was he last night?" asked Clay trying to act like everything was okay.
"He was fine…he slept for part of the night…woke up once for a bottle and a diaper change. He was good after that. Clay I am going to come home so that we can talk." said Gemma. "I'll be there in twenty minutes okay?"
"Yeah…okay I will be here." said Clay in defeat. He had tried his best to avoid her and to avoid talking to her. "On second thought I will just meet you at the club okay? Why don't you pick up dinner or something? I'll see you in my room."
"Okay I will see you soon then." Gemma hung up and left heading to the diner to pick up dinner. Gemma picked up dinner from the diner and then drove back over to the club. She carried the bag back to Clay's room. She opened the door and then walked into the room. "Clay…" said Gemma. She was worried about him he definitely wasn't himself right now.
Clay had his back to the door sitting on the opposite side of the bed. He had his head down not saying anything at first.
Gemma walked around the bed and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Clay talk to me…you've always been able to talk to me no matter what it was about. So talk to me now. I am here for you baby. There is nothing in this world that you can't talk to me about….you should know that by now." said Gemma.
Clay wrapped his arms around Gemma from a seated position and just sat there. He didn't say anything for several minutes before finally speaking up. "Gemma, I don't know how to talk to you about this because I have already caused you so much pain. I don't want to cause you anymore by talking about Alexis. It isn't fair of me to ask you to support me in this situation. Watching her die was hard on me. I couldn't help but feel that her life would have been better if she had never met me…never hung out with the club. And even if I don't blame myself for the past...I can certainly blame myself for the present. I pushed her over the edge. I was just so focused on getting her out of the way so that I could be with you. I didn't see that she was slipping over. You shouldn't have to be here for me…when I have done something that hurt you so bad. I promised that you would never be hurt on my watch again…and I brought a person into our lives that hurt you. I've let you down and somehow I've lost myself in the process."
"This is not the time to shut me out Clay…even if you think it is for my own good. You need me…we need each other. And the only way we can work on our relationship is if we depend on one another. Yes, your relationship with Alexis hurt me. And finding out the depth of your familiarity with her hurt me even more. But I could never turn my back on you while you are in pain. And so even though I can't mourn for her in the way you are mourning for her…I can be sorry that you are hurting the way you are."
"For now Gemma I have to do this on my own. This is just something you can't help me through. I've got to figure this out on my own." said Clay. He took his arms from around her. "This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me."
Gemma moved back and looked at a man that she barely recognized at the moment. She was stunned that he was pushing her away. Gemma had a seat next to him on the bed.
"I need to work this out on my own Gemma…I think we need to take a break…at least for while I am gone. I am leaving for that run tomorrow night…we'll be in Indian Hills for about 4 days. I think when I come back from that I will have my head on straight again. That way I can focus on you and Sean and nothing else." said Clay.
"What do you mean take a break?" asked Gemma suspiciously. She started to laugh a bitter laugh and the eyes that had just been loving and filled with concern grew cold. "You want to go back on your promise without going back on your promise. You want to be able to hit some tart while you are in Indian Hills…and this is your way of doing it. You think that is going to help you get your head back on straight…don't try to manipulate me you stupid son of a bitch."
"Gemma…that isn't what I am saying!" started Clay. He honestly didn't mean it that way.
"Shut up. You know what…you do whatever you need to do while you are gone. I am not even playing this game with you. I hope you figure whatever this is out for yourself because if you aren't careful you will lose me for good Clay. I promised you…that I would walk away and not look back. Don't make me make good on my promise." said Gemma.
"Could you really walk away from me?" asked Clay looking into her eyes as he walked over to her. "I could never walk away from you. No matter how screwed up I may have made things I still love you more than I have ever loved anyone. And I need you in my life. Could you really walk away from me?" asked Clay.
Gemma stared into his eyes and without hesitation said "In a New York minute. I love you Clay with all of my heart but I love me more and if leaving you is what I have to do then I will do it."
"What would you do without me? Without the life we built together? Could you be alone?" asked Clay looking into her eyes. For the first time he was truly worried.
"I have dreams and ambitions…and I am capable of making my own way Clay…I always have been. I've been taking care of myself for a long time. And it will be hard and I will miss you but I will get over you. And you aren't the only man interested in me. So don't go thinking that I will be sitting in the house pining away for you." said Gemma.
"What is that supposed to mean? Are you talking about the person that sent you those flowers?" asked Clay his eyes narrowing as he stared at Gemma intently. He felt his blood pressure rising.
"Yes, the person who sent me the flowers. He is a good friend…and he's been a very good friend while I have been struggling to figure things out with you." said Gemma.
"Who is he?" asked Clay staring her down.
"I am not going to tell you that so you can try to intimidate or kill him just because he has been nice to me. He appreciates me and he listens to what I have to say and he sees me Clay…he sees me. And I think…somewhere along the way…you stopped seeing me as a person as your wife…and you started seeing me as…I don't know…means to an end maybe?" said Gemma.
"I want to know who he is…what has gone on between the two of you?" asked Clay.
"We weren't together at the time so it really isn't any of your business Clay. And since we are taking this break…I don't know…you want to see someone else…maybe I should see someone else too. Maybe we both need to see other people and see how that works out." said Gemma turning on her heels and leaving the room. Gemma slammed the door shut behind her.
Gemma walked into the club feeling overcome by her emotions. She didn't know what to do anymore and she always knew what to do. Gemma grabbed a bottle of whiskey from behind the bar. The club was mostly deserted. Tig and Bobby were the only two left. She was walking down the hall toward Jax's room when her eyes went to John's bike. She stood there staring at it a moment. Her hand reached out to touch it. She took in a breath. She picked up his picture from the bike and left heading up to the roof for privacy. She just needed to get away from it all.
Gemma sat on the roof drinking and looking at John's picture. "I know you aren't here but it makes me feel better to come here and talk to you. Good or bad you always understood me. You realized that I was a moral black hole and you loved me anyway. God only knows why… I don't know what to do John…I feel dead inside now…I want to take off and start over somewhere else…but I couldn't leave Jackson and his family behind. And as much as I don't want to…I still love Clay. But how do I move on from this? Gemma chuckled softly. "You know the best thing about coming to talk to you is that you can't talk back to me. Me and you…we used to fight like crazy people…you always used to say we were like fire and dynamite and that is how we kept our spark. I don't know what to do John." Gemma felt tears slipping down her cheeks. She hadn't even realized that she had started to cry.
Jax walked down the hallway and looked over at John's bike and saw that his picture was missing. Jax climbed up onto the roof. "Mom?" asked Jax walking over to her. "Are you okay?" asked Jax sitting next to her.
"I am going to be okay…" said Gemma quietly.
"I know you love Clay…but…is there anything you want to talk about you haven't…really been yourself lately. I am worried about you." said Jax.
"You don't have to worry about me baby…I always come out on top…even if I come out alone." said Gemma.
Jax sat there with his mother his mother for nearly two hours before he heard footsteps. He looked and saw that it was Clay.
"Son…can I talk to your mother for awhile…?" asked Clay.
Jax looked at Gemma.
Gemma nodded and said "I promise not to push him off the roof…" Gemma gave a half-smile.
Jax nodded and said "I'll be downstairs if you need me." Jax got up and left the two of them alone.
Clay had a seat and said "I don't know what is going on between us…neither one of us…is okay right now. But I am not about to lose you. I am not going on the run to Indian Hills…Jax can handle the run with the rest of the guys. Me, you, and Sean…I want the three of us to go up to the cabin for a few days and get away from town…just be together…we need to figure us out…please."
Gemma was quiet for a minute but finally said "Okay…but I don't know how many more tries I have left in me Clay."
Clay wrapped his arms around her and just held her. After awhile he felt something wet dripping on his neck and realized that Gemma was crying. He rarely if ever saw Gemma cry and it tore him up inside knowing he was the cause of this. Jax was right he needed to get his priorities straight and that was what he was going to do. "Let's go home baby…" said Clay.
Gemma sat back and hastily wiped away her tears. "Okay…" Gemma got up still holding John's picture. She climbed back down stairs and left the picture frame on John's bike.
Clay watched her and then followed her out. He walked Gemma to her car opening her door for her. "I'll follow you home."
Gemma nodded tiredly and climbed into her car.
Clay closed the door and watched Gemma pull off. He got onto his bike and followed her home.
Gemma made it home first and walked into the house. She thanked Neeta and paid her. Gemma went into the nursery to check on Sean. He was already fast asleep.
Clay made it home a few minutes after she did.
Gemma walked out hearing Clay come into the house. "Sean is already asleep. Are you hungry?" asked Gemma since they hadn't eaten dinner.
Clay shook his head. "All I want to do is lay down with you…can we do that?"
Gemma nodded and said "Sure we can…" Gemma got up and walked into their bedroom. She changed into a black cotton night gown. She pulled her hair back into a ponytail and climbed into her bed.
Clay stripped down to his t-shirt and boxers and climbed into the bed with Gemma. He didn't waste time taking her into his arms. "I'm so sorry baby…I love you Gemma…I can't do this without you." His mind was still trying to figure out if she had slept with someone else. But he just couldn't bring himself to believe that. But what he did believe was that if he didn't fix things he would lose his wife.